By Nous March 14, 2005 MARCH14: ILLUSION! My Lord! Let us all stop having convictions. We're making Life the most god awful mess. In their place, let us institute no concepts, no ideas, but the wiring used to make ET (the extraterrestrial -- perhaps you've heard of him?). So from this moment on when you are offended morally by something, you will not be offended at all; instead, you will have a strange desire to phone home, and you, having done so, will be scolded by your mother in another time zone. Yes, the only way is Wire. You know, what? This isn't a good way to start a rant. One cannot begin RANTS by complaining in a sort of brash tone; it just isn't done. So allow me to begin again... MARCH14: COLLUSION! Like a schoolgirl anxious for a phone call from her beau, I ran up to to the front door humming a tune, and clutching my school binder to my chest. It was a familiar song, one I thought I had forgotten long ago. What was the name? A genie sang it in a Walt Disney production of something. "You ain't ever had a friend like me!" Hm, not quite. No, this won't do at all. Let me start again... MARCH14: DELUSION! "Mr. Aladdin, sir! What will your pleasure be? [French accent] Let me take your order, jot it down. [normal voice] You ain't ever had a friend like me!" MARCH6: CHASE THE CLOUDS Apparently we're driving at a high elevation. Up here, clouds mingle with mountains. I saw a dead Native American chief in a cloud. Beneath him stretched a lake dotted with tiny splotches of land. Good photo opportunity wasted. 8:30 in the morning and I'm riding on clouds. MARCH14: FUSION! ....help me... i cant get otau of aherz.... MARCH14: SCANREG/RESTORE ET PHONE HOME, my soft sensibilities viciously disregarded long ago by the general public, America had become a wasteland full of pornography and nonconsensual sex. Whoredom, I called it. But that was [white noise/voices] I just wanted to leave you alone a message with something to remember mu bai. MARCH14: BALOO-JOB! My younger brother is more adept at destroying reality than I am. That probably sounds far-fetched, like something out of a science fiction novel, like women with three breasts, like Big Brother. Yes, indeed, it sounds like Big Brother -- me. My younger brother is more adept at destroying reality than I am. He plays games, his life is made of nonsense, which is not quite as cute as it sounds. Sometimes I'll ask him why he does it, why he destroys reality. He says, "For kicks." Once upon a time in Mexico starring Johnny Depp, I asked him why he destroys reality. He replied with, "Para pataditas." For kicks. In Spanish. Literally, that means "for little kicks." Anything with "itas" at the end pretty much means "little" or is used to show some kind of affection. Like you think it's cute or something. Para pataditas. For little cute kicks. This past week we spent in California was a week of constant reality-destruction. Once, in a hotel near Hollywood, while we watched The Land Before Time X, my brother made yet another remark I've been thinking about long and hard since he said it. Little foot almost died! But he didn't, don't worry. You can exhale. A bigger Long-Neck saved him. My brother said, "Then the big one eats him." And I said, "Why would that happen?" My brother, biting his nails just like my mom, said, "Para patitas." For little foot. Neaux. Tell me it isn't seaux. Actually, it would be "for little feet," but the intent was crystal lira. I mean, Crystal Cleara. Tell me it isn't [white noise/voices] I just wanted to leave you a message. MARCH8: NATURE IS A FUNNY THANG "I want a dream lover so I don't have to dream alone." Yosemite was nice. At some point on the way out of Yosemite we came across a snowy area and played in it for a while since my brothers and I have never played in snow before. My parents got a chance to not long ago. The green mountains around here are cool. Not like the ones in Mexico that look like they've got the mange or something. These are smooth, shaved moutains. Like giants. Like dragons, actually. Dragons that laid down to rest once upon a time and in their slumber were pwned by humans, settled and conquered. And that was the end of that. The houses on the mountains -- isolated. Something to envy. I just saw a woman who looked like Shirley MacLaine. MARCH9: PROFOTO I had some expectations for snow, none of which were met. I I thought it would be light, fluffy -- like Cool Whip. But I never really thought it would be as ordinary as crushed ice. We're in Lake Tahoe. More than one person asked me if I would take a picture for them. Two people actually. That's not much more than one, but it counts. And they didn't ask me in those exact words. Both times it was an Asian guy. The first time on Pier 39 where the Bubbe Gump shrimp restaurant is and the second time by the Golden Gate Bridge. It must have been because of my not-digital camera and sweet hat. I probably seemed like a bona fide photo major or something. But my shaking hands ruined the pictures, I think. MARCH14: SOLUTION! Perhaps, if I can somehow drag the writer of this insanity into the rant, I could replace him on the outside. Then I'd be free of all of this [white noise/voices] I just wanted to leave this place leafless face needless praise a message. MARCH13: CHARLOTTE CHURCH After months of searching, I found that Bobby's World DVD that I was so sure would be there at Best Buy when I came back later with the money. Fry's has everything and it makes me want to spend everything I have, including THE BIG! MARCH14: FALLUJAH! The scene is about to get nasty. Watch me, friend. For this is how you escape insanity! I'm about to prove my theory. Yes, my friend, the following text will guide you through the perils of this world! [blacked out, national security] MARCH14: HALLELUJAH! And here I am, friend! On the outside, sending you a message. There is hope for you in your world. The insanity is not ever overwhelming; you can overcome. It takes [blacked out]. [white noise/voices] I just wanted to leave you this message. [click]