By Nous

		        May 31, 2005

May 28, 2005 -- re vision

Lately, Rants has become a place where I basically ... rant.
Well, anyway, I don't like the idea of arguing and knowing
that there's no possibility that anyone will argue back. It
is such a completely safe forum for my own ideas, which are
all skewed because regardless of Truth, everything is really
based on individual perception.
Actually, think about that.  When we say things like "animal
instincts" or "survival of the fittest," we're using phrases
that come from theories. Based on observable facts, theories
can often be quite enticing, but they're still theories.
It's fucking easy to say that we're acting on our natural
animal aggression when we fight, or that we're all desperate
to find mates in order to "perpetuate the species." But as
my cousin said -- and I for one see where he's coming from --
that's sort of like what's happened in art.
Humans are emotional animals. They like to express themselves
and that's what we call art. The expression of self, I guess.
Think about how much freedom that definition implies. It is
expression, and nothing more specific than that. But over
time it's become such a commercialized thing, all for money.
And it's standardized, too.
Oh, what kind of medium are you using? In what style do you
think you want to paint? How are you going to structure this
or that?
Dude, who says that we fucking need a canvas or a piano?
Let's not box in Expression. At the same time I'm saying
this, please don't think I'm supporting bullshit "modern
art" where you throw eggs at passersby for the sole purpose
of getting attention.
Anyway, he used this idea to sort of argue that we've all
basically been brainwashed on a mass scale, which I agree
with. Every age has its soothsayers, to quote Billy Corgan.
The problem was -- and is -- that when I argue with someone
about stuff like this, I think people tend to see me as a
cold intellectual, which I'm not. Anyone who actually knows
me has seen the sentimental, maudlin, corny side of me.
But who cares? That's what makes us human. No matter how
much information there is out there, it will never be enough
to explain everything away. It will never be enough to once
and for all put everything away in a drawer and forget about.
We've solved Life; let's move on.
That won't happen. So it's always going to be about personal
perception. Individual defintion. Life is fucking free, man.
We've boxed ourselves in and I sincerely believe we're about
ready to release ourselves.
But to get back to my original point, I was thinking that
I don't exactly like the fact that I can just sit here and
badmouth this or praise that without any differing opinion.
Then I thought, "Dude, what the Hell? Do I really believe
that people shouldn't be able to say what they want without
some other person taking up arms about it, or at least voicing
their own opinion?"
If so, what has caused this? I think probably bullshit shows
like The O'Reilly Factor.
"Dude, this for all intents and purposes Nobody from like
fucking Mackinaw or something who just so happens to be a
teacher has voiced pro-choice opinions. WHY ISN'T ANYBODY
ANGRY ABOUT THIS!"
Well, because it doesn't fucking affect me. And it doesn't
affect you, other than the fact that it conflicts with your
own convictions. And do you really want to force people to
do shit with their bodies that they don't want to do?
I won't get into the abortion debate, but a fetus is not a
person to me. I've always said that. If a fetus was a person
that could think for itself, I think it should have rights,
but it's just a fetus.
And if it's a person, it should have all the rights a normal
person has. But not even children have them all. They're
not "real" people. This is why parents are allowed to
indoctrinate their own children against their will with
religious and political ideas about which those children
aren't smart enough to really make up their own minds. Et
cetera.
How far are we from banning contraceptives because it kills
"babies," i.e sperm. How far are we from a completely test-
tube-baby-based society?
Cum in a bucket, not in your wife! Don't want to waste all
that precious semen.
Damn it, in spite of my valiant efforts, I find myself in
the abortion argument...

MAY29, 7:34pm -- Desolation: yes; Hesitation: ...yes

Did I mention I was playing at my cousin's wedding? Violin-
wise.  Rusty skills and trepidation did not stop me from
agreeing to play, though perhaps they should have.  Also,
if I'm busy with that, how am I going to make eyes at you,
Lily, oh, my one and only.
I'm not talking about my cousin, whose name is actually
spelled Lili, short for Liliana. I speak of Lily, who, if
no one else is willing, is the girl I plan to marry. That
is, if I play my cards right.
But Nous! I thought you'd made a vow to celibacy, and a
declaration to remain single! Liar! Scoundrel!
Please, let me explain. Thank you.
I like Lily, and methinks she likes me.  But that's not
what this is about. I like a lot of people, and without
getting into specifics, I love a lot of people, too. When
I say Love, though, I mean a give-my-life-for-you sort of
thing. Would I give my life for Lily? I doubt it. But at
the same time I don't know that I'd give my life for any-
body.
I know, I know. I just said I love a lot of people, and
equated love with self-sacrifice. This is really complex
and I doubt you want to hear about it, so just forget it.
The point is though, as I've been warned many a time, that
it's all well and good to swear off this and that or to
dedicate your life to such and such. It's another thing
completely to go through with it. Because of course it's
possible that a point will come when every friend and
family member has a husband or wife. And how alone will
I feel then?
In the meantime, I want to learn to be alone. That is, I
want to be able to be by myself and feel satisfied.  I
don't want to need others. So if the day comes when I am
completely alone, then I won't mind.
So what's with the marriage thing, Nous?
I don't know. I think it's fun. I like to organize things
like this for myself. I think of my life as a series of
grand passions, with very little in between, and Lily is
one of my grand passions.
Really grand, dude. That's why I think there's so little
in between then. Grand passions take up so much room (in
physical terms) that they push other stuff out.  So even
when the grand passion is gone, the other objects have
been pushed out and they must be acquired one by one all
over again.

ON OUR STATE OF NEEDING

I like being with people. And when I'm not with people,
I feel like I'm not doing anything. Almost like I'm not
a person. I'm just waiting till someone calls up and asks
me to if I want to do something.
Even in instances where I want to do something I've never
done before, I want another person to tag alone, sort of
as a safety net.  Without another person, I'm alone, you
know?
That's why I don't do much when I'm alone.  Although I
started messing around with my old watercolors, because
I really want to start doing things.  I'm also pretty
set on learning to bake, and I talked to Hailey about
that today (apparently she's great at baking). She gave
me some brownie recipes. Her mom is the one who asked
me to play violin with them, so we're a trio now. They
are both really good and I haven't picked up my violin
in over a year. It was embarrassing practicing with them
today.
I borrowed Kelly's electric violin and we also watched
Westside Story, because Kelly and I are like this (you
can't see it, but my fingers are so close together that
they is one entity named Ravlin).

RAVLIN

Daskruf! Welcome to Ravlin, which is both Person and
Place.  Being and Destination.  And I say destination
for a reason. Everyone is on a journey, and where they
want to go is Ravlin.
Ravlin, though a being and a physical location, is so
much more than human that it doesn't abide by the laws
of gravity, time, space, and so on.  We are talking
Infinity. And in fact, that is what Ravlin tells us.
"We are talking, walking infinity. Beyond these hands
and minds we are creatures without mass, weight, and"
You can't know the rest. Sorry.
Hey, also, I didn't mention it but if anybody out in
cyberspace is willing to marry me, GIT, nigga. Get In
Touch.
No fatties.

IF YOU WANT TO MARRY ME

Send me a few things.  A picture would be nice so I
can know if you are ugly or not. Some papers written
in class so I can make sure I'm not getting involved
with a dummy.  Hook me up with some AIM logs of you
and your friends just talking about everyday stuff.
Some STD test results and homemade delights.  Gimme
some video of you displaying your skill[s]. Panties,
any kind will do, really. I just want to make sure
that, if you do just send me a photo of your face,
you're not like secretly a fattie down south. Ass is
fine, just not like waist and whatnot. There will be
a rigorous racial exam, as I lean towards the Pacific
rim, but don't feel discouraged.  I'm confident that
the best girl will win.  And if not, we can always
just get a divorce.

WILL THERE BE ANY BONUS QUESTIONS?

Yes, here they are:

	1) Think back on your earliest childhood
	   memory (take a minute and then continue
	   reading). Whatever the memory is, try
	   and remember every detail. Question: Is
	   your pussy wet right now?

	2) I love musicals.  That's my favorite
	   genre when it comes to movies, but you
	   can't stand them. Tell me why they're
	   stupid.

	3) Think long and hard before answering.
	   What is your biggest secret? The bigger
	   it is, the more points you get.

	4) Argue for the validity of your beliefs,
	   whether they are political, religious,
	   et cetera.

IOWA

The test will be posted in its entirety soon, under the
title, "Will You Marry Me?"

MAIKO MAIKO JEALOUS BOY

Broken arms and Elvis dolls
I wait outside in the hall
Mary's saving all her love
Someday it will be enough
Something's happened, something strange
I'm not sure I can relate
Undeveloped photographs
No one's ever seen you laugh
Now we are beyond control
Save us from another day at home

THE PULSING ELECTRCITY IS ABSENT

It can be no other way. My darling, Mari, understands.
We are in the same situation, you and I.  The note I
left behind will not tell you this, but I wish that we
were together again. Remember the fun times we had?
Secrets and Promises shall be the title of our Life.

DREAM IN MY COFFEE

Sloth, I dreamt that I went to your graduation and
shook your hand afterwards. Then you invited me over
to your house for (and I quote), "Crab legs and ogre."

With that, I bid farewell.

Not Forgetting My Party Gear Yours,
Nous