Quotes
I love collecting different quotes, you can giggle for hours at some of these�
Never drive a car when you're dead.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
No - one in this world is a virgin because life has screwed us all at some point.
Once I was alive, then I died.
Our task in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
The art of life is to die young as late as possible.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those busy being born and those busy dying.
You can't fuck the future, the future fucks you.
Black holes were created when God divided by 0.
God created a few perfect people, the rest are right handed.
God did not create the world in seven days. He screwed around for six days and then pulled an all nighter.
God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
If Noah had been truly wise he would have swatted those two flies.
Jesus is coming, everybody look busy.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run. (he hates that)
If you wake up in the morning, and you stretch your arms, and you can't feel the sides of the coffin, you know it's going to be a great day.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
The four food groups: fast, frozen, instant and microwaved.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Don't open the darkroom door. It lets all the dark out.
Famous Last Words: It's perfectly safe. Let me show you.
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
Handy Guide to Modern Science: If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Hot Tip #5: The light at the end of a tunnel is a train. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still... I have a full size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch' I hardly ever unroll it. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I wished on a star last night...I guess it was out of order. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators dead. If the world didn't suck, we'd fall off. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. Life is biology. Biology is really chemistry. Chemistry is really physics. Physics is really math, and math is really hard. Life is like an onion: You peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. Life is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Life is what happens, when you're busy elsewhere. Live fast, die young, leave a beautiful corpse. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? Whose cruel idea was it to put an 'S' in the word lisp? Is a shell less turtle homeless or just naked? Do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. Not only is there no God but try finding a plumber on Sunday. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is. First you forget name, then you forget faces, next you forget to pull your zipper up then you forget to pull it down. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. It take many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I've been doing since I was 15. West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names. The trouble with life is there's no background music. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling you name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilise one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me 'You're next'. They stopped that shit after I started doing it to them at funerals. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realise you haven't fallen asleep yet. Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat - you eventually get pissed off. DISARM ALL RAPISTS - its not their arms I'm worried about. If sex is a pain in the arse - you're doing it wrong. Half the girls at this college have TB the other half have VD, so sleep with the ones who cough. If you have wet dreams take your umbrella with you. What's white and slithers across the floor? Come Dancing. A change of heart can be very painful. It's no use standing on the toilet seat, the crabs in here can jump ten feet. The upper crust are just a load of crumbs sticking together. Sexual intercourse after death. Is this what is meant by getting laid in your grave? Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Where will you be on judgement day? (church poster south end London to which was added:) still here waiting for the number 95 bus. To do is to be - Rosseau
To be is to do - Sarte
Dobedobedo - Sinatra Education kills by degrees. Procrastinate now! Drive carefully. Don't kill a child - wait for a teacher. Tutankhamun has changed his mind and wants to be buried at sea. Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks. Roses are Reddish,
Violets are Bluish,
If it weren't for Jesus,
We'd all be Jewish. Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs. Conserve energy - make love more slowly. I'm a fairy, my name is Nuff - Fairynuff. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. Men call us birds. Is that because we pick up worms. Walls have ears - I've just found one in my ice cream. Constipation is the thief of time. Diarrhoea waits for no man. Do not throw toothpicks in here the crabs can pole vault. Elvis lives - and they've buried the poor bugger. Examinations - nature's laxative. Drink wet cement and get really stoned. How labour will cope (poster, to which was added:) - next week, how to nail jelly to the ceiling. Jaws 3 - just when you thought it was safe to go to the toilet. Nothing acts faster than Anadin - then take nothing instead. Oral sex is a matter of taste. Start a new movement - eat a prune. Like caviar sex is a treat. So don't spread it around like marmalade. Never mind the Titanic - is there any news of the iceberg. May all your ups and downs be in bed. Women were born without a sense of humour - so they could love men without laughing at them. Xerox your life - if you lose it, its nice to have a copy. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake up letter. Whenever I think of the past it brings back so many memories... Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers... I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'. If you want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you're God. Once I saw a billboard that said 'Learn English as a second language.' How are you supposed to be able to read this if you don't know English? ESP or something? You can't go through life looking like you are about to sneeze. Never write any notes on a sandwich. War is a bloody matter. The man who sleeps on the floor does not fall out of bed. You are the only person who can hear your thoughts. If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were. There is nothing so overrated as a bad fuck and nothing so underrated as a good shit. Your family's future lies in your hands (Gents. Lav) HELP THE AGED WALK - give 'em crutches. Support wild life - vote for an orgy. I used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. People say the truth hurts, but they never said it beats the shit out of you. Did you ever notice that people don't sneeze in movies? I've been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Personally, I'd think that some people would faint at the sight of my shirt if that was the case. Sex on television can't hurt...unless you fall off. We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home. Vasectomy means not having to say you're sorry. Some rock musicians make a bunch of money and stick it up their noses. I stick mine in my ear. A miracle drug is any drug that will do what the label says it will do. Cocaine is God's way of saying you're earning too much money. I'll come and make love to you at 5'o'clock, if I'm late start without me. Tell him I've been too fucking busy, or too busy fucking. You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view. Sudden prayers make God jumpy. Everybody dies, that's life. Watership Down You've read the book. You've seen the film. Now try the stew. Definition of nothing: A peeled balloon. Give ants a break, walk on one leg. Save water, dilute it. Death is best that's why they save it till last. You can always count on your fingers. Shock the neighbours, think electric. Have a laugh go to work on a feather. Preserve wildlife, pickle a duck. If you think life's a joke, tell me the punchline. Be kind to animals, kiss a shark. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in ten minutes. My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway at 60mph. On my gravestone, I want it to say 'I told you I was sick'. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. Someone sent me a postcard picture of the Earth. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'. Statistics show that people with more birthdays live longer. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes! Vuja De - The feeling you've never been here. Wait stop the world, I'll step off. When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Dad, not in a screaming panic...like his passengers. Wow...short runway...but just look how wide it is. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. You can't have everything...where would you put it? Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...if you wanted to run a blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
