The Boa Doesn't Bite... Nor Does it Strangle. It Just Looks Bad
Mall trip. Guys. Evil Women. Time to Run.
(Hunter wakes up, and it's about 3 in the afternoon. The sun is shining on his face, and he throws a bottle through the window [which, by the way, was conveniently placed there by unknown forces] which prompts the neighbor to go into a ballistic cursing fit. Hunter slowly rises from bed and goes to his window...)
Hunter: What bottles? One every day? I don't know where they�re coming from! By the way, I think You've been spending too much time around Cid! All that swearin' is unhealthy!
Bill: #@$^ you, ya piece a� @%@#!!!!
Hunter: You have a nice day too, Bill!
(He shuts the window)
Hunter: Jackass...
(He heads downstairs to look for the usual assortment, but he only finds Cloud, and sleeping- Irvine, Cid, and Red. Cloud is absently, though amazedly staring at the infomercial for Oxi Clean, Irvine is snoring, and has a "Girl Next Door" mag over his face. Cid is swearing unforcefully in sleep, and Red is munching on a pillow.)
Hunter: Right then... Jesus... wonder where the hell everyone else is. Most importantly, the women... And why in god's name am I talking out loud to myself? Why am I asking myself questions? Why'd I ask another one!?
Irvine:*walks in, yawns.* Wake up, man... you're rambling.
Hunter: That's the point, ain't it?
Irvine:...Oh. Yeah.
(Red scampers in, with a still rather lifeless Cid trailing.)
Red: Do we have any bacon and eggs?
Hunter: No. and the women are the only ones who know how to cook.
Irvine: I can cook!
Hunter: *pales.* Oh god, no you can't...
Cid: #$@$...@$@#$@...%%%#@@...
Red: Indeed.
(The door busts open, and all the women come rushing in, followed by Reno, a pale Rude and a very pale Rufus. Raven is leading the flock, as one might imagine. They are carrying shopping bags from expensive stores.)
Rufus: *Plopping down in a chair* My... credit... card... maxed... out...? *twitches*
Rude: ...... *twitches*
Reno: *carrying shopping bags* Times like this that I'm glad I only buy booze.
Hunter: *whispers* Better lay off that, Reno. I think Rufus is reaching for his shotgun.
Raven: Hunnnnter!
Hunter: Damn. Never good when they go straight for me. Everybody... Get ready to run.
Red: Indeed.
Irvine: You know I won the gold medal at the garden marathoning and sprinting meets?
Hunter: No, we didn't, and we didn't care.
Cid: @#$%%$#%@#$@#$^@!!!!
Irvine: HEY!
Hunter: Exactly.
Raven: Hunter... PAY ATTENTION!
Hunter: Huh-wha- I mean Yes ma'am! *snaps straight up.*
Raven: Muuuuch better. Now would you like to guess at what we got?
Hunter: Clothes. Lots. Hopefully a considerable amount from Victoria's Secret.
Raven: Almost right... GIRLS! *snaps fingers* dump those bags!
(The other girls begin flipping over bags, and large amounts of baby blue and purple clothing come out, with some Red, some white, and some yellow. They are all women�s clothing, obviously.)
Hunter: Well... looks like you've all been having a good time.
Red: However... those clothes do not seem to be their size. Larger. They look to be built for wider, heavier people.
Irvine: so what?
Red: Those clothes are not intended for the females. They are intended for you.
(The girls are heading towards the guys with full
outfits of clothing, chuckling.)
Hunter: MOVE!!!!
(Irvine, Red, Cid, Rufus, Rude, and Hunter do 170 mph from the bottom of the stairs to Hunter's room, where the titanium alloy door is promptly slammed shut.)
Irvine: Headcount! I'm here, and so is Cid, Red, Hunter, Rude, and a still very twitchy Rufus...
Hunter: Then we're missing Cloud-
Rude: -and Reno.
Cid: #$@@^^&***&^^%$#!!!!
Hunter: yep... we'd better pray for their safety. The only one on the women's side who might not try to clothe us is Aeris. Keep that in mind... everyone else is dangerous. The other part of that is since Aeris watches over Cloud like a hawk, he�s probably safe. But we still have to rescue Reno... who is currently at their mercy and not realizing it.
Rufus: *cocks shotgun.* I can get rid of them!!! *Laughs evilly*
Hunter: Um... no. I say we give Sephiroth, Vince, and Reeve a call.
Irvine: 'Roth? Why?
Hunter: Cause we can't seem to pry him away from Vincent, most of the time. Only Quake 3 and Hojo seem to be able to do that.
Red: I do not wish to know the implications of such a thing.
Cid: #@$#^@^#@^#@^&*&**&^$%%$#^&%&!!!!!!!!!!
Hunter: JESUS, CID! WHAT THE
$#$@$@#*@#(#$(#@%&@@#*%#@%(#@$*@#($)#(@!!!!!?????
Cid: @$#$$#$#@I#$)@#$) *shrugs.*
Hunter: Good lord... anyway...
(Hunter turns on his speakerphone and dials Seph/Vincent's number, and Vincent picks up.)
Vincent: Hello?
Hunter: Hey, Vince. How ya doin'?
Vincent: I am quite well. You?
Hunter: I'm good... Hey, I called cause we need your and Seph's help.
Vincent: Oh?
Hunter: Yeah... the Girls went shopping, and now they're trying to clothe us all in women's stuff. We're safe in my room for now- *A crash is heard* -But I don't know for how much longer.
Irvine: Yeah, I think Reno is being tortured, man!
Red: I would suggest it's more likely he's enjoying himself.
Seph: *Still from over the phone, obviously.* I would say so too. So you need our help? A few slashes with the Masamune would solve this.
Hunter: Hell no. Vince, make him leave that damned thing at home.
Seph: *Whines* But someone might steeeeeeaaaaal it!!!!!
Vincent: Angel, it will be fine.
Guys: *Sweatdrop.*
Seph: Vincent! Never over the phone!
Vincent: Very sorry, Angel. *Seph groans* We shall be over soon.
Hunter: Right. We'll let you through the window. Later. *hangs up phone* and now for Reeve. *dials*
Reeve: Hello?
Hunter: Yo Reeve... it's Hunter... We got a problem. The women are attacking Reno with their clothing... We need your planning skills to rescue everyone, Reeve.
Reeve: Right. I'm coming over.
Hunter: We'll let you through the window. *hangs up.*
(The front door slamming is heard, and then the voices of Zell, Squall and Laguna are also heard, followed by multiple screams in those same voices.)
Irvine: *shudders* Even Laguna doesn't deserve that, man...
(A rock hits the window)
Red: That would be Sephiroth and Vincent.
Hunter: Right. I'll get em. *He throws done a rope and pulls them both up, single-handedly.*
Vincent: it is good to see you all.
Seph: When do we start hurting people?
Hunter: We don't, Seph.
Seph: What?
Hunter: Shaddup... ya heard me.
Reeve: *yelling* Hello!
(Hunter throws down his rope again and drags up Reeve, and they call everyone to order.)
Reeve: So, we have a situation here... I would say the first thing we need to do is scout. What do we already know?
Rude: They have Reno, Cloud, Squall, Zell, and Laguna. Their group consists of Raven, Aeris Tifa, Yuffie, Selphie, Quistis, Rinoa, and by some freak occurrence, Scarlet. Our count is 9 people. We already outnumber them, but they must be considered far more dangerous, as we must not use outward force, also, for physical activity, Reeve does not do too well. That drops us to 8, which means we have even numbers.
(All but Reeve and Rude blink)
Hunter: What the hell...?
Reeve: Apparently Rude has everything covered as far as that goes.
Hunter: But what are we gonna do?
Irvine: Poor Reno, man.
Cid: #@%@^@^@@####^^&*$%*&(&(*(%@#%#@%%#%@@#!!!
Reeve: That's a surprisingly good idea, Cid. So here's what we do...
(The guys all huddle up and talk, and The screaming downstairs continues...)
-Later...-
Hunter: All ready? *everyone nods.* I guess I go first. Why do I have to get Raven?
Irvine: Cause. Now go do it.
Hunter: Blah. Going.
(Hunter runs out of his room at a fair speed and jumps the entire staircase, bouncing off the couch and landing next Raven. He snatches her, slings her over his shoulder, and takes back off upstairs into his room, slamming the door again.)
Hunter: Success!
Raven: *beating on Hunter�s back as hard as she can* PUT ME DOWN! NOW!
Hunter: Irv? Ready?
Irvine: Yep. Just drop her here.
(Hunter plops Raven in a chair and Irvine duct tapes her to it.)
Raven: ARGH! I'll kill you!
(Seph plants a kiss on Raven's lips, and she subsides into a weak, dreamy, laughing fit.)
Seph: That always seems to work.
Raven: Ehehh-heehhe-hheeeee...
Rufus: I hate you, Seph.
Seph: I know. *grins.*
Vincent: Angel, that's not very nice.
Seph: I know. *pouts.*
Everyone but Seph/Vince: *Sweatdrop*
Irvine: I'm gonna get Selphie now...
(He takes off and returns about 15 seconds later, A dormant Selphie clinging to him.)
Guys: *blink*
Hunter: How did you manage that?
Irvine: *Muffled by Selphie kissing him* Chrm, mn, chrm.
Red: Indeed.
Cid: $#@%^@#%*#%#@%(#*%@()@#*^@@^!!!!!
Irvine: HEY!
Rude: My turn now.
(Rude runs off and comes back with a dormant Yuffie. [Yuffie, For
christ's sake!!!])
Vincent: This is far more impressive than Irvine's display... how did you manage this?
Rude: *shrugs.*
Seph: Figures.
Hunter: Anyone else wanna try? No? Alright...
(Hunter runs off to get another one, But this time around, Tifa flashes him and he goes barreling across the room and thuds against the couch, knocking himself out.)
Irvine: Code Red!! Shut that door!!! SHUT THAT DOOR!!!!
-Later... (Again)-
(Hunter wakes up, and finds Aeris standing over him. He quickly looks around to see Cloud, and then notices they're in a different section of the Arena.)
Aeris: My god, are you alright? You hit the couch awfully hard. Poor guy.
Hunter: *Looking himself over* Yeah, I'm fine... How is that I managed not to get clothed up?
Aeris: Well... I dunno. I kept them from doing it to Cloud. Reno has actually been enjoying himself, and Squall doesn't seem to mind. Laguna made Scarlet faint with his rambling, and we let him go... Zell passed out a long time ago from lack of breath. They'll be finished playing by the time he wakes up.
Hunter: Why does that all make sense?
Aeris: *laughs softly.* Oh, come on, that's mean!
Hunter: But you laughed.
Aeris: Oh, shush you. I did not.
Hunter: If you say so. So will we be safe if we go all go back downstairs?
Aeris: Yes, you will. Go get everyone else, they'll be fine.
Hunter: Well, thanks for saving me, and making sure I was okay and all. *winks.* I'll go a-fetchin.
-Later...(The last time, I swear!)-
(Cloud is eating checkers, but Aeris is no longer standing over his shoulder... Tifa has replaced her, and is doing much the same thing as Aeris was before. Cid is playing his "Rhyming Curses" game with Barret, Reno, Rude, and Irvine. Rufus is drinking heavily, more than Reno and Irvine put together on St. Patrick's day. Raven is talking to Quistis incessantly, Squall and Rinoa are making out, Zell is eating (well... duh...) and Scarlet has been kicked out of the house. Selphie and Yuffie are chattering back and forth at chipmunk�s pace, and finally... There are two people missing from the downstairs scene, and you can guess who, I'll bet. But for now we'll fade out and give a wave to the antics for a while.)
Hunter: So the guy got hit by a Truck, but he was okay, amazingly enough... his skateboard got wedged in a tree and caught my hair...
