(As we open, we see Hunter climbing out of his truck, taking off his sunglasses, polishing them on his shirt a bit, and hanging them from the front of his collar. Quietly, matching the outside tranquility, he makes his way up to the front of the ramble mansion, stepping on the porch and reaching for the door, having it suddenly burst open on him.)
(Hunter, surprised, sloppily barrel-rolls half to the side and half-backwards. Looking around bewildered, he sees the demon flying off into the sky, clutching a screaming girl.)
Hunter: What the f-
Raven: -bursting out the front door frantically- It took Crystal! Do something! Somebody do something!
Hunter: I forgot my anti-air cannon at home, sorry.
Raven: This isn't any time for jokes!
Dauragon: But he's right in one respect. He's already too far away for any of us to take him down - And even if we did, Crystal wouldn't exactly be in a better situation.
Zell: I'll punch him!
Rude: -punches Zell, knocking him out cold-
Reno: Is this going to be one of those protests and activists adventures? I'll need more booze if it is.
Jenet: Usually demons rip your head off before you can protest anything, dear.
Irvine: Hey, nobody, not even demons, are gonna touch my hat. -Kou knocks it off his head- ...Oh, man. :(
(Everyone pauses now, and looks at Hunter)
Raven: Now isn't the time to look through your wardrobe, either.
(Hunter pauses, glares at Raven for a moment, twitches, and glances at the wardrobe boxes on the curb for the garbagemen before resuming his search through a case in the back of his truck, finally pulling out his martial arts clothes)
Hunter: I'll be back in five minutes. Do something USEFUL, people.
(At that, Dauragon and Rude both scatter as well, leaving the others out on the front porch looking rather confused. Sephiroth walks outside with Fawkes, dodging Rude as he runs inside)
Sephiroth: I don't see what the big deal is, here. People get eaten by demons all the time, I'm sure it's not that unpleasant. I mean, one gulp and it's all over. Who liked her anyways...? -At this, Sephiroth gets bowled over with a heavy rock-
Raven: -panting- I'm covered with dirt... and it's worth it... Jerk... >:|
Hunter: -leaning out a top floor window, screaming angrily- USEFUL!
(At this, everyone gets the point and runs off, except for Sephiroth and Zell, who are still silent, and, well, still unconscious.)
Sephiroth: -coming to- I really hate this place sometimes.
Fawkes: -coming out of the house, laughs-
Sephiroth: ...Shut up and get this rock off me.
Fawkes: -laughs harder-
Sephiroth: ...I really, truly do hate this place.
(Later)
Hunter: Why did I bring you all along?
Reno: -swigging a bottle of liquor- Battle support?
Hunter: ...
Reno: What?
(Hunter takes Reno's shockrod and jabs it electric end first into his gut. It makes faint crackling noises, even as Hunter's expression stays one of disenchantment.)
Reno: ...What?
Hunter: Yes, exactly. -throws it back to him-
(Sephiroth and Fawkes laugh at Reno's dumbfounded expression, which cause him to get mildly irritated)
Reno: What's so funny? You're the one who didn't want to open a dimensional portal because it "gives you a splitting headache."
Sephiroth: And? I'm also the one with a seven-foot sword, and itching to shed some blood. Mind you, I don't really care whose it is.
Hunter: Idea, guys! How about both of you shut your fucking traps before I take Sephiroth's sword and make bishounen shish-kabob? Does that sound good? ^_^
Sephiroth: I dare you to tr-
Hunter: DON'T PUSH IT, BUDDY. WORD TO THE WISE.
Sephiroth: ...
Raven: And that's a first!
Hunter: ...I'm starting to get a craving for shoujo shish-kabob, now...
Raven: Uh... ^_^;;
Hunter: Yeah. Thanks. Keep it that way.
Zell: Keep what, what wa-
(Mid-sentence, Zell is bowled about twenty feet backwards by an energy blast from Hunter's outstretched hand. Hunter's eyes narrow as he glances about at the rest of the group, grimacing. With everyone finally in a mute silence, a smile begins to cross his features. He straightens his body, takes a deep breath, rolls his head, and, well... screams like fucking crazy. His hand igniting bright as the sun, he chops downward through thin air, a miniature sonic boom in its wake, as well as a quickly expanding mass of energy.)
Hunter: -smiling again- And there's our dimensional portal.
Irvine: Was that as easy as it looked?
Hunter: Is swinging one's hand far beyond sonic speeds easy for anyone?
Irvine: ...Uh.
Hunter: -frowns- Yes, I'm asking all the hard questions today. -boots Irvine through the portal- Dumbass.
(Hunter himself follows immediately after, and the rest of the group rushes through following him. Piling out on the other side, everyone starts to get their initial impressions...)
Raven: Whips...
Sephiroth: Chains...
Dauragon: ?!?
Aeris: I'm not sure I like this place.
Hunter: I'm pretty sure I hate this place, myself. After all, we're here to rescue Crystal from the clutches of evil monsters, and the first two people to say anything were Sephiroth and Raven -- With something more likely than not S&M related. -he glances in the direction of the two with an exasperated expression, shaking his head-
Raven: Clean thoughts! Clean thoughts!
Hunter: In other words, "Geez, I'm glad my boyfriend isn't psychic!"
Aeris: I should've stayed back at the house, I'm sure.
Hunter: Too late now, sugar. Now, uh, cast Regen or something on me.
Aeris: I'll just get everyone. Who knows what kind of stuff we'll find in here.
(Aeris takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, as energy being to flow down from above the group and "sprinkles" upon them. Eveyone begins to take on a slight green glow, except for Jenet, who flashes, and Hunter, who emits purple.)
Raven: No fair! Why does he get the good colour?!
Hunter: ...Video game physics. Go figure.
Kou: This stuff is... tingly.
Hunter: Tingl- OH, JESUS CHRIST!
(Everyone jumps in surprise at Hunter's outburst, especially Kou, as Hunter runs, leaps, and soars clear over Kou's head. Hunter screams out several kiais as energy bursts fly left and right, and after a few moments stands up covered in green blood.)
Hunter: -grabbing a tentacle off his shoulder and tossing it aside- That tingling was a mist that'll knock you unconscious, so the monster can do... well, suffice to say, unpleasant things.
Jenet: What's all that mean, then?
Hunter: It means that you girls better watch your asses - literally - and the urgency of our search probably just increased a bit: We're in a hentai game.
::Elsewhere::
Crystal: -absentmindedly talking to a mouse- Ten bucks says my sister's busy observing the S&M devices strapped to the walls instead of coming to rescue me...
(The door swings open to the room Crystal sits inside, revealing a tall, bulky, handsome man with white hair, and a cape. He bows, and tosses his cape backwards... to become quickly apparent that the cape is ALL he's wearing. Crystal's face takes on a dumbfounded look, as the man begins to speak.)
???: -in a largely dramatic and overbearing voice- I am Lord Kain! I rule this realm! I have chosen you to be my queen!
Crystal: ...You're not wearing pants.
Lord Kain: I felt no need to dress, when I was planning, milady, to make you MINE!
Crystal: Ew! No!
Lord Kain: You will enjoy it! -he begins to move towards her, and Crystal's pillow bounces off his face- Don't deny your urges!
Crystal: Urges~?! -she pauses, and then with a flash of inspiration, she stands up, and starts to hold her arms out as if she's going to embrace him - and promptly kicks him good and hard in his exposed jewels-
Lord Kain: Aiiieee!!! -he collapses to the floor, tears welling in his eyes- Why... do you lash out, my queen?
Crystal: NO! PANTS!
(with that, Crystal begins to run out of the room, but finds herself cut off by small, irritable demons with spears. Left with the choice to get skewered or turn back around, she reluctantly heads back into the room, at the furthest possible distance from Kain. Several more demons rush in and carry Kain out, sputtering unintelligible demon curses at Crystal. She sighs as the door closes, wondering what everyone else is up to.)
::Cutscene Fades!::
Kou: You can't just leave him here!
Jenet: Oh, quit being such a baby.
Hunter: Lady's got a point, you know. It's not like Irvine's got anything to worry about over here.
Irvine: Hey! Uh, tentacle monsters, that knock you out and rape you? You know?
Hunter: Yeah, and I'm sure you've got so much to worry about with that beer can launcher you lug around with you.
Reno: His gun fires beer cans?
Hunter: It was a comparison, you goddamn moron. The point is, he could drop a Brachiosaur with that thing.
Zell: You can kill Brachiosaurs with beer cans?
(Hunter looks at Zell, blinks, and twitches. He starts to shake, then screams and punches Zell back through the portal.)
Hunter: -still shaking in fury- Do me a favor, and shoot him if he comes back through again.
Irvine: But, uh, I'll be stuck here alone.
Hunter: And if you want to keep the ability to move anywhere ever again, I suggest you shut up and stay here. Now, everyone else, let's move.
(At this, the gang begins to walk off, leaving Irvine alone, paranoid, and clutching his gun tightly.)
Raven: Was it really necessary to leave him behind? I mean, what's the chance that more demons will just wander through?
Hunter: I don't know. But, tell me, do you think it's worth the risk to not leave a guard? Do you want demons rifling through your dresses?
Raven: It couldn't be any worse than that closet elf... 'Hot Damn! Hot Damn! Hot Damn!'
Dauragon: She's telling the truth.
Hunter: I get more and more reasons every day which remind me that I'm still perfectly sane by the standards of anyone I deal with, it seems...
(A small demon runs up, waving a spear and making threatening noises at the group. He sticks his spear out, jabbing it about, and then begins to leap up and down.)
Demon: Hot Damn! Hot Damn! Hot Damn!
Raven: -icily- Oh, *hell* no. -She pulls out her bow, and notches an arrow-
Demon: -stops jumping- Hot Damn? -Falls over with an arrow through the forehead-
(Rude and Hunter both take visible looks of surprise, looking at the arrow)
Rude: She can shoot.
Hunter: At point blank range.
Raven: Hey!
Hunter: What? It's quite a bit more than I was expecting. I thought you were going to take your nose off with the bowstring.
Aeris: Be nice!
Hunter: Hey, honesty is a virtue.
Aeris: That *doesn't* mean it's nice.
Hunter: ...Well, fine, I'll lie through my teeth next time.
(Aeris sighs and shakes her head, obviously giving up on him. Hunter grins, confident in his verbal skills, and continues along. After a short while, they hear a demon roar, and the world begins to blur around them, and then swirls inwards)
Hunter: ohfercryin'outloooooud
(Once the world is done swirling away, it fades out to black, and fades in, to...)
Raven: What's this? Where did everyone go? -she looks to her side, and sees Rude and Reno- Why are you the only two here?
Rude: Random Battle. Now, if you'd be so kind, you've got the highest speed modifier, so attack.
Raven: What?
Reno: Just shoot one of the little bastards.
Raven: That I can do.
(Raven notches an arrow and shoots it at a demon, and, upon connecting, "3640" appears above its head. It falls over, squeals, and fades out of existence.)
Raven: That was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen.
Reno: Eh. -he dashes forward, and attempts to shockrod a demon, who sidesteps. "Miss" appears above its head-
Raven: -in thought- I *knew* that shockrod was worthless...
(Rude rushes forward, and punches the demon, good and hard. He doesn't actually CONNECT, but hitsparks appear, and as Rude jumps back to his spot in line, "9999" appears above the demon's head. This one, too, squeals, keels over, and disappears.)
Raven: We did it! -She holds up her bow and poses, then blinks, notices what she's doing, then glances at Reno and Rude, who are doing the same thing- What the...?
(At that, they're warped back out of battle mode, to find the rest of the gang waiting on them. Except, oddly, they are now missing Sephiroth.)
Hunter: Welcome back.
Raven: Where did you all go?!
Jenet: Nowhere, unfortunately. We were all waiting for you three to finish your "random battle." Ugh, I've never seen anything so boring in my life!
Kou: He's busy making a bloody trail for us to follow.
Hunter: And, speaking of which, there's the beginning sitting right in front of us.
Raven: But I wore nice shoes today!
Hunter: And what's more important to you? Your goddamned shoes, or your sister's life?
Raven: You should never make a girl have to decide such a thing.
Hunter: -shaking his head- I'll make sure to pass on your sentiments.
(They continue along, now, mostly in silence, with Raven steamed at Hunter. After a short time, their bloody trails ends.)
Aeris: Well, he didn't do a very good job!
Hunter: -pausing, and glancing, bewildered, at Aeris for a moment- Yeah... Just, look ahead. It should be pretty clear at this point.
(As they step forward a bit further, the corridor they were following widens, and opens up into a gigantic amphitheatre, with a large mass of demons on the main floor of the area. They are all facing forward, and chanting towards a giant [and naked] statue of Lord Kain. While Hunter, Dauragon and Rude are busy studying the demons down in the centre, everyone else is making faces at the statue. Finally, the three stand up, and look about.)
Hunter: Jenet, Kou, it's our turn.
(Hunter nods to Dauragon, as well, beckons for the other two to follow, and they all dash down the steps toward the main floor.)
Raven: What are they doing?
Rude: This is a fight for those with a battle system performed in real-time.
Raven: ...How come you know everything?
Rude: ...
Reno: I'm going to field a guess at the "paying attention" part of things.
Raven: Hey! No bishies being mean to the innocent female!
Aeris: -coughs-
(A moment later, a charred carcass whizzes over their heads, and they decide without much issue to pay more attention to what's going on down below. Following a bit more crunching, smashing, banging, and screaming, the four fighters finally make their way back up the steps. Hunter's long dress coat is missing, as is Dauragon's trenchcoat and shirt. Jenet is panting, and Kou looks fresh as a daisy.)
Reno: Didn't work very hard there, eh, buddy?
Kou: Bull! I worked my butt off! Problem is, they got programmed with cool environment changes and I didn't get anything. And man, look what it gets him!
Raven: -staring at Dauragon- shirtlesssexybaddieboyfriendshirtlesssexybaddieboyfriendshirtlesssexybaddieboyfriend *_*
Reno: -taking a flask out of his jacket- A drink to misery, buddy. -he takes a gulp from it, and hands it to Kou-
Kou: Fuckin' A. -he takes a gulp of it, as well, and shakes his head.-
::To the Damsel in Distress::
Crystal: -sighing to herself- ...Aren't they at least supposed to give prisoners something to drink?
Lord Kain: -from outside the room- I could have you sample my sweet nectars, m'lady!
Crystal: Um... Nice offer, but I don't think I'll ever be thirsty ever again, now.
Lord Kain: As you wish! Would you like to sample the divine meats of your King, then?!
Crystal: Ew! No! Don't ruin solid food for me!
Lord Kain: Ah, you are that type! I could arrange for whipped cream and strawberries to be brou-
Crystal: Does absolutely EVERYTHING mean something in sexual terms to you?!
Lord Kain: Is there any other way to interpret them?!
Crystal: -starts to say something, but pauses, and then sighs, hanging her head- I hate this place.
Voice #1: -muffled, coming from the other side of the door to the king's chambers- What key?! Nobody told me we needed a cuntfucking key!
Voice #2: -also muffled- Wasn't this supposed to be stealthy...?
Voice #1: Fuck stealth! Fuck it right in the ass! I dare someone to come after me! I could punch their goddamned nuts right up through their eyesockets!! AAAARGH!
(With that scream, the door crashes down, kicked right off its hinges. Several more screams follow, some human, some demon.)
Voice #1: Bring it on, god damnit! Bring it on!
Lord Kain: Hold, warrior! You have entered the chambers of the lord of this realm! None shall go any further!
(At this, there is a large, agonizing scream from the mouth of Lord Kain. He collapses with a thud, and says no more.)
Voice #3: Holy shit, I didn't know that was POSSIBLE!
Voice #4: -puking-
(Finally, Crystal's door swings open, Rude popping his head inside. He smiles ever so slightly, and turns around, waving to the rest of the group. Hunter is the first to appear, popping his head in around Rude, and running back out, yelling and screaming things similar to "Take that motherfucker" and laughing his ass off. Finally, Raven pops in, and runs to Crystal, hugging her.)
Raven: Are you alright?
Crystal: I'm fine, other than having been carried off by a crazy demon.
Raven: We couldn't do anything about it!
Crystal: You mean that house full of trained killers was totally useless?
Raven: -quietly- ...We've got three drunks, a mute, and a pagan with a pet hyena. How efficient does that sound to you?
Crystal: What about the ones that didn't cover?
Raven: Grounds of insanity?
Hunter: -outside, kicking Lord Kain's corpse in the side- MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
