Kou: And we've read every issue of Girl Next Door from '72 on.
Irvine: We need something more...
Reno: Like a pool full of Vodka?
Kou: A week long trip to the playboy mansion?
Irvine: Nah...something else.
Reno: Snazzy mixed drinks?
Kou: Devon, Raylene, and Jenna Jameson naked in our laps?
Irvine: No, No... Not like that kind of stuff. Something else... Ya know?
Reno: Not a clue, bud.
Kou: -still fantasizing about Jenna Jameson in his lap-
Irvine: Screw it. I'm getting too sober.
Reno: Damn straight.
Kou: .......
(Upstairs...)
Hunter: You know, I haven't heard much of anything from the base for several minutes. Think they're-
Seph: Dumber than usual?
Fawkes: -laughs-
Dauragon: Sober?
Hunter: Maybe...
Raven: Sad?
(Everyone looks at her like she's insane)
Raven: What?
Hunter: -mumbling- I really wonder how she finds herself able to insult Zell...
Raven: What did you say?
Hunter: Oh. Nothing at all.
(Hunter mouths to Dauragon after Raven looks back down at the book she's reading. "No wonder it's so easy for you to get in her pants." Dauragon scowls at him, but doesn't move.)
Irvine: -coming slowly and mopingly up the stairs- Hey... -He rummages through the pantry and pulls out a bag of potato chips and walks back downstairs.-
Rufus: -Over his newspaper- Yep. The alcohol's fully saturated their brains.
Raven: Rufy! That's not nice!
(Rufus cringes and Hunter chuckles)
Hunter: Damn, I'm glad my name can't be screwed around with like that.
Raven: Think so, Huntsy?
Hunter:...Fuck.
Zell: -Falling through the skylight- Shouldn't we help them?
Dauragon: Someone should really teach that boy how to use a door...
Raven: We should help them! Come on, guys!
(Various grunts come from the men, except Zell, who jumps up and punches absolutely nothing, chattering incessantly to himself.)
Raven: Zell, sit down...
Zell: Lemme at em'...I'll show them not to mess with Balamb Garden!
Hunter: -stretching and grabbing his Katana- Do you have ANY clue what we're doing, Zell?
Zell: Saving Balamb Garden from the hands of the Sorceress' Knight!
Rufus: Damn me wannabe.
Hunter: Shut it, Shinra, you're as bad as him. Anyways, we all know that two of those guys favorite things are alcohol and porn.
Seph: I'm not going anywhere, just so you know. I've got tickets to Deathmatch 3000.
Hunter: Whatever. Anyways, I elect this plan. Raven stays here to try and cheer them up, Me and Dauragon go to get-
Rufus: The Po-
Hunter: -smacking Rufus- the Alcohol, and Zell and Rufus go to get the Porn.
Zell: Get what? Huh Huh?!
Dauragon: Just follow him...
Rufus: You can't do this to me! I'm the president of Shinra!
Hunter: Don't you think so? -pushing Rufus up to a wall- First of all, I just did. Second of all, I could blow that prized HQ tower up with a few well placed plastiques, or better yet play FF Seven and watch Weapon annihilate you AND your building. Poof goes Rufus.
Raven: -sniffling- That was so sad...
Seph: But so great.
Fawkes: -laughs-
Raven: Shut that stupid Hyena up!
(Dauragon groans and Hunter snickers, shoving Rufus aside and out the door.)
Dauragon: Anyways, Why am I going with you?
Hunter: Cause I need an extra pair of strong arms to carry all the shit we're gonna buy.
(Raven hugs Dauragon and hobbles off down the stairs, thanks to her broken leg. Dauragon sighs, and follows Hunter out the door.)
(At the Adult Movies store...)
Rufus: I cannot believe this! The President of Shinra, walking around in a trash-hole Porno store!!!
Zell: It's okay, Rufus! I'm a SeeD walking around in a Porno store!
Rufus: You really are an idiot, aren't you? It's like you're a copy of Cloud, spikey head and all...
Zell: Who?
Rufus: Never mind...
Zell: Hey! Look! "Up and Cummers"! That must mean they're trying to hit the big time!
Rufus: -hand to his forehead- You just said everything that shouldn't be said in a place like this... Just grab something and let's GO!
(Zell grabs a shelf and Rufus groans. Rufus, realizing he's not going to get anything done by manipulating Zell into the dirty work, cleans off two shelves off and takes them up to the front, mumbling nasty things.)
(At the liquor store)
Cashier: Party tonight?
Hunter: Nah, We've got a couple of friends who are down on their luck.
Cashier: Yeah, this'll do them good. 115.65, please.
(Hunter hands the cashier the money and the two men take all the alcohol, tossing it in the back of Hunter's pickup.)
(Back at the Mansion)
Rufus: -stabbing the table with a letter opener- Goddamn Hunter...I'll...kill...him...KILL HIM!!!
Zell: -Looking at all the tape boxes- "Jenna loves Rocco"! Isn't that sweet, Rufus?
Rufus: KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!! -Throws the letter opener like a knife into the wall-
(The door flies open, kicked by Hunter. Rufus looks up and screams ballistically, running at Hunter and maniacally pounces at him. Hunter and Dauragon, who's behind him, smartly duck and watch Rufus sail over them and headfirst into the wall. They shake their heads, motion to Zell to grab the videos and run off downstairs.)
Raven: Whoops, they're here. I'll be upstairs if anyone needs me. -she hobbles off upstairs away from the porn and beer.-
Hunter: Dudes! Free Porn and Beer!!!!
Irvine: Cool...
Reno: Rock on...
Kou: Alright....
(Hunter and Dauragon look at the three in stunned silence, while Zell has once again resumed looking at the tape boxes.)
Hunter: Damn...What to do now...could call the Mental Health Clinic, but that wouldn't be nice...They'd haul off everyone else, too...Wait...call...Aha! Got it! -Hunter sprints off upstairs to the phone-
(Later...)
Irvine: Days of our lives. Cool.
Reno: Yeah.
Kou: Uh-huh.
Hunter: -from upstairs- Yo Guys!!! Get up here!
Irvine: Alright.
Reno: Okay.
Kou: Coming.
(The three drag their asses upstairs and as soon as Kou makes his last step, the doorbell rings. Hunter whips the door open, and a drop dead gorgeous blonde walks in, and hugs Hunter.)
Hunter: Hey Jenet!
Bonne Jenet: Hey babe! How're things hanging? -she winks- What was this urgent business, anyways? Can we talk about it after I've eaten? I mean, I'm bloody famished. You wouldn't happen to have a guiness and a steak lying around, would you?
(Irvine, Reno, and Kou all look at Bonne Jenet like some sort of Angel, and simultaneously cheer. Bonne Jenet looks at them oddly...)
Irvine: GOD IS A WOMAN!
(All three run over, lift her onto their shoulders, raid the fridge, and run down the stairs, cheering and laughing.)
Hunter: Spiritual guidance for those three. Who would've figured, huh?
Zell: Look! "Saving Ryan's Privates"! Must be a war movie, huh?!
Raven: Someone beat the stupid out of him, please?!
Dauragon: Done. -He walks toward Zell, pulling his chain out of his pocket...-
