Dislaimer: J.K. Rowling owns any characters and places in
this story. She may even have Snape's bedroom if she
wants to, even though I made up the furniture.
Notes: My attempt to write a parody in reaction to the
Cease and Desist letter. (I know, it's a bit late, but I
had to learn for an exam before finishing this.) Not as
funny as Lady of Arundel's story Cease and Desist, but
Category: Parody, very silly
Rating: NC-17; Warning: multiple partners
Written for the Sleazy Fic Drive, RS.org fic drive
Summary: Snape, Black, Lupin and Lucius Malfoy rebel
against a new law.
Severus Snape had thought he could enjoy a quiet evening
reading a book, when someone urgently knocked at his
door. With a sigh he put aside The Lord of the Rings.
There were only a few chapters left, but it seemed he
would have to delay finding out whether Frodo and Sam
would get married in the end.
Severus slowly crossed the room and opened the door.
Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were standing outside,
looking slightly worried.
"Hello Severus," Remus said, "we wanted to talk to you
about the new law."
What law? "Do I look like a jurist?" Snape snarled.
"No, but you must have an opinion about that law." Sirius
said and pushed himself past Snape into the room. Remus
Lupin followed with an apologising smile.
Severus rolled his eyes and closed the door. He was
getting along fairly well with Sirius since the
Gryffindor had told him that he had simply forgotten that
it was full moon when he had asked him for a date in the
Shrieking Shack, but that did not change that Snape
found Black's manner terribly annoying.
"So what do you think we should do about it?" Sirius
"About what?" Severus asked.
"About the law!" Sirius said urgently.
"WHAT LAW?" he always lost his patience quickly with
"You didn't hear about the law yet?" Remus threw in with
"No," Snape replied, "So if you would be so kind to
At that moment someone knocked at his door again. Snape
rolled his eyes. Who could THAT be now? With a quick step
he opened the door.
"Hello Severus," Lucius Malfoy said, sweeping in as if he
owned the dungeon, "I was around to talk to Dumbledore,
so I thought I pay you a visit and..." he blinked when he
noticed that Snape was not alone. "Mr Lupin and Mr Black,
if I'm not mistaken."
Sirius Black was glaring with open hostility at Lucius
Malfoy, while Remus Lupin said politely: "We were just
discussing the new law."
"Ah, the law." Lucius said with a condescending smile,
"I'm intent to break it as often as possible."
Severus looked in surprise at Lucius. He openly admitted
that he intended to break the law in front of Black and
Lupin? Then again, it was not really surprising
considering Lucius' aristocratic arrogance.
"Good idea." Sirius Black replied. Also not really
surprising considering the fact that he had never been
fond of rules. But...
"What law?" Severus Snape asked impatiently.
"You don't know yet?" Lucius asked in surprise. "The
ministry has given out a new law which forbids wizards to
have sexual intercourse."
WHAT? "You mean, they outlaw gay sex?" Were they back to
the Middle Ages?
"No, hetero sex as well." Lucius said. "Now Narcissa has
a really good excuse to shut me out of her bedroom."
"How does the Ministry wants us to procreate then?"
"They asked the storks to bring us babies." Lucius
Snape shook his head at the absurdity of it.
"Fudge must have completely lost his mind." Remus Lupin
Lucius frowned and muttered under his breath: "I told the
Dark Lord that Fudge's sanity might suffer."
"What?" Sirius asked sharply.
"Oh, I didn't say anything." Lucius said. "Um, Severus,"
he added seductively, touching the head of his walking
stick to Snape's chest. "Let's get illegal."
An evil grin spread across Snape's face as he slowly
retreated backwards in the direction of his bedroom.
"Um, we should better go now." Remus said.
"No!" Sirius replied obstinently, "I want to get illegal,
Lucius Malfoy turned around and gave Sirius and Remus an
appraising look. "D'accord, just come along." he said.
"I always thought, if I break the law I might as well do
"That is MY bedroom!" Snape snarled. "Don't you think I
have a say in this?"
"No," Lucius replied coldly, "after all I paid for the
Remus hissed at Sirius: "Do you have to take every
opportunity to get laid?", but came along as well.
Remus Lupin and Sirius Black soon realised that Lucius
Malfoy had indeed lavished a lot of money on Snape's
bedroom. There was a huge king-size bed with black satin
sheets. And there were manacles of stainless steel
installed in the headboard of the bed. Next to the bed
stood an ebony chest of drawers. There also was an ebony
cupboard with elegant carvings, a huge mirror at the
ceiling above the bed, a soft tapestry on the floor, and
dozens of black candles in silver candle-holders inserted
in the wall.
Sirius and Remus were still gaping at the exquisite
furniture when Lucius pushed Severus onto the bed, then
threw off his coat and in a teasingly slow way started
unbuttoning his robes. Severus was watching him
intensely, when Sirius and Remus sat down on the left and
right side of him on the bed, and too, watched Lucius
Malfoy with interest. Lucius faltered for a moment - he
was not used to so many spectators - and continued
Their gazes got hungrier in proportionate relation to the
number of buttons Lucius opened. Finally Lucius undid the
last button and shrugged off his well-tailored robes. He
was completely naked underneath.
Severus quickly slipped off the bed and knelt before
Lucius, licking tentatively along his cock before
swallowing it. Lucius closed his eyes and threw back his
head, gasping slightly.
Never taking their eyes off the Slytherins, the
Gryffindors started taking off their clothes.
Lucius concentrated only on the sensations of Severus'
tongue on his cock, of moist warmth surrounding it. When
he opened his eyes again, the sight of two good-looking,
naked men watching intensely from the bed was almost too
much; Lucius pushed Severus away in almost panic.
"What?" Severus asked, looking up at him with worry.
"Don't want to come yet." Lucius said, breathing hard.
Severus felt himself grasped from behind and pulled to
"You're overdressed!" he heard Sirius snarl before he and
Remus started ripping off his robes. Joined by Lucius,
they soon had stripped Snape down and threw him back onto
Severus gasped at the multiple sensations of the three
men licking and caressing him everywhere at once. Gazing
at the ceiling, he thought it had been a wonderful idea
of Lucius to install a mirror there; the sight of three
handsome men moving on him was breathtaking.
After a few minutes of licking Snape's stomach and
fondling his balls, Lucius decided to focus his attention
on Sirius instead, who had until then been nipping
Severus' throat. Pulling Sirius into a tight embrace,
Lucius rolled to the side, so that they were a few inches
apart from Severus and Remus on the sheets. Remus took
his chance and moved to cover Severus completely and
closed his mouth in a deep kiss. Returning the kiss,
Severus moved his hands over Remus' back and butts,
tracing every scar with his fingers. There were many from
the hours he spent as a raving werewolf in a cage.
Lucius and Sirius were frantically rubbing their bodies
against each other while they were licking and biting
each inch of skin they could reach, each of them trying
to gain the upper hand. Finally Sirius won, flipped
Lucius on his stomach and straddled his hips. He wanted
to ask Severus where he kept lube, but he was busy
kissing Remus, so Sirius tried it with: "Accio lube!" It
worked, a drawer opened and a phiole flew into Sirius'
outstretched hand. While opening the small bottle, Sirius
kissed Lucius' neck, then oiled his fingers and slowly
pushed them in. Lucius eagerly moved back at him.
"You mind?" Remus said and took the phiole out of Sirius'
Sirius did not mind and spend a few more minutes
spreading Lucius, then slammed in.
Remus quickly oiled his fingers and pushed them into
Snape's anus, who spread his legs widely to give him
better access. Severus moaned sluttishly as fingers
repeatedly hit his prostrate, but he desperately wanted
more. Finally Remus withdrew his fingers and replaced
them by his prick, moving in and out in a agonisingly
Lucius was clawing his fingers into the sheets beneath
him, moaning loudly while Sirius thrust in and out of
him, hard. It had been a good idea to invite the
Gryffindors to come along.
Sirius was beyond coherent thoughts. He just felt warmth,
muscles milking his cock, driving him closer, closer...
until he came screaming loudly. The feeling of his semen
dispersing into him drove Lucius over the edge and he
came, too, biting into the sheets beneath him.
Remus looked Severus in the eyes while he moved in and
out of him. They looked much more alive than usually,
shining in ecstasy. The look of utter pleasure in them
was enough to make Remus come. Seconds later his was
followed by Severus' orgasm.
Sirius and Remus rolled off the Slytherins and stared at
the ceiling. This mirror was... kind of cool. Sirius
watched Lucius turn onto his back, also gazing up. After
a few minutes rest staring at their mirror image, Lucius
looked gazes with Remus, then crawled over, across Sirius
and Severus, to the werewolf. Severus rolled onto his
side and gazed lasciviously at Sirius. "Ready for round
two?" he asked.
Sirius grinned. Snape took that as a yes and cupped the
back of Sirius' head with his hand, kissing him greedily.
Kissing back, Sirius pulled Snape closer, exploring his
body with his hands.
Lucius and Remus frantically rubbed their bodies against
each other while they were licking and biting each
others' neck and shoulders. "Where is the lube?" Lucius
hissed after a while. "Accio lube!"
Lucius let an amount of oil drop onto his fingers before
he passed the bottle on to Severus. Severus turned Sirius
around so that he was on his hands and knees, admiring
the perfect halfglobes of Sirius' behind.
After preparing the Gryffindors, the Slytherins thrust in
at the same time, moving in and out in an accelerating
rhythm. After a while all four men came together,
screaming in release.
The wizards lay back on the bed, panting in exhaustion.
"This is incredible!" Remus suddenly called out. "I just
had a revelation!"
Severus and Lucius looked at him as if he had lost his
"This new law," Remus said, "it actually can help to
bring Slytherins and Gryffindors to get over their
"Does it?" Lucius said mockingly.
Remus jumped up and started taking on his clothes. "Look
at us, we just got over our quarrels in order to rebel
against the new law. In rebellion we stand together,
Gryffindors and Slytherins alike!"
"Where are you going?" Sirius asked.
"I'm going to spread the word!" Remus called
enthusiastically. "I'm going to tell everyone about our
rebellion. And furthermore I'm going to shag every
Slytherin I meet!" With these words he stormed out of the
room. The three men gaped after him.
"And he tells me that I take every opportunity to get
laid." Sirius finally said, and lay back down on the bed.
Looking around, he noticed that he was lying close to the
manacles inserted in the headboard of the bed, and turned
around to examine them closely.
"What do you need them for?" he asked.
"Do we really need to tell you?" Snape said mockingly.
With a smirk Sirius decided that it might be fun
listening to them trying to explain. "Yes," Sirius
Lucius and Severus exchanged a gaze, smirked evilly, and
each grabbed one of Sirius' wrists, then closed the
chains around them.
"Some things can only be explained by an example."
And the rebellion went on.