I think my main problem is that I tend to act on the spur of the moment, doing things that seem like a good idea at the time, and then not caring about them later. Case in point, I created this page as a vault and a living tribute to myself, with my poems, stories, and other writings serving as landmarks to my talent. And yes, I do believe that I'm talented. I have to, because I have pretty low self-esteem already.

    My talent for writing is all that I have right now, so when somebody compliments me on it, it's as if they are approving of me. The things I don't have, but long for, are: a stable income that I can live off of, a car(and a driver's license to go with it), and, most importantly, someone to sleep with. I say "most importantly" for good reason, because I believe that having a physical presence in my bed, my life, and in most other aspects of my being is more important than money. Most might say that the first two things are needed before the third thing comes about. Namely, that one needs an income to pay for dates to meet somebody to sleep with, and one needs a car to pick the date up in.

    Oh, and just to clarify, I don't mean any euphimistic form of "sleep with". I mean, literally, get into bed with at night and hold in my arms as I drift off to dreamland. Sex is a part of love, but not even a big part.

    A couple spends more time cuddling and talking than they do making love, so when I imagine having a loved one to be with, I will nearly always think of them in the romantic, cutsie, nuzzling sense. Perhaps it's that I'm one of the last great romantic males, or maybe it's the gay side of me, but I believe that sex can wait in a relationship, for years if neccesary, until both people are comfortable with it.

    Unfortunately, I'm not the dating type. I mean, I like to think that I am a good date, but I never really enjoyed dating people. Maybe I'm just impatient, or maybe it's the OCD, but I get annoyed really easily when I have to dance around in a relationship, wondering what terms to use or what things I can and cannot say. Perhaps I feel this way because all of my serious relationships have always just...happened. There was no dating, no awkward moment where I wonder if I should kiss the person good night or just shake their hand, no taking them out to dinner, no long conversations about where I see myself in ten years. Relationships for me always just went from "friends" to "lovers" and, usually, back to "friends" or even "nil" soon after. I guess the reason relationships don't work out for me is that I expect too much from people who just can't offer it, or at least aren't sure that they are able to offer it. As forward as it might sound, when I enter a relationship, I'm looking for nothing less than marriage, or at least living together forever and ever. The fact is that I always saw myself as a family man. When I was fourteen, while the other boys were having circle jerks at each other's house, or playing sports, I was writing down names that I would like to call my future child or children. Granted, I was also involved in my first, and really only, major relationship at the time, but I always knew that I wanted children and I always knew that I wanted someone to last for the rest of my life. It never mattered whether it were a guy or girl; all that mattered was that they wanted to spend their life with me. It never even mattered too much whether we would have kids or not. All that mattered was that them and I would live together. Society says that two people living together should be married, and I have to admit that I always liked the thought of having a girl to share my last name with. However, even if I was with a guy, or with a girl who didn't want marriage or prefered to keep her own name, I just wanted to be with them. I just can't state that point enough. Even if we were living together, and were technically just friends, but we cuddled and happened to sleep together, I would be ecstatic.

    So back to the point at the beginning of this paragraph. I'm not the dating type. "So what?" you might say, "Do you expect to just meet somebody, fall in love with them and suddenly you're picking out china patterns together?" Well, actually, that's sort of what happened. I don't want to reveal too much, but, as you may have noted from my bio, I'm currently smitten with somebody. They know how I feel, because I make no beefs about telling them on a regular basis how I feel. To be blunt, I'm very much in love with them. Unfortunately, we're still far apart, so we can't sleep together or share conversations, meaningful or awkward. And, regarding the sleeping together, I doubt that will happen, since they would rather be my friend. That's not to say that I'm not happy with being their friend. In fact, they are the best friend that I could ever ask for. It's just that there were times when we talked about doing things together that seemed more appropriate with the extent of the feelings that I have for them. You, and others, may scoff at the connotations of an Internet relationship, but I would disagree with what you say. This person and I don't have an Internet relationship. We have a relationship that, at this time, is restricted to contact on the Internet. The fact that we haven't met yet doesn't make what we have any less special to me, it just sort of makes it frustrating.

    But enough about that. I guess the main point I wanted to make with this journal entry is that I tend to create a lot more than I can focus on. Then I went off on a tangent. I got this journal entry thing, then my poems and stories, and then the ongoing gobbledeguk that I created, which I'll work on more later.

    And now...I'm upset and tired, so I guess I'll go now. Recommendations? Umm...listen to "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve. That pretty much explains how I feel right now.

    Later.