Confessions
Winter had come hard and cold that year. Yuusuke shivered slightly in his long overcoat as he walked the still busy streets of Tokyo. Even on Christmas Eve there were tons of people littering the sidewalks and crosswalks. Last minute shoppers bustled in and out of stores Yuusuke passed, but he ignored them. His right hand closed itself tightly around a long, thin box he had in his pocket. He heard the paper crinkle and hoped he didn't wrinkle it too much.
Normally at this time of the year, Yuusuke would travel to Kyoto and spend Christmas with his family, returning to Tokyo just before New Years where he would party with his friends. This year his parents had decided to take the family to the US, specifically California where Yuusuke had an aunt. The younger Arisugawa family members were overjoyed at the idea of going to the beach in December. Yuusuke, on the other hand, turned down the offer to accompany them. He didn't like the idea of lying on the beach in winter, mostly because he wasn't used to it. But that wasn't his only reason. His main reason was Rei. He had a feeling that the Ishikawa master archer would spend Christmas the way he spent most of the year; alone and without company. Yuusuke hoped to change that, especially since there was something he had to tell Rei.
He rounded a corner, not at all surprised that the street was nearly empty of pedestrians; no doubt most of the families still in town were shopping or having dinner, seeing as how it was approaching the evening hours. It didn't take long for Yuusuke to walk to the end of the street. Just as he reached the gate he was searching for, an overhead street lamp flickered on as if to show him the way. Yuusuke smiled as he opened the gate and mounted the steps. A black gloved hand reached out, gripping the braided red and white tassel, giving it a sharp shake. The overhead bell chime sounded, alerting whoever was in the house to a guest. Yuusuke waited, shivering slightly in the cold breeze.
Within a few minutes, socked footsteps on a wooden floor could be heard. There was a pause as the person stopped to slip into some shoes, before the large wooden entrance door was slowly drawn open. Instead of Ayako's normally smiling face, Yuusuke was greeted by Rei's calm but surprised expression. He was dressed plainly in slightly long jeans, a white sweater, and white socks. He seemed quite surprised to see Yuusuke.
"Yuusuke," he called, not bothering to hide the surprise in his voice.
"Konban wa, Rei-kun," Yuusuke said, cheerily as ever. Rei stepped aside, allowing him to enter. He did so with a slight tilt of his head before side stepping Rei. He heard the door shut and lock behind him before Rei stepped out from his left, removed his shoes, and stepped onto the wooden floor. He motioned to Yuusuke to do the same.
"Dooshite koko ni?" Rei asked as Yuusuke removed his overcoat while stepping into the warm house.
"I came to see you, who else? A re? Ayako-san-tachi wa?"
"I give Ayako-san and the others off every Christmas. They left yesterday and aren't due back until after New Years."
"So�you're all alone then?"
"As I have been for the last four Christmases." Yuusuke winced as he followed Rei down the hallway. Now that was something he hadn't expected to hear. He knew Rei probably spent Christmas alone, but he had thought either Ayako or Kotaro would remain behind with him like they did during the summer break. He hadn't expected at all to hear Rei say he spent Christmas completely alone.
Yuusuke shook the thoughts out of his head when he suddenly realized where Rei had led him too. He was surprised to find himself standing in the doorway of Rei's room; he had assumed he would be led to some sort of sitting area for them to talk. He entered, a bit timidly, when Rei motioned him to do so.
"I'll go fix some tea," the Ishikawa archer said before turning and disappearing down the hall, leaving Yuusuke to marvel at the room.
It was a simple, large room, clean and well kept. Shoji screens along one of the longer walls leading to the outside gardens were closed; a set of wooden sliding doors were also closed, keeping out the cold air. The other three walls were sets of paper doors, one open and leading into the hallway Yuusuke had just stepped out of.
The wall opposite the wooden doors supported two, three shelved bookcases flanking a dresser. Peering closer, Yuusuke saw that one case was half full with manga, some of them shoujo. He smirked, recalling that day during the summer Rei had chided him after he nearly shouted to the world Rei's manga preference. The other case appeared to be housing various texts; Yuusuke recognized some as high school textbooks, others as university entrance exam study guides, and others as history texts. The spines of the history texts held the mon of the Ishikawa family, two crossed arrows, tied in the center by a paper ribbon, in front of a sakura flower background. Yuusuke gathered they were books depicting the history of Rei's family.
On the dresser sat a stereo system; it was nothing fancy, a cassette deck, an MD deck, a CD deck, speakers, and an amplifier completed the set. It was flanked to the right side by nearly 30 CDs and MDs, plus a few cassettes, all by various artists and groups. Yuusuke noticed a CD spinning silently in the CD deck and wondered what Rei had been listening to before he entered.
Turning from the dresser and shelves, Yuusuke sat at a low table somewhere in the center of the room, setting his coat on the floor next to him in a neat, folded pile. His brown eyes wandered the room, taking in its other features. The table, which doubled as a study desk, was clean and cleared of everything except for an alarm clock and a copy of Rasen no Kakera volume ten. A little further from the table was a futon, situated not far from one of the bookcases.
He likes to read before going to sleep, Yuusuke mused after seeing how close to the shelves the futon was, his eyes noticing the pale bluish print of cranes painted on the paper walls. He also noticed the pile of laundry, half folded, just to his right. His eyes widened as he remembered Rei saying he always did his own laundry. He would have looked around more if Rei hadn't entered behind him, carrying a tray holding a teapot, two cups, sugar, and two slices of strawberry cake. He pushed the manga to the edge of the table before placing the tray down and pouring the first cup.
"I take it your room is always this clean," Yuusuke said as Rei handed him a cup of steaming tea.
"I can't study in a messy room," Rei replied, pouring his own cup. "I'll keep stopping myself to pick something up and put it away." Yuusuke nodded, noting how that was a complete contrast to himself. If Rei could see his room now, he would be shocked; Yuusuke never was known to keep a clean place.
He took a sip of the tea and blinked.
"Peppermint."
"It's what I like." He grinned, almost slapping himself for not remembering. He looked up, noticing the CD still spinning.
"What were you listening to?" Instead of replying, Rei stood, stepped to the dresser in two strides, and pressed the PLAY button on the player. Within seconds, the voice of Tange Sakura began to sing Bright Shine on Time.
"I recognize the song," Yuusuke said after listening for a minute. "Fujiko-chan said she wanted to find the CD it was playing on."
"I can make her a copy if she likes," Rei said, resuming his seat. "That's if she has an MD player."
"She will tomorrow. Oyaji got one for her as a Christmas present."
"Then I'll make a copy." Yuusuke grinned again before taking a bite of the cake. He was surprised at the taste; it wasn't too sweet nor was it too bland. His surprise must have shown on his face.
"Oishii?" Yuusuke dumbly nodded before speaking.
"Did Suzume-san make it before she left?"
"Iya, I made it this morning." He just stared. Yuusuke knew Rei could cook, he had told him so over summer. But to find that he could cook this well was startling.
A few moments of silence passed, neither making any noise. The silence was briefly interrupted now and then by a clicking teacup at it was set on its saucer or by a fork against a plate. Finally, Rei spoke.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, looking up at Yuusuke.
"I said I came to see you," came the reply.
"No, really, why are you here? You normally pop up unexpectedly, but it's not to see me, not like this anyway." He looked into Rei's sea green eyes before sighing and reaching into his coat's pocket. There wasn't any use hiding his true purpose anymore.
Wordlessly, Yuusuke drew out the thin package from his pocket. It was wrapped in pale blue paper and tied with a silver ribbon. Rei took it, staring at the package in his hand a moment, before looking up at Yuusuke again.
"Ake de ii?" Yuusuke nodded, waiting. Slowly Rei undid the ribbon before pulling away the blue wrapping. He opened the velvety gray box in his hand and drew out a silver and sea green toned pen. The pen caught in the light, causing the iridescent surface to shimmer various shades of green.
"Ko re wa?"
"A Christmas present. Ayako-san said you were studying for entrance exams. I thought it would come in handy while studying or taking the tests. Besides, the color matches your eyes." A slight flush came to Rei's face as fingered the pen in his hand.
"Arigato," he whispered without looking to Yuusuke.
"There's actually another reason why I came." Rei put the pen down, finally able to look up and meet Yuusuke's eyes. He searched them, wondering what Yuusuke wanted, but found nothing.
"Nani ka?"
"I need to talk to you�and tell you something."
"Tell me what it is you need to say, then we can talk." He sighed, putting down his now empty cup. He gazed into Rei's calm eyes a moment, gathering his thoughts, before he opened his mouth again.
"Please let me finish before you say anything, this is kind of hard for me to do." Rei nodded slowly, waiting, his hands folded on the table in front of him. Yuusuke swallowed once before getting his voice again and resuming his speech.
"Since the day I met you, walked into this place, I've been intrigued by you. The way you speak, act, talk to others, carry yourself, it's all different than what I've seen in others. You act older than you are, wiser. In a way, I guess, you are older. You've been through so much in such a short time. You've had to learn how to handle things on your own much sooner than others do. You've had to learn to depend on no one but yourself to make the right decisions. And you trust few others to help you or to change your mind.
"I like all those things about you. I like how calm you are no matter where you are or what's going on. I like how you keep silent and seem like you don't care when your eyes take in everything around you and your mind is whirling with questions, answers, and statements. I like how you don't let the ideas, actions, and judgements of others effect who you are, how you behave, or what you do.
"In short, Rei, I like you. Iya, I love you." Rei's eyes widened. Had he heard right? Had Yuusuke just said�
"I know what you're thinking. You're wondering if you heard me right, or if I had a slip of the tongue. Your first thought is the correct one.
"In the past six months that I've known you, I had mixed feelings about you. I started by respecting you, even looking up to you. Then I started to get curious about who you are, what you do, how you act. Lately, though, I've come to worry about you, and care. And, I realize, I do love you." He didn't answer. Yuusuke watched him as Rei stood, going to the wooden door and opening it halfway. He watched him, his back turned to Yuusuke, waiting.
Rei didn't know what to think. The idea that someone like Yuusuke could like him so much-could love him-somewhat scared him. He had opened the door, ignoring the cold that seeming to blow in through the still shut shoji screens, because he needed air and room to think. He had spent five years of his life trying to isolate himself from others as much as he could. He didn't want people to care for him, to love him. Rei had been afraid that if they did love him-and he cared for them in return-he would feel pain and heartache when they left. He would feel the pain he had when his parents died. He didn't want that, didn't want to feel loved.
But now here was Yuusuke telling him that he loved Rei. He didn't know what to do, what to say, so he just kept silent. But the silence had gone on too long for Yuusuke. Not five minutes had passed before he stood and stepped over until he was behind Rei. He didn't reach out, didn't touch him�not yet anyway.
"Rei," he called softly. "I have to know. What are you thinking? Tell me what's running through your mind. I've never been able to even guess what you're thinking. Tell me." He waited a moment, hoping. When all he got was a faint shake of the head, something inside him snapped. In an instant he had reached out, taken Rei by the shoulders, and turned him around.
He didn't look up, didn't meet the gaze boring down into him. Rei didn't want to see the expression on Yuusuke's face. He felt Yuusuke's hands grip his shoulders, not tightly, but they might as well have been a vice to Rei. He kept his eyes fixed to the ground, hoping everything would blow over. It didn't.
"Rei!" Yuusuke nearly shouted, shaking him slightly. "Rei, why won't you let others close? Why won't you tell people how you feel? You keep everything inside. Do you keep everything hidden to help everyone? To prevent them from worrying about you? Rei, they already worry about you. Everyone worries about you because you don't share your feelings.
"Tell me what's bothering you. Tell me what you are feeling. Rei!!" He shook him again�but stopped the moment he felt something wet touch his face. Yuusuke's eyes widened as he gazed at Rei, feeling the slight tremble from the grip he had on his shoulders.
"Rei�are you crying?" There was no answer. Slowly, he reached out, taking Rei's chin in his hand. Yuusuke saw the tears glistening at the corner of his eyes as Rei's face came into view. He watched as a tear slipped away, creating a river down one cheek.
"I don't like telling people my feelings," he heard Rei say in a small, shaky voice. "I don't want others to see inside of me."
"Dooshite?" Yuusuke asked softly as he closed the wooden door and made them both sit near the futon.
"Because I don't want others to know how I feel and try to change things. I don't want them to try and work around my feelings. I don't want someone to care about me, try to protect me, and then end up getting hurt because of me.
"I don't want others to know how I feel because then I'll feel pressured to discover how I feel about them. If something happens to them, I'm afraid of the pain I'll feel. I'm afraid I'll feel the same as when�" His voice died; he couldn't finish his thought. He didn't have to; Yuusuke finished it for him.
"Like when your parents died." Rei nodded in a trance-like state.
"Rei, look at me." Sea green eyes filled with emotional tears slowly turned to him, gazing into Yuusuke's kind, smiling brown ones. A gentle hand reached up, wiping away a tear that had just fallen.
"I do love you. I don't care what you say or do; it's not going to change how I feel."
"I�I don't know how I feel about you." He pulled him close, holding him, hoping to provide some comfort. Rei didn't protest; instead, he closed his eyes and seemed to meld into Yuusuke's embrace, his tears slowly drying.
"It doesn't matter how you feel�not now. Just let me show you how I feel." Rei nodded slowly. A soft smile graced Yuusuke's face as he tilted Rei's head upwards. Their gaze met and held; a moment later, their lips did the same. It was a soft, shy touch at first, but as the seconds passed it deepened. All of Yuusuke's feelings were put into that one kiss; he wanted Rei to know exactly how he felt.
They broke for air, gazing at each other. In a moment, Yuusuke was on his feet. He reached above him and tugged on the light switch. In an instant the room plunged into darkness, giving the two new lovers some peace.
It was almost midnight, but Yuusuke's couldn't sleep. He gazed up at the ceiling, listening to the constant ticking of the alarm clock on the table just above him and to his left. Next to him, nestled underneath the thick quilt of the futon slept Rei. His breathing was slow and even as he slept, his head cradled in the bend of Yuusuke's shoulder. The soft flush that had been present on his cheeks during their sweet evening still hadn't left his face. Yuusuke smiled at the sight, bending his head slightly to kiss his forehead. Rei stirred but didn't wake, shifting slightly in his sleep. Yuusuke smiled again, turning to gaze around the room again.
Something to his right caught his eye. He turned his head in that direction and found something he hadn't noticed before. On the bottom shelf of the bookcase housing the manga was a small stand with little notches. The stand was almost hidden from view unless you looked carefully or knelt on the floor. There were three tiers to the stand, each holding a dozen notches. Some were empty, but most of the notches were full. Those that were held a little temple charm, each representing a different temple or small shrine. Yuusuke peered at them, trying to see which charm came from where and belonged to which deity.
"I collect them," a small voice said to his left. He jumped slightly but relaxed when he turned and discovered that Rei had awakened. Sleepy green eyes followed Yuusuke's gaze, falling on each charm.
"You have a lot," Yuusuke commented.
"I started when my parents died. Every New Years I go to a different temple. Before I leave, I always get one. I sometimes pass a shrine on the way home from school and I'll pick up a charm then."
"Which is your favorite?" Rei was silent a moment as he gazed at each charm, trying to answer the question. After a time, he reached passed Yuusuke and tapped a charm on the second tier. It was of a crimson red color with sakura stitched all over its surface. In the center was stitched "Omamori," a protection charm; the name of the shrine was stitched on the bottom. Yuusuke recognized the shrine as one he had passed when he first arrived in Tokyo. He reached over and flipped the charm to the back, finding the silhouette of a fox embroidered there.
"An Inari shrine?" Rei nodded.
"I found the shrine two years ago. It was small but I was impressed at how well it was kept."
"What's this one?" Rei looked at Yuusuke tapped a small white charm, pale blue flowers stitched along the surface. It said nothing but stood out from all the others. It hung on the top most tier.
"That was my mother's. My grandmother gave it to her. She gave it to me before she died."
"What's it for?"
"Nothing really. And everything. My mother said she carried it everywhere she went whether she needed protection or guidance."
"And what's this one?" He tapped a charm to the right of the white one. This one was dark blue in color, but the Ishikawa family name and mon had been embroidered on the front.
"That's the school's charm. My father gave me that just before my first tournament when I was eight. Every member of this dojo has one."
"I don't." He raised his head so he could look into Yuusuke's face.
"So ka�you arrived sooner than the others had. Usually a week passes from the time you speak to Kotaro-san to the time you actually arrive. During that time, we use the measurements Kotaro-san takes to fit you with all the gear. The charm is tucked into the glove; most people find it when they put on the glove for the first time."
"So that's why I didn't get one." Rei nodded.
"You came quicker than we had expected. Ayako-san had to take some of my spare gear and give them to you to use until we could properly equip you. It slipped our minds that you didn't receive a charm."
"What's so important about it?"
"It's tradition. Every person to uses the Ishikawa dojo to train and enters tournaments under our banner carries a charm. They tuck it into the folds of their kimonos for luck. Ojii-san says that the only Ishikawa archers he's ever seen lose were those that forgot their charms. He may be exaggerating but it's come to be tradition that each student carries one."
"So I guess that means at the world tournament I'm going to lose since I don't have one." Rei thought about the idea for a moment. He reached past Yuusuke and, with a slight flick of his wrist, had the Ishikawa charm off the stand. Much to Yuusuke's surprise, Rei pressed it into his hand, covering it with his own.
"Rei�"
"Take mine, Yuusuke."
"But, if your grandfather is right about this whole tradition thing, you'll lose at the tournament. We can't have you, the master of this school, losing at such an important meet."
"A ra, I was under the impression you didn't believe in superstition."
"I don't. But I don't like taking chances either. Rei, as the master of this school, you are the last archer to compete. Even if we all score well and hit our marks, if you lose, we all lose. You shouldn't be the one breaking tradition."
"I intend to prove that tradition wrong." He stared at him, then grinned. Yuusuke tilted his head up and planted a soft kiss on Rei's lips.
"You know, that's why I like you." A faint smile spread across Rei's face before Yuusuke kissed him again. Soon after they fell asleep, the charm still pressed between their two clasped hands.