| A Wedding in Purgatory By Ratt |
| This story derives from events that took place as a gag in an Internet chatroom. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Though I know all the participants by name I have thanked them by screen-name. Special thanks to LiVinGDeADGiRL, Dr. Twist420, Twiggy, Jai, PUNKchick, FlyBaNGer, and anyone else who might have been there. |
| It all started the night Marcus asked Julie to marry him. Not that it was a bad thing; they were made for each other. But maybe a formal wedding was going a bit far. Marcus had his best man ready; Luke was the obvious choice. They had been war buddies during the invasion of England. Now they were like brothers, inseparable. Julie on the other hand had to many girl friends to chose from. For days and nights she agonized over the choice for days. She knew the girls would be offended if she picked a particular one. That�s how I came into it. She asked me to do it. I was flattered of course when Julie asked me to take an active part in the wedding. I wondered where they could use me. �What would I do? Usher, Ring Bearer, what?� �Well you�d be my bridesmaid of course.� It was three-o-clock the next morning when it struck me that a man is not the best choice for a bridesmaid. The day of the wedding I was there, in the dress, unshaven, hung over, and trying to find a cigarette. Luke as well was there, war flashbacks and all. The guests were few. Jay was there in all her splendor. Charlie as well, she looked beautiful. Michael was late, someone thought he might be pawning the rings. Then the pastor came out. It was Mary, Julie�s daughter, it shocked us all, we all thought Mary had grown up to be a prostitute. Mary stepped up to the pulpit, �Ok,� she screamed at us, �everyone sit down and shut up!� �Now would the bride and groom please come forward.� Marcus tripped on the way up. But of course Julie�s entrance was flawless. Until I came into view, I�d managed to find a cigarette, and I was still smoking it. �Now we are gathered here today,� Mary started �To join this girl, and this guy, in holy matramonity. Does anyone object to this union? Well shut your traps I ain�t got time.� That was when Marcus booked it. With no warning the groom decided that maybe he should leave, and fast. Before Mary could utter another word he was halfway down the aisle. I of course will not dress up in an ugly yellow dress and then have the event stop abruptly. So I went after him Outside I made a mighty lunge for him and landed squarely on my face. Fortunately I got a hand on his ankle. Michael chose that moment to show up as well. The two of us, Michael with shaving cream on one half of his face, and me wearing a sadly disheveled dress, carried him back in by his armpits. Finally the magic moment arrived, with a great flourish Mary got to the good part. �Mom do you take this wash out to be your lawfully wedded husband, to cook for and to screw when he�s not drunk until you�re both dead?� With tears in her eyes Julie said a choked yes. �Marcus do you take this twice divorced mother of two to slave for and give all your money to, until she dumps you too?�Marcus seemed to have some problems at this point, until I smacked him on the back of the head. �Yeah, sure I do.� Michael pulled out the rings and handed them to the happy couple. They looked deep into each other�s eyes. The moment passed and they got to kiss. The only thing that can be said now is that we all enjoy a good party at any excuse. We all got smash drunk. And the happy couple spent the first night of their honeymoon in a holding cell. The charges were eventually dropped when it was decided that it�s impossible to get a car speared on a lightning rod when you�re drunk. For your information, the opposite is true; I�ve tried it sober. |