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The Truck Driver and the Priest

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift"

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."


At the Lab

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.


How Much Is?

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"


The Brain Store

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"


The Lawyer and the Bear

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"


The Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill. He panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist thoughtfully. "No, I was just wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."


Good News and Bad News

Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."


We Got A Lot

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.


Lightbulbs and Lawyers

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

T.V.
A blonde wanted to buy a TV, so she went into the store. She found one she wanted, and asked the shop assistant what the price was. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was. The blonde walked out, and got her hair colored into red. Next day, she walked in, and asked the shop assistant how much her chosen TV was. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was again. She was confused. So, again, she walked out. She got her hair colored into black. Next day, she walked in, and asked how much was her chosen TV. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes!" his reply was again. Now the blonde was really confused. "How did you know I was a blonde?" asked the girl. "Well, because what you've got there is a microwave. "


A Blonde in real life

This is a true incident, and thought you might enjoy it.
While my wife and I were on our way out to dinner with another couple, my buddy's girlfriend, a blond, decided to tell us a blond joke. It went something like this:
The Blond: You guys want to hear a blond joke?
Us: Sure!
The Blond: If you have two blonds and a brunette, what is the brunette doing?
Me: Interpreting.
The Blond: No, she's translating!
(at this point I almost crashed the car cuz my eyes were filled with tears from laughing so hard.) The boyfriend, trying to help, is attempting to explain why the three of us are dying. Her next words:
The Blond: But they're not the same thing! One is when there are different languages.
Fortunately, we reached the restaurant then, because I was unable to drive much farther before hitting something :)


The Blonde Painter

One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and say, "HI,is there anything I could do for your house or u???"
The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."
The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?"
The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"
The quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"
25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?"
surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money"
he comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!"


Deer Tracks

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.


Have another Drink

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde go into a bar. The brunette says to the barkeep, "I'd like a BL." The bartender replies, "What's a BL?" The brunette answers in a snotty voice, "A Bud Light. DUH!"
So, the bartender dutifully serves up a Bud Light. Then, the redhead says, "I'd like an ML." The bartender asks, "What's an ML?" The redhead answers, as if to a slow child, "Miller Lite. DUH!"
After serving the redhead, the bartender, now wary and on alert, turns to the blonde.
She says, "I'd like a fifteen, please." The bartender thinks and then says, "Okay, I understand that a BL is a Bud Light and an ML is a Miller Lite. But, I can't figure out what a fifteen is."
The blonde rolls her eyes, tosses her hair and answers, "A Seven and Seven. DUH!"


Locked Out

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde #1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde #2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"


Drive Time

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."
"Are they close?"
"Yes."
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."


Row Your Boat

There's a blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a field, just rowing and rowing her heart out. Another blonde comes down the road, looks into the field, and stares at the first blonde.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she asks.
"I'm rowing, and I'd better hurry up! I'm going to be late!" says the first girl.
The second girl gets mad. "What?! You know, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name! And if I could swim, I'd come out there and slap you silly!"


They Are Getting Smarter

A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was constantly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all.
The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, "Hey ... I bet I know something that ALL of you don't know. I know ALL of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb."
The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, "Ok ... what's the capital of Texas?"
To which she smugly replied, "T."


No, Over There

There were two blondes driving to disney land in Los Angeles. The were looking for signs that would lead them there. One of them finally saw a sign. It said "Disney, Left .... so they turned around and went back home


Blonde One Liners and Riddles

How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought!
How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.
Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.
Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.
Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for Toes G o In First.
How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.
How do you give a blonde a brain transplant .... blow in her ear.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common .... they're both empty from the neck up.
What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear .... thanks for the refill.
What's the mating call of a brunette .... Is that darn blonde gone yet?
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink .... that's where you wash vegetables.
How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle .... shine a light in her ear.
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in handicapped zones.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you .... pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall .... to see what was on the other side.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb .... 6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb .... two .... one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady.
The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went .... it finally dawned on her.
Brunette to the blonde .... Awww, look at the dead birdie .... the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"?
How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer .... there is "white-out" all over the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer .... there's writing on the "white-out".
Why do blondes wear ear muffs? .... to avoid the draft.
What did the blonde visiting O.J. think this was .... spilled finger nail polish.
What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears .... trying to hold on to a thought.
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? .... because it said "concentrate".
Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet .... she thought it was diet "coke".
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering .... the noise gave her a headache.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips .... from trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar .... she heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs .... they don't know the route.
Why does blondes have elevator jobs .... they like going up and down.
Why do blondes work seven days a week .... so you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work .... she opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it
How did the blonde die drinking milk.......the cow sat down
Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies .... it takes to long to get the shells off the M & M's
Why can't the blonde keep a job at the M & M factory .... she keeps throwing away the W's
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts .... change
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 10 .... one to mix the dough and nine to sort out the W's
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 3 .... one to make batter and two to peel the M & Ms.
How can you tell if a blonde has baked chocolate cookies .... there are M & M hulls all over the floor
How can you tell if a blonde is going to back chocolate cookies .... she is throwing out all of the W's
What is written at the bottom of a blonde's fishing pond .... bring your own fish
Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool .... no smoking
what does a blond do when someone says its chili outside .... she grabs a bowl
what do you call a blonde with one brain cell .... gifted
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells .... pregnant
What is a blond with brunette died hair .... artificial intelligence
Why did the blond stare at the orange juice .... it said concentrate
Why Can't Blondes get "mad Cow Disease .... you can't get it twice
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes .... knock on the door
What stops then goes, stops then goes .... A blonde at a blinking red light
What do you call two blondes in the freezer .... frosted flakes
Pepsi came out with a new can just for blondes .... It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.
Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears .... they're refuelling
Why do blondes comb their bangs strait up .... They don't want anything going over their head
How did the blonds brain cell die .... alone
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios .... Hey, Look!! A bunch of doughnut seeds
What do you call a smart blond .... Labrador
How many blonde jokes are there? .... none, they're all true
Why don't blonds ever become pharmacists .... It's too hard to fit the bottle in the typewriter
Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio .... she didn't want one for nights
Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet .... she was last years hide and seek winner
Why are there blonde jokes .... to make brunettes jealous
Why doesn't a blonde make Kool Aid .... couldn't get 8 glasses of water in the little packet
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in the handicapped zone
What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under water .... a blonde trying to put it out
What do you call a blonde with a brand new P.C .... a dumb terminal
How do you call a blond .... you don't .... you whistle
What does a blond say when she see's a banana skin on the side walk .... am going to fall again
I'm a blonde and still like blonde jokes .... must have been written by a true blonde
Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand .... so brunettes can understand them
How did the blond burn her ear .... the phone rang while she was ironing
What's a blond between 2 brunette .... a mental block
Why do blondes wear their hair up .... to catch anything that goes over their heads
Why does a blonde smile when there is lightening .... she thinks she is getting her picture taken
There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but they could not get in .... the sign said, "must be 18 to enter"
How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb .... only one .... she holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her
What do you call 3 blondes that walk into a building .... beats me .... you would think one of them would have seen it
How do you drown a blonde .... glue a penny to the bottom of a pool
Why are there no brunette jokes .... because blondes would have to think them up
How does a blonde make instant pudding .... places the box in the microwave, and looks for the "instant pudding setting
How do you confuse a blonde, put three shovels against the wall and tell her .... to take her "PICK"
How do you drive a blonde crazy .... put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead .... trying to make up her mind
What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes .... interpreter
What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box .... a case of empties
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink .... that is where you clean all vegetables
Why did it take the blonde 7 days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago .... she kept seeing signs that read .... stop clean bath room
A blonde went to the doctor's with burnt feet, "how did you do it" asked the doctor" .... "cooking soup .... the instructions said "open can .... stand in boiling water for 7 minutes
Why can't a blonde make ice cubes .... Don't know the recipe
How do you get rid of blondes .... form a circle, give each a gun and tell them they are a firing squad
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow .... to get chocolate milk

A guy gets paired at the local golf course with a nun and they are making their way around the course when they finally arrive at the fifth tee; a long par four with a dog leg to the left. The guy drives off the tee and his ball hooks sharply into a thick rough near some woods. "Shit," he yells, "that really pisses me off, dammit!" The nun can't help but overhear him cussing out loud and she tells the man that he shouldn't be swearing like that and proceeds to scold him about his language. Then the nun tees off and slices her ball into the woods where it hits a large oak tree, bounces back and lands almost back at the tee box. She starts swearing up a storm, using every bad word in the book. Her golf partner approaches her and says, "how come you are saying all of those nasty words when you told me God didn't like my using them?"
"Well," replied the nun, "at least your ball didn't hit those fuckin' trees."


GOLF WIDOW

A lady decides that she better take up golf in order to enjoy her husband's company once in a while so she signs up for lessons with the club pro. After several lessons she starts to get various pieces of the swing down but always seems to spray her balls off target because her grip is wrong. One minute she hooks everything, the next minute she hits a bad slice. The pro is not sure how to teach her to maintain the correct club grip so he thinks for a moment and finally says to her: "Now don't get me wrong here. I am not trying to be vulgar or improper but I want you to learn to grip your club properly and the only thing I can think of is to tell you to grip the club like you do your husband's organ." The lady nodded her head in apparent understanding and started to hit her shots 250 yards down the center of the fairway. The pro was amazed and said to the lady, "you are hitting the ball great but this time try taking the club out of your mouth."



FUNERAL NEAR GOLF COURSE

A guy is out golfing with his buddy when the two of them see a funeral procession go by the outer perimeter of the course. The guy takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by before putting. His friend notices the gesture and responds favorably and then asks him why he did it. "It was the least I could do after we'd been married 40 years," the man replied.


FIRE ENGINE RED GOLF BALL

A guy is golfing with his buddy and when they approach the 5th hole with a water hazard, he takes a fire engine red golf ball out of his bag and tees it up. The buddy notices the unusual ball and asks his friend all about it. "Well," his friend says, "this ball is the one I use when I am afraid I could lose a ball on a hole. If I hit this ball into a thick rough, there is an electronic homing device in the ball that will automatically activate itself and I can locate it underneath the grass by listening for the sound being emitted."
"Wow," remarks his friend, but what happens if you hit the ball into a water hazard like the one on this hole?"
"If the ball goes into water, it has two little flotation devices that spring out and the ball just lies on the surface of the water so that I can easily see it. Then a little internal motor starts up and a rudder and propeller protrude from the sides and the ball zeros in on the shoreline and I don't have to do anything but wait for it to come to land."
"That's just amazing," remarks the friend, but what happens if the ball gets buried in a sand trap?"
"Oh, that one is easy," replied the guy. "The ball has a little scooping device that becomes activated and it allows the ball to burrow through the sand until it gets to the surface where it can be seen."
"Gosh," remarked the friend in utter amazement, "can you tell me where I can get a ball like this?"
"I don't know," replied the friend, I just found it."


GOLFER THAT'S TWO MINUTES LATE

A guy, who is from out of town is visiting a golf club. He gets paired up with one of the members and when they play a round and the guy shoots par, the member is amazed. He has never seen anyone come in who was left-handed and shoot par on a course he never played before, so his mind starts to think how he can make some easy money off the situation. He asks the man if he can play the next day at 10 a.m.; that there is a group they can play against for money and it is a sure thing. The guys says, "yes, I can play then but I will be two minutes late."
Sure enough, the out of towner shows up two minutes late, plays the entire round right-handed and he and his partner take all of the money. His partner is amazed that the out of towner can not only play left-handed but equally well from the right side. He then asks the man if he can play the next day at 11 am; that he has another group of bigwig golfers lined up and the money will be theirs for the taking. The guy tells him, "yes, I can make it, but I will be two minutes late."
Sure enough, the next day he is there two minutes late, he golfs left-handed and he and his partner win lots of money again. His partner then asks him is he can play again the following day and the same scenario takes place. After they win again, the club member says to the out of towner, "I noticed that on one day you played left-handed and the next day you played right-handed and then the following day, you played left-handed again and equally well, I might add. Please tell me how you know on any given day which side you will play from?"
"Oh, that's easy," said the man. "If my wife is sleeping on her right side when I wake up in the morning, I play from the right side. If she is sleeping on her left side, I play from the left side."
"Well," replied the member, "what if she is sleeping on her back?"
"Oh, that's when I am two minutes late."


GUY GOLFING WITH FROG

A guy is relating how one day he was out golfing at a new country club when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, on the third hole, appeared a frog. "The frog then said to me, 'hey buddy, I've been watching your game and you don't want to hit a five iron from there to the green. You will need your three iron.' I listened to the frog's advice and decided to use my three iron and sure enough, my ball lands pin high right on the green only six feet from the hole. On the next hole the frog advises me to hit a 'fade' and sure enough this shot works well also. I'm doing so well listening to the frog that I decide to play the whole round with him giving me advice and I play the best round of golf ever. So I finally tell the frog that I owe him a favor and ask him how I can repay him for his help.
The frog tells me that he would like me to buy him a drink at the clubhouse. I'm not too keen on this idea because I don't feel comfortable sitting in the clubhouse with a frog but when the frog insists that is the least I should do, I give in. Afterwards, the frog asks me to buy him dinner. Again, I am not sure I want to be seen at a dinner club with a frog at my table, but when the frog reminds me how helpful he was, I decide to take the frog to dinner. After we get done eating, the frog asks me if we can go to a motel together. When I balk at this idea, the frog states that if his request is granted, he will help me golf the next day. Realizing what a plus it would be to my game to have the frog with me another full day, I decide to check in with the frog at a local motel.
When we get into our room, the frog asks me for just one kiss. Realizing that I better comply or else the frog might not play golf with me the next day, I kiss the frog and the frog turns into a drop dead gorgeous fourteen year old blonde. So, there your Honor," says the golfer, "that's exactly how it happened!"


TIGER WOODS AT AUGUSTA

After winning the Masters at Augusta, Tiger Woods returns and is in the pro shop. The guy in the pro shop tells him that blacks aren't allowed to play at Augusta and advises him that there is a public course that he can play on just a seven iron distance down the road. Tiger Woods looks at the pro and says, "You must not realize who I am. I am Tiger Woods."
The guy in the pro shop realizing his mistake says, "Oh, then for you it`s only a three iron."


GOLFER'S BEST BALL OF THE DAY

Did you hear the one about the golfer who claimed that the best ball he hit all day happened when he stepped on the rake lying in the sand trap.


SLOW GOLF PLAY

A minister, priest and a rabbi were out playing golf at the country club and got behind a foursome moving so slowly, it was unbearable. The foursome hit their ball everywhere but in the fairway and took forever to sink their puts. And worse yet, they wouldn't let the three church heads play through. Finally after spending almost 2 hours just to play three holes, all three were ticked off by the unusually slow play. Finally the priest noticed one of the country club officials going by on a golf cart. He stopped him to ask about the slow playing conditions. By this time, all three of them were cussing up a storm and cursing the slow play. First the priest starts in complaining and explaining how long it has taken to play only three holes. Then the minister starts cursing also, telling the country club official how he will advise everyone not to play at the club anymore in the next church bulletin. Finally the country club official stops them and asks, "Didn't any of you read our last club notice that was sent out over two weeks ago."
"All of the church heads shook their heads and replied, "No."
The head of the country club explained to them that today was specifically set aside as a golf outing for the blind as a service to the community.
After hearing the explanation, all of the church heads start apologizing profusely and saying how sorry they were. Then the country club head looks over at the rabbi and says, "Don't you have anything to say."
"Well, yeah! Why can't they play at night?"


8-IRON SHOT

A golfer hit his ball off the tee into a deep thicket. When he finds his ball, he decided to try and hit it out using his 8-iron. He tries several swings at it but can't dislodge it from the growth. Dejected and looking around, he notices a shiny object nearby. He goes over to see what it is and notices an 8-iron attached to a human skeleton. Noticing his partner standing nearby with the cart and golf clubs he yells out, "Better throw me a wedge, you can't get outta here with an 8-iron."


AMATEUR GOLFER TALKING TO PRO

An amateur golfer and a pro golfer were talking. The pro was bragging how he could hit a 7-iron 180 yards to the green and back it up. The amateur was impressed and asked him how he did it. "Well," said the pro, "it's easy." Tell me how far you hit your 7-iron?"
"I can hit my 7-iron about 130 yards to the green," replied the amateur.
"So why do you want to back it up?" replied the pro.


DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BAD GOLFER AND BAD SKY DIVER

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
Ans: The bad golfer goes, smack, "Oh Shit!"


STEVIE WONDER BETTING ON GOLF WITH NICKLAUS

Nicklaus walks into a bar where Stevie Wonder is playing and is introduced to him. Stevie says to Jack, "Do you know I'm a helluva golfer."
Jack replies, "How is that possible? You're blind."
"Makes no difference," says Wonder. "I place my caddie out approximately where I can hit the ball , he calls to me and I hit it to him."
"How do you putt?" asks Jack.
"I have my caddie get down on the ground behind the hole and I putt towards his voice. I'm a scratch golfer, Jack, and to prove it I don't play for under $1000 dollars a hole!
Jack says, "would you like to play me?"
Stevie replies, "I'd love to! When do you want to play," asks Jack.
Stevie thinks a moment and replies, "Any night next week."


GUY AND LADY STRANDED ON AN ISLAND--golfer's version

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Accustomed to 5-Star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four years he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "And the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of the material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from the palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible!" stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into a forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware." But enough of that," she said. "Is there anything I can get for you? I have lots of supplies here in my boat."
The man thought about it for a while and realizing it had been over four years since he last smoked a cigarette, he asked the beautiful woman, if she had any.
"Why, yes I do have some. Would you like filtered or non-filtered?"
Startled the he even had a choice, he chose the filtered ones. Then after smoking the cigarette and thoroughly enjoying this pleasure, he asked the woman if she had any booze.
"Of course I do, would you like me to make you a martini? I have both gin and vermouth but I can easily fix you another drink if that's what you prefer."
"No, a martini would be perfect," the man replied. So the lady opened up a well-stocked bar in the bow of her boat and made him a extra dry martini with an olive and he drank it and even asked for another, since it was so good.
The lady was now wondering if this man might be receptive to some sex since he obviously hadn't been with any women for over four years and he certainly was very attractive and seemed fit and social. So she decided to broach the subject with him and said, "I bet you've been quite lonely living on this island alone for over four years. Speaking for myself, I can tell you that I certainly have. Do you want to play around?"
"God! You mean you also have golf clubs on that boat?" replied the man.


BASEBALL

IRISHMAN VISITING THE U.S.

An Irishman is visiting his brother in the United States. Since the Irishman had never seen a major league baseball game, his brother decides to take him to see the Boston Red Sox play. They are in the stadium and the first Red Sox batter comes to the plate. He hits the ball into the outfield and takes off running down the white line towards first base. The fans yell, "Run, man, run!"
The Irishman watches in amazement as the drama unfolds and the first hitter reaches the base. Then the next batter comes to the plate and he also hits the ball into the outfield and starts running down the white line towards first base. The fans scream again,"Run, man, run" until the second batter safely arrives at first base. The third batter comes into the batter's box and this time he takes four pitches for balls and starts to walk slowly towards first base.
The Irishman looks at his brother and asks why no one is yelling for him to run. The brother replies by telling him that he gets to walk because he has four balls. The Irishman thinks he realizes what is happening and starts yelling, "Walk with pride!"






WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1300.01 GENERAL

Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS

Yellow Bellied Sidewinder: 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor: 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator: 4
Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only): 3
Big-mouthed Pub Gut: 2
Honest Attorney: EXTINCT
Cut-throat: 2
Back-stabbing Whiner: 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser: 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender: $100 BOUNTY
Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian: 7

Lawyer, Doctor and the Clergyman

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.


My Daddy Is

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


The Lovely Lawyer

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


Aging Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"


Lawyer Riddles

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: Excuse me, I don´t understand the point of the question.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.


Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A: Deep down their good.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
A: They get so much practice screwing people.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.

Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other misc. profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.


One or Two Liners

Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? . . . He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields Attorneys At Law
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator . . . It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman walking towards them.
The first lawyer says, "See that woman? Boy would I love to screw her."
The second lawyer says, "Out of what?"





Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings ofbaked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


Definitely

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."


New Yorker

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid fuck!"



CIA Test

Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."





Why would anyone want to get married?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."





Mr. Peanut never talked

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,

"Wow! You look GREAT tonight!"

The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!

"That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!"

He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?"

And the man replies, "Good things, why?"

And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."


People say the funniest things when they're drunk

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have any money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too"

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.

The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white ass!"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"


Oedipus at the bar and home

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court."

The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little mad."

"Such as?" asks the patron.

"Do you ever go down on her?"

The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!"

"I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."

"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"

Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed.

The response in incredible!

Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.

"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says "but be quick! I've got an emergency!"

"Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"




Slapstick comedy

This white guy walks into a bar and he starts talking with a black guy who is sitting next to him. After a couple of beers they decide to go take a pee together. As they are in the men's room, the white guy glances at the black's dick.

"Gee, I really wish I had a dick like that," says the white guy.

"Well", says the black, "all you have to do is hit your penis on the bath tab for ten minutes every morning, and you'll get it."

The other guy thanks him for his advice and walks out of the bar.

Some months later they meet again in the same bar, and they start talking.

"Well", says the black man, "did you take the advice?"

"I did," says the other guy.

"So, let me see."

The white guy lowers his pants and shows him his penis.

"Ha!" says the black guy, "at least you made the color like mine!!" (nikos GR)


The parrot retires in Tahiti

A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."


I know just how that dog feels

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."


Variety act

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."


Frankly, I don't know anyone who wishes they were white

An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards.

The dumbfounded bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?!"

The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey eat pussy and shoot the shit."


Why didn't he just turn on the light?

This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get out of here!" says the bartender.

"I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk.

"I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.

"I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.

"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "alright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!"

The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.

"What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender.

"I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk.

"Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!"

Nuts

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.

"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary."



We're colonized by wankers

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."


Ribbed or lubricated?

A guy walks into a bar and tells everyone there "Give me all your money, watches, jewelry and anything else of value or I will inject you with the AIDS virus." Then he produces a syringe. One by one everyone hands over all their stuff except one man at the end of the bar.

"I told you to hand over all your stuff or I'll inject you with the AIDS virus."

The man at the bar said "Go ahead, I'm wearing a condom."


Mind over what matters

Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd."

He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.

"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.

Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like that."


Now why wouldn't a woman do the same?

4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do?

They turn it over.



This is by no means an endorsement on the term 'fag'

This fag walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says "We don't serve your kind in here. Get the hell out."

The fag says "It's hotter than hell outside and I could really use a cold beer. I'll just sit over in the corner and not bother anyone if you'll just get me one beer."

The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve your kind in here so get the hell out now."

The fag says "How bout if I take a drink out of this spitoon will you give me a drink?"

"NO, get out before I call the cops." says the bartender.

The fag picks up the spitoon and starts drinking out of it. "That's disgusting put that shit down and get the hell out of here!" the bartender says.

The fag keeps on drinking.

"STOP!!" yells the bartender. "You're grossing out my customers!"

The fag still keeps on drinking.

"FINE, FINE!! Here's your fucking beer, just put that shit down!"

The fag is still drinking.

Finally the fag puts the spitoon down. The bartender says "Why in the hell did you keep drinking out of that spitoon? I gave you you're damn beer."

The fag replies "I couldn't stop, it was all one wad!"



I thought the whiskey would help too

This cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and the cowboy downs it in one gulp. Immediately he rushes back out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.

He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and once again the cowboy downs it in one gulp then rushes out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.

He goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. By this time there are a number of other patrons looking at him with a fair bit of interest. The bartender decides he'd better ask what's going on before the cowboy gets too drunk to answer.

"So, Cowboy, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your horse on the bum?"

The Cowboy (in his best drawl) replies "Chapped lips."

The bartender says with some surprise "Oh, does that cure them?"

The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure stops me lickin' 'em".



Animal Quackers

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"



Is it just me, or should they put a sign up telling patrons to watch out for these things?

A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I didn't see it either."



Twah?

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .



Maybe he was blind, but then that's not very funny is it?

A guy walks into a bar, right? Which is really kind of stupid, cause you'd think that he would have seen it first.



I'd just like to say: I really hate that Lord of the Dance guy

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun is ugly!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't." says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBLT."



Bathrooms: Society needs them

A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?"



That's one classy bar

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."



Someone will have to explain this to me later. Much later.

A man, a duck, and OJ walk into a bar.

A person in the bar says, "Oh, look, a man," and everyone in the bar says some prayer.

The next person in the bar says "Duck," and everyone in the bar ducks.

Finally, a third man says, "Oh, looky there. A killer in a black suit."

OJ says to the man, "Only on weekends."



These are so quick, you don't have time to laugh

A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling.

A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere."



He should stick to email

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."



No explanation required

A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?"

The fish croaks "water."



It's funnier if you think horses can speak

A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: "Hey, we have a whiskey here named after you!"

The horse then says: "What? 'Eric?'"



Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer® wiener

Two homeless guys pull all there money together and they still don't have enough to buy a drink. Homeless #1 says "Lets go buy a hot dog."

Homeless #2 says "How is that going to get us something to drink?"

Homeless #1 says "Well we buy the hot dog, throw away the bun, I'll take the dog and put it down my pants, we go to a bar, order some drinks, drink them fast and when the bartender askes for the money, I'll pull down my zipper, you drop to your knees and act like your blowing me, and then the bartender will throw us out for being faggots."

Homeless #2 thinks about it and said OK. The two go to a bar, order 2 double Jack and cokes and gulp them down real fast. When the bartender says that will be $10.50, homeless #1 unzips his pants and pulls out the hot dog and homeless #2 drops to his knees and starts sucking on it. The bartender jumps over the bar and kicks the two of them out.

The two were happy about this and decided to go to other bars. Well, they hit 9 bars and finally Homeless #2 says "Man we're going to have to change or do something else because my knees are hurting from jumping down all the time."

Homeless #1 says "Well you think that bad, I lost the hot dog after the 3rd bar."



Riki Tiki Tavi gets a man

A guy walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder, puts it on the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the ferret and says, "Hey buddy, what's with the ferret?"

The guy says "I tell ya what pal, this ferret gives the best blowjob on the planet…'

The bartender looks at him and says "Get the fuck outta here and take your rat with you!"

The guy says "take the ferret in the back and if your not satisfied, I'm outta here…"

Ten minutes later the bartender comes out of the back room with the ferret, drops it on the bar and says "DAMN, that was the best blowjob I've ever had, I'll give you $500 for it."

The guy goes "Sorry pal, it's not for sale."

The bartender says "I'll go as high as $2000."

"SOLD", the guy yells, and walks out of the bar.

The bartender quickly closes up, grabs the ferret and heads home. When he opens the door to his house, his wife is standing in the kitchen, she says "what the hell is that?"

He passes the ferret to his wife and says "Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!"



This is why we have to check for IDs

A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave.

Barman says "you can't leave that lying there."

Man says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe."


Can I borrow a feeling?

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."


And this is why we have bathrooms, people

This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."

The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."

"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!"

The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"

The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"


Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.

"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.

"Sure.", says the bartender.

As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the Q-ball.

"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.

"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my Q-ball."

"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the Q-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"

The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the Q-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?"

"He isn't going to eat the Q-ball is he?", asked the bartender.

"No he's over that.", explained the guy.

Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.

"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.

The guy comes out of the bathroom.

"Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act.

"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the Q-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits."


It's sooooooo true

This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.

The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.

The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?"

The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full"

The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons.

The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.

The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke....... and some folks can't"


Jockeying for a position

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'