Scared

Why am I so scared to see you?
	so frightened by the sight of you?
I feel that even just a glance from
				you
Can tear down this wall I’ve been trying to build
	This fortress I try to confide in,
			reside in
		           to hide in

I'm scared that
	your slightest stare
can crack these dams I've created
	to hold back the tears, the leaks
I've let run for too damn long already
	watching my lonely still waters
				run dry.

I'm scared that
	your eyes can break mine
		my windows to an empty soul
	and that if they do break...
		and my being escapes...
Would it feel welcomed inside your arms again??
	..brushed aside like a weary bug
		in search for a ride?
..or will it jus be simply ignored
	left to drift aimlessly...
trying to find my way home.
Yet…

I have no home..

	Nowhere to run to...
	Nowhere to hide...
	Nowhere to safely sleep in the night...

It's hard at times to realize that
	my blind eyes hold no truth...that
a straight face can hold back my laughter
	a simple laugh can mask my pain...
or sometimes...
a straight face can save you tears...that
a simple laugh can mask my cries for help
			for acceptance
		for love
	for you.

a simple outstretched heart
	hoping for the slightest touch...

Being brushed aside for me doesn’t hurt as much...
	just the fall down to the floor
where no one is looking
		where they step.

Sometimes...I just feel so lonely that
			ill don’t mind getting stepped on...
At least maybe they’ll realize
		that I’m there
	that at least I exist.
It hurts more to be ignored
	not even worth their time,
		not even worth a second look,
	let alone the first one.

I watch as they leave their footprints on
    my heart..
pave their way, roadways across it
    leaving their marks from today,
and yesterday...

Yeah, sometimes ill pick at things,
	open up closed wounds
		like a scarred window to the past,
	and watch it bleed out
whatever memories it cries.
...and yes
	I know that if I keep on picking
that it will never heal...
	maybe I don’t want it to...
MAYBE i'm just secretly hoping that
	if I pick hard enough,
		my heart will come out
MAYBE then I'll be able to see what it really feels...
MAYBE then I’ll be able to feel what it really sees
	what makes it beat
	what keeps it alive
	what keeps it pumping...
		just how it really fuckin works

MAYBE for once, I just want to see if my heart really is
				still beating...
MAYBE...just maybe...
	I just want to see
		how it feels,
			to have a heart to hold again...

Or maybe...I’m just hoping to see you still there
	in the heart I so openly gave to you...

The you whose soft touch wouldn’t ever harm this fragile heart
	whose breath could bring me back to this living world
	whose lips that'd never leave mine dry
	whose angelic voice would drive me off to dreamland
			     would sing the stars to me
			     would never say...
		what you said...
	whose eyes could see right through me…
		this mask…
		this fortress…
		these dams..
		these walls...
			and ease my soul again...

So now you wonder…

Why am I so scared to see you?
	so frightened by the sight of you?
Because I'm scared 
	that your stare
		is the only thing
	from you
I’ll have left to feel...