Posted 06-18-99

Working on Friday

Here is a topic that I'm sure everyone can agree on. There is never a time in our life that seems to go by slower than when  you are waiting for Friday to be over. And it's not just the fact that you are impatient, everyone is. Of all the days of the week Friday is the day that the least work is done. Fewer people call, less projects are given out, everyone keeps busy wrapping things up so that they can start all over again on Monday. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's just the company I work for.

I think that it would be better for most companies to adopt a flexible hour policy (especially for companies that don't deal with the public). What difference does it make when you come to work? If you like to work early mornings...then fine, come in early. If you are a late night person, then great, come in late. As long as you get your 40 hours a week in, then I don't see what the problem is. Now I can understand it if you have team projects where people have to work together on something you will need to have some sort of hourly coordination. But, when the work you do rests solely upon your own progress then I say we should be able to make our own hours. Some would argue that people would take advantage of it and just come in and work 2-20 hour days. And I say what's wrong with that? Some people work better under those kinds of conditions. One well known convenience store works their employees like that at least once a week. So what is the difference?
All in all I just think that it is a tremendous waste of time to be sitting at work with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs, just because it is a tradition for companies to have a 40 hour work week.
And that's my opinion.

Posted 06-19-99

Men, toys and irony
I just had to spend approx 30 minutes listening to someone (a guy) rant about how computers are ruining todays youth. Now granted I am neither a teenager nor am I a square eye, but I can honestly say that I have a good case of the computer junky syndrom. And for me to sit there and have to listen to someone slam people who spend a fair amount of time on computers, WHILE SITTING IN FRONT OF A $3,000 LAPTOP, strikes me as a little ironic. I think that the word hypocite can be used here... But thats just me talking. I usually find that people who know nothing about computers are completly indifferent to the effects that computers have on people (children included) and this disturbs me somewhat. But when you get someone who knows a little bit about them, then they are GRAND HACKERS indeed. There is nothing that you can tell them that they do not already know. So basically all you can do is tolerate them in good grace and wait for them to change the subject. And when it gets to be a little too much for you to handle, then you can just make fun of them on the internet. Isn't irony fun???

Posted 06-23-99

Americas Favorite Pastime

Just in case you were wondering, this isn't a message about baseball. Today I came upon the realization that there is a common trend in the employees of corporate America. It seems that people enjoy nothing more that bitching about their jobs. The topics may vary, but they all connect to something that irritates them at work. I think that it must be popular nowdays to hate your job, your boss or your coworkers. I found that when I told people that I liked my job, eyes would roll and smirks would appear. I became part of a minority. A special group of people...the "I Like My Job, So I Must Be Really Wierd Social Club." I dont mind being in this group. In fact I kind of enjoy it. Complaining only seems to make things worse, not better. Sure I have bad days at work, but I have good days too. But to listen to some people they have nothing but days straight from hell itself.
Now granted some people seem to have a streak of bad luck that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and for them I feel sorry for. But that is a small percentage of people that you hear complaining.  But I dont mind. I have actually found that it can be a good thing to listen to people rant about how miserable their jobs are. It makes mine seem that much better. I think that companies should start promoting the use of bad humor and gossip. It might actually boost employee morale. You sit there and listen to everyones whining and automatically you start to feel better about your job. Bonus points! Managers could even give out gold stars to the people who can bitch the best. They could even base your raises on how good you are at it. Now thats what I call a company perk...

Posted 06-28-99

Monday Morning Karma

It seems funny, but I have a theory concerning the run of bad luck that I always seem to have on Monday mornings. Somewhere in Karma Heaven the main operators are having a hard time keeping Karma deliverers employed. Maybe its because they dont pay enough, or maybe its because they dont provide a well provisioned medical health plan. But, for whatever reason keeping the position filled is very difficult for the Karma Heaven management, so therefore come Monday morning there is no one to work the job. They just get someone in and get them all trained and then BOOM the weekend comes along, the new employee parties too hard and gets a nasty hangover and decides that the job just isnt worth it and doesnt come in. The there you have the poor Karma Delivery Management standing around wondering what to do, because god knows, being management, they have no clue as to how to do the job themselves. So they find the lowliest little peon within the company, probably the janitor, and tell him that he needs to fill in until they can hire someone new. Needless to say the poor janitor does the best job he can, but it is Monday morning, and never was a day more busy with requests for some good Karma. Be it that the toast doesnt burn or to just supply green lights at all of the way to work so that you are not late. So he does his best.
But that of course leaves me, a person who has a fairly amount of good luck from Tuesday through Sunday, shit out of luck come Monday, because I've used my good luck reserves all up. So there are, basically, certain things that I can always expect on Mondays.
1.I will almost alway wake up late, if I do not wake up late, something will happen unexpectedly that will make me late.
2.When it comes time to take a shower there will either be no hot water or no water pressure. Of course these events will wait until I have my hair all filled with shampoo to happen.
3.If I am in a rush one of two things will happen. If I need to shave my legs and I skip it because Im in a hurry then my only pair of nylons will have a big tear in them. If I do go ahead and shave them, then I will not only be late but I will also slit a major artery in my legs and bleed for half of the day.
4.I will never be able to find the shoes that I want to wear with a certain outfit. But I can guarantee that as soon as I change and run for the door I will trip over them and hurt myself badly.
5.When finally leaving the building the elevator will always be either broke or will stop at every single floor.
6.Torrential downpours will always wait until I step out the door to fall.
7.There will always be only four inches between my car and the car parked next to mine so that I have to rub up against a dirty passenger side door to get into my car.
8.Traffic will always be backed up. There will never be not reason for this, it will just happen.
9.When I finally get to work the only parking spot that will be available will be four blocks away in front of a fire hydrant.
And the last one,
10. Right when you walk into the front door of work the person who will always be standing right there to catch you is: YOUR BOSS.

So all I can say is don't spend all of your good luck in one place, because you never know, there may be some Monday morning when you need it.

POSTED 09-20-99

What is it with radio stations today? Why do they all have to play the same twenty songs? What's the deal with that? I live in a town of over 2.5 million people and we have five top-forty stations. Do we need this? They went and took the ONLY alternative station that played in this town, one that was even rated as one of the top ten radio stations in the nation by Rolling Stone magazine, and changed it's format. We now have one more station that plays only InSync, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears and every other loser pop band that makes a lackluster generic teenager angst song. Now granted, I listen to every kind of music thats out there: pop, rock, alternative, country, classical and new age. But when will radio stations realize that variety is the spice of life. Where is the NIN, Tori Amos and Lid? On the internet I guess. That's the only place that I can listen now. It just makes me sick. I've resorted to howling in rage every time I have to listen to the radio in my car. Ten years from now when you turn the radio on they will only be playing two songs over and over and over and over............it's a sad day when cookie cutter bands win air space over bands that acually have talent and creativity.

POSTED 10-11-99

Wonders of all wonders, I saw a really good movie this weekend. And I wanted to say that I was very impressed. The movie was American Beauty starring Kevin Spacey and Annette Benning. This movie just amazed me. It had a very realistic look at how some people in our miserable society exist today. Of course there were some things that were over the top (come on it WAS a movie) but I think that all in all it really struck the nail on the head. I see so many people that are basically miserable...constantly. They're in a dead end job, a dead end relationship, they've basically lost their individuality. And the sad thing is, I don't think that they even realize it. It's like they've cocooned themselves in cotton. They don't see, feel, or think. They don't do anything. All they do is work, watch tv and sleep. They take no real joy in anything. And whats sad about it all is that they don't realize it until it's too late to do anything about it. Now I'm not talking about your stereotypical 40 year old man who goes out and has affairs with 18 year old or buys fancy sports cars, but I think that it may be a result of this. Unfortunately in this society of ours, it makes it easy to become a drone. It's easy to just come home and switch on the tv, eat your dinner and go to bed. It's harder to come home, change your clothes and actually do something with your life. It take energy and willpower. Something that I think far too many people don't take advantage of. Sure it's hard work, but I think that it makes us better people in the long run. It gives your mind something fun to do (you actually use it for a change), gives you something to talk about, makes you interesting. How many women are out there who would chop appendages off to have a guy take them out dancing for a change? Would you rather hear, "hey why don't we go down to that neat local bar and cut some rug to that good swing band they have playing?" or "hey lets just stay home and watch Seinfield reruns?" Women, go out and learn something, find something interesting to talk about other than fashion, hair and pop music. Men find something that you can do WITH your significant other that is fun. It doesn't have to be cave spelunking, but God do something with that life. Find your creative outlets. Quit rotting at home, turning into a vegetable. Live your life, because, Jesus, you only get one...

POSTED 12-3-99
Being that the holiday season is almost upon us. I thought that I would share with you one of my most guarded of conspiracy theories. This deadly weapon is the closest kept secret in the retail industry today, and I feel that the American people should know about it. It affects not only our wallets and our peace of mind, but even our basic understanding of our fears and motivations.

Now I know that terror has struck you to the marrow, but fear not, I will help you. This secret of mine deals with an evil ability of one of the most popular of lingerie stores: Victoria's Secret (trust me, they don't call it that for nothing). The basic principle of this store is simple-supply the public with pretty and lacy underclothes in perfumed, convenient locations across America. But, underneath this innocent seeming facade lurks danger. The reason for this danger is contained within the room directly located behind the dressing rooms. Now let me play out a scenario for you to better demonstrate how this weapon works against unknowing shoppers.

First you walk by one of these seemingly innocent stores. You're probably in a mall. You're hot, rumpled and tired of spending too much money on presents for people you don't even like that much. You're self esteem is low and your hungry and thirsty.....your weakest moment. You gaze ahead in a stuporous zombie-like gaze as you lurch along heading towards JC Pennies to get your mother-in-law one of those overpriced art deco toasters that she can't live without. Then a gleam catches your eye. You look to the side and wonders of wonders you see a site that draws your being in like a hook in a fish's mouth. (Now here is where it gets complicated. There's two different reactions to this sight. These reactions deal mainly with what gender you are, now I'm stereotyping I realize, so you'll have to forgive me if I step on anyones toes) The sight that confronts your tired eyes is beauteous to behold. Slim, beautiful and buxom angels smile at you as they sassily toss their curled locks in your direction. They are wearing lace, satin, silk and feathers that tightly embrace the embodiment of womanliness. You cannot resist, you are drawn to that door as if you have no choice. You must enter!

Now here is the only chance you have of breaking their spell. You have approximately four to ten feet of space to remember: a)you have to get that stupid $70 toaster for good ol mom, b)it's getting late and you
have to go home and make dinner, or c)there's not a chance in hell that anything in that store is going to make you (or your significant other) look like those models. Then and only then can you flee to safety with your wallet and sanity intact. If this does not happen, prepare to be assaulted and ravished.

When you first enter the store you are immediately surrounded by a powerful scent. This is actually an intoxicant made especially to weaken your defenses. Racks and tables of seductive apparel encase you like a tomb. All you can see is a swirl of colors, red, pink, blue, green-a rainbow of hypnotic optical pleasure. and this is when they start their attack. For in that secret little room in the back of the store they have a team of top secret, highly specialized telepaths. They immediately seize upon your most private of fantasies and bend you to their devious will: to buy, buy and buy. Most people succumb. They cannot resist. The voices in their heads is too convincing. They grab demi bras and g-string panties like kids in a candy store. Then they will carry their fragrant load to the cash register where they sign over all monetary claims with a flick of a credit card. In the end you're broke, tired, hungry, thirsty, out of time and you still have to go get that stupid toaster. Wandering down that tragic walkway carrying a cute, pink striped, little bag.

I know that this is a sad story and a frightening one too. But how else can it be explained? Why, in God's green earth, would anyone in their right mind pay $20 for a pair of underwear? Granted they are silky and sparkly and in your most favorite of lavender colors, BUT, they'll still ride up your butt, squeeze you in half and fall apart in the washing machine the first time you launder them. I know, I've been there before. I have let myself be coerced into buying those dainty little underthings and trust me, me and my money is not easily parted. But I have learned. I have become stronger with the knowing. And that is why I am sharing with you this most darkest of secrets. I will continue to carry on the legacy and will willingly show my scars (my credit card bill) so that you, my friends can learn to hold your ground and triumph over the evil legacy of Victoria's Secret. So be strong and resist, you'll be happier with that 3 for $3 pack of underwear that you can get at Wal-Mart. And we will too.

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