CAT JOKES

Cat behavior
Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage his in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good too!
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening.He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with a lot of disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind.
When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on.
After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
IN TWENTY EASY STEPS

Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.
Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

An elderly lady is sitting in her rocking chair on her porch enjoying her golden years, when her fairy godmother magically appears and promises to grant her two most heartfelt wishes. "Well," the lady
says, "first I would like to be 25 again." And **POOF** she is transformed into a beautiful young woman. Just then her tabby cat walks by. The lady thinks for a moment, looks at the cat, looks at her fairy godmother and says, "Could you change him into a handsome young man?" And, **POOF** her cat is changed into a handsome young man. The two smile at each other. He walks slowly across the porch, bends down, picks her up in his strong arms and whispers in her ear:
"Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

The Good Cat

Once there was a really good cat who died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates St. Peter met him and told him that because he had been a good cat on Earth he could have anything he wanted.
The cat had always wanted a big fluffy pillow like the one her master had on Earth so that was her request.
A few days later 4 really good mice died and went to heaven. Once again, St. Peter met them at the pearly gates and told them they could have anything they wanted for being so good.
They had seen children roller skating on Earth and thought that sounded like fun so they requested roller skates.
A few days later St. Peter decides to go check on the cat and make sure all is well with her. When he arrives at her pillow he asks her, "Is the pillow the right type? Are you comfortable? Do you need anything else?"
To which the cat replied, " The pillow is wonderful and those meals on wheels are terrific!"