Bad Medicine?
A Ranma Crossover/Spamfic
By: Bob Lobster

Note: There's a fair amount of swearing in this. You've been warned.

Disclaimer: Who the fuck would sue me over something stupid like this?

    Soun Tendo was an upstanding and generally well-respected citizen
in his local community. He was considered by many to be the epitome of
what one would consider a good neighbor. Kind, generous and willing to
do almost anything to help his fellow man, many looked up to him as a
solid front against the storm of chaos that was the everyday life of a
native Neriminian. Naturally, however, no one is perfect, everyone has
their faults, their weak points, and Soun was no different. Most
people who knew him at all knew not to mention certain things in his
presence unless you wished to witness the sad sight of such a proud
man breaking. These subjects mainly consisted of his late wife and his
daughters, including danger to or the impending marriages of said
daughters. These subjects tended to draw extreme physical and mental
reactions from an otherwise calm and collected individual and so were
steadfastly avoided whenever possible.

    It wasn't always possible, however, to avoid such topics,
especially since the possible marriage of one of his children, his
youngest daughter, was such a topic of interest in the town. Said
situation, and the girl's reluctant fiancee, was afterall the cause of
a good portion of the chaos that plagued the poor citizens of the
town, dropping land values and raising the prices of psychiatric
therapy for all involved. The fact that the situation was so difficult
to avoid talking about was the main reason why Soun's reputation had
taken something of a downward slide in the past couple years. This, in
turn, was the reason for his two youngest daughters and the afore
mentioned fiancee to be at the clinic of one Dr Ono Tofu requesting
something that may calm the man's rampant emotions. The good doctor
was, at first, reluctant to give him any sort of medication but seeing
the way he was unable to truly function while in such a state, Tofu
broke down and headed for his locked cupboards.

    "Okay, I'll give you something that may help." He opened the
cupboard, pulling out a small, sealed package with a set of
instructions written on the side. Handing it over to Nabiki, the elder
of the two girls, he gave a brief warning before letting them take it.
"Give this to your father, but make sure he follows the instructions
written on the outside. Don't let him take more than in recommended,
alright."

    "Thanks, doctor." Nabiki replied, holding the package carefully
and glancing at the sheet attached to the side. Her eyes widened
slightly at seeing what the medicine was and she looked up at the
doctor in askance. "Are you sure this will help?"

    "As long as he only takes what's recommended, it should calm his
nerves without causing any other problems." Tofu answered, ushering
them out of his office so he could deal with his other patients.

    "Don't worry, doctor, I'll make sure he follows the instructions
to the letter." Nabiki assured him before thanking him profusely, an
action mirrored by both of the people with her. They left him then to
head home, each hoping this new treatment would help the slightly
unstable head of the Tendo home.

*********************************************************************

    Three weeks later
    Gate to Furinkan High School

    Two figures were leaning against the outside wall of the school.
One of them was a fairly tall man, easily in his early forties, with a
mustache. He wore a bright yellow coat, black shirt and pants, a black
tuque and had his long black hair hanging loosely down his back. The
other figure wasn't, in fact, a man at all but a large panda, though
strangely enough he was wearing a long, dark trench coat which barely
covered his bulbous body, and had on a white baseball cap, turned
backwards. Out of one corner of his mouth hung a cigarette and his
huge paws were stuffed in his jacket pockets. There was a stereo
between the two, pounding out loud music and the both of them were
moving their heads in tune as they watched as the arriving kids gave
them a wide berth.

    A couple of nervous kids walked up to the pair, watching to make
sure that there were no authorities around and spoke up in fairly
hushed voices.

    "Yo, we'll get a nickel bag." The taller of the two kids said,
glancing around once more before focussing in on the man in the yellow
jacket. He looked down at the two for a moment before answering.

    "Fifteen bucks, little man." He says, and waits for the kid to
hand the cash over to him. He then turns towards the panda, who had
merely been leaning against the wall, smoking calmly. "Yo, tubby,
gimme the mother-fucking shit, man."

    The panda casually reached into his coat, ignoring the man's
barbs, and pulled out a small bag that he handed to the kid that had
paid them before going back to smoking calmly. The man turned back to
the kids and addressed them once more. "Just ignore the fuckin' Tubbo
over here, he don't say too much."

    The two kids gave him a look as the panda sent a glare his way,
before questioning them a bit. "Who are you guys. We haven't seen you
dealin' in this area before."

    The man looked them over a bit before answering the question in
the same loud, excited voice he'd said everything else. "My name's
Soun and this is my heterosexual lifemate, Silent Genma." The Panda
just nodded to them as it fully focussed on the pair. The smallest of
the pair looked a little confused for a moment before he spoke up.

    "Hey, aren't you Akane's dad." Soun was about to answer when
another voice rang out.

    "Damnit, how many times do I have to tell you delinquents not to
deal in front of the school?" They all turned to see a tall woman in a
very tight, yellow dress standing before them, glaring at the man and
the panda. The two kids make themselves scarce, as the two move off
the wall to stare at the woman before them. As expected, it's Soun
that speaks for them.

    "Yo, bitch, we're gonna stick around here as long as your fine ass
is here. Though if you really want us to leave, I know a way you could
tempt us." He elbowed the panda next to him lightly as he grinned
lecherously at her. The panda merely smiled, as well as a panda can,
and nodded appreciatively. The woman is about to answer, but Soun
starts again, interupting her. "Don't worry none, though, we'll take
good care of you. We'll fuck you real good, so hard you won't know
where you goin'. With a unnnnn, and an ahhhhhhhh, and a sluuuurp."

    As Soun began making suggestive noises and rude gestures, the
woman got angrier and angrier. She even began turning an impressive
shade of purple as he put two of his fingers together in the shape of
a vertical slight and began licking it in an obscene fashion. She was
about to begin shouting at him when he once again started talking. "If
yer gonna take us both on, I get to go first, cause I ain't into
sloppy seconds." He glanced over at Silent Genma, who merely shrugged
and nodded his accent, before looking back at the woman who finally
blew her top.

    "Nobody will be fucking me!!" She yelled at the top of her lungs,
causing the entire school population to turn towards her and her face
to go very red in embarrassment at the situation. Soun and Silent
Genma merely blinked at her for a moment before Soun spoke up once
more.

    "Not with that attitude they won't. You need to chill, bitch, if
you want a piece of my meat." Now mortified at her outburst and the
attention it drew to her, having the entire school watching the
confrontation, the woman broke out in tears and ran towards the school
in shame. In the background, people were heard muttering about their
heroes being able to make the psycho teacher back off of them and
other things of a similar nature. Soun just shouted out after her.
"So, like, call me!" Before turning back to Silent Genma and
commenting, "Fuckin' bitch don't know what she's missing. Let's blow
this joint and get us some fuckin' pussy."

    Genma nodded and reached down to pick up the stereo at their feet,
and the two of the wandered off in search of entertainment of the
adult variety. As they wandered off in the distance, Soun could be
heard saying, "I hear there's a QuickStop opened up near here, let's
hang there, noinch."

    In the background, three people, the three which were at the
doctor's earlier, watch them go before looking at each other for a few
moments. Then the man in the group speaks up. "You know, Nabiki, maybe
medicinal marijuana wasn't the best idea for your pop."

    Nabiki just stares at him incredulously for a second before
answering in an exasperated tone. "Shut up, Ranma. Just shut the fuck
up."

*********************************************************************

To be continued?

Probably Not.......

Author's note: I know what you're thinking. What the fuck. Well,
luckily for you, I was thinking that too.^_^ This popped up once a
long time ago in a discussion on delphi and it had been somewhat
running around in my head ever since. I finally got sick of thinking
about it and decided to write it down, just to get it out of there.
Obviously it's a spamfic, and I have no real intention of ever
continuing it. Although, if I'm really desperate for something to
write, I may make another spam fic for it, perhaps one of the movies
or something. Who knows? Anyway, tell me what ya think, C&C is always
cool, just keep in mind, this definitely wasn't meant to be serious.
Bob Lobster
ranikkoku@hotmail.com
www.geocities.com/ranikkoku