WEARING OF THE GREEN
by: SectorGeneral
Disclaimers: Henson & co. owns them, I just use them for cat toys.
Summary: Just another day in the Uncharteds
Spoilers: The first Season.
Special thanks to NightOwl for reminding me of John Belushi, and SCIFIDCD, ceallaig,
D-Eclipse, BethS, xanthfrog, goulagirl, Zhingos, AonScail, and stowaway for encouraging
me to finish this. If you are unhappy with the story, yell at them. It's all their fault.
feedback: Darn right I want to hear especially if you like it. [email protected]
_________________________________________________________________
Before we begin the story I would like to apologize in advance for the some of the
language and terms used by some of the characters. I will say in my defense that the story
is written the way that it was told to me by Crichton himself (of course, he was in the
middle of another drinking contest with D'Argo at the time so maybe his memory was less
than reliable). No matter. On with the story.
John started to sit up in bed but his hangover laid him out again.
"When am I going to learn that I cannot go one-on-one with D'Argo and Crais? What I
really need is to find a beach somewhere and catch some waves.'
This started him thinking about what sort of suit Aeryn would wear, which cheered him
up. The thought of Aeryn on a beach, in a skimpy bikini, during spring break with a pulse
rifle in her hands made him start to giggle.
"Bet the first guy that tried to hit on her would find out what getting hit on really means."
He dressed and headed for the galley.
He could hear Zhaan and D'argo's voices but he could not make out the words.
"Good. No shouts to pilot about marauders or locations of strange objects, just breakfast
chit-chat."
He entered while D'Argo was speaking.
"And I say we cycle the fart king out the nearest airlock. I am sick and tired of waking up
in the middle of the night and finding that troll going through my things."
Chiana turned to Crais and asked, "Well, what about you? You haven't said anything one
way or the other."
Crais gave her a bemused look.
"That's because I don't have that particular problem. He doesn't go through my things
because he knows the only things I have are the ones I am wearing."
Chiana looked surprised. "You didn't pack a bag or something? Not even some
jammies?"
Crais' hangover, if anything, was worse then John's so he really didn't feel like answering
any questions. "Look kiddo, tall, dark and ugly didn't catch on that I was bugging out so I
wasn't about to queer the deal by hauling Samsonite into the transport. Even HE would
buy a clue at that point."
John decided to make his presence known.
"Hi guys. Is this the latest installment of 'Let's dump the Toad' or has he done something
new?"
Before anyone could answer, Aeryn's voice came over the com.
"Head's up people, we've got incoming!"
John mumbled, "Why am I not surprised?"
Everyone immediately headed for the command center.
Zhaan went to the viewers and put up the image of unknown object. They were rather
surprised to see that it looked like something a designer would create after being on the
wrong end of a three day binge. What wasn't bent was twisted, flattened, expanded or
simply hacked off with a very dull blade.
John broke the silence. "O.K. I'll bite. Is it really that ugly or am I just THAT
hungover?"
Everyone replied, "BOTH!"
Pilot's face appeared in his clamshell viewer. "Attention everyone. Incoming
communication, audio only."
A light tenor voice started speaking. "Greetings unknown beings. We come in peace.
We have a medical problem and are searching for a cure. May we come aboard your
vessel and discuss the situation?"
Zhaan's concern for her fellow beings overrode her need for safety (as usual).
"Of course you may. Our docking bay is now open."
As she signed off, D'Argo asked, "Zhaan, you do understand the concept of a majority
vote don't you? That means we ask everyone for their opinion first, then we blast them.
It's very democratic."
Zhaan gave him a stern look. "It is my sacred duty to the Goddess to offer whatever
assistance I can whenever and wherever it is needed."
Crais leaned over to Chiana and whispered, "Does she always get this huffy about sick
people?"
"Every single time!" hissed Chiana.
They watched as a small pod left the mother ship and made it's way to Moya. As it was
docking they got their weapons and lined up just inside the hanger door.
The small ship landed in front of the group and opened it's hatch. As the aliens left their
craft John started to snicker. They were basically built like everyone else (except Rygel)
but they were only knee-high to D'Argo. Every piece of the their clothing was various
shades of green with an occasional touch of brown for belts and boots.
John started to laugh so hard he had to brace himself up against a wall.
"They're Leprechauns! What's next, Hobbits?"
John started a slow slide down the wall.
The leader pointed at John and asked Zhaan, "Is he drunk?"
Zhaan gave a concerned look to John then faced the leader. "No, he's quite sober."
The leader looked at John again. "Do you want him drunk?'
D'Argo growled, "We tried that. It didn't help."
Before the conversation got too far afield Zhaan interrupted, "You said that there was a
medical problem. Would you please explain what it is?"
The leader bowed and began to recite in a sing-song voice.
"We have traveled these many cycles in search of the beauteous land of ancient legend
when lo, we were sorely assaulted by a vicious attack on our grand and glorious fearless
leader, he who must be obeyed, who rules with greatness and wisdom, he whose
brilliance is...." He turned to his lieutenant and had a whispered conversation, then started
again. "Whose brilliance is beyond compare and"
Chiana interrupted. "Just cut to the chase shorty. We haven't got all day."
He looked startled for a moment then assumed a more relaxed pose.
"It's like this. We were buzzing along when, somehow, this tiny chick with wings popped
in. Cute little thing and real friendly too. She made the mistake of hitting on the boss
when he was a few too many to the good. Now, when he's in his cups he's not exactly
right in the head. Anyway, he thought she was just one of his normal visions. That is, in
a little bit she would turn into something like frog-boy there then disappear. So he
smacked her on the rump and told her to hit the bricks."
Rygel hurrumphed in his chair and tried to sit up very tall. (It didn't help.)
"She got kinda hacked off, pulls out this stick thingy and whomps the boss. Next thing
we know, he's laid out but good and she's fixin' to take off. We managed to ask her how
we were supposed to get Fred back on his pins before she pops out. Cutting out all the
party-of-the-first-part stuff she said that we needed to get a big-busted broad to lay a wet
one on the big guy. From where I'm standing, Blue, you win the banana."
He looked at Aeryn and Chiana. "Nothing personal you two, but the chick said
spectacular and Blue's got 'em."
Zhaan looked stunned. "Me?! What do you expect me to do?"
The leader started smiling as he and his crew pulled out their weapons. "It's easy. You
just put a liplock on the boss til he feels like dancing again. Shouldn't take more than 2,
maybe 3 hours at the most. And we ain't taking no for an answer."
By this time John's hysterics had slowed to a bad case to the giggles. "Hold it guys. In
between all the where-as and why-fore stuff, did the short chick say anything about this
broad...er female being of the mammal variety?"
The leader looked surprised and then suspicious. "As a matter of fact she did. How did
you know?"
"Let's just say that it fits in with the way the day has been going around here. Hate to
break it to you guys but Blue there is a plant."
The visitors all looked at Zhaan is disbelief.
"You mean she's a DAISY?!! You've got be yanking my chain!"
The leader turned to his lieutenant, mumbled something and was handed a small box. He
aimed it at Zhaan and it started to beep and whistle.
"Holster them boys, he's telling the truth."
The leader looked sad and asked, "Now what are we supposed to do? Fred got whacked
a couple of days ago and we need him bad! You see, he's the only one who knows where
we're going."
Rygel, who was tired of being left of the story, asked, "Well, why don't you go back to
where you came from and get one of your own females to kiss him?"
"We can't! We were part of a colony convoy and got separated. Our home world was
about to go boom so we all packed up and shipped out. The first ones to leave were the
women."
Rygel looked suspicious. " I thought you said that you have spent many cycles looking
for this promised land. Just how many cycles and why aren't you there yet?"
The leader looked embarrassed. " It's been about 100 cycles, give or take a few. As for
not being there, like I said, Fred is the only who knows the location but he only
remembers it when he's sober, which ain't all that often."
Rygel's eyes threatened to pop out of his head. "100 Cycles! Holy Hezmanna, you don't
need a female to actually kiss him. Just tell him there is one within 1000 metras and he'll
not only get up, he'll get out and push the ship til he gets to her."
The leader looked doubtful. "I don't know. It sounds too easy."
"Is this Fred on your transport there?"
"Yes."
"Good." Rygel leaned forward with his hand out. "Give me a com that's linked to his and
stand back. Chiana, come here and say hello to Fred."
Rygel held up the link and Chiana decided to give it her all.
In her most sultry voice she cooed, "Hi Freddy boy. Why don't you come out and play
with me?"
From inside the transport there were shouts of "Comin' through!" "Clear the decks!"
"Outta my way!" followed by crashes, bangs and several thumps.
There was a moment of silence. Then what could only be the great and glorious Fred
strode out of the hatch. It was obvious from all the gold buttons and chains that Freddy
boy was wearing his Sunday best.
He paused to tug his vest back down his rather ample waist line, then descended and
approached the two groups that waited for him.
His eyes had been facing forward but as he approached they went up and he froze. Slowly
a huge smile grew on his face as he looked from Zhaan to Aeryn to Chiana. As the smile
was turning wolfish he noticed Rygel holding the com. He approached.
"Excuse me sir. Would you be kind enough to tell me which of these lovely ladies was the
one who spoke to me a moment ago?"
Reygel pointed to Chiana. "She's the one."
The wolfish grin got even bigger. "Ah, gentle lady, your delightful tones are like water to
a parched man, the sounds of the delightful afterlife to the good and honest man."
Fred held out his hand to Chiana and she offered hers in return. Since he couldn't hold the
whole hand he settled for her index finger and continued his praise of Chiana.
D'Argo leaned over to whisper to John. "Is this what you refer to as 'a crock'?"
"You got it big guy."
The leader of the landing party finally succeeded in getting Fred's attention by waiting
until Fred stopped talking long enough to breath.
"Better tell her thank you while you're at it boss."
Fred looked puzzled. "For what exactly?"
"Oh, wonderful leader, you've been out of it for that last 2 days! It was her delightful
tones that brought you back."
Fred looked like he was about to faint from absolute joy. "An angel of mercy as well as
beautiful. The Saints have sent me a savior! We must have a banquet to honor this fair
maid for her healing touch."
Chiana tried to interrupt. "But I didn't actually touch you."
"A figure of speech my dear. Those gentle sounds in my ears were like the healing touch
of the deity himself. Yes a banquet, a feast of all our finest delicacies. Boys go back to
the ship and get the party supplies and don't forget the libation."
As the landing party started back to their ship, John decided to give them an escort and
ask a few questions of the leader of the group.
"I know this is a little late in the visit but, what the heck is your name and what do your
people call yourselves?"
The leader pulled himself up to his full height and replied, "We are the Zychtlop but most
of the beings in our side of the universe call us Zippies. My name is Roukglom but you
can call me Ricky."
John put his game face on. "Would you be offended if I called you Zippies too? I just
can't get my tongue around the other. As for you name....." John's voice trailed off, then
he stopped looking stunned.
"Fred and Ricky?! Oh man, my aching head." John covered his face with his left hand and
moaned, "I really don't think I want to go there. Just for curious Ricky, do you have a
wife or girlfriend who's a red-head?"
Ricky looked puzzled. "Yes I do. Why do you ask?"
"Never mind. The story is just waaay too long to go into. Just, whatever you do, don't
ever tell me her name. I don't think I could handle it."
The next few hours were taken up with party preparations. The Zippies brought over
several large vats of liquid that John pronounced similar to the Earth beverage 'whisky'
and a number of large bowls containing hard purple things which looked vaguely familiar.
John eventually realized that they looked like barnacles.
Ricky explained that the barnacle things were a great delicacy but they presented a
problem. It seems that once they touched something, they secreted a glue-like substance
that was practically impossible to dissolve. Most people simply threw away whatever the
things were stuck on.
John never did understand just how Fred had managed to convince Chiana that he
shouldn't walk to the galley. However he did it, she ended up carrying him in her arms.
Actually he was seated on her left arm. Of course he needed a handhold and her neckline
was right there. It must have been a simple coincidence that to reach her neckline he had
to reach up and over while laying his head on her chest. However it came about, Fred
arrived in the galley wearing his biggest smile of the day.
Once at the party Fred decided that since the party was in honor of Chiana for saving his
life they should sit together. He was too small to reach the table from a chair so he stood
on her lap with his head under her chin. John noticed that in that position, Freddy boy had
two very convenient armrests and he needed to rest his arms alot.
The party had been rollicking along for several hours when someone accidentally bumped
into John. It wouldn't have been so bad except they had been holding one of the barnacles
at the time. Zhaan looked at it and decided that later, when she had time, she would likely
be able to come up with a solvent to remove the pesky thing. Since it was in the middle of
his chest, he decided to go to his quarters and change. It was while he was gone that it all
hit the fan.
He was on his way back when Chiana came running down the hall. She was being chased
by two of the Zippies who were throwing something at her. They ran back when they saw
John.
He grabbed Chiana. "What's going on? What's that noise all about?"
Chiana was panting heavily. "Fred caught Rygel diluting the 'whisky"."
John interrupted. "HE WATERED DOWN THE WHISKY!! Is he nuts?!! Have they
killed him yet? Because if they haven't I will!"
"No they haven't killed him. They left their weapons back on their ship. Anyway, Fred
yelled 'Sacrilege' and everyone began throwing those hard things at us. I got out of there
as fast as I could but the others decided to stick it out."
John thought fast. "Okay, we can handle this."
Chiana replied, "Not me buster! I have purple things stuck all over me. I'm going to my
quarters to change and sit the rest of this thing out. Let me know when its all over."
She then turned and went down the hall.
It was now that John's previous experience as the chairman of the 'Delta House 12th
Annual Memorial Wet Tee Shirt Contest, Barbecue and Beer Bust' came into play. He
knew exactly what had to be done.
He ran down the hall and into the galley. He noticed that as the two closest to the fray,
Crais and D'Argo were getting the worst of it with Zhaan's head being the next favorite
target.
John ran to the cabinet, opened it and pulled out a handful of food cubes. Giving his battle
cry, '"FOOD FIGHT!" he began throwing the cubes at the Zippies.
The others, recognizing a plan when they saw one, dived for the cabinet and joined in.
The fight was on!
Everyone was throwing fast and furious.
Some of the Zippies' better shots included the bullseye in the middle of John's forehead,
the ricochet that landed on the top of Zhaan's head and the drop shot into Aeryn's
cleavage.
The Moya mob managed some good shots in return, a few chest shots that knocked
Zippies off tables and chairs, a couple of leg shots that decked a few and, the crowning
glory, a full face hit on Freddy boy himself.
It was at this point that Fred realized that his troops were starting to run low on
ammunition. Knowing that discretion is the better part of valor (and wanting to avoid
getting hit again) he yelled "RETREAT'. The Zippies grabbed the bowls and vats. They
were fighting a rearguard action all through the halls to the docking bay.
At one point John and Ricky found themselves on opposite sides of one of Moya's ribs.
"Hey Ricky, I've got an idea on how you can get home."
"I'm all ears. We were supposed to have been there 80 cycles ago!"
"Even better. Listen, the next time Fred is sober, just get him to write down the
directions. Then when you guys get there you give every one some wild story about all
your troubles, make it hair-raising. The chicks will think you're all heroes and they'll
drape themselves all over all of you, especially Fred."
"Yeah, great! That'll get Freddy to open up big time. Gee thanks, John. Listen, I'm
sorry about this mess but you know how it is. Gotta defend the sacred brew and all that."
"No problem. Zhaan said she already has an idea how to dissolve the glue and besides, it
just isn't a normal day around here if we don't have at least one running battle in the halls.
You take care now."
"You got it."
John gave Ricky a headstart before he came out slinging cubes right and left.
Eventually the Zippies were backed into their transport whereupon they slammed the
hatch and immediately took off. Once they were back to the ship, they left without
another word.
Our heroes now faced the wonderful and fun-filled task of cleaning up Moya and
themselves.
Pilot announced that the DRD's could handle Moya's cleanup if Zhaan would supply the
solvent, so she went off to her work area. The others returned to their quarters to change,
though in Crais' case, this simply involved removing his coat (and you wondered why he
always wears it).
About an hour later, everyone was gathered in John's quarters waiting for Zhaan to arrive
with the solvent.
Zhaan's solution for removing the barnacles turned into a bright green foam which, when
exposed to air, expanded alot. This wasn't too bad when it was applied to the clothes,
however, when it was applied to Crais' hair and D'Argo's tentacles John and Aeryn had to
be restrained from laughing outright while Crais and D'Argo had to be restrained from
killing John and Aeryn.
Zhaan applied the mixture to Rygel's head but refused to wipe it off after he started a long
litany of complaints about the smell, the feel, the time involved and everything else that
came into his mind.
"Just what do you mean you won't wipe it off? You're the one who put it on, you should
take it off."
"Rygel, I have had just about enough of you for one day. It was all your fault that we had
this fight. If you had simply poured the drinks as requested none of this would be
necessary."
Rygel puffed out his chest ( what there was of it). "I was trying to extend the supply."
John spun his throne sled around. "You were trying to siphon off some of it and thought
you could cover by adding water. You didn't realize that they could taste the difference."
"Well, if you are going to be insulting I shall retire to my quarters for the rest of the
evening. Good day."
He turned and floated off down the hall.
Later, as they were wiping off the last of the goo, Chiana appeared.
"Zhaan, will you please tell me what I am doing wrong?" she asked timidly.
Zhaan looked concerned. "Certainly. What is the situation?"
Chiana looked worried. "Well, I was helping Rygel get cleaned up. You know that he
can't reach the top of his head. I thought I was doing it correctly but every time I start
rubbing his earbrows he shakes and moans. He keeps telling me that it does't hurt, to
continue but it doesn't seem right and I'm getting worried."
Half-way through her explanation everyone had frozen into place then collapsed into
hysterical laughter. Chiana was looking from one to another and starting to get an idea.
" All right. Someone tell me just what the little dren has pulled this time. I want an
answer right now!"
After about five minutes Zhaan finally pulled herself together enough to tell Chiana that
Hynerian earbrows are part of their reproductive system, that to rub them is to excite the
person being rubbed.
Chiana's face was turning black as she turned on her heel and ran down the hall yelling,
"I'm going to KILL that TOAD!"
John, in the interest of fair play (and to add to the fun) opened a com to Rygel.
"Hey, frog boy, heads up. Chiana is on her way back to you."
A very mellow Rygel answered. "Ah, a dear and sweet child, such a lovely girl."
John stifled his laugh. "Well, you better fire up your jets, buddy boy. We just told her
about your earbrows and she is HOT!"
'WHAT THE YOTZ DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!!"
In the background they could hear Chiana's angry voice getting louder as Rygel's throne
sled went into overdrive.
After the hysterics died down, everyone realized that they were hungry. They went to the
galley and spent more than a little time stepping over all the DRD's which were cleaning
up the mess. They felt a little guilty about not helping but Pilot assured them that their
assistance was not necessary.
It was finally starting to settle down into a quiet evening meal when John got an inspired
idea. He asked Pilot to open Rygel's and Chiana's com links. The rest of the evening was
spent listening to Chiana's highly imaginative and descriptive threats plus Rygel's
half-hearted explanations and frantic pleas for help, all accompanied by Pilot's NASCAR
announcer commentary on the chase.
"...And His Eminence 'rounds the corner into the command center. Oh, he's gone into a
power slide. He's trying frantically to regain control as Chiana enters the room. She's
closing fast but...no! He got control and is shooting down the corridor. Ouch! Chiana
has hit the wall but our girl is still in the game. She shakes it off and starts down the hall.
No, wait...she's stopped at the imager. She is looking for something...what is it? Ah, she
is looking at the schematics for the access shafts. It appears that she may have found a
short cut. Yes! She has indeed. She goes up the hall and enters the shafts."
All in all a pleasant (if slightly hysterical) evening was had by everyone. Well...almost
everyone (where did she find that bear trap?).
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
![[Createyourownwebsiteatwww.scifi.com!]](http://geocities.com/~site/images/scifi_footer.gif)