Second Place

Disclaimer: They're not mine and never will be, no matter how many falling stars I wish upon.

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Jim put down his cup of coffee and dialed up his hearing. There was something there, a familiar voice, young and laced with excitement--//Mom, hey, Blair's here!//--but he couldn't quite figure out--

Oh. The Johnsons. He knew that wasn't their real last name, of course, but that was how he thought of them and he couldn't be certain he even remembered what their real names were. It was the young one headed towards them at an almost frighteningly fast clip, the little girl. Oh, right, Rachel.

He coughed into his fist. "Sandburg, on your six in about fifteen seconds. Your friend Rachel."

For a second, Blair looked at him, eyes blank, and then his face lit up and he spun around in his seat to look. He was just in time, as it turned out, to spot the miniature whirlwind covered in denim and glitter breaking through the crowds of people in the restaurant and headed right for him. He was out of his seat and reaching for her just as she launched herself at him, seeming to be fully confident he would catch her. And, of course, he did. Blair wasn't the type to avoid a hug if he could get one.

They were babbling at each other with all too apparent delight by the time Rachel's mother had worked herself over to them. She smiled at Jim, looking a little shy, then tucked her hair behind her ears. "Don't you think you should let Blair get back to his lunch?" she gently suggested, losing her smile as Blair and Rachel untangled themselves.

Blair rose and took a step back; Jim watched with great interest as he and the little girl's mother avoided each other's gazes and mumbled hellos. There was an awkward silence until Rachel, looking back and forth between her mother and Blair, stepped in with a perky "Hi!" for Jim.

Blair turned towards him with a mix of relief and maybe a little desperation in his gaze. "Jim! You remember Rachel and Katie, right?"

Jim rose and reached out to shake hands with Katie--whose name he'd really thought was Sarah--and smiled a little, making a polite effort. "I may be getting up there in years, Sandburg," he said dryly, "but I don't forget ladies this pretty in just a month."

Blair laughed a little too hard and nodded. His hair was tied back so there were no bobbing curls to accompany his movements, but somehow even his ponytail seemed nervous. "Right, of course." Then he turned away from Jim again and spread out his arms. "So..."

"So." Katie looked away, rested her hand on her daughter's shoulder. Another awkward pause, and Jim rolled his eyes, gave up.

"Chief, we've got a meeting in fifteen." He looked at his watch and raised his eyebrows, hoping Blair wouldn't try to elaborate on the little falsehood because the kid was just *pathetic* when it came down to lying.

"What?" Blair looked at him, winced when Jim stared back without saying anything more, and then jumped. "Oh. Yeah. That meeting. Gotta run, guys, but it was really good to see you!" He reached out to hug Rachel again, stuck out his hand for Katie to shake, then bolted. Jim dropped some money on their table and smiled at mother and daughter before following at a more sedate speed.

A pair of feminine sighs followed him, one relieved, one a little wistful, and he shook his head. Another apparent flop for his partner in the big, wide world of relationships. He had to admit, if only to himself...he was a little surprised.

And not entirely unhappy.

Blair was sitting in the truck with a book open and held up in front of his face when Jim climbed behind the wheel. He didn't start the truck right away, just sat with the keys in his hand and his gaze focused forwards, wondering if he wanted to ask.

"Man, why do my relationships never work out?" Blair asked from behind his book, sounding thoroughly miserable, and Jim started the truck. Of course he didn't have to ask--just like Blair never turned down the offer of a hug, he never missed an opportunity to talk, either.

"I didn't know this one wasn't working," he said, making sure to keep his voice mild, and pulled out into traffic.

"Yeah. Well, Katie and me went to the movies once and took Rachel out to dinner, lunch, a playground, and the skating rink. Then bang, it was over."

Jim pondered endings for a moment and decided Blair'd seen enough of them that he should know how to deal. But that seemed a little...sad, and maybe it was a good idea to offer sympathy, so he said, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Chief." He didn't really know what else to say. Hey, I'm *glad* it didn't work out--she seemed like a nice woman but not right for you? That didn't seem...appropriate. Maybe hey, too bad, better luck with the next mother-on-the-run? Somehow that didn't work either.

"I'm sorry about it too." Blair dropped the book and looked out the window. For what was probably the first time since Jim had met him, he was completely still. That seemed worrisome and Jim took his eyes off the road long enough to look at him with concern.

"You all right?"

Blair started, whipped his head around and met Jim's gaze with wide eyes and an almost steady smile. "Oh, fine," he said brightly, too brightly. But Jim had to watch the road and couldn't do any more to suggest disbelief than grunt. In an instant, his partner was turned in his seat to face him more fully and his hands were flying in the cramped space of the truck's cab.

"Really, Jim," he insisted. "I mean, I'm a little freaked out because she was like the nineteenth woman I've dated in the past two years, and I really thought it would work with her, but I didn't know her well enough to be all *depressed* about not seeing her again."

"Oh yeah? That why you didn't tell me things had ended between the two of you?"

Blair sighed. "Well, that was just part of the problem, Jim, it wasn't just between the two of us. There was Rachel, too."

Jim thought about that as he pulled into a parking space and killed the engine, as Blair charged up the stairs ahead of him and unlocked the door, as he hung his coat and headed to the fridge to get a bottle of water. Then he wandered back out to the living room, where Blair was already ensconced with his laptop and a pile of books. He sat on the end of the couch and turned on the television.

He kept the sound too low for it to bother his partner and tried to be interested in the news of the day, but he just kept hearing Rachel's excited voice in his head, Katie's sigh, Blair's too fast breathing and nervous speech. Forget about it, he ordered himself. Obviously, the kid is doing just fine. You didn't even notice anything was up until that scene in the restaurant.

That didn't work, so he swished some water in his mouth, swallowed, and said, "What do you mean, there was Rachel, too?"

Blair stopped typing, sat still for a second as if surprised Jim was bringing it back up. Then he rubbed his nose under the bridge of his glasses and sighed. "Katie's first concern was always for Rachel--"

"Looked to me like you thought her little girl was pretty cool."

"Oh, I definitely did, that wasn't the problem at all. That was totally a bonus. And not only did I like Rachel herself, but I liked the fact of her existence, period. For once I didn't feel like I had suddenly become the be-all and end-all of someone else's universe, you know? I wasn't the really important thing in Katie's life."

Jim kept his gaze on the television, swallowed a little more water. "You were second," he said quietly, and started to peel the soggy paper label off the water bottle. Don't you think you deserve to be first with someone? he wondered, as he had done when Blair had first mentioned dating Katie, but he wasn't about to ask out loud. Obviously, Blair couldn't expect to come first with a mother, and besides that, it seemed like a question that would likely open a whole new discussion. One he just knew would bring about too many confessions.

"Second," Blair agreed. "A happy second. But Katie, she decided it wasn't fair. Not to me or to Rachel. So she said she's just not going to date until her daughter is grown. Out of the house."

Jim raised his eyebrows and glanced at his partner out of the corner of his eye. "Sounds pretty drastic."

"Well, you know, her little family. Her decision." Blair shrugged even though he couldn't have known Jim could see him, more evidence that he was incapable of talking without his whole body being involved, and Jim fought the urge to reach out to him. Distant sympathy, he told himself. Very distant. At least two cushions distant.

Blair went back to typing and Jim went back to watching the news. Murder, murder, mayhem, the adoption of a puppy who had been found in an abandoned building, more murder, and not even that was enough to get his mind off the remembered image of Blair's face when he turned to Jim in the restaurant and practically begged to be saved.

Maybe Blair couldn't get his mind off it either because right after the newscasters signed off until the evening news, he took of his glasses and made a frustrated kind of sound. "Jesus, Jim, all right. So it did bother me a little to not be wicked important. Maybe I thought, if I dated Katie I'd get *two* people to pay attention to me--"

Jim blinked and turned his head. Blair's lips were curled down in a fierce and unfamiliar scowl and he jerked to his feet, began to pace. "Maybe I just wanted people to hear me for once, you know, and it seemed like they were maybe going to be the people who *would*."

That made no sense. "Chief, you teach classes almost every day. You sit in Simon's office and theorize with us about cases. You talk me through zone outs and times when I can't figure out what exactly to do with my senses. Seems to me that ought to be enough attention for one man."

Blair shook his head. "No, that's exactly the point. To my students, I'm a TA, just another boring lecturer and dear God, when am I going to shut up? To Simon, I'm Sandburg, observer and ride-along, and dear God, when am I going to shut up? And to you, man, I'm Chief, the Guide who occassionally proves helpful, but dear gods in all the heavens above, strike me down and shut me up!"

Sometimes you amaze me, Jim thought. Of all the people who have ever come into my life, I have paid the most attention to you. I have cared the most about you. I might not have listened to every word that's come out of your mouth but I have always--

He wouldn't say any of that. What he would say was, "I'd shut you up myself if I needed to do so," and Blair laughed, sounding just a little bitter. He sat down on the couch, slumped against the back of it and pursed his lips, blew out a whistling sigh, then closed his eyes and swallowed.

Jim catalogued all these little actions with deep fascination, and then reached out to grip Blair's arm despite his misgivings, his plan to offer only distant--safe--sympathy. Sometimes, he'd found in years of police work, you had to walk on a thin ledge to save someone. Sometimes the risk was worth the reward.

"I think it's deeper than looking for attention," Jim said with deliberate and gentle intensity. "I think...it seemed like you were looking for a little ready-made family, more people to care *for*, not to have care for you. Never mind the fact that it's not really what you need right now. It helped that Katie reminded you of Naomi and Rachel admired you, but it never would have worked between you. You just...wanted it to. For simplicity's sake."

Blair was silent, then nodded, maybe a little reluctantly. He reached over and patted the hand Jim had laid on his arm and said, "When'd they give you your degree in psychology, Jim?"

"About three weeks after you moved in. Otherwise known as after my...five hundredth hour in therapy. Living with you those three weeks struck everyone as more than enough training."

They shared a soft chuckle, and then Jim heaved to his feet, hesitated. There was still a little hint of a grin on Blair's lips and the expression in the bright blue eyes that met his didn't exactly convey depression, so he smiled. Ruffled Blair's hair, playful, tangling it up a bit. "I'm gonna go to the gym," he said. "You want to come? Maybe work on getting a little definition?"

"I've got enough definitions, thanks." Blair smiled and shook his head, and Jim nodded agreeably. He was almost out the door when he heard his partner say his name, a little catch in his voice. He turned around again and hovered in the doorway as he waited.

But all Blair said was "Thank you, Jim," so he nodded again, stepped into the hall and shut the door behind him. You'll always have family here, Chief, he thought, and then walked briskly away, avoiding the temptation to say that to Blair's face and maybe destroy the careful equilibrium between them. You'll always be number one here.

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