Goodnight, Distraction

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"Coffee?"

"All set, Chief."

"Cookie?"

"No. Thank you."

"I found this new tea blend you might li--"

"Come on, Sandburg, this is a stakeout, not a tea party."

"And I'm a cop, not a machine. I need sustenance!"

"Well, keep it to yourself, all right? I need quiet."

"Right. Quiet. In case mousy little accountant John Richards decides to start a shoot-out or flee for the highlands? So we can hunt him down and pounce? One wrong move and he's toast?"
 
"That's the plan, yes. Problems, Sandburg?"

"Not a one. Damn fine plan it is."

********************

"You've been on stakeouts before, Chief. Why so antsy tonight?"

"Thought you needed quiet?"

"Chief."

"...Sorry. You're right. I am antsy."

"What's up?"

"I don't want to be a distraction."

"Chief, just tell me what the problem is."

"*That's* the problem. I don't want to be a distraction."

"We spend most of our days--"

"Not to mention nights--"

"Thanks for the reminder, Chief--most of our days and nights--together. I can tune you right out."

"Well."

"What?"

"That's comforting, Jim."

"Simon thinks so."

"Simon *knows*?"

"The whole frigging world knows, Sandburg. Deal with it."

"Right."

"Right."

"...Want some coffee?"

"Sandburg!"

********************

"The wolf is a pack-animal, Jim. A family critter. Lone wolves just don't have the same survival rate as a pack wolf. Therefore, it'd stand to reason that a man with a wolf as a spirit animal would be a pack *human*, if that makes sense--"

"Which it doesn't."

"Thanks very much. Anyway, I'm just saying that the loner jaguar and family-guy wolf are pretty unlikely, all things considered. Why not two wolves? Why not a moose and a bear or an eagle and...Hell, even turtles are powerful animal spirits."

"Slow, but wise, right?"

"Right."

"Well, it makes sense to me, Chief. And that whole pack animal thing explains why you collect people."

"Collect--what do you mean, collect people?"

"You draw people into your insanity, then, by the time they've realized it, they're in too deep to get out."

"Well, thanks, man, I never--"

"Collected me day one."

"You ever feel the need to be sold at a garage sale, be sure to let me know."

"I will."

"Right."

"...You know it'll never happen, right, Chief?"

"At least I dust you off now and then, is all I'm saying."

"Not to mention the buffing, Chief. You've gotten *really* good at the buffing. "

"It's all in the practice."

"I thought that was, it's all in the wrist?"

"And if you're particularly lucky, the mouth."

"That, too, Blair. That too."
  
********************

"Come on, Jim, have a cookie."

"What *is* it with you and food?"

"Why is this a big deal? Just take a frigging cookie and make me happy!"

"Fine, fine, Chief. Happy now?"

"Yes. Thank you."

********************

"What was your first kiss like?"

"How am I supposed to remember, Chief?"

"How could you *forget*?"

"It was more than twenty-five years ago!"

"All right, all right. First kiss that mattered?"

"Was like...I don't know. Pounding hearts, shaking, warmth."

"Good?"

"Good."

"Good."

"Good?"

"Yeah. Good, Jim. I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"You should be, Chief, since you enjoyed it, too...ow! What?"

"That was too sweet."

"Where'd you learn to hit like that?"

"From an expert. A hit-master."

"Ah yes. Grasshoppa, you learned from the champ."

"How soon they forget their students--"

"Just be glad I remember kissing you--ow!"

********************

"Those cookies weren't so bad."

"You ate them *all*?"

"Can I ever do things right with you, Chief?"

"You'd think so, huh? But it looks like we've got a no on that one!"

*******************

"Sorry, Jim."

"I know, Blair. You're just a little antsy tonight."

"I think I need a nap."

"Go ahead. I'll keep watch."

"Don't you always?"

********************

"Hey, guess what I heard today?"

"Thought you were napping, Chief."

"Naw, caught my second wind. So anyway, Iris is getting out of jail soon."

"Iris? The one who abducted you and the Volvo at gunpoint?"

"Car runs better now than it ever did. Yes, that Iris. Pretty girl, huh? Cleaned up in jail, from what I gather."

"Pretty girl, with gun and drugs. Remember the gun and drugs?"

"...All right, so the gun and drugs part is hard to forget."

"How'd she manage such a light sentence?"

"Time off for good behavior."

"Riiiiiight."

"Really! No more nothing for that girl, she says."

"You believe her?"

"Well...yeah."

"It turns me on when you're naive like that, Chief."

"Yeah, turns *me* on when you laugh at me, you big jerk."

"No wonder you're turned on all the time!"

"Haha."

********************

"First word, Jim: Rain."

"Cascade."

"Dust."

"Blair."

"Haha. Car."

"Explosions."

"Explosions."

"Blair."

"Blair?"

"Hair."

"Jim, sometimes I hate you, man."

"I know. It makes me love you more."

"Argh."

********************

"You know, I don't see why we can't be doing this from the truck."

"Maybe because every criminal in Cascade knows the truck?"

"Still. I *like* the truck."

"This isn't so bad, Jim. No sprung springs. Decent radio. Good company, right?"

"No power in the engine."

"Oh, come on. The truck is like Godzilla in comparison, yeah. But this is surveillance and you never saw Godzilla sneaking up on people."

"Ha. But you saw people fleeing from his mighty power, Chief."

"Sure. But if Richards flees between now and dawn, you and me will be having breakfast at the station and crawling into bed waaaay late."

"It's already way late."

"But we have cookies, Jim. And the paperwork. Just...think of the paperwork."

"You know, Chief, I think I like this car."

"Yeah, Jim. That's what I thought you'd say."

********************

"Hey, why is it twe always get stuck with this shift on stakeouts?"

"Because we're tough, Sandburg. We can take it. Think of this as...Simon's ultimate compliment."

"Is this like your ultimate compliment is your faith in my reports thing?"

"Exactly, Chief. Exactly."

"No wonder I always end up doing yours, too. I think I like it better when you guys insult me."

********************

"So, Blair, do you keep in touch with all the pretty girls we arrest?"

"Iris keeps in touch with *me*."

"Well, keep two facts in mind: She's a bad girl, and you have someone anyway."

"Have someone, huh?"

"A possessive someone. Someone who'll make sure her hands never get near your...guitar...again."

"You are just *so* funny."

"Not funny, possessive. Get it?"

"Yeah, I get it. Jerk."

"I'm allowed to be a jerk. It's all about that whole throwback thing."

"I should *never* have told you about that. Where was my head?"

"Nope, you should have kept that to yourself. Gets you in all kinds of trouble now, huh?"

"Guess it's a good thing I like trouble."

********************

"You know what we need, Jim?"

"Besides a bathroom break?"

"Yeah, besides that."

"No. What do we need?"

"A dog."

"No, Chief."

"Come on, man. A big dog would so suit your image."

"And mess up the loft."

"Nah, we'd get a dog, not a puppy. Something big and intimidating, but friendly."

"No. Dog hair, dog food, dog smell--"

"Fetch. Catch. Cornering criminals."

"No."

"...A cat?"

"Nuh-uh. Worse than dogs."

"Jeez, man, you're cold."

"Sorry. Deal with it."

"Whatever, man."

********************

"Goldfish?"

"No."

********************

"Hey, Jim."

"No dogs, Chief."

"No, this isn't about the dog. It's about the guy in the bushes."

"Shit. Here, call for back-up."

"You think it's Richards? You think he's gonna flee?"

"No matter who it is, Chief, they're gonna flee. You think criminals don't run from cops? You think innocent but sneaky people don't run from big guys with guns?"

"Right. Calling for backup."

"Good plan."

"Hey, Jim, be careful. I'm right behind you after this."

"You always are."

********************

"You know, if we had a dog..."

"Quit it."

"Right. But--"

"If we'd had the truck, if I hadn't been expecting Richards to be slow, if I had expected him to be smart, if, if, if."

"You know what, Jim? You're a real Mr. Crankypants tonight."

"Jesus, Chief, are we back in pre-school?"

"Some of us apparently never *left* pre-school, Jim."

"You want trouble? You looking for a wedgie? You need a noogie?"

"No! No, Jim, watch the hair!"

"Hey, is that dandruff?"

"Jim!"

"Just kidding, Chief. Now who's Mr. Crankypants?"

********************

"Hey, wake up."

"No. 'm fine."

"What, you think you're sleeping in the truck all day?"

"...Truck?"

"Do you even remember being at the station?"

"...Station?"

"Right."

"Good night..."

"Dammit, Chief. I'm not carrying you."

"S'ok. Hey, if we had a big dog--"

"You'd be too tired to walk it."

"Mmphf."

"Don't make me go over there."

"Lemphf."

"Whatever, Sandburg."

"Mmmphf."

********************

"...Jim...?"

"Wh-what?"

"Floating..."

"Not likely, buddy."

"Ohhh...oh!"

"Don't wiggle, Chief!"

"Don't *carry* me!"

"Wouldn't have to if you'd wake up!"

"Hello, Shuttle Sandburg to base: I'm awake up here."

"...Right. Sorry, Chief."

"Yeah, well. Nice of you to try though, Jim. Very romantic gesture."

"Romantic, my left cheek. I couldn't let you sleep in the car."

"If we had a dog, it would have been safe--"

"Jesus. Not the dog again. Keep it up, Chief, and you won't even be safe from me."

"Like I ever was?"

"Good point."

********************

"Goodnight, Chief."

"I wish we'd gotten Richards tonight..."

"He's an accountant. A lucky but not particularly bright accountant. We'll have him tomorrow."

"Yeah, but we *should* have had him tonight, Jim."

"Nothing to be done about it now, buddy. Just try to get some sleep, all right? Stop with the tossing and turning."

"...my fault?"

"What?"

"I said, was it my fault? I distract you."

"No--"

"Jim."

"Sometimes. Ok, sometimes you do distract me. But it's all right--"

"How can it be all right, Jim?

"How many more times have you helped?"

"Oh..."

"Yeah, Chief. Oh. Now, say goodnight."

"Goodnight...hey, Jim?"

"It's almost *dawn*, Sandburg. What?"

"I like...that I distract you."

"Most of the time--like, not right now--I like it too. Ok?"

"Ok. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"...That was a good stakeout. So far as stakeouts go, anyway."

"Good*night*."

"Do you always have to have the last wo--oomphf!"

"*Goodnight*, Distraction!"

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