Loves

What is loved. I travel into so many different dream, so many different. But I still can't find the true meaning of Love.

My friend Nindra and Ritza says that nobody can interpret love to it's real meaning. Even if somebody does, that mean, the guy can't feel the love it self again. And they say that I am one of them (the guy that doesn't know or know to much abut love). Good that they don't know about this secret stash of my journal. I will publish this some day.

Love for me is the feeling of being pressed in the heart by something. It's the quezyness at the bottom of my mind. It's the feeling of care. The feeling of happiness when I came near some body I love. The feeling of relaxations when I talk to her.

I don't think I can continued working for my paper until I tell her my real feeling. Not only the dream but also the feeling I keep deep down at my heart.

It's still 8:32 PM, but I'm already starting to get tired. I usually start sleeping at 9 PM but some notion make me want to sleep early today. hm... maybe tonight dream will tell me what is going to happen next for me.

I's already 09:07:37 pm 02/03/04, and I'm just starting to write this again...

I'm waiting for her to send me the e-mail... and it's supposed to arrived at my mailbox 4 hours ago. I think I will send her this following poem:

“A Poem For You”

Standing there alone in the edge of the school

Taking a snapshot of your face

over and over again

You always catch me

a year long project

it's all about YOU

My night is devoted to you

so give me the awful truth

I know you don't like me...

but tell me anyway...

Is the poem good enough? Well anyway, I'm done for the night. Wake me up at 3:30 k?

I'll add some later, but for now, I will add some of my feeling tonight. It's already 10:19 pm, my grandma told me to go to sleep. but I just can't sleep.

I can't forget her face, popping in my brain.

so here come a poem,

“My lonely night”

Today, I play a game,

it got nothing to do with girl.

but when my cellphone ringging, I'm always hoping that it is from you.

but no, it is never from you, it always from somebody else.

you make me suffer trought my night...

I can't take this any longer.

but i have to do it at the right night...

and I never know, when will the right night will come.

Here's another letter that I might send to her:

Cinta Tidak akan pernah berakhir

tapi kemarin setelah aku katakan isi hatiku kau terlihat sangat terkejut, lalu engkau pergi meninggalkanku sendiri di ruangan itu.

Apakah itu caramu menyatakan kepedulianmu terhadapku.

Kalau ya, mengapa engkau tidak menjawab ketika kupanggil namamu?

Aku butuh kejelasan, apa yang sebenarnya engkau inginkan.

Tiap detik aku habiskan untukk memikarkan mu.

Sampai sekarangpun, ketika menulis surat ini wajahmu terbayang di pikiranku.

Kubuka album lamaku yang tersimpan jauh di lubuk hatiku, kulihat kembali perjalanan hidup kita bersama. Mengenang masa-masa indah yang tak kan aku lupakan. Tapi apakah engkau akan melupakanku?

Berikanlah aku penjelasan secepatnya.

Karena waktuku tinggal sedikit.

But I don't think it's gonna work. I'll make another one this after noon....

looks like yesterday aren't a very good day for making a poem. I spent my day watching Monalisa smile, again, well, here we go again...

“You”

You are the only one in my heart right now,

You are the one face that pop up in the middle in my dream,

You are the one messing up my sight at games,

You are the one that replaces every picture in the net,

You. Are. my. Dream.

I think that's enough for the night. But wait, I think I get another one coming out,

“Lonely night”

Every night, I wait for you to call, never to be received,

Every night, I wait for your SMS, never to be answered,

Every night, I wait for your e-mail, never to be send,

Every night, I edit your picture, never to be publish,

Every night, I make a poem that will never be said,

Every night, I open up my laptop, just to see your face,

Every night, I wish for you to be mine,

but I know, You will never be mine...

Thats all folks... 02/07/04 hope tomorrow will be better...

02/08/04, for today i only play an hour of quality gaming, but hoping to get a weekend of quality gaming. I'll download the AA for Linux this week. Hoping to get some compensation for today work. BTW, I finish routing my stereo so i get a kind of surround sound quality at my bed room. But I still miss her, especially when I see a couple holding hand, kinda day dreaming I guest. Haven't got a poem for the night. Looks like you guys have to wait for another day for a quality poem. Great, my laptop batteries running below 50% that mean I only get roughly 2 hour to write. Ok then. Gee, don't I have another song for my sleep? It's been 3 day with simple plan, good Charlotte, and blink. Oh well, my jazz CD's is at my cousin house. So that mean I have to get it tomorrow. Maybe I'll use the transceiver for my self. I think I have the space needed. Wait here come one...

“Me, My Self, and You”

I know you don't like me,

but will you tell me that?

I know somebody else like you.

And my chance are to little to say,

that you like me.

But one thing for sure, I love you...

So what will you say when I say, I Love You?

At last, I told her my true feelings. I send another e-mail today. Just before going off to school. Auch it's a close one. Maybe I should send her another one. You know the one in page 3. anyway, today is a dangerous day. There's math and english today...

Reaction

I told her my feeliing last night.

Figure out that it's to hard to say it over the phone.

Mayber better luck in face to face...

but no...

I can't wait.

I send her an E-mail.

And she reply.

And I do the most obvios.

And today the story begin...

The story already begun and the prospect for better tomorrow already sink half way down. Maybe to be Better, Faster, Stronger is not an easy job for a boy like me. But hey, I can always hear Daft Punk.

Today, 02/13/04, This morning actualy, I recive an E-mail from her. It's a two page letter as describe bellow...

Then, I reply This...

at the math remedial, I try to talk to her. But looks like the power of math beat me up and force me to shut up. I haven't talk to her for two day now. But at the very last moment, You talk to me. Well not exactly the kind of talk I wish. But thats ok for me... haven't check my phone yet. But I know that she use it well. I plan another E-mail today but still haven't figure out what to send. Hope to compose it at this moment.

Aku mulai menyukai mu sejak kelas satu, akan tetapi, cinta itu ada ketika aku mulai menulis skenario untuk kelas dua. Sejak aku memulai aku memandang maritje sebagai dirimu. Bukan berarti aku mengambil kepribadian mu. Akan tetapi aku berpikir apa yan terjadi bila kau ada dalam situasi ini? Hingga perpisahan kelas di Anyer, aku selalu berharap engkau akan datang walau tak diundang.

Dan cinta itu berlanjut ketika kita memulai kelas 3. aku selalu berharap setiap tahun untuk mendapat permulaan baru, akan tetapi itu tidak terjadi terhadap ku. Akan tetapi, aku memulai proyekku untuk tahun ini, megabadikan setiap momen mu, kau selalu menjauh, dan aku mengerti kenapa kau menjauh, aku pun akan melakukan yang sama jika jadi kamu. Untung kamu tidak tahu maksud tersembunyi ku hingga hari itu. Kau seperti sudah menyiapkan surat panjang itu untuk ku, seperti sudah tahu akan perasaan ku.

Andai engkau tahu apa selalu kupikirkan sebelum aku menerima surat panjang e-mail pertama ku kepada, aku selalu berpikir “apakah ia merasakan apa yang kurasakan?” atau “apa reaksi mu ketika aku menyatakan bahwa aku menyayangimu sepenuh hati ku? Apakah kau juga merasakannya?” apapun yang terjadi aku selalu mencintai mu.

Tapi selanjutnya kita mau jadi apa? Kalaupun hubungan kita tidak berjalan, aku berharap kita bisa jadi teman dekat... seperti yang kau tulis, perjalanan itu dimulai dengan pertemanan...

ARTI MEMILIKI.......... Pacaran itu suatu hal yang mengesankan dan 'harus dipertahankan' jika memang udah sepadan. Seperti kata kata berikut: cinta tak pernah akan begitu indah, jika tanpa persahabatan.....yang satu selalu menjadi penyebab yang lain dan prosesnya...adalah irreversible...... Seorang pecinta yang terbaik adalah sahabat yang terhebat. Jika kamu mencintai seseorang, jangan berharap bahwa seseorang itu akan mencintai kamu persis sebaliknya dalam kapasitas yang sama. Satu diantara kalian akan memberikan lebih, yang lain akan dirasa kurang...........Begitu juga dalam cinta: kamu yang mencari, dan yang lain akan menanti...... Jangan pernah takut untuk jatuh cinta.... mungkin akan begitu menyakitkan, dan mungkin akan menyebabkan kamu sakit dan menderita..... tapi jika kamu tidak mengikuti kata hati, pada akhirnya kamu akan menangis.......jauh lebih pedih...karena saat itu menyadari bahwa kamu tidak pernah memberi....cinta itu sebuah jalan. Cinta bukan sekedar perasaan, tapi sebuah komitmen....Perasaan bisa datang dan pergi begitu saja...... Cinta tak harus berakhir bahagia.....karena cinta tidak harus berakhir..... Cinta sejati mendengar apa yang tidak dikatakan....dan mengerti apa yang tidak dijelaskan, sebab cinta tidak datang dari bibir dan lidah atau pikiran.........melainkan dari HATI. Ketika kamu mencintai, jangan mengharapkan apapun sebagai imbalan, karena jika kamu demikian, kamu bukan mencintai,melainkan.....investasi. Jika kamu mencintai, kamu harus siap untuk menerima penderitaan. Karena jika kamu mengharap kebahagiaan,kamu bukan mencintai....melainkan memanfaatkan. Lebih baik kehilangan harga diri dan egomu bersama seseorang yang kamu cintai dari pada kehilangan seseorang yang kamu cintai, karena egomu yang tak berguna itu........ Jangan mencintai seseorang seperti bunga,karena bunga mati kala musim berganti, cintailah mereka seperti sungai, sebab sungai mengalir selamanya........ Cinta mungkin akan meninggalkan hatimu bagaikan kepingan2 kaca, tapi tancapkan dalam pikiranmu, bahwaAda seseorang yang akan bersedia untuk menambal lukamu dengan mengumpulkan kembali pecahan2 kaca itu..... Sehingga kamu akan menjadi utuh kembali...Suatu saat nanti..

and That's the wrap.