Prologue: Civilizing With A Grunt and A Groan

...............It was the Dawn of Time. Nuttin' much really around, nuttin much really happenin. Then microbes, foraminifera, ichnofacies (sounds slimy, doesn’t it?), and other such slop began to wallow in a collection of primordial ponds. Slothic scum crawled from the seas -- one celled creaches, then two, three, four and more cells. Eventually dinosaurs roamed the land. Those dinos were daring; now they're dead. Something about a big ball of rock falling from the sky.
...............Time passed -- a few minutes or a few zillion years. Nobody knows for sure. Does it really matter? Probably not. The important thing is that new creaches began to roam the land. Little scurrying furry things took to the savannas; some darted and danced amidst the trees. Rudimentary rodents gave way to bigger more complex rodents. Some chittered and sneered, grunted and groaned, giggled and laughed. Some began to talk; no mean feat (took a lot of bitchin' to formulate a vocabulary to build a language). For example: Ugh! Ugh ugh grunt snort groan. The stock market fell forty points! Ugh! Ugh! Grunt! What a real ass! Ugh!! Extraordinary, I would say! Wouldn’t you?
...............Then one day (or night) in the dim and distant past, some rodent stood on its hind legs (or was it some THING which crawled out of a swamp?) and said: “Hey! Why don’t we start this new concept called civilization?” And they did. It was a shaky concept at best. Untested. But they started it none-the-less. If they had only known the dismal failure that…well, that really isn’t the subject of this discourse. So…
...............The grand scheme of civilization, called civilizing, was begun. Little pockets of thinking and talking animals (advanced rodents, by this time called primates for some enigmatic reason) sprung up here and there. Kind of bubbled over like some detestable malignancy. They formed little enclaves, then bigger enclaves; quaint little dwellings made of a variety of high-tech materials such as mud, thatch, wood, stone, sludge, and such. And in time, a very very long long time in fact, they gave these enclaves nice little quaint picturesque names such as Slagsville, Sludgepool, Slopburg, or Alconslaushlingoronoka.
...............It was in such a quaintly named enclave that a new astounding revolutionary (evolutionary?) idea was conceived. The enclave was called Riffhaven, site of the now infamous Uncle Riff’s Rotating Atomic Fish Farm (“We breed nuclear fish that glow in the dark!” - such a quality slogan!), commonly known as Riff’s RAFF. And this revolutionary idea? Okay, hold onto your seats - it was…yes, you guessed it - WRITING!
...............Apparently, so the story goes, a group of these advanced rodents, primates - what have you (although by this time some of these same advanced rodents had begun to refer to themselves as humanity) - were gathered together one morning over tea and cheese. They were bandying about such insignificant terms as morphemes, phonemes, syntax and semantics, and other equally boring items!
...............One stood up, glared at the others, puffed up his chest, cleared his throat, and said: “Well, we have the sounds, we have the structure, now let us put it to parchment to see what it looks like!”
...............Well, to make a long rambling story short because it isn’t really worth going in to the mind riveting detail, they started recording to parchment everything they could, everything from that slobbering idiot Slap Hapi stubbing his toe on a fire hydrant (yeah, they had those - you know, with thatched buildings and all…) to the first atomic fish to roll off the Riff’s RAFF assembly line. Collectively it became known as The Riffhaven Chronicles, a sort of laughable history of Slagheep (Slagheep, for no apparent reason, is what they ended up calling their planet).
...............Thus, spending endless sleepless nights and gallons of coffee pouring (my eyes, not the coffee) over The Riffhaven Chronicles for some totally useless and unknown reason which I still cannot fathom, a hitherto relatively unknown event caught my eye. It was a war that was almost a war, but in the end not quite a war. The information was scant at best, only bits and pieces, but with long and grueling effort I was able to piece the elements together in a concise chain of events that record a remarkable story, at one and the same time both tragic and triumphant.
...............So, if you are an advanced rodent, sit back, kick your feet up, snack on your block of cheese, and read with astonished awe or seething contempt (the choice, of course, is yours) the Tale of the Trojan Sphynx!

Part 1: A Plea to King Huht-Uncommon

...............King Huht-Uncommon was truly uncommon. In fact, there was no one else like him in all of Slagheep. To put it mildly, King Huht-Uncommon was an evolutionary mistake. However, he did serve a useful purpose. He filled the role of the wise old sage and prophet who spouted off words of wisdom and advise to those who came seeking it. Did I say useful purpose? Perhaps I should have said useless purpose - so typical of those wise old sage types!
...............Perhaps King Huht-Uncommon’s claim to fame is his bouts of fanciful delirium which have molded and shaped the individual he claims to be, although he maintains it came about in a dream. Our illustrious pot-bellied (his belly hangs over the belt around his waist which gathers together the folds of a silken white tunic he wears) sage sits on a golden throne perched atop what he calls a “pyramid.” The four ornately carved legs of the throne are affixed to the four sides of the pyramid, the point of the pyramid resting just beneath the seat of the throne.
...............The king’s pyramid, situated in the center of his regal domain - a small clearing - stands roughly fifteen feet tall, and was constructed on the same dimensional scale as that of the Great Pyramid of Cephren. Now I must make mention here that this Cephren individual was supposedly a king in some mythical land called Egypt. You see, this is all part of that so-called dream King Huht-Uncommon said he had had. In my opinion it is a definite case of mental deterioration, a mild psychosis bordering on schizophrenia and possibly a developing trend to paranoia.
...............Thus, the pyramid, the clothing (including the striped silken headgear he wears), the sandals, the plastic artificial palms rising from plastic pots on each side of the pyramid, the two cat statues fronting the pyramid, and the dates which he incessantly stuffs his face with adding to his voluminous girth, are all part and parcel a result of King Huht-Uncommon’s delirium (okay, his dream). The only items out of character are the television monitor attached to one arm of the throne, and a small secret compartment containing an old rotary dial telephone.
...............About as useless as King Huht-Uncommon is the Prefect of the Dingbatte peoples, one Prefect Nummskaul. Just like the numbskull Prefect Nummskaul is, he had the audacity to approach KH (oh, nearly forgot, King Huht-Uncommon likes to be called that) while KH was watching the chariot races on his television monitor.
...............“Your Lordship King Huht-Uncommon,” Prefect Nummskaul whispered obediently as the Dingbatte Prefect timidly entered the clearing where rested the pyramid throne of King Huht-Uncommon. “I come on behalf of our good and gracious lord, King Dimmwitt.”
...............“Shhhhhhhhhhh,” KH whispered forcibly, stuffing another date in his mouth, date juice dribbling down his chin. His eyes were peeled on the television monitor, his favorite sporting event, Saturday Morning at the Chariot Races, being televised.
...............Nummskaul nodded nervously as he waited timidly at the base of the pyramid. He watched KH’s eyes grow wide as the Great One leaned forward on his throne, his eye still locked on the monitor. He stuffed another date in his now widely grinning mouth.
...............“Yes! YES!!” KH suddenly cried out, bouncing up and down on the throne with joy. He pounded on the arms of the throne and began to cheer.
...............“My Lord…” Nummskaul began again, his voice soft and hesitant.
...............“Yes yes, call me Your Exalted Lordship KH,” the king replied, his voice hurried, his eyes still on the races.
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH? Ooooooohhhh REALLY?! Okay, so I was wrong; not simply KH. I can accept that given the King’s paranoia as I have already mentioned. And it seemed that Nummskaul also accepted it as well. Of course for him there was no choice in the matter (unlike me!).
...............“Your Exalted Lordship KH,” Nummskaul said. “I must speak with you on urgent matters.”
...............“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! It’s almost over, the final stretch!” Your Exalted Lordship KH (so, I got on the bandwagon; big deal!) said as he leaned toward the monitor, his eyes, bulging like his stomach, his expression growing expectant. A horse and chariot suddenly flashed across the finish line, and Your Exalted Lordship KH exploded in ecstasy, nearly throwing himself off the throne. “Yes! The Hittites go down again!”
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH quickly collected himself, switched off the monitor, and glanced down at Prefect Nummskaul standing at the base of the pyramid. “Okay, whatcha want, bud!?” Your Exalted Lordship KH said, slobbering bits and pieces of chewed up dates down the front of his tunic.
...............Prefect Nummskaul was nervous, his voice soft and shaky now that he had Your Exalted Lordship KH’s full attention. “Your Exalted Lordship KH, we have reason to believe…,” Nummskaull began.
...............“We? We? Who are we?” Your Exalted Lordship KH interrupted.
“I represent my…my…my people, the Dingbattes,” Prefect Nummskaul stammered.
...............“Oh yeah, the stupid ones,” Your Exalted Lordship KH said softly as he sat back on his throne and belched. He popped another date in his mouth and began crunching hard. “Go on,” he added through a mouthful of chew up date.
...............Prefect Nummskaul paused long enough to bow, then continued. “Your Exalted Lordship KH, I come before you to ask your assistance in a matter of grave import. We have reason to believe that the Intellectarians plan to invade and conquer our city, carry away our women. We ask your wise council for measures to prevent this act.”
...............“Hmph, carry away your women; not a bad ide…” Your Exalted Lordship KH muttered under his breath. He stopped in mid-sentence, collecting his idle thoughts of salacious abandon, then peered at Prefect Nummskaul once again. “Intellectarians, you say. The smart ones. Hmmm…,” he paused, his eyes becoming distant, his thumbs twiddling, as he formulated a faultless and absolutely foolproof plan as only Your Exalted Lordship KH could.
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH suddenly sat up tall on his throne as a grin crawled across his face. The light of a complex and elaborate plan realized shown on his features, a plan he knew this nitwit numbskull Nummskaul could never begin to contemplate. He chuckled, a chuckle from deep within his bloated belly. “Your city will be safe,” Your Exalted Lordship KH chuckled, dismissing Prefect Nummskaul with a downward fluttering of his fingers in the form of a rude gesture of dismissal. “I will send my daughter with instructions on what to do. Now go away.”
...............“Thank you, Your Exalted Lordship KH,” Nummskaul whispered as he began to back away, repeatedly bowing his head. “We shall await your wise and generous council.”
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH watched until Prefect Nummskaul had disappeared from sight. He then shook his head and sighed as he reached for the secret compartment on the side of his throne. “The things I do for these idiots,” he voiced his thoughts aloud as he produced the old rotary dial telephone from the secret compartment.
...............Cinching the receiver between his head and shoulder, he dialed a number, 1-900-YUR-MAMA, and waited for the connection to be made. It was made and he grinned, his eyes lighting up. “Yeah, Bertha, this is your Huhtie baby!” There was a pause as Bertha replied, evidently saying something disgusting, judging by Your Exalted Lordship KH’s response. “Ooooh, baby, you betcha! Maybe tonight! Yeah yeah, all night long! That’s right, baby! All night long!!” Your Exalted Lordship KH paused on the discourse of plans for the night, and returned to the pressing matters at hand. “Ah, anyway, tell my daughter, Cleopatti, to get over here right away, will ya?! And, ah, while you’re at it…,” he paused, sighing in a tone of disgusting despair at the thought of what he was about to say, “…if you have any idea where they’re at, might as well tell those three slimy grease ball idiot nephews of mine to come too.” There was another pause as Bertha spoke, then: “Yeah, baby. Yeah, that’s right. Okay, tickle tickle tickle.” Your Exalted Lordship KH chuckled, then hung up the phone.
...............The bloated buffoon KH breathed a sigh of relief as he sat back on the throne. He paused a moment, turned his eyes to the monitor, and on second thought, switched it back on. The chariot races were over, and on the screen appeared an announcer - a goofy looking fellow really.
...............“Okay kiddies, don’t touch that dial,” the goofy looking announcer was saying, returning from a station break. He added in his best tongue-in-cheek happy-go-lucky screaming promotional voice, “Stay tuned cause comin right up we have Uncle Dave’s…Revolving Nuclear Zoo Machine…Saturday Morning…Shoooooowww!! And here he is! Your uncle and my uncle; eeeeeevvvvverybody's uncle!! Uncle...Daaaavvvveee!”
...............“Sheesh!” Your Exalted Lordship KH grumbled as he switched the monitor off again. “The things kids see on TV these days!”

* * * * *

...............The three Huht cousins live in a hut. Naturally! It’s a hut in space, a space hut, not a hut on the ground. Actually it isn’t much of a hut at all really, more like a garbage dump. Trash is heeped everywhere - in fact, it IS a garbage dump. The Slagheep Orbital Refuge & Trashheep Depository, situated in an elliptical orbit some 435,000 miles (on average) above Slagheep. The idea was to get all the trash off Slagheep, including the Huht cousins (“trash goes out with the trash” I think the reference was). Thus, the Huht cousins were made the proprietors of the SOR&TD.
...............To put it mildly, in the softest and kindest terms I can, if there were any dimmer than King Dimmwitt, any more numbskullier than Prefect Nummskaul, any more dingbatteier than the Dingbatte people, any more moronic in the truest definition of the term…MORON!…well, yeah, that would be the Huht cousins - good ole Ollie, Varnie, and Bernie. All of them slobbering buffoons! Goofy as goofy can be!
...............You know, it’s rather difficult to explain the Huht cousins. All three are vile and disgusting, slow of wit, VERY wide of girth, and generally just all around scum. Yet, they do have their distinguishing characteristics. Take Ollie for example, a self proclaimed martial artist. About the only things he’s ever fought have been a couple of trash heeps here and there, and an old dining room chair (he nearly lost that contest!). Then there’s Bernie, the self professed private eye. He makes for quite a scene in his frock coat (that he can’t button, of course, due to his VERY wide girth), and spy glass that you’d swear he had attached to his face. He’s always stumbling around, hunched, spy glass to face, muttering “hmmmmm” to everything he looks at. Then there’s Varnie, perhaps the worst of the three. He’s just an out and out louse. A slobbering belching skirt chasing louse. And a major fan of Uncle Dave’s Revolving Nuclear Zoo Machine Saturday Morning Show (no accounting for taste, of course).
...............Now, although they are cousins to one another, they are not brothers. Still, the three of them have one thing in common (perhaps Uncommon?), and that is their uncle -- Your Exalted Lordship KH. Yes, the very same. And when their uncle, Your Exalted Lordship KH, summoned them, they listened.
...............“HeeeeeeeeeeYAH! Whooooo yah NAH!” Ollie was growling threateningly in his best high pitched martial artist’s voice as he circled the cob web shrouded coat tree. The phone suddenly rang, and Ollie jumped, turned a one eighty in the air toward the sound of the phone, and came back down on both feet with a piercing vocal “Whoooyyaaaah YAH!”
...............Bernie’s spy glass eye went wide, his eyebrow arching above the rim of the spy glass. He leaned over, bringing the spy glass close to the phone. “Hmmmmmm,” he said softly, then belched, the phone still ringing.
...............Oblivious to the ringing phone was that ole scumbag Varnie. He sat in a dust covered collapsing chair (due to his weight), feet propped up on a collapsing coffee table (due to the weight of his feet), watching a small black and white portable television set that was about ready to fall off the collapsing coffee table. On the screen was his favorite show, Uncle Dave’s Revolving Nuclear…yeah, that show. A scantily clad young woman was walking across the screen with an alluring grin on her face, and characteristic of that scum Varnie, he leaned forward and blurted out, “Huh huh huh…you married?”
...............But as Varnie knew, she was the Uncle Dave Sing-Along-Girl, and she was about ready to announce the Sing-Along segment of the show (Varnie really liked the Sing-Along segment; he always joined in). Varnie’s eyes grew bright and expectant as the Uncle Dave Sing-Along-Girl announced the Dappy Doozle Song, one of Varnie’s favorites. And as the singing started, Varnie joined in, bouncing on the collapsing chair, clapping his hands, brightly grinning, and blurting out the words (belching in between) while watching the Uncle Dave Sing-Along-Girl and the children on the screen clapping and singing along too!
...............And Varnie sang gleefully, the chair moaning on the edge of oblivion, “A ding a ding a derry…(belch)…a dappy dappy doozy, a dappy doozle doozle…(belch).” Then the chair collapsed. Varnie fell to the floor in a cloud of vile dust, and broke out in a guttural noxious roaring laughter. “Huh huh huh, huh huh huh.” He continued to laugh as he grabbed a nearby piece of paper and a pencil to record the words of his favorite song.
...............“Hmmmmm,” Bernie suddenly said. “Uncle KH wants ta see us! That was Bertta baby on da phone!” (Oh yeah, the phone. Remember the phone? It was ringing).
...............“Huh huh huh, Bertta baby,” Varnie, still scrawling the lyrics, echoed Bernie’s words.
...............“HiiiiiiiiiiiiYAH!” Ollie added.
...............“Ah, hmmmmmmmmm,” was Bernie’s carefully calculated analytical conclusion.
...............And with Varnie stuffing the words to his favorite song into his soiled T-shirt pocket, the three of them shambled out of their space hut to the docking port where their small rickety smoke belching trash collector ship waited. It was a short flight from their Space Dump to Uncle KH’s (oops, Your Exalted Lordship KH’s) clearing on Slagheep.

Part 2: Subterfuge and the Trojan Sphynx

...............“Golly gee, daddy, I don’t know” Cleopatti was saying as she scratched her scalp under her long black hair which is actually a wig.
...............Although not under the same mythical delusion as her father, Cleopatti none-the-less dressed in the same style of Your Exalted Lunatic’s mythical make believe desert kingdom. If anything, it was moreso to appease him rather than to have to listen to his raving lunacy about proper desert attire. About her neck she wore an elaborate jeweled necklace, the centerpiece being the jade figure of a bug, something Cleopatti’s father had called a scarab. Around her head she wore a jeweled head band fronted with a golden duo-snake head ornament, one of those snakes with the hooded neckline.
...............She was clothed in an ankle length white silken gown with one breast exposed, something Your Exalted Lunaticship had insisted upon, claiming to have seen something similar in his delirium (dream), a similar figure painted on a wall in some tomb! Now if that doesn’t prove it, his lunacy, I don’t know what will! I mean, imagine that! Paintings on the walls of tombs! How stupid! How ludicrous! The next thing he’ll be saying is that these Egyptians had people with bird heads and cat heads and bull heads, oh my! Or some other nonsense!
...............“Believe me, my daughter, it will work fine,” Your Exalted Lordship KH replied. “Just tell Dimmwitt to arm his people and march to the gate of the Intellectarian city. You lead them.”
...............Cleopatti remained quiet for a moment, her mind seething over the second half of Your Exalted Lordship KH’s plan. She paced back and forth before the pyramid throne. The only thing she could think of was disaster. Unmitigated, unbridled, total and absolute disaster. “Daddy, do you really think that’s gonna work? I mean, you know…Ollie, Varnie, and Bernie…well, I know they’re stupid, but…”
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH sat back and sighed. He stared across the clearing and into space, his eyes vacant (which they are most of the time), his mind deep in thought (which it isn’t most of the time). He didn’t like the idea of trusting the entire success of the plan to those three loathsome varmints, but he had no choice. It had seemed the perfect plan when he had first thought of it, but now, dwelling on the scum cousins, his very own nephews, he winced at the thought. He was beginning to doubt his own plan.
...............“Well, we’ll just have to risk it,” Your Exalted Lordship KH said softly, adding as he glanced at Cleopatti, “But I trust you will see it through successfully should anything go wrong.”
...............Cleopatti remained silent, staring up through her big brown forlorn eyes. She nodded.
...............“Then you’d better be on your way unless you wanna hang around long enough to say hello to your cousins,” Your Exalted Lordship KH said.
...............Cleopatti’s eyes went wide. “Hell no!” she exclaimed. “Are you nuts!? It’s enough that I’m gonna have to put up with them at the Intellectarian City!”
...............“That’s my girl!” Your Exalted Lordship KH laughed, a big barrel belly laugh, anatomically gifted to perform such a laugh very well.
...............“I’m outta here! Splitsville, man!!” Cleopatti roared, and she was gone.
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH sat back and grinned. The grin instantly turned to a frown, realizing that his slothic scummy nephews were on their way.

* * * * *

...............Something dark and ominous loomed on the horizon. It sputtered, burned oil, belched smoke. It lurched side to side, barely able to stay airborne. It clanked and rattled through the sky, bits and pieces of it falling off as it approached the clearing where rested the throne, the pyramid, and the voluminous bulk of Your Exalted Lordship KH.
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH shook his head in disgust, muttering another of his impressive and profound phrases of the wise and knowledgeable, “Oh no.” He squished himself back on his throne as far as he could as he watched the shadow of the flying bucket of trash slowly cross into the clearing. Don’t EVEN land that trash can on top of me, his mind shouted as he glanced up at the descending ship.
...............Just like the piece of garbage it is, and the three pieces of garbage it contained, the ship hovered shakily above the ground, seemingly shaking itself apart, trying to center a landing spot before the great pyramid throne. Then it began a slow noisome smoke belching descent.
...............The thing descending was a big round thing with a bubble on top, kind of like one of those saucer things that flies. It wheezed and rattled and clanged and clamored and sputtered and snorted, bits and pieces of it still falling off. Three legs extended from beneath it as it neared the ground, and when it touched down, one of the legs collapsed, causing the saucer thing to tilt at an angle. There was a sudden loud bang followed by something that sounded like a loud, long, and agonizing hiss. A black putrid cloud billowed into the air from behind it, and then suddenly everything was quiet.
...............“Why me?” Your Exalted Lordship KH voiced his thoughts softly as he shook his head.
...............Like three more pieces of garbage falling off the rattle trap ship, THEY suddenly appeared from inside. Your Exalted Lunatic grimaced as he watched his three nephews shambling toward the throne, wheezing and belching disgustingly like the garbage scow they arrived in.
...............Bernie had his eyes plastered to the spy glass as he circled the throne, taking close note of the plastic palm leaves. Your Exalted Buffoon growled under his breath, but Bernie paid no attention. “Hmmmmmm,” Bernie said softly, noting the strange construction of the palm leaves.
...............Varnie crossed in front of the throne, a big stupid grin on his face, planning on showing off for his uncle. “Huh huh huh…dappy…dappy…DOOZYYY!!” Varnie sputtered, starting a dance routine. Your Exalted Goof slapped a hand across his eyes and turned his head to keep from looking at Varnie’s sickening display of stupidity.
...............“HiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiYAH hoooowwYAT!” Ollie cried out, three octaves above his normally high pitched piercing, ear drum splitting, squealing whiny voice. Your Exalted Bloated Lordship KH turned his eyes back in time to see Ollie perched in something he called a crane stance. It certainly made a mockery of birds!
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH had had enough. The sooner these three mongrels were outta there, the better. He leaned forward on his throne, his knuckles white on the edge of the throne arms, his eyes wide and glaring. “All right! All right! Shut up!”
...............A silence descended, Bernie still inspecting a plastic leaf, Ollie balanced in his crane stance, and Varnie gazing up at his uncle from the base of the pyramid, the big stupid grin still on his face. “Huh huh huh,” Varnie said softly. But Your Exalted Lordship KH ignored him as he leaned over the side of the throne and slapped Bernie away from the plastic palm leaves.
...............Bernie stepped backward, glancing up at the large rounded seething eyes of his uncle, the near growling gritting teeth, and the date scum on his chin, all seen and amplified, of course, through the spy glass. “Hmmmm,” Bernie ventured softly as he rounded the pyramid to stand next to Varnie, Your Exalted Lordship KH never taking his eyes from him.
...............“Now, shut up and listen!” Your Exalted Lordship KH shouted, his words quick and heated. He paused as he leaned back on his throne, his bulbous hands still wrapped around the ends of the throne arms, his knuckles still white. His voice softened ever so slightly as he added, “I have a very very important project for you knucklehea…er, dear boys.”
...............“Huh huh huh,” Varnie belched softly, still grinning that big stupid grin.
...............“Now listen very carefully,” Your Exalted Lordship KH began, “I want you to take my Trojan Sphynx to the gate of the Dingbatte city. Once you get it there, climb inside and wait. Cleopatti will meet you there.”
...............“Huh huh huh, Cleopatti,” Varnie mumbled.
...............“Now, do you understand what I said? Take it to the Dingbatte city,” Your Exalted Lordship repeated, his words deliberately slow and drawn. “Remember, the Dingbatte city. That’s D-i-n-g-b-a-t-t-e, Dingbatte.”
...............“Huh huh huh, Bingdatte,” Varnie mumbled. “Bingdatte.”
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH leaned forward, raising his hands. “That’s all you gotta do,” he said. “Don’t do anything else, just take the sphynx to the gate and wait inside! Don’t even so much as breath!” Your Exalted Lordship suddenly rolled his head back and turned his eyes to the sky. The thought had suddenly struck home, a wishful thought, a thought worth pleading to the gods about. “Oh Great Osiris,” he muttered his thoughts softly. “If only they wouldn’t breath! Is that so much to ask?!”
...............But Varnie had heard his uncle’s whispered thoughts, and his big stupid grin got bigger and more stupid. “Huh huh huh! No breath! Huh huh huh!” he belched.
...............“HeeeeeeeeeeeeYAH! OoooooJAH!” Ollie replied, jumping out of his crane stance.
...............“Hmmmm,” Bernie gurgled softly as he stepped forward. “Where sphynx?”
...............“In the name of Osiris, where in all the Underworld do you THINK it is?!” Your Exalted Lordship KH exploded, and pointing, he added, “In the parking lot on the other side of the hedge row, parked right next to my pink caddy! Where else would it be, you nitwits!”
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH sat back and sighed as the three nitwits shuffled away toward the parking lot. He shook his head again in disgust as they disappeared through the hedge row. The King’s eyes fell on the scrap heep parked in front of his throne. If that thing doesn’t fly when they get back… He suppressed the thought, a thought to terrible to contemplate. Just the idea of having that thing littering is pristine clearing, the glory that is his realm, was enough to make him sick. And what was worse was the passing thought of being stuck with his disgusting nephews until such a time that someone would afford them a ride home to their trash heep space hut. And Your Exalted Lordship KH knew that there was no one in all of Slagheep that would volunteer for such a deplorable venture.
...............His thoughts turned to the stupidity of his nephews. And he smiled, then chuckled softly. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would bungle the job. Take the Trojan Sphynx to the gate of the Dingbatte City, he had told them. He made that clear in no uncertain terms, even spelled it out for them. “Stuuuuuuuuuuupid stupid stupid STUPID!” he began to belly laugh aloud as the thought crossed his mind, knowing that those three nitwits with the Trojan Sphynx would end up at the gate of the Intellectarian City instead, and Cleopatti and a force if Dingbatte’s would join them there.
...............“Wait till the Intellectarians get a load of those three buffoons!” Your Exalted Lordship KH laughed his thoughts aloud. “That’ll scare ‘em into obedience! Or they’ll all die laughing at the sight of ‘em!” He erupted in another spasm of belly laughter, and then added in a self congratulatory self centered egotistical exalting tone of voice, "Oh, I’m so brilliant that I scare myself sometimes!”

* * * * *

...............The Trojan Sphynx had been a pet project of Your Exalted Lordship I’ll-Get-Some-Lackey-Idiot-To-Build-The-Damn-Thing-For-Me KH. And he did get some lackey idiot else to build it, a lot of lackey idiots - conscripted from neighboring farming villages. And when it was done, it was bigger than a bread box! Hell, it was bigger than a house! It was REALLY BIG! It took up four spaces in the parking lot!
...............It was rumored that the design of the Trojan Sphynx came from the delirium…eh, dream, of the King. It was the body of a reclining lion with the head of a man, presumably a caricature of Your Exalted Lordship KH himself. And for some unknown and totally odd demented reason, Your Exalted Doofless Lordship KH had the nose of the Trojan Sphynx broken off after it had already been completed. Something about a napoleon and cannons - whatever they are. No doubt just another fit of madness.
...............The sphynx was built of wood and painted in gaudy colors. The head sported a headdress much like the one the King wore, edged in golden thread (painted threads on the sphynx, of course) with alternating blue and white stripes. The body of the lion was painted in an off-yellow, the toes a slightly darker shade. The undercarriage of the sphynx was a wooden frame which rested on four huge circular wooden wheels.
...............Though spawned from a dream of this imaginary land the King called Egypt, Your Exalted Lordship KH assumed total credit (naturally) for the design and naming of the Trojan Sphynx. Its purpose was that of a war machine. A silly purpose when you really think about it! The idea was to hide an army inside, then place it close to the gate of an enemy city (as a gift; yeah, right!) for a surprise attack. Now who would ever fall for such a stupid trick? Evidently Your Exalted Lordship KH thought the Intellectarians would.
...............And the name? Trojan Sphynx? No one can remember the King ever giving a satisfactory explanation for that. It was rumored the King had at first thought of calling his pride and joy war machine the Trojan Horse, but recanted. After all, it was another silly demented idea. Who ever heard of such a thing as a Trojan Horse? Ridiculous! Ludicrous! Horses weren’t Trojans! Then again, no one in all of Slagheep knew what a Trojan was anyway much less a horse! Thus, no satisfactory explanation.
...............“Bingdatte, huh huh huh,” Varnie cackled as they crossed the parking lot to the Trojan Sphynx. “Bingdatte!”
...............“Hmmmmmm,” Bernie said, the spy glass plastered to his eye as he closely inspected one of the huge toes of the wooden structure.
...............Then after a few “huh huh huhs” from Varnie and an occasional belch, the three of them gathered hold of the huge rope that was tied around the neck of the sphynx and began to pull the great wooden beast across the parking lot toward the narrow earthen road that wound away into the hills beyond the clearing. Onto the narrow road they went, crossing hill and dale until they reached a fork in the road.
...............At the fork there were two road signs, the sign heralding the left fork as the way to the Intellectarian city and the right fork as the way to the Dingbatte city. While Bernie inspected both signs closely, Ollie took the time to practice a few precise martial arts movements while Varnie stood stupidly by, stupidly grinning, stupidly scratching his head.
...............“Hmmmmm,” Bernie said softly, eye and spy glass on the Intellectarian sign.
...............“HooooooooYAH!” Ollie said, still practicing.
...............“Huh huh huh,” Varnie belched stupidly.
...............And after Ollie had finished his practice, they gathered the rope again, and moved off down the road, taking the left fork toward the city of the Intellectarians. Just as Your Exalted Lordship KH knew they would. Some slobs are just plain stupid!

* * * * *

...............The clouds of war were gathering. A dark horde of human stupidity rolled across the landscape. Lead by Cleopatti, a great war force of the Dingbattic peoples were moving toward destiny, toward what they hoped would be a glorious victory. Cleopatti walked with a purpose, determined, a glint in her narrowed eyes, a great sword in her hand. She loved a great fight.
...............It was a ragtag force at best that probably wouldn’t be able to fight their way out of a wet taunga hide. If they had to perpetuate the attack, and their victory resting solely on their shoulders, Cleopatti just might as well have stayed home and played tiddly winks or pinochle. Yet, victory was not resting with this force of idiocy.
...............Believe it or not, victory for the Dinbattes rested with those scum buckets - the Huht cousins. Now there is no physical act of violence they could have perpetrated to subdue the Intellectarian city. After all they are nothing but three lazy tubs of greasy lard without a lick of sense between them. So, how does this victory come about? What was this great and cunning plan of Your Exalted Lordship KH?
...............Easy. The mere presence of those three goofs would do the trick. Their mere presence alone is enough to scare anyone, even the Intellectarians, in to handing over the golden keys to the city. And per chance, per very very slim chance that fright does not do the trick, then Your Exalted Lordship KH was certain that the Intellectarians would do anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to be rid of those three disgusting slime bucket clods, even hand over their city to the Dingbattes. All the Dingbattes had to do was to show up!
...............Thus, the Dingbatte war force lead by Cleopatti was on its way. So were those three good-for-nothing goofs, bringing the subterfuge in the form of the Trojan Sphynx. Oh, it was going to be a dark and rather…stupid…day in the city of the Intellectarians. Yet, there was one very very important item that Your Exalted Lordship KH hadn’t counted on, one unexpected detail. And as stupid luck would have it, it would work in favor of the Dingbattes.

Part 3: The Indecipherable Message & the War That Wasn’t

...............Now of course the Intellectarians were a smart people. That’s why they gave themselves the name Intellectarian. Smart, eh? Still, for as smart as they were (and are), at times they couldn’t see the proverbial forest from the trees. And this was one such occasion - the appearance of the Trojan Sphynx at their gate.
...............Now, the simple fact that they woke up this one morning (it had taken the three goof balls a day to get there) and found this huge strange looking wooden thing at their gate, and thought nothing of it other than perhaps a gift from the gods leaves a lot to be desired. Almost makes you question their intelligence. Let’s look at this logically. Doesn’t it seem odd indeed to find this strange wooden thing at the gate when no such strange wooden thing had ever ever, for as long as anyone could remember, appeared at the gate before? And more so, a strange wooden thing whose face appeared in the ridiculous likeness of Your Exalted Lordship KH? Most certainly these Intellectarians, for all their so called intelligence, knew Your Exalted Lordship KH?? Seems impossible they wouldn’t! And what about those strange disgusting gurgling and belching sounds coming from within the strange wooden structure?
...............Never-the-less, the Intellectarians paid no mind to the strange noises within, paid no mind to the fact that things just didn’t seem right, paid no mind of the horde of stupidity that was bearing down on them from across the plains before the city. No, no mind at all (am I seeing a pattern here?), and instead they brought this strange wooden thing through the gate and into their city. And, if that wasn’t enough, someone not so smart, someone actually a bit stupid, left the gate of the city standing wide open!
...............Everyone was oooing and ahhing as they timidly approached the great and wondrous structure. Even the Intellectarian Council of Elders were in awe of such regal splendor as this wooden structure seemed to be. And as the masses of intelligence circled the great wonder, that one little uncounted on item (Remember? That little event Your Exalted Lordship KH hadn’t counted on in all his meticulous planning?) suddenly happened.
...............A sudden guest of wind cut through the planking of the Trojan Sphynx, lifting a piece of paper from the fingers of Varnie. It was a piece of paper with words written on it, a piece of paper that Varnie had been stupidly smiling at, and softly (and disgustedly) singing to himself. As if preordained by fate, the wind carried this piece of paper through the Trojan Sphynx and between the planking to the outside world before Varnie could recapture his prize. Heartbroken and whining, Varnie stomped toward the rear of the Sphynx where his two sloppy cousins were reclining while the piece of paper fluttered harmlessly to the ground outside.
...............Truly a gift of the gods, was one Council Elder’s thought as the paper fluttered to the ground at his feet. He stared at the paper, then picked it up! There were more ooos and ahhs as the crowd gathered around to see these divine words of truth and wisdom. The Council Elder studied them, taking glory in their hidden meaning, wanting so desperately to understand. He knew if he could decipher the meaning behind these divine cryptic words, then the knowledge added to their already vast pooled warehouse of knowledge would be greatly enhanced.
...............A sudden hush fell upon the crowd as the Council Elder began to read the cryptic words of the gods, his voice soft and halting, unsure of himself, “A ding…a ding…a derry…a dappy dappy…doozy.” He paused, his mind lost in thought, his eyes vacant, then added, voicing his thoughts aloud with awe, “Truly the magnificent words of the gods.”
...............Astonished, astounded, mystified, stupefied, in total unbridled awe were the entire populace of the Intellectarian city as they gathered around the Trojan Sphynx and the Council Elder who held the message which had fluttered down From Above. As did the unexpected event of the mysterious words befall the Intellectarians, the expected events did as well. Inside the Sphynx the heartbroken Varnie tumbled over his two dirt bag cousins, causing the three of them to tumble out of the Sphynx’s ass like three piles of shit, the three of them plopping to the ground.
...............But, none of the mesmerized Intellectarians paid them any heed! No one cared as Varnie said, “Huh huh huh!” No one listened to Bernie saying “Hmmmm” as he picked up the broken shards of his spy glass. No one saw Ollie as he jumped into a crouching stance with a high pitched whiny “HeeeeeeeeeeeYAH WhoooooooAH!”. And most importantly of all, no one paid any attention, nor much less cared, as the Dingbattes lead by Cleopatti swarmed through the gates into the Intellectarian City.
...............“Ah shucks!” Cleopatti said dejectedly as she stopped just inside the gate. Primed for a fight, she had expected some sort of resistance, but there was none. “This is no fun.” She shrugged her shoulders, felt nauseated as she glanced at her three vile and disgusting cousins, then watched her charges swarm around the gathered Intellectarians who themselves were gathered around the Intellectarian Elder and the Trojan Sphynx.
...............The cheering victorious Dingbattes suddenly fell silent as the Intellectarian Elder began to read the words again. “A ding…a ding…a derry…a dappy dappy…doozy.” The magic words had the same profound affect on the Dingbattes. They gathered close, in awe, listening to the mysterious words of the gods. And by nightfall, the war that was almost a war but wasn’t a war WAS a faded memory.
...............Intellectarian and Dingbatte alike were reveling side by side, together, sharing the great and wondrous words which had brought them together in peace! There was great feasting. There was music and dancing in the streets. Everywhere everyone was singing the great and wondrous words! “A ding a ding a derry a dappy dappy doozy!” It rang out everywhere, in alleys, from rooftops, from the gate towers, even from the royal palace of the city. It was a raucous and joyous celebration which lasted long into the night. And all knew that when morning came, it would be a different world. Peace would prevail across the land, a dappy dappy doozy land at that!

Epilogue: “…they always said blondes are bimbos, but I have a doctorate in Quantum Physics…”

...............Now the tale of the war that was almost a war but ending up not to being a war could have ended there. And for all intents and purposes, it DID end there. However, a minor incident did occur post-misplaced-hostilities. I say this now only because the ‘war that wasn’t’ was indirectly responsible for the minor incident which was, sadly, a casualty. The only casualty of the war that wasn’t.
...............Of course whether the History of Slagheep or The Riffhaven Chronicles records such AS a casualty (or a blessing) is yet to be ascertained. Suffice it to say that many view this event with trepidation while others view it with a major major sigh of relief! Who should be right, if any should be, is entirely up to those who view the incident according to the dictates of their own hearts and minds.
...............Thus, leading up to this minor incident, the ‘war that wasn’t’ was a day gone. The participants in the merrymaking the night before were sleeping off their merrymaking all about the city of the Intellectarians. Only four were on the move, walking across the bright morning landscape, walking toward the clearing which was the realm of Your Exalted Lordship KH. And of course these four were the lovely and voluptuous Cleopatti, and those three slothic scums - the Huht cousins.
...............As the three scum balls shambled and stumbled on, Cleopatti hurried ahead of them, trying to keep distance between herself and her three disgustingly lecherous belching cousins. And thus it was all the way back to the clearing, Cleopatti hurrying in the lead, listening to Varnie’s belching lewd and lascivious remarks about her exposed breast, listening to the “Hmmms” of Bernie as he inspected everything he could see through his broken spy glass, and the incessant martial arts posturing and positioning of that disgusting clod, Ollie.

Greasy, slimy, soggy too!
Deep fried Huht Rinds!
The treat for you!!

...............Cleopatti heard the television commercial jingle as she stumbled into the clearing. Her father stared mesmerized at his TV monitor, rocking his head back and forth to the song, his eyes glazed, a low guttural grunt escaping his lips in tune to the jingle.
...............Suddenly the three belching baffoons appeared behind Cleopatti. “Huh huh huh, Huht Rinds! Yummy yummy!” Varnie murmured, hearing the TV commercial.
...............The sound of Varnie’s slothic stupid voice intruded upon Your Exalted Lordship KH’s magical reverie. The King’s stupid grin turned to a frown as he turned his eyes to the four standing before the throne. “Well?” Your Exalted Lordship KH growled, his contemptuous tone of voice directed more at the seething slime of humanity that stood behind Cleopatti.
...............But it was Cleopatti who answered. “Nodda problem, daddy!”
...............Your Exalted Lordship KH sat back and sighed. “Good. Good,” he said again, then turned his eyes to the grinning, stupid imbeciles standing behind Cleopatti. He leaned forward on his throne, the throne groaning, his eyes growing wide, “You three, get back in the rattle trap garbage scow and get out of here!!!” Your Exalted Lordship KH said, his voice rising as he pointed toward the ship.
...............“Huh huh huh, garbage scow,” Varnie grunted with a big stupid grin on his face.
...............They did; they climbed into their garbage scow, gave a parting belch, the ship also giving a parting belch and clang, then the ship, clanging and rattling, swerved away into the clear skies of Slagheep as they headed home to their dump in space. And…nearly ran headlong into Billy Space Boy who was careening through the upper atmosphere of Slagheep on his Mark 8 Super Space Ranger Sky Cycle.
...............Billy swerved his Mark 8 to avoid collision with the garbage scow ship, and lost control. He tried to back peddle, shifted the gears, then tried to break his descent with his hand brakes! Not an easy thing to do with a Mark 8 Sky Cycle. But it did no good. Billy careened out of control through the atmosphere, rapidly approaching the ground, and, as luck would have it, the clearing that is the realm of Your Exalted Lordship KH.
...............The Mark 8 and Billy crashed headlong into the throne of Your Exalted Lordship KH, killing the corpulent King instantly. Cleopatti stood next to the pyramid, her hands on her hips, gazing up at her dead father, the mass of twisted metal that was once the Mark 8, and the stupid looking farm boy with the thick coke bottle bottom eyeglasses.
...............“Golly!!!” Billy said, shaking the dizziness from his head. “Gee whizz!”
...............As stupid as the Huht cousins, but in a different way; as stupid as the Dingbattes, but in a different way - was this stupid farm boy known as Billy Space Boy. But there was a reason he had come to Slagheep, and time reveals all things (to use an oft over quoted cliché). Suffice it to say that Billy Space Boy had come looking for Uncle Riff.
...............“Here, let me help you down,” Cleopatti said as she helped Billy down from atop the pyramid throne.
...............“Oh, oh my,” he said as Cleopatti helped him to the ground, his eyes glancing up at the ruins of the Mark 8. “Oh my!”
...............“We’ll get someone to fix it,” Cleopatti said as she brushed him off.
...............Billy turned to her, his eyes (googled in the glasses) falling upon her exposed breast. “Oh my! Oh oh my! Golly gee!” he said, turning seven shades of red. “Oh golly gee whizz!” he added as he covered his eyes.
...............Cleopatti pulled his hand away from his face. “Don’t worry about it! Haven’t you ever seen a woman’s breast?”
...............“Ah, oh my!” was his response.
...............“Okay okay,” Cleopatti replied. “Calm down! What are you doing here?”
...............“Oh, oh my,” Billy said, collecting himself. “Uncle Riff, I need to see Uncle Riff.”
...............Billy’s purpose had taken Cleopatti by surprise, and she eyed him suspiciously out of the corner of her eyes. She knew that very few came looking for Riff, and when they did, it always concerned something that could alter the course of history, change the destiny of the galaxy! Cleopatti was a close confidant of Uncle Riff, and had been so for years.
...............Cleopatti suddenly sighed. She glanced up at the form lying dead and silent atop the throne. It was time for a change she decided, time to reveal her true self. This silliness of the stupid persona with the snake head band, black wig with bangs and such, just didn’t appeal to her. Thus, is one swift movement, she locked arms with Billy, then reached up, pulled her black wig from her head and tossed it aside. Billy gawked at the long wavy blonde hair that fell over Cleopatti’s shoulders. And she smiled at him.
...............“Okay, it’s Uncle Riff you want to see,” Cleopatti said with a new found confidence and air. “Uncle Riff it shall be! Come.” And she lead a surprised Billy away from the pyramid, picking up a line of conversation as the two of them started for Riffhaven. “You know, they always said blondes are bimbos, but I’ve got a doctorate in quantum physics…” she paused, laughed, then continued, “Yeah, in plasma and particle physics. Have you ever heard of the Sino-Celtic Concatenated Contra Wave Flow Function? You know -- everything is nothing, and by having a measure of nothing, in turn you naturally have a quantity of something!?! It’s commonly called the Sino-Celtic Theory!”
...............“Golly, gee whiz,” was all Billy could say as they left the clearing.
...............And why Billy? What is his connection to Uncle Riff? Or Cleopatti? What of the death of Your Exalted Lordship King Huht-Uncommon? Ah, but these are tales found elsewhere in The Riffhaven Chronicles.

NOT the end……NOT the beginning
somewhere smack dab in the middle!

RAN’S LITERARY WORLDS

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