...............Out in the wilds of Iowa rested a collection of weather beaten buildings commonly known as the Beanpole homestead. In the front yard of the farmhouse pranced a tall, gangly, nerdy goofball � the aforementioned ass-wipe. Dressed in a red and white horizontally stripped polo shirt, baggy Bermudas, high-top tennis shoes, and no socks, Billy Beanpole was a living caricature of maniacal comic relief that only a mother could love. And Mom Beanpole did (and does), in fact, love her Billy. Most everyone else gave him a wide berth. A very wide berth. It didn�t matter to Billy what they thought of him. He just continued to act stupid. It was a natural thing for him.
...............So on Billy pranced, waving his arms around in the air like a total ass-wipe idiot. Not a care in all the world. Suddenly an event happened that rarely happened in Billy�s life. A thought occurred to him. He stopped prancing, stopped waving his arms about, and stared stupidly into space like he was spaced out, like a space cadet, like a space case.
...............It's almost time for Uncle Dave, was the thought that had occurred to Billy. �It�s almost time for Uncle Dave,� he echoed his thought before he had time to forget it. �Golly gee!� With a big stupid grin on his face, he clapped his hands stupidly, and then stupidly pranced toward the house, stupidly waving his arms as he went. If ever there was a reason for an automated ass-kicking machine...

...............The Beanpole living room was sparsely furnished. A worn couch and chair; a plain coffee table on the verge of collapse. The carpet was tattered and soiled. The walls were undecorated, paint peeling where there was paint, wall paper peeling where there was wall paper. An old black and white television sat in one corner, barking the ear grating sound of kids cheering to some silly theme music. In the chair Mom Beanpole sat knitting, occasionally humming fragments of the silly theme music and glancing at the placard that decorated the television screen. The placard read � Uncle Dave�s Revolving Nuclear Zoo Machine Saturday Morning Show! with the exclamation point.
...............A sudden change in theme music tone and texture caused Mom Beanpole to pause in her knitting and lock her eyes on the television screen. The placard was gone. Now there was a studio sound stage with shimmering curtains in the background. And the same goofball Announcer was trotting to center stage as he did every Saturday morning. The kids in studio crowded the front of the stage. Some cheered, some threw spitballs, some flipped him the bird.
...............�Such nonsense,� an amused Mom Beanpole muttered and returned to her knitting.
...............On screen the theme music toned down. The Announcer turned to the audience, to the kids, to the camera, and grinned. �And now, kids,� he proclaimed. �Once again it�s time for Uncle Dave�s Revolving Nuclear Zoo Machine!�
...............Cheers and heckles went up again from the waiting kids. There was a commotion behind the curtain. The Announcer gestured to one side of the stage. He paused with uncertainty, and then announced: �Here he is, everybody's uncle, yours and mine! Uncle...Daaavvvee!�
...............Fighting with the curtain, Uncle Dave emerged. With a big goofy smile on his face, he skipped onto the stage and stumbled over a mop and bucket. He regained his skipping rhythm, skipped to center stage, and turned to face the booing and cheering kids, some of them still clapping hands, some of them still throwing spitballs, some of them now flipping Uncle Dave the bird.
...............�Hi, kiddies! Have I got a show for you today!� Uncle Dave roared happily. �We are going to draw and color pictures of your favorite hero!� He paused a split second, wiped a spitball from his forehead, and then pointed to himself and chuckled. �That's right! Me! Now, doesn't that sound like fun?!�
...............Like fingernails to a blackboard, the Uncle Dave Show blared from the box in the old weathered farmhouse. Mom Beanpole continued her knitting, stealing an occasional glance at the somewhat snowy black and white screen. Billy suddenly skipped into the room, humming the Uncle Dave theme song as he plopped himself down in front of the television just in time to see some greasy kid squirt Uncle Dave with a squirt gun.
...............�You shouldn't watch such things, Billy,� Mom Beanpole said with a frown. �Why don't you go outside and play in the cornfield?�
...............�Eehh, okay ma!� Billy said as he jumped to his feet.
...............�Turn off the television before you go, dear.� Mom watched him as he shut off the television, and then skipped out of the room. �My boy,� said a proud and smiling Mom Beanpole, battering her eyelashes. And she returned to her knitting.