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I Love These Jokes |
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1 |
A British Airways flight was going to Tehran from
London. When itgets close to Tehran it starts having some kind of
trouble. The pilot contacts the air tower at Tehran airport and asks for help: "Tehran, this Captain Smith, British Airways flight 110, do youread?" "flight 110, dis iz tehran felight contorol, go ahead" "tehran, this is flight 110, we have a problem" "dis iz tehran, vat kind of peroblem?" "this is flight 110, we have lost power to our engines, please advise" "dis iz tehran, i reed you, peleez check some things for me, ok?" "this is flight 110, go ahead" "dis iz tehran, can you get emergency pover to your engines?" "this is flight 110, negative, no power is available" "dis iz tehran, can you peleez bering your altitutde to 20,000 feet?" "this is flight 110, negative, our wing controls do not respond" "dis iz tehran, can you peleez see if you can lower your veels?" "this is flight 110, negative, landing gears are stuck" "dis is tehran, vould you peleeze repeet thez words after me" "this is flight 110, go ahead" "dis iz Tehran, repeat thez words peleeze: AShado ana la elAha elallAhva aShado ana Mohammadan rasul AllAh" ( I Beleive On God as the Only God, and Mohamad is his profit) |
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2 |
While
cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out
the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines
just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help." |
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3 |
for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday
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| 4 |
For
Blondes
How
many lead-singers does it take to change a light bulb? |
| 5 |
A
grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to
visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell". "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? "You're coming empty handed?" |
| 6 | A cop pulls over a car load of nuns.... Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119." |
| 7 | There's this really drunk guy, he's had like a twelve pack, and he goes into a bar. He says to the bartender, 'hey, give one beer', the bartender says, 'sorry buddy, youre too drunk, I can't serve you' So the guy leaves and goes into the same bar only from the back and says 'hey bartender, give me a beer' the bartender says, 'sorry man, too drunk' finally the drunk guy goes in from a side door and says, 'hey, give me a beer', the bartender says, 'How many times do I have to tell you man, YOU ARE TOO DRUNK!' At this the drunk says, 'Jesus Christ, how many bars do you work at?' |
| 8 | The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can." The professor said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back." The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation. The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question." |
| 9 |
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads, "WARNING: ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" |
| 10 |
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat." |
| 11 |
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." |
| 12 |
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." |
| 13 |
A
football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his
star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you
failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a
math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player
agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now
concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!" |
| 14 |
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! |
| 15 |
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY: Me! |
| 16 |
TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." |
| 17 |
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. |
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TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands |
| 19 |
Passengers
on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane Two
minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of the plane... " THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "
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| 20 |
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew. I'd
like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to
London. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If
you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life
raft with three people in it waving at you. This is a recorded message. |
| 21 |
The doctor took his
patient into the room and said, "I have some good
news and some bad news." The patient said,
"Give me the good news." "They're going to
name a disease after you." |
| 22 |
Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond. "John is that you?" Dave asked. "Yes, it's me," John replied. "This is unbelievable" Dave exclaimed. " So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven." "Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."
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| 23 |
Three Boy Scouts, in uniform, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard cries for help. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out. As it turned out, the man was Bill Clinton. The president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if here was anything he could do for them. "I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said. "No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?" "I'd sure love to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout. "We'll leave aboard her tonight," Bill replied. "I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third. "I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?" "You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"
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| 24 |
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely refuses. The lawyer persists and explains:" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines. The lawyer says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50". This catches the blonde's attention and, she agrees play. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out $5 and hands it to the lawyer. Now she asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with one three dicks, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital ellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. She takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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| 25 |
A young boy is playing with his train set in the living room while his mother cooks. He lets the train go around the track ten times, stops it, and says, "All you bastards who wanna get in, get in. All you bastards who wanna get out, get out." He lets the train go around another ten times, stops it, and again says, "All you bastards who wanna get in, get in." All you bastards who wanna get out, get out." With that, the mother comes storming into the living room and tells her son to go sit in the corner for one hour for speaking so filthily. One hour goes by and the mother tells the little boy that he can go back and play with his trains again. The little boy sends the train around the track ten times, stops it, and says, "All you bastards who wanna get in, get in. All you bastards who wanna get out, get out. Anybody got a complaint about the delay, go see the bitch in the kitchen."
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