Update from the Rams
Maine District Officeby Zack Neruda-contributed by PA Ram
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Here's my synopsis of the latest report.
Isaac Bruce is doing well right now because he found a way to take pressure off his hamstrings. He tapes Popsicle sticks around his leg. Dozens of them. The support his leg, he says. Apparently he got this idea from a "poor man's viagra" joke he heard. He insists that all his teammates have dozens of Popsicles each before practices. Kevin Carter has a special love for blueberry.
Bruce taunts Fletcher by calling him "my favorite little linebacker person." Fletcher tries to let these taunts slide, but he still shakes a bit and mumbles something about "the day of his wrath approcheth." Mike Jones says it is funny to see such a small guy get all biblical.
Vermeil is working on practice schedules. He has devised a scheme that allows players to be two places at once. Some of his coaches object that this violates the laws of physics. Vermeil insists that anything is possible "for those who want to succeed in life." Mike White has vowed despairingly that if he hears the phrase "in life" once more from any coach. not just Vermeil, he will not be held responsible for his actions.
Al Saunders inspires everyone by running up and down the field with his receivers shouting coaching tips at them after every play. I don't know though. He ran by me once regaling Az Hakim with his wisdom and I swear I heard him saying "but you don't understand--if Scully and Mulder sleep together it will upset the whole dynamic of the show."
My insider has been privy to several meetings between and among Vermeil, Armey, Zygmunt, and Shaw. Apparently, nothing happens much at these meetings. Everyone tells old bar hopping stories (except Shaw of course). When it comes time to make a decision, they all just look at each other, shrug, and laugh hysterically and make caustic jokes between the guffaws like "hey look at me! I'm a professional football exec! Woo woo!" Though sometimes when they're bored they find a computer and go online and read up on the Ramsboard "Front Office Debates." This is apparently a great source of humor to them.
Some of the players are concerned because Dexter McCleon does not fully comprehend how low the Rams sank last year. My insider has seen conversations where Todd Lyght tries patiently to explain that no, 4-12 means they LOST 12 games...that if they had WON 12 games, it would be the other way around, namely 12-4.
Grant Wistrom continues to gain weight and is sold on his program and recommends it to everyone. It apparently involves a lot of Sarah Lee Cheesecake and endless potato chips. The staff complains that his locker is just greasy with potato chip oil. He walks around shouting "I'm just big boned! Ha ha ha ha! I'm just big boned!" The latter behavior is apparently is a source of concern among some coaches and players.
The Orlando Pace incident brought wry nods of recognition from many players. "Man--Orlando is always arriving late to things" they keep saying.
What else? Oh yes. Trent Green irons his own uniform between practices.
Mike Martz may be a little on the fanatical side. He keeps shouting "you half to BECOME the ball" after every passing play. Many of the players resent all the references to Nietzsche and Sartre written into the playbook.
Well, that's enough for now. More late
This is a never before seen picture of the Rams Maine District Office where Zack gets all of his "RAMS DIRT" over bearclaws and coffee.