FLEISHMAN RISING ACT TWO

ACT TWO

Early autumn some years later. The beach is the same except that Madame Placata's tent has been replaced by a tiny bank with a single teller. Above the teller's window is a sign: PIER BANK. Below it: FREE PIZZA WITH EACH DEPOSIT!
At rise, a slightly older FLEISHMAN paces expectantly near the bench. He wears a business suit and carries a brief case. At the teller's cage, a FAT WOMAN is depositing a few coins to get her free pizza which she munches greedily. Throughout the first part of the act, SHE continues to deposit money and eat pizza. FLEISHMAN sits, stands, sits again, perusing a piece of paper which he keeps taking out and replacing in his brief case. Finally MARY ELLEN enters. She is older, more matronly. FLEISHMAN glances at his watch.

MARY ELLEN I tried to get away sooner, but Hal kept crying and Olivia came down again.
FLEISHMAN
With what?
MARY ELLEN
Gout.
FLEISHMAN
An eight year old with gout?!
MARY ELLEN
It's quite the rage. I know. I know what you're going to say. It's her diet. Well, perhaps it is. But children get bored so easily these days, why not indulge them with what gives them instant gratification?
FLEISHMAN
It was just that…
MARY ELLEN
                                                   (at the same time)
Now I've been…
                                                    (THEY both stop.)

MARY ELLEN
I'm sorry. Go ahead.
FLEISHMAN
I was going to say: it's just that I couldn't contain my excitement.
                                                    (extracting a rather miniscule piece of paper and waving it in the air)
Mary Ellen! After all these years I really think…
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman, I…
FLEISHMAN
This letter---this unassuming piece of paper…
MARY ELLEN
To say the least.
FLEISHMAN
This diamond I hold in my hand---somehow it makes everything worthwhile---the endless jobs, the scrimping, the waiting…
MARY ELLEN
Oh, Fleishman…
FLEISHMAN
You remember my mentioning Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton…
MARY ELLEN
No.
FLEISHMAN
That's because I never mentioned him. I was keeping Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton a secret. I'd mentioned too many others who never came through. This time I decided to be superstitious. The day I mailed my letter to him, I mailed my usual dozens of others. Yet somehow there was something about the name, Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton. Or maybe it was the place: Ghana. Bibiana, Ghana.
MARY ELLEN
Sounds like a popular song.
FLEISHMAN
In the first place I never expect an answer the same week. I gave up expecting that years ago. Secondly, I hardly anticipate uniform courtesy. I needn't review to you, of all people, the expletives, the threats, the poison pen letters and the occasional hair-raising drawings I've received from over fifty-seven countries. And all to a perfectly polite and rational inquiry: are you or are you not one of my missing sextuplets? But with Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton, I mailed my letter on a Thursday, and today, the following Wednesday, I was rewarded with this in my P.O. Box.
                                              (reading)
"Brother! It is with…"
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman. Before you go on, there's something I must talk to you about.
FLEISHMAN
Yes?
MARY ELLEN
I think we've gone as far as we can go.
FLEISHMAN
What!
MARY ELLEN
What I mean to say is…
FLEISHMAN
You're giving up. You won't meet me here anymore.
MARY ELLEN
That's not what I'm saying.
FLEISHMAN
Your husband---he finally put his foot down.
MARY ELLEN
Farineau? Good Lord, he's only a husband!
FLEISHMAN
Only a husband!?
MARY ELLEN
Oh, Fleishman, Fleishman. You don't understand this world at all.
FLEISHMAN
Perhaps. All I know is that one day you said you wouldn't be able to meet me for a week. A week later you were wearing a wedding band.
MARY ELLEN
I hate explanations---you know that.
FLEISHMAN
But there are times, Mary Ellen…
MARY ELLEN
When I ran away from home at eleven, I made no explanations. And when I came back at thirteen, I made no explanations. And I see no reason to do so now.
FLEISHMAN
I'm not asking for explanations, Mary Ellen. You met this man, you fell in love with him, you---
MARY ELLEN
Fell in love? With Farineau? Fleishman, really!
FLEISHMAN
But…
MARY ELLEN
Oh, I don't mean that as anything against Farineau. He's quite the perfect husband. He's safe and secure, a good provider, reasonably attractive, and he never talks during the TV shows. But no one falls in love anymore. Not after eleven---or twelve---or at the most fifteen. And everyone should be married sooner or later if only for tax reasons.
FLEISHMAN
I'm not married. I haven't been for years.
MARY ELLEN
That's perfectly fine for you, Fleishman. You weren't meant to be a husband. You were meant to be an ally. And husbands make lousy allies. Especially when they're good in bed. Anyway, I don't see how we got on this subject. I make it a point never to talk about Farineau or Hal or Olivia. I'm sorry I even mentioned the gout. I make it a point never to talk about them because what on earth is there to say about them? But as for you and your work, there is much to say. And that's what I started to tell you. I meant we've gone as far as we can go---on our own. We need outside help.
FLEISHMAN
But you haven't heard the letter!
MARY ELLEN
I've heard others.
FLEISHMAN
But Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton is different!
MARY ELLEN
So was Giuseppi Losorelli---
FLEISHMAN
That was an…
MARY ELLEN
And Brazzo Kabzoff---
FLEISHMAN
Oh, but…
MARY ELLEN
Now there's this man. He's very sweet and very intelligent. I met him at the Abyssinian War Relief.
FLEISHMAN
I never read the papers anymore.
MARY ELLEN
I beg your pardon?
FLEISHMAN
I didn't know there was a war in Abyssinia.
MARY ELLEN
There isn't. Not only that, but there's no Abyssinia any more, either.
FLEISHMAN
Then…?
MARY ELLEN
It's a wonderful excuse for us to all get together, collect money, eat and drink and feel useful. Anyway, about this man…
FLEISHMAN
Yes.
MARY ELLEN
He's an essential.
FLEISHMAN
Essential to what?
MARY ELLEN
To everything. They used to call them "agents". But a certain vulgar connotation to the word---a carry over from years and years ago---gradually changed it to "essential". Because no matter what you or I might think, Fleishman, they are essential.
FLEISHMAN
To finding five lost sextuplets?
MARY ELLEN
By all means. Huntington has some extremely clever ideas, and I think he's worth listening to.
FLEISHMAN
But we don't need him!
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman---
FLEISHMAN
Mary Ellen, just let me read you this, please.
                                                   (reading)
"Brother! It is with trembling hand and palpitating heart I received your most humble and beautiful communication."
MARY ELLEN
I don't trust him already.
FLEISHMAN
Mary Ellen, please!
                                                  (continuing)
"How can I describe the sudden surge of recognition which welled within my pulsating breast?"
MARY ELLEN
Sounds like a marionette with palsy.
FLEISHMAN
"How can I describe the instantaneous crystallization of vague, incoherent, evanescent ghosts of my past? Yes, yes, dear brother, I am one of you! Up till now I had been told I was simply one of triplets. And yet, in the dim, dark recesses of cognition…"
MARY ELLEN
He got all that on that?
FLEISHMAN
He has a very small handwriting. But so do I.
                                                 (continuing)
"And yet, in the dim, dark recesses of cognition, I remember snatches of ephemeral conversation between my mother and my father---snatches which made no sense to me then, but which now become fermented by your stirring communication. Somewhere Mama and Papa thought there were three others. This I remember clearly now. 'Merton,' Mama would say, 'Are you sure there were only three. It seemed to me I kept feeling more." And Papa would answer, "No, Finella, of course there were only three. If there were more, what could have happened to them?' Because they were wholesome, logical, middleclass English people, they would dismiss it as an impossibility. And also because they were wholesome, middleclass English people, they kept returning to it. Oh, dear, dear brother, write more! Write as soon as you can! Call collect if necessary. I remain your humble sextup---Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton." Well?
MARY ELLEN
Save the stamp for Farineau.
FLEISHMAN
That's all you can say! Save the stamp for Farineau!
MARY ELLEN
Oh, Fleishman, I remember…
FLEISHMAN
All right then. Here's the P.S. "Enclosed is a photograph of me and my two brothers. I fear it was taken some years ago. But it's the only one at my disposal. One of my brothers is unfortunately camera-shy I remain again your humble sextup, JBW."
                                                          (HE hands her the photograph.)

MARY ELLEN
It's a baby picture!
FLEISHMAN
He says it was taken some years ago. And don't you see?
MARY ELLEN
See what?
FLEISHMAN
The resemblance.
MARY ELLEN
Oh, Fleishman!
FLEISHMAN
There's a decided resemblance. You've never seen my baby pictures.
MARY ELLEN
Babies are like beagles. You can't tell them apart unless they happen to be yours.
FLEISHMAN
I tell you, there is a remarkable similarity. Not that we're all identical. I daresay one or two of us came in separate eggs. I can't imagine one egg holding all six. And very likely the hostile foreign power was considerate enough to allow the three from one egg stay and to abscond with the other three. (Upstage, YOUNG HOODLUM enters, goes to Teller's window, deposits a few coins, receives his pizza slice.) MARY ELLEN I think it's time to review the case of one Giuseppi Losorelli.
FLEISHMAN
All right, Mary Ellen, kill the whole project!
MARY ELLEN
I don't mean to be destructive, Fleishman. I detest those who dampen enthusiasm. My parents tried to do that with Ripper, because they were both so dry and frustrated and dead. But the fact remains that I cannot bear seeing you throw away a fortune bringing these con artists from their native lands and giving them a per diem to boot!
FLEISHMAN
It was in the old days---when I was still on quads---
MARY ELLEN
The first one I could understand. Brazzo Kabzoff was a Transylvanian who wanted desperately to get to this country. With his three brothers. Your letter provided the perfect opportunity.
FLEISHMAN
I had no way of knowing why he wanted to get to this country.
MARY ELLEN
So they all became citizens, got jobs with the State Department and stole secrets. Lots of people do that. I think the State Department wouldn't have been so upset if only one or two had stolen secrets. It was the idea of all four of them stealing secrets. If they had been really clever, one of them would have played the patriot, and eventually the whole thing would have blown over with reprimand rather than scandal. And it was most unfortunate you're being dragged into the case and indicted for espionage. You were exonerated, to be sure, and everything worked itself out. But the money, Fleishman! The money to bring all four of them here, the money for the trial…
FLEISHMAN
I made a mistake. All right.
MARY ELLEN
But then came Giuseppi Losorelli. And by the time you wrote to him, he wasn't even a quad. Nor a trip nor a twin.
FLEISHMAN
He was a snake.
MARY ELLEN
A rather clever snake. The letter you sent him was forwarded by his family in Sicily to his then present address.
FLEISHMAN
Please don't go on.
MARY ELLEN
I must. Of course, how were you to know that Giuseppi's three brothers had been killed many years before by the Cosa Nostra. I remember the day we met here and you showed me his photograph and you said, "Can't you see the resemblance? Why, it's uncanny!" That's a direct quote, too, Fleishman.
FLEISHMAN
I know, I know.
MARY ELLEN
The uncanny thing was that you thought there was a resemblance because the face looked so familiar. And well it should, since Giuseppi Losorelli was a wino who ran the newsstand on the corner of your street.
FLEISHMAN
I told you. I never read papers. I must have passed by his stand and…
MARY ELLEN
I'm not putting you on trial, Fleishman. I'm simply reminding you of the money again. Seeing the perfect opportunity for him, his wife and two children to have a free trip back to Sicily, he persuaded you to send him four round-trip tickets in case he and "his brothers" weren't happy in your country, The money for the round-trip tickets, the money for the best hotel in town. And because you were so sure that the Losorellis really were your brothers and that of course they'd stay and involve themselves in the international scandal and the sextet, the money to bribe the Immigration officials to push up the Sicilian quota.
FLEISHMAN
They never even returned it.
MARY ELLEN
So you see why I'm trying to…
FLEISHMAN
But with Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton…
MARY ELLEN
Yes, there is always the possibility. But I can't conceive of your continuing to hold down two jobs---in addition to a weekend job---and then squander your money in this fashion.
FLEISHMAN
But the hope, Mary Ellen! The hope that this time…
MARY ELLEN
That's precisely why I want you to speak to Huntington. He has a wonderful solution.
FLEISHMAN
How did he know that…?
MARY ELLEN
I told him. Besides, he vaguely remembered your name from the Kabzoff trial.
FLEISHMAN
The government never mentioned sextuplets.
MARY ELLEN
No, they called you a pervert and left it at that. The government's never had imagination.
FLEISHMAN
The whole thing was humiliating.
MARY ELLEN
Huntington said you should have struck then. In terms of utilizing the opportunity.
FLEISHMAN
The opportunity? Of being tried for espionage and exonerated as a pervert?
MARY ELLEN
Huntington is of the opinion that it's an ill wind which blows no good. Huntington is a pragmatist.
FLEISHMAN
And you want me to…?
MARY ELLEN
Just talk to him, Fleishman. See what he has to say. If you only knew what he's done for the Abyssinian War Relief.
FLEISHMAN
Considering there's not only no war in Abyssinia, but there's no Abyssinia. (Upstage YOUNG HOODLUM has finished his pizza. HE wipes his hands on his jeans and pulls a gun. FAT LADY drops her pizza, screams. YOUNG HOODLUM menaces her. TELLER hands him money. YOUNG HOODLUM rushes past Fleishman, overturning his briefcase so that dozens of letters fly in all directions.) FLEISHMAN Hey!
MARY ELLEN
                                                 (calling after Young Hoodlum)
Bastard! (SHE stoops to help FLEISHMAN retrieve the contents. During the ensuing dialogue, FAT LADY screams: "Help! Police! And TELLER presses a siren. POLICEMAN hurries on. TELLER and FAT LADY pantomime what has happened. ALL THREE go off in pursuit.) FLEISHMAN But, Mary Ellen, there's so much that's different about Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton. He sounds so learned, so sensitive, so different than the others. And his handwriting---it's very small---like mine.
MARY ELLEN
                                                (pointing to the letter)
No one's handwriting is as small as that.
FLEISHMAN
And I read you what he wrote. "Call collect if necessary." Call collect, Mary Ellen! No one else ever wrote that.
MARY ELLEN
It's not calling collect, Fleishman. It's seeing if he and his two brothers will come over on their own?
FLEISHMAN
I couldn't ask them to do that.
MARY ELLEN
Why not? He sounds as anxious as you.
FLEISHMAN
But I'm the instigator.
MARY ELLEN
                                                (with a deep sigh)
Oh, Fleishman. (YOUNG HOODLUM scurries on from stage left being chased by POLICEMAN, TELLER and FAT LADY. HE races off stage right with them following.) MARY ELLEN Sometimes I wish Madame Placata had never left.
FLEISHMAN
Yes. I wonder whatever happened to her. A few days after we met I came here and her tent was gone.
MARY ELLEN
The next day.
FLEISHMAN
No. Was it?
MARY ELLEN
Yes.
FLEISHMAN
It couldn't have been. Because the next day I came back and bought her book.
                                                (from the spilled contents he holds up a book)
"Instant Future".
MARY ELLEN
Then it must have been two days after.
FLEISHMAN
Perhaps. But the book was certainly worth it.
MARY ELLEN
You still use it?
FLEISHMAN
Not all the time. It's too much of a crutch. But now and again.
MARY ELLEN
And what does it say for this month? (THEY have finished placing the papers back in the brief case. FLEISHMAN sets the case near the bench.) FLEISHMAN Wonderful things. This is supposed to be the month.
MARY ELLEN
That's what you said about the month you brought over the Kabzoffs.
FLEISHMAN
Well, it was an exciting one, remember? The fact that it didn't come to fruition had more to do with my natal nativity and the aspects of Fleishman rising. You look skeptical.
MARY ELLEN
No. I quite believe in it---for the most part. I remember Ripper's sign the day he died. All of us girls used to follow the daily chart for each of the Butchers, but most especially for Ripper. In every paper in every country they played. I remember that morning in Rome. In the paper the advice for Ripper was: "Giving into irresponsibility in any way could curtail your activities, lessen you as a person now. Steer clear of crowds and aggressive people. Above all, do not lose your head."
                                               (FLEISHMAN begins to chuckle.)
That's not funny.
FLEISHMAN
I wasn't laughing at Ripper.
MARY ELLEN
Then what?
FLEISHMAN
I don't know. I was laughing because I feel so good! The sunlight, the early autumn sea air… Oh, Mary Ellen, how wonderful it is to be alive and part of something special! (YOUNG HOODLUM re-enters upstage right looking behind him. HE spots Fleishman's open briefcase and stuffs the stolen money into it just as POLICEMAN, FAT LADY and TELLER appear. Then YOUNG HOODLUM rushes off in the opposite direction., Through all of this, Mary Ellen and Fleishman are too absorbed to notice.) FLEISHMAN You know what I've been doing all day---ever since I received the letter? I've been composing in my mind a request to the President of the Ghana Republic. Asking him to change the flag. To bottle green. Ridiculous, isn't it?
MARY ELLEN
Not at all. If by chance Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton should be the right one, and if you discover it was you who were stolen from his country rather than him from yours, I'm sure the Ghana Republic would be more than willing to alter their flag. They might even put your picture on it.
FLEISHMAN
Oh, I wouldn't want that. I couldn't conceive of our costume---all six of us---having a picture of me on every chest.
MARY ELLEN
But you're the instigator.
FLEISHMAN
Yes, but there's a limit, Mary Ellen. (YOUNG HOODLUM now appears again upstage right. HE waves for TWO OTHER HOODLUMS to follow. TWO HOODLUMS now enter the bank, remove stacks of pizza while YOUNG HOODLUM sneaks downstage and tries to retrieve the money from Fleishman's briefcase. But just as HE does, FLEISHMAN picks the case up and places it beside him on the bench. Disgusted, YOUNG HOODLUM rejoins his companions and also takes pizza boxes. THEY exit the same way they came. TELLER, FAT LADY and POLICEMAN appear from upstage right, exhausted. TELLER peers into bank.) TELLER Not my pizza! Oh, not my pizza! (POLICEMAN points in possible direction, and off the THREE go again in pursuit.) FLEISHMAN And you know what else I was thinking?
MARY ELLEN
Hmm?
FLEISHMAN
I was thinking…
MARY ELLEN
About the international scandal again?
FLEISHMAN
Oddly enough, not this time. I was thinking more about the combinations.
MARY ELLEN
Combinations?
FLEISHMAN
Yes. How we'd split up. You know, which ones would side against which ones. For instance, would it be me and Sextup Number 4 against Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton and Sextup Number 6? Or would it be me and Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton against Sextups Number 1 and 2?
MARY ELLEN
That would depend on what you were siding against.
FLEISHMAN
No, I mean in a general sense. Each of us would always be that much closer to one of the others. And because there's six, it would be divided into equal groups of two. Much more advantageous than being quints. With quints, one would always be the outsider.
MARY ELLEN
Oh, Fleishman, you are such a romantic.
FLEISHMAN
Romantic?
MARY ELLEN
Believing it would work out that way.
FLEISHMAN
You don't believe it would?
MARY ELLEN
It never does. Although you might feel closer to Sextup Number 4, that doesn't mean Sextup Number 4 is going to feel closer to you. In all probability, Sextup Number 4will feel closer to Sextup Number 5, let's say. While Sextup Number 5 may very well feel closer to you than he does to Sextup Number 4. But no matter how you work it, chances are one of you would always be the outsider.
FLEISHMAN
Oh, I do hope it isn't me! And yet it might be me, you know. Because I'd feel so guilty if it was one of the others, I'd make it me. (HUNTINGTON enters from stage right. He is immaculately groomed, fairly attractive and buffed. MARY ELLEN beckons to him.) MARY ELLEN Huntington.
HUNTINGTON
Hey, I hear there's just been a whale of a robbery!
MARY ELLEN
Isn't there always?
HUNTINGTON
I mean right here.
MARY ELLEN
That's what I mean, too. Huntington, I want you to meet Fleishman. Fleishman, Huntington.
HUNTINGTON
                                                (shaking his hand)
So this is Fleishman. Sorry if I'm late, but I was in the midst of an important deal.
MARY ELLEN
Another War Relief?
HUNTINGTON
No, I think War Reliefs have just about had it. You gotta keep abreast of the times. Even the Abyssinian War Relief, which I founded and which is just about the most lucrative of them. Sold out my interest on Thursday---invested part of it in low-fat crab salad. No this deal has to do with cable. I've just negotiated the sale of three hundred fifty post-68 snuff films.
FLEISHMAN
Snuff films!!!
HUNTINGTON
For the new snuff channel.
                                              (Cell phone rings. HE takes it from his left coat pocket.)
Excuse me. Huntington here.
FLEISHMAN
Snuff channel!!!
MARY ELLEN
                                               (with a shrug)
The monster must be fed.
HUNTINGTON
                                               (into the phone)
Pingo, I love you, baby, but what kind of essential do you think I am?---No, the deal still stands. No flat fee for the lot.---Pingo, baby, they are not the same. Take Papa's word. You'll see once the ratings come out.---I know they were a series. You don't have to tell me. But Kill Me Sweetly and Kill Me Neatly are a far cry from Kill Me Closely and Kill Me Grossly.---Why? Because there's a big difference between strangulation and blood-letting.---Of course, there is! Everyone knows that.---Will you forget about the adult market for a second? Not that adults don't prefer it, too. But think of the kids.---Kids love blood-letting.---From surveys, of course.---You don't want to alienate the toy and breakfast cereal advertisers, do you? And before you know it those kids'll be adults.
                                               (holding his hand over the mouthpiece)
What a moron!
                                                 (back to the phone)
All right. Don't take my word for it or the six hundred and fifty surveys. Ask your own kids.---You don't? Then ask somebody else's kids.
FLEISHMAN
                                                 (to Mary Ellen)
Snuff films for kids?!
MARY ELLEN
Children get bored so quickly these days.
HUNTINGTON
                                              (into the phone)
That's the deal, baby. Renege now and I'll take it to Ellman…All right, sweetheart, call me back.
                                                (clicking off)
Mongoloid!
                                              (to Fleishman)
Now we can talk.
FLEISHMAN
I don't know what Mary Ellen's told you.
MARY ELLEN
I gave the general outline.
HUNTINGTON
Yes, and you've got a good gimmick there. Not great, good. Has potential.
FLEISHMAN
Gimmick?
HUNTINGTON
No one's traveled the sextup route before. Got some built-in possibilities. If handled correctly.
FLEISHMAN
But---it's no gimmick---it's my life!
HUNTINGTON
What do you think life is?
FLEISHMAN
But…
                                               (Phone rings again.)
HUNTINGTON
Hold on.
                                               (into the receiver)
Huntington here.
FLEISHMAN
                                               (to Mary Ellen)
A gimmick?
MARY ELLEN
Just listen, Fleishman. It can't hurt.
HUNTINGTON
Pingo, baby, I told you, the deal stands---No, I won't throw in Killing Me Softly with His Thong.---I know it's not a blood-letter. But it's a classic.---Good God, Pingo, it won the Big Sleep Film Festival award, and it goes as a special.---All right, think about it.
                                               (hanging up)
Jackass!
                                               (to Fleishman)
Now where were we? Oh, yes. Sextups. Now I like some of it, and I don't like some of it. The sextet is good. Leave it. I can book you into the best spots in the Western World---and quite a few in the Eastern, too. But the flags, for instance, and the international scandal. That we gotta talk about.
FLEISHMAN
Talk about? First we've got to find my brothers!
HUNTINGTON
Leave that to me. You're not supposed to be doing that anyway. It's an essential's job.
FLEISHMAN
But I've spent years---I've written thousands of letters---I've gone to the library lunch hour after lunch hour to check first in the book on quints, then on the ones on quads, then in the ones on trips…
HUNTINGTON
What a lousy essential you must have had!
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman hasn't had any essential. He's done it all on his own.
HUNTINGTON
No wonder! No essential---even a lousy one---would let his client go through all that.
FLEISHMAN
But how then do you…?
HUNTINGTON
Leave that to Papa. I'll have your brothers by the first of next week.
FLEISHMAN
The first of next week!?
HUNTINGTON
Just remember. There are no great ideas---only great essentials.
FLEISHMAN
But I do think you should read this letter I got from Ghana---
HUNTINGTON
Now. We got all six of you. Okay?
FLEISHMAN
You see, Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton is…
HUNTINGTON
We've got all six of you. Now the way I see it…
                                                (phone rings)
Pingo?---Oh, Bagby.---You just spoke to Pingo?---I don't care what he said. A deal's a deal.---OK. Just tell him this for me. Either he signs by tomorrow or I take it to Snuff Channel 2!
                                              (HE hangs up.)
Jugheads!
FLEISHMAN
                                              (to Mary Ellen)
Snuff Channel 2!
HUNTINGTON
Now. Oh, yes, we've got all six and we're ready for the opening.
FLEISHMAN
Opening?
HUNTINGTON
Of the act.
FLEISHMAN
But first we must have the scandal…
HUNTINGTON
Uh-uh. This has got to be non-partisan. It's got to promote world peace.
FLEISHMAN
But the point is we were kidnapped by a hostile foreign power.
HUNTINGTON
Ignore that. It happened years ago.
FLEISHMAN
You can't ignore that!
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman, let him go on.
HUNTINGTON
Besides, who knows if that hostile power is still a hostile power? They change yearly, you know. That's why I said cut out the flags. Your appeal must be universal, not parochial. (YOUNG HOODLUMS enter from upstage right, pass by munching merrily on their pizza and exit downstage left.) Make it parochial and you cut out some of the top grossing houses in the world. Besides, the flag gimmick is old hat. Find something universal. Now what's universal? I'll tell you what's universal. You heard me on the phone before. Thongs. That's universal.
                                                (feeling Fleishman's bicep)
Starting tomorrow, buddy, you go to a gym.
                                               (phone rings again)
Bagby?---No, madam, this is not the Sunrise Liquor Drive-In!
                                               (angrily replacing the phone in his pocket)
The third time in a week! I told that goddamned cell phone company!
                                               (to Fleishman)
Six magnificent bodies in thongs---four men and two women!
FLEISHMAN
Two women!
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman, you've been assuming all six were men.
FLEISHMAN
No, I haven't…
HUNTINGTON
Six magnificent bodies in thongs---two black, one brown, one yellow, two white…
FLEISHMAN
But we come from the same mother, the same father!
HUNTINGTON
You were separated at birth. Environmental factors.
FLEISHMAN
Environmental factors can do that?
HUNTINGTON
                                                 (to Mary Ellen)
Doesn't he know anything about our world?
MARY ELLEN
Well, you see, Fleishman's lived a…
HUNTINGTON
Wait! I see something else. One is a dwarf!
FLEISHMAN
A dwarf!!!
HUNTINGTON
Dwarfs can be built, too, you know. Knew a lady dwarf once with tits out to here.
FLEISHMAN
A dwarf? A dwarf?
HUNTINGTON
You fascist sonuvabitch! What have you got against dwarfs?
FLEISHMAN
I've got nothing against dwarfs!
HUNTINGTON
You stand there with that stupid sneer on your face saying, "A dwarf! A dwarf!"
FLEISHMAN
I love dwarfs. I adore dwarfs. But as one of my sextups?
HUNTINGTON
You never heard of a nice average family, average mother, average father, average children. And one day the mother goes off to the maternity ward and comes home with a little baby dwarf? Where do you think dwarfs come from? Other dwarfs? Goddamn racist!
FLEISHMAN
I'm not a goddamned racist!
MARY ELLEN
Gentlemen, please. I'm sure we can decide this without raising our voices.
HUNTINGTON
It's all set. You, after you've been to the gym. A big hunky Afro-American is two. A voluptuous female African-American is three. Preferably lesbian. A white dwarf---very Anglo-Saxon. Then a Chinese or a Jap---possibly a trimmed-down Sumo wrestler. And last, either a luscious Eurasian or a gorgeous breasty Choctaw Indian.
FLEISHMAN
                                           (to Mary Ellen)
He's going to go out and get them to order!
HUNTINGTON
Now the thongs. You know Alicia Leviathan?
FLEISHMAN
No.
HUNTINGTON
Great designer. Best in the world. Did Killing Me Softly With Your Thong. We'll get him.
FLEISHMAN
Wait a minute!
HUNTINGTON
You have a better designer?
FLEISHMAN
I'm not talking about the designer. I'm talking about the whole concept!
HUNTINGTON
You mean you'd rather go on year and after year writing those stupid letters, getting those stupid replies…
FLEISHMAN
That's my business!
HUNTINGTON
Wasting thousands of dollars importing opportunists who turn out to be bloody revolutionary spies! You want to go on being indicted for espionage and exonerated as a simple pervert? You want to continue those boring jobs of yours working with computers…
FLEISHMAN
Yes, I work with computers because they've been vital to my work. After everyone goes home, I feed in all the information I've gotten on quints, quads, trips and twins---and it sorts them all out by birth dates, countries, blood types and…
HUNTINGTON
Does it tell you the one thing you really want to know?
FLEISHMAN
You mean who my siblings are?
HUNTINGTON
No. How to be heard.
FLEISHMAN
I want to be heard when I've found my five sextuplets. I want to be heard when I know the truth.
HUNTINGTON
Mister Fleishman. What is truth?
FLEISHMAN
Truth is finding them. Truth is knowing what really happened and why we were stolen at birth and who we were stolen from and where we were taken to. Truth is that feeling inside which says "this is so" or "this isn't so".
HUNTINGTON
Mr. Fleishman, there is a whole world out there inhabited by millions of people.
FLEISHMAN
I realize that.
HUNTINGTON
And don't you think they say "this is so" and "this isn't so", too.
FLEISHMAN
Perhaps. But when it comes to my sextuplets…
HUNTINGTON
And don't you think if presented with a perfectly conceived and executed, universal, non-partisan, peace-loving, sexy group of sextuplets, many of them will say "this is so"?
FLEISHMAN
I don't care if they say "this is so". I'll say "this isn't so".
HUNTINGTON
I beg your pardon. After the money and the pizza and the years of saying "this is so" and the money and the pizza, I guarantee you will say "this is so", too.
FLEISHMAN
But how could I? How could I if you've made a mockery of my life, my reason for being?
HUNTINGTON
My dear Mr. Fleishman. One man's mockery is another man's sustenance. And I'll tell you something else. If that other man's sustenance is great and strong enough, it overpowers and transcends that one man's mockery, so that it becomes his sustenance, too. And I'll tell you a third thing. One man's sustenance is often another man's mockery. And that is the worst crime of all. Failure.
FLEISHMAN
That man doesn't fail. Not within himself. Within himself, even if he has failed to the outside world, he always knows he's won.
HUNTINGTON
How come only the losers say that? Well, I see this is all a waste of time. Particularly of my time.
                                                  (to Mary Ellen)
Sorry, sweetie. We'd a good thing there. Not great, good. Needed lots of work. I could have turned it into something great.
                                                  (HE exits stage right.)

FLEISHMAN
Mary Ellen, how could you? How could you send that terrible man to me?
MARY ELLEN
I'm sorry, Fleishman. I didn't know it would upset you so.
FLEISHMAN
But you heard what he said, what he wanted. A carefully planned, concocted joke.
MARY ELLEN
Oh, no, Fleishman. He didn't mean it would be a joke. He meant it as something pragmatic which would eventually help you.
FLEISHMAN
Help me? I'd rather really drown myself in the sand than do something so base, so foul, so avaricious!
MARY ELLEN
Forgive me.
FLEISHMAN
You don't think his plan was base, foul and avaricious?
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman, I'm a realist. There is nothing in this world that is base or foul or avaricious anymore. Just as there is nothing in this world which is not base or foul or avaricious anymore.
FLEISHMAN
Then you've lost faith.
MARY ELLEN
No, of course not. There have been only two things in this world I have ever had faith in, Fleishman. The first was Ripper; the second is you.
FLEISHMAN
Why?
MARY ELLEN
I don't know. If I looked for a cerebral explanation it would be gone. The pulse in my throat. That's the only thing I've ever been able to trust.
FLEISHMAN
And the pulse in your throat, Mary Ellen? What does it tell you of that---that man's plan?
MARY ELLEN
Oh, it doesn't react to plans. Plans come from somewhere else, somewhere way back behind the pulse. The only thing the pulse cares about is whether the plan will activate it.
FLEISHMAN
And you think that that man's plan will activate it?
MARY ELLEN
Not completely. Partially. It will begin motion. It will be something in our lives. Not the thing we dreamt of, but a substitute.
FLEISHMAN
A hideous mockery!
MARY ELLEN
You call it a hideous mockery, and I call it a substitute. For a realist in this world, there are no hideous mockeries. Only substitutes. But there is another thing, Fleishman.
FLEISHMAN
What?
MARY ELLEN
Compassion.
FLEISHMAN
Compassion?
MARY ELLEN
For you, Fleishman. To see you go on and on like this, with no reward, with only the hope that the next letter might find your siblings, simply to discover that the next letter is a fraud which will lead to your being fleeced and possibly publicly condemned. That's why I wanted you to hear Huntington out. As for myself, I thought if you would go along with his plan, it would give you the time, the money and the energy to find your real sextuplets.
FLEISHMAN
But if I went along with his plan, there could never be any real sextuplets. Wherever they are in this world, they would shun me for making a sham of our destiny. And even if they did come forward, it would be too late.
MARY ELLEN
Why too late?
FLEISHMAN
I would have exhausted the thing that makes us so special.
MARY ELLEN
Yes, I can see what you mean. And yet…
FLEISHMAN
Yes?
MARY ELLEN
No, it's your decision. It's your destiny.
FLEISHMAN
In a way, Mary Ellen, it's your destiny, also.
MARY ELLEN
Not really. I have no destiny, Fleishman. That's why I will always meet you here. Like most women, I need to be near someone with a destiny. And yet, like most women, I…
FLEISHMAN
You what?
MARY ELLEN
I'm afraid of it.
FLEISHMAN
Afraid?
MARY ELLEN
Of the pain, of the sorrow, of the possibilities of failure. Perhaps that's why I married. Married and had children and go to parties for the Abyssinian War Relief. In case you failed, I would always have the life that other people have. You see how selfish I am? But at least I know.
                                              (with a short, cynical laugh)
As if knowing mattered.
FLEISHMAN
The idea that you really care deeply---that's all that matters to me. That is its own reward.
MARY ELLEN
Is it?
FLEISHMAN
Yes, Mary Ellen, yes! Only---only now and then---at night mostly---late at night after I've finished my second job---then---a certain loneliness begins to creep through. It seems to catch hold the more the years pass. And I long for…
MARY ELLEN
Love. I know.
FLEISHMAN
No, not in that sense. I can find that---from time to time. But you see. I have no friends except you. I find someone I can talk to, for a little while, until…
MARY ELLEN
Until you tell them?
FLEISHMAN
I try not to tell them, but it is my life, and without that I do not exist. But many of them---many of them sense that something long before I tell them---or even hint at it. And then they run away.
MARY ELLEN
I know.
FLEISHMAN
That's why---I wonder if---if maybe some---not night---I won't say night, because it would be too late. But perhaps some holiday---when there are other people there---perhaps I could visit you at home, I would like to visit a home. I would like to meet Farineau and Hal and Olivia. I wouldn't stay too long, and it needn't be for dinner. At any rate, I'd try not to stay too long. Perhaps I wouldn't have the will power to leave. Then you could choose a holiday where you and Farineau and Hal and Olivia are going out, and we could time it so that…
MARY ELLEN
                                          (tears streaming down her face)
Oh, Fleishman, no! No!
FLEISHMAN
I'm sorry.
MARY ELLEN
Don't you see? They'd run away, too! I'm sorry. Please forgive me. But I couldn't hurt you that way, Fleishman. I just couldn't.
                                        (Upstage, TELLER, FAT LADY and POLICEMAN re-enter in defeat.)

TELLER
A good thing I'm insured. For pizza, too.
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman. Please read me the letter.
FLEISHMAN
The letter?
MARY ELLEN
From Jeremy Bryce-Wheaton. You know, he could be the one. He and his brothers. His letter sounded really quite intelligent.
FLEISHMAN
Yes, I think it's worth a reply. Of course I'll be more cautious this time. And I will call him collect.
                                      (In searching for the letter, HIS eyes grow wide.)

FLEISHMAN
Mary Ellen!
MARY ELLEN
What is it?
FLEISHMAN
There are thousands of dollars in here!
MARY ELLEN
                                     (peering into the briefcase)
My Lord!
FLEISHMAN
Thousands!
MARY ELLEN
I can't believe it!
                                     (throwing her arms about him)
Fleishman, how wonderful!
FLEISHMAN
But it's terrible! It's probably the stolen money!
MARY ELLEN
Sssh!
FLEISHMAN
But…
MARY ELLEN
It's enough to send for all three Bryce-Wheatons---with lots left over.
FLEISHMAN
I couldn't use that money---not stolen money. Officer!
MARY ELLEN
Fleishman, please!
FLEISHMAN
Over here, officer!
MARY ELLEN
Please, Fleishman---I beg of you!
                                                  (HE has risen and begun moving toward the POLICEMAN.)

FLEISHMAN
You see, I was sitting there with my friend and… (HE begins to pull the money from the briefcase. Some of it scatters on the pier. FAT LADY screams. TELLER rushes from behind the cage.) TELLER That's it! That's my money!
FLEISHMAN
Yes, I thought so.
                                              (FAT LADY and TELLER scramble to retrieve it.)
You see, I was sitting with my friend and…
TELLER
He's the accomplice!
FLEISHMAN
Accomplice!
TELLER
Okay, buddy. Cough up the pizza!
FLEISHMAN
What pizza?
FAT LADY
You know damned well what pizza! Rotten pizza thief!
TELLER
Arrest him!
OFFICER
You're under arrest.
FLEISHMAN
But that's ridiculous! I found the money. I'm returning it.
OFFICER
                                            (slapping handcuffs on him)
Come on, buster!
FLEISHMAN
But this is all…
FAT LADY
He's the accomplice all right. I seen him sitting on that bench through the whole thing.
FLEISHMAN
No! I mean, yes, I was sitting on that bench, but…
FAT LADY
Acting as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.
TELLER
Rotten bastard!
FAT LADY
I hope they give him the chair.
TELLER
There's no capital punishment in this state.
FAT LADY
But for stealing pizza---!
FLEISHMAN
Officer, please! (POLICEMAN starts dragging him offstage left with TELLER and FAT LADY behind.) Mary Ellen! Meet me here! This will all blow over! Please continue to meet me here!
MARY ELLEN

I will, Fleishman, I will! I promise!
                                                 (now alone on stage, collapsing onto the bench with a great sigh)
Oh, Fleishman!

CURTAIN

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