ACT TWO
It is immediately
afterwards. LADY GORDON is still in front of the scrim, but now the lights
have dimmed in two and gone up in the pyramid. MOISHE, GALYA and TAHA are
halfway up the Ascending Passage; MRS. EVANS remains at the entrance of
the Grand Gallery, MARLENE has just reached the Grand Gallery, and DOUGLAS,
who is now aware---and delightedly so---that there are two women is right
behind Marlene.
GALYA
Oi, my back. I have to stop
a minute.
MARLENE
Evelyn...
MRS. EVANS
Here.
DOUGLAS
Where? Reach out your hand.
MRS. EVANS
But I have so much more than
a hand to give.
DOUGLAS
Let’s start with a hand and
work our way down.
(DOUGLAS reaches
out with his right hand and takes Marlene’s---with his left, he takes Evelyn’s.)
MRS. EVANS
Are you a ventriloquist?
DOUGLAS
Yes! That’s it! A ventriloquist.
A very well-known ventriloquist.
MARLENE
I thought you worked for
IBM.
MRS. EVANS
My husband works for IBM.
MARLENE
Your husband? This is more
complicated than I imagined.
(sticking his shoulder into Douglas’ chest)
Evelyn...Evelyn...you
feel exactly as I knew you would...
MRS. EVANS
You do, too.
MARLENE
I’m so glad I sent that note
and you came.
DOUGLAS
I’ve hardly begun.
MARLENE
Coming, darling?
MRS. EVANS
I beg your pardon?
(To silence Marlene’s
responses, DOUGLAS kisses him full on the mouth.)
MARLENE
Oh, yes...yes...
(Then realizing HE must do the same for Mrs. Evans, HE transfers his
lips to hers.)
MRS. EVANS
Oh, yes...
MARLENE
What beautiful muscles. I
love beautiful muscles.
MRS. EVANS
What?
DOUGLAS
Breasts. Breasts are muscles.
MARLENE
Good hard pecs.
MRS. EVANS
You’re a terribly clever
ventriloquist.
MARLENE
So are you.
MRS. EVANS
Me?
(DOUGLAS again kisses
Marlene.)
MRS. EVANS
But I prefer you with the
American accent. The German one sounds too much like a female impersonator.
MARLENE
You don’t sound exactly like
Mr. Universe yourself. On second thought, maybe you do.
(DOUGLAS kisses him
once more.)
MARLENE
Ummm...ummm...
MRS. EVANS
Ummm, what?
(Now DOUGLAS kisses
her.)
MRS. EVANS
That feels so good. Not like
Evelyn.
MARLENE
But, darling, you are Evelyn.
(aside)
Unless he is able to
kiss himself.
MRS. EVANS
I don’t understand.
MARLENE
Neither do I, darling.
DOUGLAS
Who does?
(Now HE alternately
kisses one, then the other.)
GALYA
Oi, my back. What were those
Egyptians... a nation of Lilliputians?
TAHA
King Menthesuphis was a baby,
you kvetch.
GALYA
Does that mean his funeral
was attended only by other babies?
MOISHE
This will never do. I cannot
see a thing. You wait here. I have some matches in the car.
(MOISHE starts back
down the Ascending Passages. GALYA and TAHA have now reached the
point where the passage veers off into the tiny chapel.)
GALYA
What’s in here?
TAHA
A chapel...for babies.
GALYA
They did not say in which
section the secret room was supposed to be?
TAHA
Of course, Galya. They said
exactly.
GALYA
I mean, it could be in here,
could it not?
TAHA
It could be anywhere.
GALYA
Then I will start in here.
TAHA
Start in there, start in
here, start anywhere.
GALYA
But not alone.
(SHE drags him in by the arm and begins to press the stones on the wall.)
MRS. EVANS
Who was that? One of those
voices sounded like my houseboy.
DOUGLAS
(imitating Marlene)
I don’t know, darling,
but these pyramids are very busy at night.
MARLENE
Are you making fun of me?
MRS. EVANS
Oh, you’re too clever. My
head is spinning. What was the question? Oh, why did you want to meet me
here then?
MARLENE
I did not think it would
attract half of Heliopolis.
MRS. EVANS
No, please. Use your other
voice.
MARLENE
This is my other voice. Use
your other voice.
MRS. EVANS
What other voice?
(In order to silence
both of them, DOUGLAS returns to kissing each passionately. Lights dim
and rise in front of the scrim. LADY GORDON is staring at her lapel watch
and tapping her foot. MOISHE appears on top of the boulder, carefully making
his way to the ground. At first he does not notice Lady Gordon.)
LADY GORDON
(eyeing him critically)
I thought my daughter
would show better taste.
(MOISHE stops, regards Lady Gordon with a baffled look.)
I did not ask for you.
I asked for her. Why can’t she ever face issues squarely? You do speak
English?
(MOISHE nods mechanically.)
Of course, one can never
judge the tastes of others, can one? In romance, especially. But then you
sent her that rather pedestrian note, and I suspect the very flattery of
it was enough to make her consent. Men don’t usually do this kind of thing
with beautiful women. They are invariably too frightened of them. How well
I know! That is why Evelyn has had so few opportunities for promiscuity.
Certainly you must realize, my dear Mr....?
(MOISHE is still too stunned and confused to reply.)
If you refuse to give
me your name, so be it. A name is of relatively little consequence in view
of the greater issues at stake. Like a perfectly beautiful marriage disintegrating.
I know you’re counting on that, my dear man, but I wouldn’t count on it
too heavily. Evelyn and you are obviously from entirely different backgrounds
and classes. And though she may be charmed by the originality of a rendezvous
in a pyramid by an unknown admirer, it will come to nothing in the end.
Good heavens, man, can’t you say anything in your defense?
MOISHE
(in a wee voice)
I came for a match.
LADY GORDON
Obviously. But there will
be no match. You must believe me when I tell you this. I am wise in the
ways of the world, and I can assure you that a man who looks like you...with
a game leg, to boot... and sends young ladies anonymous mash notes must
perforce have been extremely hurt by women in the past. Evelyn is a kind
soul and a generous one. But when daylight comes and she sees what she
is giving up at home, it will all be different.
(MOISHE has begun to back up toward the boulders as if in the presence
of a madwoman.)
If you insist on returning
to the arms of my daughter, would you please have the decency to remind
her that I have driven forty miles in order to save a marriage? Clearly
your frolicsome friends could not persuade her, and obviously you never
tried.
(MIA dashes on from
stage right, still pursued by SPEED who is still pursued by LUFTI. SHE
leaps
onto the boulder.)
MIA
Douglas! DOUGLAAASSS!
LADY GORDON
Here they come again.
(MIA disappears offstage
left followed by SPEED and LUFTI.)
LADY GORDON
And another thing, my good
man. You seem like a nice enough, albeit rather silent, middle-aged and
slightly crippled, fellow. But I do think you should show a bit more discrimination
in those you choose to accompany you to an assignation.
(MOISHE backs away,
hobbles up onto the boulder and scampers off as the lights dim and come
up again in the pyramid. DOUGLAS is still alternating between kissing MRS.
EVANS and MARLENE. GALYA and TAHA are feeling the stones in the wall of
the Chapel. MIA enters the Ascending Passage followed by SPEED and LUFTI.
In a moment, MOISHE follows them in. SPEED reaches out and grabs Mia’s
behind.)
SPEED
It was written in the stars...
MIA
Don’t touch me, you madman!
SPEED
But you and me...we the chosen!
MIA
I wouldn’t choose you in
a million years!
LUFTI
I would.
(HE grabs Speed’s
behind.)
SPEED
Hey, who done that?
LUFTI
(imitating Marlene)
Just me, darling.
MARLENE
Why do I keep hearing my
own voice?
MRS. EVANS
Because you’re a ventriloquist.
MARLENE
I am?
DOUGLAS
I am.
MOISHE
Galya! Hymie! Where are you?
TAHA
In here.
(MOISHE pushes his
way past SPEED, LUFTI and MIA.)
MOISHE
Excuse me, excuse me.
MIA
Get away from me.
MOISHE
That is exactly what I am
trying to do.
MIA
A black man with a Yiddish
accent?
(SPEED grabs Mia
around the waist.)
MIA
Leave me alone, I said!
MOISHE
I’m not touching you! Galya,
where are you?
GALYA
I’m here, Moishe. Here.
MIA
DOUGLAASS!
DOUGLAS
Oh, Christ!
MIA
HELP ME!
MRS. EVANS
Your wife?
DOUGLAS
I’m afraid so.
MARLENE
That bloodless little thing?
Why does she call you Douglas when your name is Evelyn?
MRS. EVANS
Stop that. I’m Evelyn.
DOUGLAS
How the fuck did she get
back here? I paid that midget 250 piastres.
(MOISHE has missed
the cut off to the Chapel and is going toward the Grand Gallery.)
MOISHE
Galya! Hymie!
TAHA
He sounds like he passed
the Chapel and is headed for the Grand Gallery. I will get him.
GALYA
Where are the matches?
MOISHE
Oh, God, I forgot the matches!
(TAHA has gone to
the Ascending Passage. MIA is fighting off SPEED as LUFTI grabs his behind
again.)
SPEED
Hey, girl. How come you fightin’
me with one hand and grabbin’ my ass with the other?
MIA
I’m not grabbing your ass,
you ass!
SPEED
Well, someone grabbin’ my
ass, and it’s startin’ to feel real cool.
(MIA has a chance
to escape from Speed now and rushes into the Chapel.)
MIA
Douglas?
GALYA
Moishe?
MIA
Who is Moishe?
GALYA
Who is Douglas?
MIA
DOUGLAASSS!
DOUGLAS
Shit.
(MOISHE has reached
the Grand Gallery. DOUGLAS takes a step backwards and collides with Moishe.)
MOISHE
Who are you?
DOUGLAS
(whispering)
Who are you?
MOISHE
(whispering back)
Ben-Ali Palmyra.
DOUGLAS
Doug Kletts.
MOISHE
Pleased to meet you.
MRS. EVANS
Please, dearest...no more
games.
DOUGLAS
(whispering to Moishe)
Would you mind the store
till I get back?
(HE pushes MOISHE
into the position he was in, so that Moishe is between Marlene and Mrs.
Evans. MOISHE is about to protest, but feels both women and likes what
he feels.)
MARLENE
Oh, Evelyn…
(DOUGLAS is moving
down the Ascending Passage. SPEED is nearing the cut-off to the Chapel.)
SPEED
Where are you, beautiful
thing?
LUFTI
(continuing his imitation of Marlene)
Right behind you, darling.
MIA
DOUGLAAASSS!
DOUGLAS
Okay. I hear you.
(SPEED follows the
sound of Mia’s cry into the Chapel. HE reaches out, but grabs Galya instead.)
SPEED
Gotcha, gorgeous angel.
GALYA
Gorgeous? Angel?
SPEED
You and me, gal, we gonna
change the world!
GALYA
We are?
LUFTI
Where did he go?
(MIA is delighted
to hear Speed’s voice with someone else. SHE quickly makes her way out
of the Chapel as DOUGLAS nears it. In the Gallery, MARLENE is feeling Moishe.)
MARLENE
You’re not Evelyn!
MRS. EVANS
Oh, please. I am Evelyn.
MARLENE
You certainly don’t feel
like you did before.
MRS. EVANS
Neither do you.
SPEED
We’ll consummate it here...right
on the floor of the pyramid.
GALYA
We will?
(HE tosses her onto
the floor. In the meantime, DOUGLAS has collided with Mia.)
MIA
Be careful of the tits.
DOUGLAS
Found you at last.
MIA
It’s about time! I’ve been
screaming at the top of my lungs.
DOUGLAS
So why are you whispering
now?
MIA
I don’t want that madman
to hear me.
DOUGLAS
What madman?
MIA
The big black one who expects
me to bear the next Messiah.
DOUGLAS
(aside)
With the way things have
been going tonight, you know I believe her.
MIA
So...where were you?
DOUGLAS
Asleep.
MIA
Don’t give me that crap.
There are about fifty people in this goddamned place...and you were asleep.
DOUGLAS
Where’s the flashlight, for
God’s sake?
MIA
Flashlight?
DOUGLAS
You had two of them.
MIA
I was so frightened I dropped
them outside.
DOUGLAS
The only thing that would
ever frighten you is if they closed down La Costa.
(DOUGLAS collides
with LUFTI, who is searching for Speed.)
DOUGLAS
Is that Mr. Kamil?
LUFTI
(whispering)
What if it is?
DOUGLAS
I want my 250 piastres back.
(DOUGLAS and MIA
move past him.)
SPEED
Wait! I forgot somethin’.
You stay now, girl.
(stepping out into the Ascending Passage and calling)
Anyone in here name o’
Evelyn Evans?
(At the sound of
Speed’s voice, LUFTI begins to move in that direction. MIA stops dead in
her tracks.)
MRS. EVANS
Yes. Up here.
MIA
That fruity voice...that's
not him.
DOUGLAS
Him who?
SPEED
I gotta message for ya. Your
mother’s outside. She wants to see ya.
(His duty done, HE
moves back into the Chapel and jumps on top of Galya. LUFTI steals into
the Chapel and goes back to groping Speed’s behind.)
MRS. EVANS
Oh, no. Not mother! How did
she find out? No, I won’t go. I won’t leave you. But if I stay, she’ll
come in. Oh, dear, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave you,
but I know I must.
MARLENE
Does he have a problem!
MRS. EVANS
(kissing Moishe lightly)
Stay there, darling.
I’ll be back.
(SHE makes her way
down the ascending Passage. MARLENE reaches out, feels Moishe.)
MARLENE
I thought you said you were
leaving.
SPEED
Creechy angel, I adore you!
GALYA
You do?
SPEED
I feel the hand o’ God...right
on my butt. I just wanna make love to you over and over and over...
GALY A
It’s a free country. Not
this one, maybe...but some country...
SPEED
And in nine months we give
birth to the next Messiah?
GALYA
Oi, vey!
MARLENE
You’re not Evelyn! You don’t
have a muscle in your body! What did you do with Evelyn?
MOISHE
(in a tiny voice)
I’m Evelyn.
MARLENE
I’m getting out of here.
(HE, too, begins
to make his way down the Ascending Passage. All at once, HE trips.)
MARLENE
Oh, my leg! My leg!
(At the sound of
his voice, LUFTI leaves the chapel and rushes into the passage.)
LUFTI
Wolfgang? Is that you? I
need you! Where are you?
(MRS. EVANS collides with Taha.)
MRS. EVANS
Taha?
TAHA
No.
MRS. EVANS
I could have sworn you were
Taha.
TAHA
You must have me confused
with some other Taha.
SPEED
Lie back. Relax. We got the
whole night and the rest of our lives. We got the Egyptian sky and the
Egyptian stars and each other. Feel that?
GALYA
Feel what?
SPEED
The power!
GALYA
Oi, do I feel the power!
SPEED
Not that power. The power
of the pyramid. Pyramid power. I got this here little pyramid back in the
Bronx and I put wine and razor blades and all kindsa things under it. Water,
too. Water I wash with. Keeps the lines outa your face.
GALYA
Put your hand back where
it was...and stop talking.
SPEED
You sure a peculiar and dynamite
gal. First you pretend you hate me and now you want me. You sure hotter
than a horn toad in a microwave. What’s yo’ name, gorgeous one? No, don’t
tell me. I will call you Mary. And you will call me Joseph. Hey, Mary.
You dig poppers?
(Lights dim and come
up in one. LADY GORDON is sitting in the Guard’s chair, tapping her foot.)
MIA
You really are a prick, you
know that? You leave me with that fruity Arab and this wild black schitzo,
while you’re in there...
(seeing Lady Gordon, SHE stops, suddenly remembering her other engagement)
I’m sorry, darling. I
didn’t mean that. I’ve just been upset. You go back to sleep in the pyramid,
and I’ll find Mr. Kamil and have him take me back to the hotel.
DOUGLAS
Beware American ladies dripping
honey.
MIA
No, really, darling, I don’t
see why when I’m nice to you, you never trust it.
DOUGLAS
Possibly because it’s like
having your hand licked by a werewolf.
LADY GORDON
Well, my dear, I hate to
press the issue, but did you see my daughter and give her my message? Obviously,
her lover, your friend, did not.
DOUGLAS
Who the devil is that?
MIA
She’s a lady who evidently
has a daughter, and one of them imagines that this daughter is a fellow
who lives in Heliopolis and drives a black Porsche...
DOUGLAS
Let’s go through that again.
MIA
Besides, she’s a little...
(SHE makes a gesture
to the side of her head.)
DOUGLAS
Isn’t everybody here?
MIA
She thinks I’ve ruined her
country.
(sweetly, to Lady Gordon)
Yes, your daughter got
the message.
LADY GORDON
(eyeing Douglas)
You do get around, my
dear.
MIA
This is my husband.
LADY GORDON
Oh? And who were those other
men? No, you needn’t answer. It is none of my affair. But I do think it
rather extraordinary to go into a pyramid with a black man and a brown
one and come out with a white one. I always say plain women do far better
than beautiful ones.
MIA
(kissing Douglas lightly on the cheek)
You go back to sleep
in the pyramid, and I’ll go find Mr. Kamil and have him take me back to
Cairo.
DOUGLAS
Why are you going that way?
He was in there.
MIA
Of course. I forgot. But
really, Douglas, I don’t want to go back in that horrible place. I’ll wait
out there. You go in and find him and tell him I’ll be waiting by his jeep.
DOUGLAS
Just a minute...
(But as HE is about
to protest, MRS. EVANS appears on the second boulder. HE turns and stares
at her. Again there is a surge of romantic music. MIA notices.)
DOUGLAS
Goodnight, my love. I’ll
see you back at the hotel.
(HE taps her lightly
on the behind, then gives her a tiny shove. SHE regards him with a sharp
look of suspicion, then exits. DOUGLAS rushes to the boulder.)
DOUGLAS
We meet again, lady of my
dreams.
MRS. EVANS
(holding her finger over her mouth and indicating Lady Gordon)
Sssh. My mother.
(HE cannot hear her.
HE jumps onto the boulder.)
DOUGLAS
What?
MRS. EVANS
My mother.
DOUGLAS
Then you’re the daughter
who thinks she’s the fellow who lives in Heliopolis and drives a black
Porsche...
MRS. EVANS
I don’t understand.
DOUGLAS
Who does?
MRS. EVANS
Wait for me in there. I’ll
only be a moment...God willing. But, please, my love, when we meet again,
don’t use that awful German voice...or the Yiddish one.
(DOUGLAS kisses her
feverishly, exits left. MRS. EVANS comes down from the boulder and approaches
her mother. LADY GORDON turns, sees her, and rises.)
LADY GORDON
Well, Evelyn, you have at
last consented to see me.
MRS. EVANS
Mother, how could you do
this? How could you pry into my personal correspondence and then follow
me here? Have I no privacy?
LADY GORDON
Evelyn, Evelyn. You don’t
know how I loathe interfering. But I had no other choice. I really don’t
think one should have an extra-marital relationship without scrutinizing
every aspect of the consequences. And now that I’ve met him...
MRS. EVANS
He’s terribly attractive,
isn’t he?
LADY GORDON
My dear, have you taken leave
of your senses?
MRS. EVANS
Well, he’s not Evelyn, perhaps...
LADY GORDON
Not Evelyn, indeed. I would
rather say he resembles a distraught weasel with a game leg.
MRS. EVANS
Douglas?
LADY GORDON
Is that his name? I wouldn’t
know. He didn’t have the decency to tell me. Douglas is a rather Anglo-Saxon
name for one who looks so...alien.
MRS. EVANS
Alien? He’s American.
LADY GORDON
You get many alien-looking
molesters from America. Good heavens, if they didn’t let in aliens, what
other possible reason would there be for America? And the little I heard...which
was very little indeed...he had an accent.
MRS. EVANS
But he doesn’t.
LADY GORDON
He most assuredly does.
MRS. EVANS
Oh, that’s because he’s a
ventriloquist.
LADY GORDON
A ventriloquist?
MRS. EVANS
He can do all sorts of accents
and make his voice seem like it’s coming from different places... sometimes
at the same time
LADY GORDON
How droll. He does that for
a living? Descended from nobility for ten generations.. .your grandfather,
may his soul rest, a viceroy to half the Empire... and you would end this
line by marrying an alien American whose sole means of employment is throwing
his voice from one little wooden dummy to the other?
MRS. EVANS
Who said anything about marriage?
LADY GORDON
You’ll have to do something
when Evelyn divorces you, Evelyn.
MRS. EVANS
Why should Evelyn divorce
me?
LADY GORDON
Because he’s bound to discover
your little pyramid peccadillo. And, although you may not realize it, my
dear, he is a very jealous man. Just because he always stares at his reflection
in whatever shop window he happens to be passing doesn’t mean he’s not
aware of you, also.
MRS. EVANS
The only way he could discover
it, mother, would be if you told him.
LADY GORDON
What do you take me for,
Evelyn? Do you think I would tell my son-in-law that his wife is having
a passionate affair with an American ventriloquist who resembles a lame
weasel and be the instrument to sever a perfectly lovely marriage? Au
contraire.
MRS. EVANS
It may be a perfectly lovely
marriage to you, mother, but it is not to me. Evelyn is a complete, utter
narcissist. He also cheats on me constantly. And I don’t see why I can’t
cheat on him without his finding out. No one else knows unless you spread
it along the Nile.
LADY GORDON
Evelyn, do not be abusive.
And there is someone else who knows.
MRS. EVANS
Who besides Taha?
LADY GORDON
The woman standing over there
by the green jeep adjusting her breasts.
MRS. EVANS
But that’s Douglas’ wife!
LADY GORDON
You mean she is married to
two men? One can tell a harlot a mile off.
MRS. EVANS
Are you telling me she told
Evelyn that I was meeting her husband here in Sakkara?
LADY GORDON
I gather she telephoned him
less than half an hour ago.
MRS. EVANS
Evelyn is coming here?
LADY GORDON
Any moment.
MRS. EVANS
No wonder he wants to leave
her. No wonder he wrote me that note.
LADY GORDON
Where are you going?
MRS. EVANS
To the arms of my lover.
LADY GORDON
And if your husband finds
you with that...weasel?
MRS. EVANS
Let him find me.
LADY GORDON
Evelyn, Evelyn can be
wild. You don’t realize that, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he
arrives with a pistol.
MRS. EVANS
If he does, mother, he is
so busy gazing at his reflection, he will probably shoot himself.
(SHE climbs back
onto the boulder and exits.)
LADY GORDON
If she thinks I’m going back
to that sordid little flat in Knightsbridge...
(MIA hurries on.)
MIA
Listen. If a magnificent
hunk comes looking for me, tell him I’ll be right back. I have to go potty.
(SHE dashes offstage
left.)
LADY GORDON
A black man, a brown man,
two husbands and an affair with my son-in-law. You see what I mean about
plain girls.
(Lights dim and rise
behind scrim. LUFTI is outside the Chapel searching for MARLENE, who remains
seated nursing his ankle between the Chapel and the Grand Gallery. TAHA
and MOISHE are in the Grand Gallery pushing at the stones on the wall.
MRS EVANS has just entered the Ascending Passage searching for DOUGLAS,
who is several feet ahead of her. SPEED has GALYA on the floor of the Chapel.)
GALYA
Do it. Do it now, Joseph.
SPEED
Wait, Mary. It’s too damp
and cold and hard on this floor.
GALYA
It’s fine.
SPEED
No, it ain’t. I don’t want
nothin’ happenin’ to my Mary.
GALYA
I like damp, cold, hard floors.
(SPEED lifts her
to her feet.)
SPEED
Up we go. We’ll consummate
our destiny against the wall.
GALYA
On the floor, against the
wall...just do it!
LUFTI
Wolfgang! Where are you?
MARLENE
I’m up here, you stupid Arab.
And it’s Marlene. What are you doing here?
LUFTI
I must find you.
MARLENE
My ankle. I think it’s broken.
DOUGLAS
Evelyn? Is that you?
MRS. EVANS
I’m here, darling. I’m just
coming up. Stay wherever you are.
MARLENE
Why does he keep talking
to himself? Ventriloquist or no ventriloquist, I’m rapidly falling out
of love.
GALYA
Take me! Take me!
SPEED
One sec.
GALYA
What’s the matter now?
SPEED
I left the poppers on the
floor. Stay there.
(GALYA sighs, moves
a step to the left, presses her back against the wall. All at once, the
stones swivel and GALYA disappears into the wall.)
MOISHE
This is the craziest place
I’ve ever been in.
TAHA
I just hit that stone.
MOISHE
How am I supposed to know
which stone you hit and which you didn’t?
SPEED
Mary? Wither hast thou gone,
Mary?
(In response, we
hear a garbled cry behind the stone.)
MRS. EVANS
Douglas!
DOUGLAS
Up here.
(MRS. EVANS collides
with Lufti.)
LUFTI
Marlene, listen to me, I
must borrow your wig for just a few moments.
(HE clutches at Mrs. Evans’ hair. SHE screams.)
I will give it back later.
Also your falsies.
(HE grabs at her breasts. This time SHE screams louder.)
Wolfgang. you are getting
more and more like a real woman.
(MRS. EVANS scurries past him and into the Chapel, colliding with SPEED.)
MRS. EVANS
Is it you...at last?
SPEED
You betcha ass, girl. Where
you been?
MRS. EVANS
No, please. Not another voice.
SPEED
What about all your voices?
MRS. EVANS
Please don’t play games with
me in the dark. Just take me. I’m yours.
SPEED
Hot shit, Mary.
(HE pushes her against
the wall. DOUGLAS trips over MARLENE.)
DOUGLAS
Evelyn...
MARLENE
Here we go again.
DOUGLAS
It’s you. I forgot. I’m Evelyn.
MARLENE
Whoever you are, I’m tired.
DOUGLAS
And I’m horny.
MARLENE
You’re sure you’re Evelyn?
DOUGLAS
(with a very British accent)
Of course I’m Evelyn.
MARLENE
Ich bin von Koph bis Fuss
auf Liebe eingestellt...
LUFTI
Marlene! Where are you?
MARLENE
(yelling down)
Fuck off.
(to Douglas)
Fuck on.
(DOUGLAS is leaning over him, feeling his body. His hands begin to go below
the waist.)
Not there, darling.
DOUGLAS
Why not?
MARLENE
It’s that time of the month,
darling.
DOUGLAS
What difference does that
make, darling?
MARLENE
Darling, please. I’m very
sensitive when I’m having my you-know-what. No, darling, really. You stand
up and let me do the work.
(DOUGLAS is getting
more passionate. His hands refuse to leave the forbidden area.)
MARLENE
No...please...don’t...
(All at once, DOUGLAS
back away, startled.)
DOUGLAS
You’re a guy!!!
MARLENE
No, darling. All of us German
girls are a little on the ballsy side.
DOUGLAS
Let me outa here. Evelyn!
(SPEED has MRS. EVANS
against the wall.)
MRS. EVANS
You promised you wouldn’t
do that. I’m just not going to answer no matter where you throw your voice.
SPEED
I never met a chick with
so many different moods.
MRS. EVANS
No. I won’t let you touch
me unless you use your real voice.
(SHE holds him at
bay, moves a step to the left and stands exactly where Galya had stood.
The swivel stone door again moves, taking MRS. EVANS behind it and depositing
GALYA in front of it.)
GALYA
I found it! Moishe! Hymie!
I found it!
SPEED
You found what?
GALYA
Never mind, Joseph. It can
wait. Just take me.
SPEED
And you talk about my real
voice.
(THEY embrace. Lights
dim and come up again outside the scrim. LADY GORDON is still waiting.
From the left, EVELYN EVANS enters---MR. EVELYN EVANS, that is. He is truly
the most magnificent hunk in Cairo. Anyway, he’d better be. HE does not
at first notice his mother-in-law.)
MR. EVANS
What is my Porsche doing
out there? And where is the American girl who rang me up? She said she’d
be waiting outside the pyramid. Now what the deuce was her name? I associated
it with something Italian. A name that meant something in Italian. But
what was it? Good evening… was that it? Buena sera. Sarah. Yes, I think
that was it. Sarah.
(HE turns suddenly and sees LADY GORDON, who has been slyly listening
to him.)
Lady Gordon! I say...!
LADY GORDON
Don’t mind me, my dear. Go
right ahead with your conversation.
MR. EVANS
Who...who drove my Porsche
here?
LADY GORDON
I, of course.
MR. EVANS
(aside)
I thought she couldn’t
drive.
LADY GORDON
I took lessons last week.
(aside)
I can’t let him discover
his wife is having an assignation.
MR. EVANS
Remarkable to learn to drive
that quickly.
(aside)
I can’t let her discover
I have come to meet the American with the incredible knockers.
LADY GORDON
I had a Swiss instructor.
(aside)
I can’t let him discover
that I know he was peed on by a camel outside the Museum of Islamic Arts
and met this American floozy who just called him to come and meet her for
a rendezvous at this pyramid. And I certainly can’t let him know that this
American floozy is with her two husbands and having a rather shabby affair
with a very large African and a very small Egyptian with a mustache.
MR. EVANS
May I ask, Lady Gordon, why
you are here?
LADY GORDON
I was thinking, my dear,
of asking you the same question.
MR. EVANS
Look at my shadow on the
sand.
LADY GORDON
Yes, dear, just look at that
lovely shadow.
(MARLENE appears
on the boulder. He now wears his picture hat. HE sees Mr. Evans and becomes
the coquette again.)
MARLENE
Yoo—hoo...Evelyn...
LADY GORDON
Who on earth is that?
MR. EVANS
I’m not sure.
(aside)
Is that the American
lady? I’m not terribly good with faces.
MARLENE
Do help me down, darling.
It’s such a large boulder, and I’m such a frail Fraülein.
LADY GORDON
That’s what we get for rehabilitating
that country.
MR. EVANS
I don’t think that’s Sarah,
but I can’t be absolutely certain. Her voice sounds funny.
MARLENE
Please help me.
LADY GORDON
Don’t let me stop you, Evelyn.
(MR. EVANS goes to
the boulder and helps Marlene down.)
MARLENE
Is that you wife, darling?
(entwining himself around Mr. Evans)
Oh, you feel marvelous...better
than inside.
LADY GORDON
(aside)
Extraordinary. He’s meeting
two ladies at the same place, and one of them has felt him not only outside
but inside as well. My morality tells me to strongly object. But my common
sense sees that flat in Knightsbridge.
MR. EVANS
Really, Lady Gordon, I don’t
believe I’ve seen this lady before.
LADY GORDON
Boys will be boys.
MARLENE
I was only joking inside.
You see what you felt.
(pulling out a lipstick from his purse)
That’s what you felt,
you silly man.
MR. EVANS
What the deuce is she talking
about?
LADY GORDON
A lipstick? Is that a new
perversion I’ve not heard about? What is this world coming to?
(MIA enters from
the left.)
MIA
Evelyn!
MR. EVANS
Sarah?
MIA
Mia.
MR. EVANS
Right you are. I knew it
was something Italian.
MIA
(to Marlene)
You look familiar.
MARLENE
You’re probably confusing
me with some other beautiful lady.
(During the above
exchange, GUARD has been gradually regaining consciousness. HE takes one
look at Mia’s tits and goes wild. Now HE rises slowly and suddenly lunges
at her, grabbing both breasts.)
MIA
Let me alone! Who is this?
Unhand me, you monster! Evelyn! Help me! Stop him!
MR. EVANS
I say. You stop that.
(But GUARD persists.
MIA runs offstage left. GUARD pursues her.)
MIA (o.s.)
Evelyn! Help!
MR. EVANS
You there. Unhand the lady.
LADY GORDON
A paragon of strength in
every crisis.
MR. EVANS
(aside)
I can’t very well run
after the lady when I already have this lady and a mother-in-law. Pray
God two other horny Egyptians come along and abscond with each.
(DOUGLAS appears
on the boulder.)
DOUGLAS
Has anyone seen Evelyn Evans?
MR. EVANS
Here, old man.
DOUGLAS
Where?
MR. EVANS
Here.
DOUGLAS
Oh, there.
(aside)
Everyone’s mad.
(In the distance
we hear Mia crying, "HEEEELLLPPP!" A breathless LUFTI appears on the boulder.
HE passes Douglas and leaps to the ground. MARLENE has wrapped himself
around MR. EVANS, who is politely trying to extricate himself.)
LUFTI
Marlene! I’ve been looking
for you.
MARLENE
Fuck off, darling.
MR. EVANS
Please. My mother-in-law.
MARLENE
You didn’t think of your
mother-in-law before.
MR. EVANS
Why the devil should I have?
LUFTI
Marlene, I must speak with
you.
MARLENE
I said, fuck off.
LUFTI
But I have found the black
stud of my dreams. Only he is completely straight. I need your wig and
your breasts.
MARLENE
Get the fuck out of here,
you piss-faced Arab!
LADY GORDON
(singing)
Don’t let’s be beastly
to the Germans,
Don’t let’s be beastly
to the Hun.
(GALYA, MOISHE and
TAHA appear on the boulder chattering at once.)
GALYA
I don’t know how I found
it. It was just there.
MOISHE
We’ll never find it again
without a torch.
GALYA
Stop pawing me.
MOISHE
What happened to tatele
this and tatele that?
GALYA
Gone the way of all tateles.
MOISHE
(to Taha)
You idiot. Coming here
without a torch.
TAHA
But I had a torch, I tell
you. And why did you two not bring a torch? To search in a pyramid, you
don’t bring a torch, you bring enough bandages to service the entire population
of Chechnya.
LADY GORDON
Taha?
(TAHA stops dead. HE sees Lady Gordon and Mr. Evans.)
LADY GORDON
Who are these people?
(aside)
I must pretend I’ve never
seen my daughter’s ventriloquist lover before.
TAHA
What people? I wait for mistress.
MIA (o.s.)
HEEELLLPPPP!
TAHA
Is that mistress? I go see.
(HE rushes back into
the pyramid.)
LADY GORDON
(to Moishe and Douglas)
It may be of no concern
to either of you gentlemen, but I believe your wife is being raped.
GALYA
Whose wife?
LADY GORDON
Not to worry. She is just
bludgeoning her attacker with two silver instruments. Plain girls can always
defend themselves.
LUFTI
You are a cunt, Wolfgang!
(HE suddenly snatches
Marlene’s wig off his head and then reaches down to get the falsies. MARLENE
screams.)
MR. EVANS
I say, you’re a man!
DOUGLAS
I could have told you that.
LADY GORDON
I never did meet a trustworthy
kraut.
MARLENE
Give them back, mother-fucker!
Father-fucker!
(MIA bursts on stage,
screaming and crying. One of her breasts is now slightly higher than the
other. SHE marches to Douglas.)
MIA
You bastard! You prick! Look
at my tits! You and your goddamned cheap silicone!
LADY GORDON
What peculiar brassieres
they must have in America.
(Now SPEED appears
on the boulder. HE calls to Mia.)
SPEED
Hey, Mary, how come you run
out like that?
LADY GORDON
I bet she thinks wearing
one up here and the other down there is cute.
DOUGLAS
Here. Let me adjust them.
MIA
Don’t touch me, you lousy
bastard!
MARLENE
(to Lufti)
Give me my wig and my
boobs back, you Egyptian schmuck!
(MIA, suddenly aware
of Marlene, regards him in amazement.)
MIA
Wolfgang?
DOUGLAS
Wolfgang?!
MIA
It is Wolfgang!
MARLENE
(touching Mia’s hair)
Darling, who on earth
has been doing your hair?
DOUGLAS
You mean, I’ve been making
it with your first husband?
LADY GORDON
Not another husband. And
this one a German lipstick fetishist.
MARLENE
(to Mr. Evans)
But it was you in the
pyramid!
MR. EVANS
When? I just arrived.
MARLENE
And I wasted all that passion.
SPEED
Hey, girl...dude...whatever
you are...you a Capricorn?
MARLENE
None of your business.
SPEED
Only a Cap would say somethin’
like that.
LUFTI
(now wearing the wig and the falsies)
It just so happens I
am a Capricorn.
MARLENE
He's a shit-faced liar.
He’s a Pisces.
MIA
Wolfgang. I can’t believe
it. Here of all places.
GALYA
I don’t care what anyone
says, I’m having a wonderful time. I have found the secret chamber, and
in nine months I give birth to the Mulatto Messiah.
SPEED
You give birth?
(to Mia)
She give birth!
GALYA
Who give birth?
SPEED
She! With them moveable boobs!
MIA
(to Douglas)
I’ll never forgive you
for this.
(to Mr. Evans)
Or, you, either, you
muscle-bound coward.
MR. EVANS
Look here...
MARLENE
(to Lufti)
I’ll never forgive you,
you Arabian cocksucker.
(to Mia)
We must do something
about that hair.
LUFTI
(to Speed)
Why don’t we go back
in the pyramid and let them fight amongst themselves.
DOUGLAS
I want to know what happened
to Evelyn. She’s disappeared.
MR. EVANS
Evelyn who? I’m Evelyn.
MOISHE
(to Galya)
We’ve got to get everyone
out of here.
GALYA
Everyone except Joseph there.
I am taking him back to Tel Aviv.
MR. EVANS
Look how much larger my shadow’s
become.
LADY GORDON
Pyramids do have some curious
power, after all. Exactly what, we have yet to discover.
(While all this is
going on, MRS. EVANS appears on the top boulder, dazed.)
DOUGLAS
Evelyn!
(EVERYONE stops.)
MR. EVANS
Evelyn? What are you doing
here?
MRS. EVANS
There’s...there’s a secret
chamber in there...
MOISHE
(to Galya)
Oi, the cat is out of
the bag! Now all of Egypt will know, big mouth.
MRS. EVANS
And...there’s a mummy in
it.
GALYA
What would you expect in
a sealed Egyptian tomb? A pizza?
DOUGLAS
There’s a mummy in that pyramid?
LADY GORDON
But, Evelyn, dear, pyramids
are the natural habitats for mummies.
MRS. EVANS
Yes, but this one just happens
to be breathing.
(The OTHERS freeze
in shock. As they do, the lights rise behind the scrim. There in the Chapel,
we see TAHA tying the final strip of bandage about his head.)
CURTAIN
