ACT THREE
It is immediately
after. EVERYONE is in exactly the same position staring at Mrs. Evans who
remains on the boulder.
DOUGLAS
A mummy? Are you serious?
MRS. EVANS
I’ve never been more serious...or
more terrified.
LUFTI
But how could you tell? It
is so dark in there.
MRS. EVANS
I almost collided with it.
I reached out and felt...bandages. And it was breathing.
LADY GORDON
All mummies are bandaged.
That’s what makes a mummy. But a breathing one!
MOISHE
(whispering to Galya)
Did you see a mummy?
GALYA
No, but who knows what’s
in that fekokte room?
SPEED
A breathin’ mummy! Man, this
is the wildest night o’ my life.
(to Mia)
Thanks mainly to you.
MIA
Get lost.
GALYA
To her? You mean to me!
SPEED
Who are you?
GALYA
The mother of your Messiah.
SPEED
You puttin’ me on, girl.
She the mother of my Messiah.
MIA
Stop saying that!
DOUGLAS
Just wait, dearest. In nine
months, when three peculiarly dressed men with long beards ride into San
Diego on three camels and see a bright star shining over Mission Bay...
MIA
I detest you!
MRS. EVANS
Do forgive me for distracting
you, but there remains the breathing mummy...
DOUGLAS
I think we’d better take
a look.
(to Mia)
Did you put the flashlights
you were bludgeoning that guard with back in your bag?
MIA
Flashlights? You want flashlights?
Here I’m standing with one tit higher than the other...and you ask for
flashlights?
(SHE lifts up her
bag to crown him with it, but HE wrests it from her, pulls out the flashlights
and hands the bag back to her.)
MIA
COCKSUCKER! I HATE
YOU!
(Ignoring her, DOUGLAS
hands one flashlight to MOISHE, then scales the boulder. GALYA, MOISHE,
SPEED and LUFTI follow him.)
MR. EVANS
Are you coming, Lady Gordon?
LADY GORDON
I wouldn’t miss this for
all the rice in China. Provided they still have rice in China. You never
know with all the changes these days.
(MR. EVANS helps her onto the boulder.)
You know, Evelyn, I don’t
understand anything about pyramids. That little one Mr. Husayn gave you
did absolutely nothing for my African violets.
(THEY all exit leaving
MARLENE and HIA alone.)
MIA
He cares more for mummies
in tombs than he does for me.
MARLENE
Men are such cunts, darling.
Sometimes I wish I were a dyke. Perhaps after the operation. I’m told a
lot of us become dykes after the operation.
MIA
Aren’t you going to look
at the mummy, Wolfgang?
MARLENE
No, darling. I prefer my
men younger and unbandaged.
MIA
(suddenly bursting into tears)
Oh, Wolfgang, you don’t
know what I’ve been through since Daddy died.
MARLENE
Did Daddy die?
(aside)
All that money...I never
did learn to wait.
MIA
He’s turned out to be impossible,
Douglas has. Look. These are his tits.
MARLENE
You don’t say.
MIA
One is up here...and the
other down there.
MARLENE
At this moment I’d sell my
soul for them...even if they are lopsided.
MIA
I lost that beautiful diamond
ring Daddy gave me...you remember, the one with the emeralds...and he couldn’t
care less. He’s impossible, just impossible.
MARLENE
He kisses very well, darling.
And he feels very good in the dark.
MIA
Not after four years.
MARLENE
No one feels that good after
four years. Not even Evelyn, I’m sure.
MIA
Evelyn? My Evelyn?
MARLENE
No, darling. My Evelyn.
MIA
But he came here to meet
me.
MARLENE
No, darling. He’s here to
meet me.
MIA
What have I come to? Competing
for the same man with my ex-husband?
MARLENE
There, there, darling. I
think of you very fondly. You had such lovely clothes.
MIA
I still do.
MARLENE
So do I.
MIA
How strange meeting you again...and
here, of all places. Oh, Wolfgang, what a shame we couldn’t make a go of
it. I always think if only you had had just a few more sessions with Dr.
Klabotz.
MARLENE
Yes, darling. The only trouble
was that Dr. Klabotz got his psychiatric training at the Shick No Smoking
Center. He used to tie this thing around my arm. Then he’d show me pictures
of naked musclemen, and each time I got an erection, he’d go zap! I would
get the most terrible electric shock. That was all right, I guess, except
each time Dr. Klabotz would go zap on me, he would get an erection.
(Lights dim, come
up behind the scrim. in the Grand
Gallery we see the
bandaged MUMMY looking very
menacing. The GROUP,
led my DOUGLAS and MRS.
EVANS, has reached
the Chapel.)
MRS. EVANS
It was in here. I was standing
against the wall when suddenly the stones moved, and I was swung backwards
into a strange airless room.
GALYA
That is what happened to
me.
(MOISHE leads her
back to the Ascending Passage)
MOISHE
Come out here.
DOUGLAS
There must be a stone here
that moves. Look, why don’t we all take a portion of the wall and press
on it?
MRS. EVANS
It all looks so different
in the light.
DOUGLAS
Doesn't everything?
MR. EVANS
I say, Evelyn, I still don’t
know what you’re doing here.
MRS. EVANS
I could say the same for
you.
LADY GORDON
There, there. it’s all a
misunderstanding which will be cleared up as soon as we find the mummy...I
mean, as soon as we get back to Heliopolis.
(MRS. EVANS, DOUGLAS,
MR. EVANS, SPEED and LADY GORDON start pressing stones.)
SPEED
Find the mummy, find the
mummy...
LADY GORDON
This is really rather exciting.
I’ve seen grouse-hunting, fox-chasing and pig-sticking. But mummy-searching!...
(In the Ascending
Passage, GALYA makes a move to return to the Chapel, but MOISHE stops her.)
MOISHE
Where are you going?
GALYA
To find the mummy.
MOISHE
Screw the mummy. We have
got to do something.
GALYA
We have got to find the stone
that moves.
MOISHE
Meshugene! We
don’t want them to find the hidden chamber. We want to get them out of
the pyramid...and back to their homes.
GALYA
How?
MOISHE
I don’t know. Think of something...like
you did in Desert Storm.
GALYA
What are you talking about?
I was in the Missile Control Center during Desert Storm.
MOISHE
I forgot. Otherwise, it would
have been Desert Precipitation.
MR. EVANS
I say, Evelyn. That fellow
who was over for dinner...you know, our dear friend whatshisname who has
something to do with the Egyptian Museum. Didn’t he say something about
some libation table or other in one of these old pyramids?
MRS. EVANS
Husayn.
MR. EVANS
Whose sign?
MRS. EVANS
Husayn. That’s the name of
your very dear friend.
MR. EVANS
So it is.
(MOISHE has been
leading GALYA up the Ascending Passage.)
GALYA
Where are you taking me?
If you think I would give my body so easily...
MOISHE
Who’s asking for your body?
I just want us to think of some way of getting them all out of here.
(TAHA has heard their
voices. HE makes his way out of the Grand Gallery and into the Ascending
Passage. MOISHE is shining the flashlight upwards. Suddenly GALYA sees
the bandaged figure and emits a bloodcurdling shriek.)
TAHA
Sssh...ssh...
GALYA
HELP! IT’S THE MUMMY!
DOUGLAS
Where did that come from?
SPEED
That way.
GALYA
THE MUMMY! IT’S THE MUMMY!
TAHA
It’s not the mummy, dummy.
MOISHE
Hymie?
(SPEED begins to
lead them out of the Chapel.)
SPEED
Hey, gal, where are you?
Where’s the mummy?
(MRS. EVANS is about
to follow, but DOUGLAS stops her.)
DOUGLAS
Please...
MRS. EVANS
But the mummy...
DOUGLAS
The hell with the mummy.
We’ve had no time to be alone.
MRS. EVANS
We were alone in the Grand
Gallery.
DOUGLAS
No, we weren’t.
MRS. EVANS
And again here in the Chapel.
You did all those clever voices.
MOISHE
What are you doing, Hymie?
TAHA
I have to get them out of
here somehow. Wait. I’ll get back in the Grand Gallery. You stay out there.
Tell them you are scared to death. Build it up. Otherwise, we will never
be able to get to the chamber before the Arabs do.
DOUGLAS
Oh, darling, those other
voices were other voices. I’m not a ventriloquist. I own a body prosthesis
factory in San Diego.
MRS. EVANS
I don’t understand.
DOUGLAS
Implants.
MRS. EVANS
You mean, like your wife’s?
DOUGLAS
A rather unfortunate example.
MRS. EVANS
Oh, dear. I think you would
have made a better ventriloquist.
DOUGLAS
We’ve little time. I must
see you again. Give me your address.
MRS. EVANS
But you have my address.
You sent me that note.
DOUGLAS
I never sent you that note.
I wish I had.
MRS. EVANS
Then...who?
DOUGLAS
I think that note was meant
for your husband. And I believe it was sent by my wife’s ex-husband.
MRS. EVANS
Your wife’s ex-husband?
DOUGLAS
Ich bin von koph big Fuss
auf Liebe eingestellt...
MRS. EVANS
You mean that throaty German
voice which sounded like a female impersonator was really a throaty German
female impersonator? And "Dear Evelyn Evans" was... Oh, I see. How terribly
funny. How very droll.
(SHE begins to weep.)
DOUGLAS
Why are you crying?
MRS. EVANS
Evelyn gets all the notes,
I thought at least this one was mine.
DOUGLAS
(taking her in his arms)
My love, I’ll send you
notes for the rest of your life.
MRS. EVANS
Four years at the most.
DOUGLAS
Four years is four years.
LADY GORDON
Evelyn!
MR. EVANS
Right behind you, Lady Gordon.
LADY GORDON
Not you, dearest. The other
Evelyn. Evelyn! Come see the mummy!
MRS. EVANS
All right. I’m coming.
DOUGLAS
Don’t go.
MRS. EVANS
My husband’s out there.
DOUGLAS
And my wife’s out there.
What difference does it make?
MRS. EVANS
But there’s also my mother
and the mummy.
DOUGLAS
You seen one husband, one
mother and one mummy, you seen ‘em all.
(THEY leave the Chapel
and ascend the passageway
behind SPEED, LUFTI,
LADY GORDON and MR. EVANS.
GALYA and MOISHE are
right outside the Grand
Gallery, staring at
Taha.)
SPEED
Hey, mummy, where are you?
LUFTI
Did it ever occur to anyone
how the mummy got from down there to up here?
LADY GORDON
Climbed, I daresay.
LUFT
A five-thousand-year-old
mummy?
LADY GORDON
My daughter said he was breathing.
And my daughter does not lie.
LUFTI
A five-thousand-year-old
mummy?
LADY GORDON
The Egyptian embalming process
was terribly efficient, you know.
TAHA
(to Galya)
Now scream, you numbskull.
(GALYA screams.)
Say "the mummy, the mummy"!
GALYA
The mummy! The mummy!
TAHA
In the Grand Gallery...I
saw him.
GALYA
In the Grand Gallery! I saw
him! Help me! Someone! Oi, I’m dying!
TAHA
(aside)
That’s from having grown
up with too much Yiddish theatre.
LADY GORDON
Oh, that poor woman.
SPEED
You mean that dog?
LADY GORDON
Dog, she may be, but when
a woman is attacked by a mummy, conventional standards of beauty are considerably
altered.
(THEY have now reached
Galya and Moishe. MOISHE has the flashlight shining so that it throws an
eerie light about the bandaged Taha. The OTHERS draw back in terror as
TAHA emits a menacing sound.)
SPEED
Jesus God!
MR. EVANS
Excuse me, I think I’m going
to be sick.
(HE turns and rushes
down the Ascending Passage, as DOUGLAS and MRS. EVANS are coming up. Lights
dim and rise in front of the scrim. MARLENE and MIA are seated on the ground.)
MARLENE
I had him, too.
MIA
Carlo Sanvanucci?
MARLENE
Behind a hibiscus bush at
Sea World. He was gorgeous.
MIA
Were all my boy friends your
boy friends, too?
MARLENE
Practically, darling, Carlo
Sanvanucci. Whatever happened to him?
MIA
The last I heard he had moved
to La Jolla to be near his guru.
MARLENE
I’m not surprised. A friend
of mine told me that at an ashram outside of Katmandu, half the men were
old tricks of mine. One evening of Marlene, darling, and it’s the bottle
or Vedanta.
(MR. EVANS comes
dashing on from the top boulder, leaps down and flees offstage left. We
hear him throwing up.)
MIA
Evelyn?
MARLENE
Evelyn?
(THEY both spring
to their feet, hurry stage left.)
MARLENE
Oh, my ankle.
MIA
(to the offstage Mr. Evans)
Are you all right? Is
there anything I can do?
MARLENE
(stepping in front of her)
Poor baby. Let me help
you.
MIA
(stepping in front of him)
Let me. I have some Tums
in my bag.
MARLENE
I have some hash in mine.
MIA
Wolfgang, quit shoving!
MARLENE
You quit shoving!
MIA
How would you like this bag
against the side of your goddamned head!
MARLENE
How would you like those
tits around your armpits?
MIA
Oh, Wolfgang, it seems like
old times!
(Lights dim as BOTH
rush offstage to help Mr. Evans. Lights rise behind scrim. GALYA, MOISHE,
SPEED, LUFTI, LADY GORDON, MRS. EVANS and DOUGLAS are all shrinking back
from TAHA.)
TAHA
Oooo ba dooo ba.
LADY GORDON
Oooo ba dooo ba...what
could that possibly mean?
SPEED
I don’t know. I don’t wanna
look.
LUFTI
Are you scared?
SPEED
Shitless.
(LUFTI holds him
in his arms.)
LUFTI
Poor little chocolate baby.
MRS. EVANS
If we could only find out
exactly what it is he wants.
LADY GORDON
Allow me. Let me through,
please. I’m not unused to mummies. My late husband, Lord Reginald Cooper-Gordon,
was with the diplomatic corps.
(to Taha)
Look here, my good fellow.
You are a fellow, are you not?
(to Moishe)
Mummies do have sexes,
don’t they? Look who I’m asking. Mr. Helen Keller.
(back to Taha)
Now I know you are determined
to frighten everyone, and I must confess that so far you are doing a rather
exemplary job of it. But we cannot help you unless we know exactly what
is it you want.
TAHA
Oooo ba dooo be dooo...
LADY GORDON
We don’t understand that
kind of language. It sounds like a refrain from one of those contemporary
songs. If you can’t speak English, or at least modern Egyptian, there is
no earthly reason for you to rise from your tomb like that.
TAHA
Doo ba doo olifat!
LADY GORDON
Olifat! You see we
are getting somewhere. Is it a curse that was placed upon you when you
were mummified? A curse by an evil high priest?
TAHA
Doo ba.
LADY GORDON
Were you a high priest yourself?
They had so many high priests in those days. Rather like vice-presidents
today.
TAHA
Ba doo.
LADY GORDON
Oh, ba doo. I see.
Well, is it one of us? Is it someone who has been buried by mistake and
has been reincarnated in a different form? And you’ve come back for him
or her...preferably him.
TAHA
Ba doo.
LADY GORDON
Ba doo again. Let
me see now? I know! Tana leaves. Mummies must have tana leaves in order
to survive. Maybe that’s what he wants. Is it tana leaves? Tana leaves
you must have in order to keep going until you complete your mission and
your soul finds rest?
TAHA
(angrily)
Doo ba doo ba ba.
(THEY all move a step or two backward in fear.)
LADY GORDON
What did I say to offend
him? Oh, dear. I’m running out of the things I recall from Boris Karloff
films. Maybe if I start with Dynasties. Who knows something about Dynasties?
SPEED
You mean like with Joan Collins?
LADY GORDON
Really! Do they go backwards
or forwards?
SPEED
Huh?
LADY GORDON
I mean, like B.C. 825 B.C.
is before 624 B.C. At any rate, it used to be. Unless they’ve changed that
like they’ve changed everything else.
LUFTI
They go forward.
LADY GORDON
Then am I correct in assuming
that the First Dynasty was the first dynasty?
LUFTI
Yes.
LADY GORDON
How interesting. I say, mummy,
do you belong to the First Dynasty?
(Taha does not respond.)
Knock once for yes and
twice for no.
(Lights dim, come
up again in front of scrim. MR. EVANS enters from the left, flanked by
MIA on one side and MARLENE on the other, both clutching at him.)
MIA
You poor fellow.
MARLENE
Lean on me, mein armer
Kleine liebling.
MR. EVANS
Forgive me. But it was seeing...that
thing...that hideous bandaged monster.
MIA
There really is a mummy in
there?
MR. EVANS
I should say. A living breathing
mummy.
MIA
That’s impossible.
MR. EVANS
I tell you, it’s there! I
saw it...and so did everyone else.
MARLENE
I believe you, darling.
MIA
I would have gone in, too...only
I didn’t believe what that woman was saying.
MR. EVANS
That woman was...my wife.
MIA
Oh, I’m sorry. Not that she’s
your wife. That I called her "that woman".
MR. EVANS
Well, all wives are "that
woman" until you’re absolutely certain whose husband they belong to.
MARLENE
You are so right, honey-cookie-horsey.
MR. EVANS
She doesn’t understand me.
MIA
Who doesn’t?
MARLENE
Didn’t I teach you anything
about men? His wife, of course.
MR. EVANS
My mother-in-law.
MIA
Smartass.
MR. EVANS
She is so condescending in
the sweetest way. She doesn’t realize that I realize she’ll do anything
so as not to return to that shabby little flat in Knightsbridge. My wife
simply follows along with whatever Lady Gordon wants. It’s a horrid situation,
and I feel positively stifled.
MARLENE
Let me unstifle you, darling.
MR. EVANS
See here. I don’t go for
men. I don’t think. I mean, there are a couple of rum fellows at my health
club, but it’s strictly platonic. Although we do rather like to pump up
and pose for each other. But in the most platonic way.
MARLENE
You must give me the address,
darling.
MR. EVANS
What I mean is specifically
I don’t go for men who dress like women.
MARLENE
But you would, if you didn’t
know they were men...if some fucking midget Arab didn’t tear their wigs
and their tits off.
MR. EVANS
Now we can’t be sure of that,
can we? Because obviously you are a man.
MARLENE
(holding up the lipstick)
Not so obviously. Besides,
I am going to have the operation, darling. Then you will see I am more
feminine than any woman you have ever met. Just like this boa...all lightness
and willowyness and featheriness.
MIA
And pukiness.
MR. EVANS
I’m not so sure I like women
that feminine. Evelyn is, of course. And it’s a bit of a bore. I prefer
women with a certain amount of flame and fire.
MIA
(imitating Marlene)
Here I am, darling.
MR. EVANS
Yes, you seem to have a great
deal of flame and fire. Of course, you also have those incredible breasts,
even if they are a bit lopsided.
MARLENE
She used to be so flat-chested
if a wasp bit her on the chest1 it would have looked like she
had three tits.
MIA
One afternoon at the surgeon’s,
and they’ll never be again...I promise.
MR. EVANS
Not that I mind. I find it
rather exciting, their being lopsided. Unique, you know. I like unique
things.
MARLENE
Like me, darling.
MR. EVANS
Not quite that unique. But
as for your breasts, Sarah...
MIA
Mia.
MR. EVANS
Mia. I’m afraid other people
are used to the symmetrical kind. And I do prefer a woman who at least
appears on the surface like other women.
MARLENE
That’s me, darling. I guarantee
if you put the two of us in a room together and said that one of us was
a transvestite, nine out of ten would choose her.
MIA
Wolfgang...
MARLENE
I was married to her, remember?
And when I first met her on this yacht in Catalina, I was sure she was
a female impersonator. I even asked you, darling, remember? I asked whether
I hadn’t seen you perform at the Queen Mary, and when you thought I meant
the ship, I knew I was barking up the wrong palm tree.
MIA
Wolfgang...
MARLENE
Don’t take offense, darling.
Most of the great film stars of yesterday seemed like female impersonators.
Garbo, Hepburn, Crawford, Dietrich, Mae West, Bette Davis. I mean, darling,
what normal woman would act like any of them?
MR. EVANS
Be that as it may. I find
her extremely appealing. And sex was quite wonderful the other day. We
did make it together, didn’t we?
MIA
Beneath your mirrored ceiling.
MR. EVANS
Quite wonderful. I say, what
if we went away for a few days? Luxor, perhaps. We could see how it would
work out. I know a wonderful inn with Moorish arches and tiled patios.
El Corniche. And as for your lopsided chest, if perchance anyone I know
from IBM or the consulate or the club should see us, you can always wear
a khaftan.
MIA
It sounds like heaven.
MR. EVANS
They have mirrors at El Corniche,
too. They’re extra.
MIA
Paradise.
MARLENE
You are both looking in the
wrong direction.
MR. EVANS
And then there’s this sapphire
pool surrounded by a thousand date palms.
MARLENE
There are eight palms. Two
of them have blight.
MR. EVANS
When you’re in love, it seems
like a thousand. And the pool is so clear, you can see your reflection.
Oh damn. I forgot. We can’t, can we?
MIA
Your wife?
MR. EVANS
Your husband.
MIA
Douglas? It would serve him
right.
MR. EVANS
What are we waiting for?
(HE clasps her around
the waist. Together THEY begin to walk off stage right.)
MARLENE
A pox on both your mirrored
ceilings!
MIA
(imitating Marlene)
Goodbye, Wolfgang, darling.
Perhaps we’ll meet again in some other pyramid.
(to Mr. Evans)
God, you’re beautiful!
God, you’re...
MR. EVANS
(as THEY exit)
For heaven’s sake, don’t
stop!
MARLENE
You only won because Lufti
stole my wig and my tits. If you should get a wedding dress in the mail,
bitch, if I were you, I wouldn’t try it on.
(suddenly contrite)
The least you can do
is give a poor girl a lift back to Cairo.
(HE exits after them.
Lights dim, rise behind the scrim. TAHA is standing, leaning against the
entrance to the Grand Gallery, stifling a yawn.)
LADY GORDON
The 22nd Dynasty? Was that
it?
(TAHA knocks twice on the stone wall.)
Oh, dear. Where was I?
I may be running out of dynasties. 22nd, was it? I’m getting rather tired,
you know. I do wish we could get to the bottom of this so we can all go
home.
(At these words, TAHA pounds furiously on the stone wall.)
What did I say? I must
have said something. The 22nd Dynasty? Is that what you belong to?
DOUGLAS
Excuse me. May I ask a question?
LADY GORDON
Who are you? Oh, yes. One
of the husbands.
DOUGLAS
Is it that you want no one
to desecrate your tomb? That you want us all to get the hell out of here?
(TAHA goes wild,
jumps up and down, starts babbling in mummy-talk.)
GALYA
Oi, I’m dying!
SPEED
I’m goin’! I’m goin’!
(HE pushes his way
past the others. LUFTI follows. Lights dim, come up in front of scrim.
SPEED appears breathless and frightened on the top boulder. HE jumps to
the ground and makes a dash to the right. LUFTI appears from the pyramid.)
LUFTI
Wait, dark man of my dreams!
(LUFTI leaps to the
ground and races to Speed’s side.)
SPEED
Wasn’t nothin’ about a five-thousand-year-ole
mummy in my vision. Dig my hands. They still shakin’ and cold as ice.
LUFTI
Let me warm them. Feel good?
SPEED
Yeah.
LUFTI
Where were you planning on
spending the night?
SPEED
Right here, man. But not
now. I don’ wanna desecrate no tomb.
LUFTI
I have a very comfortable
apartment near Liberty Square in Cairo. You would do me an honor if you
would be my guest.
SPEED
Hey, man. I don’t...
(LUFTI continues
massaging Speed’s hands, then moves up to Speed’s muscular arm.)
LUFTI
You don’t what?
SPEED
I don’t know what’s happenin’
here, but you beginnin’ to look kinda cool with that blonde hair and that
black mustache. Kinda like this here bearded lady in this carnival back
in Louisville when I was a kid. I used to jack off thinkin’ about her.
LUFTI
My beard grows very fast.
In the meantime, I get a false one, I let my hair grow. I dye it blonde.
SPEED
Kinda nice to be catered
to.
LUFTI
Then you will come?
SPEED
What I got to lose? I already
fathered the next Messiah.
LUFTI
I will take time off from
my job at the drugstore. I am a pharmacist.
SPEED
Hey, man, you shittin’ me?
LUFTI
And I will show you Egypt
as it has not been seen since Caesar. We will walk along the Mediterranean
in Alexandria and Port Said. We will sail down the Nile. I shall row. I
will take you through the Great Temple of Amon at Karmak. Then the temple
at Edfu...
(MARLENE enters from
stage right.)
MARLENE
How gross. They wouldn’t
even take me down to the main road.
(stopping and seeing Lufti)
Lufti, you asshole! Give
me my wig and my tits back!
(MARLENE rushes at
him, tackles Lufti to the ground. THEY wrestle with MARLENE clawing and
scratching until he has finally retrieved both the hair and the falsies.)
LUFTI
Selfish bitch. You could
lend them to me for awhile. You have dozens at home.
MARLENE
Get your own wig and tits!
LUFTI
May your feather-boas be
dipped in elephant dung! May you have a gangbang with orangutans and wake
up with crabs the size of spiders!
(MARLENE ignores
him, pulls out a huge mirror from his bag and hands it to Speed.)
MARLENE
Be an angel, darling.
LUFTI
May you go swimming in the
Suez and be crushed to death by an Israeli freighter!
MARLENE
A little higher, darling.
LUFTI
May you spend the rest of
your life in Ramada Inns! May someone steal your passport and discover
your real age!
(going to Speed)
Come. We go.
SPEED
Hold on, man. What happened
to my Mary?
MARLENE
A little lower, darling.
That’s right. Mary who?
LUFTI
The blonde chick with the
moveable tits.
MARLENE
Mia, darling. Not Mary.
SPEED
What happened to her?
MARLENE
Gone. With this perfectly
ghastly Englishman. Thank you, darling.
SPEED
Where to?
MARLENE
Where to what?
SPEED
Where’d my Mary go to?
MARLENE
Pacoima.
SPEED
Huh?
MARLENE
Just a little joke, darling.
She went to Luxor. An inn called El Corniche. Expensive, but tacky.
SPEED
Can we drive there?
LUFTI
Impossible in my jeep. It
takes four days and four nights provided we are not attacked by vultures.
MARLENE
Would you believe two and
a half hours? The way he drives make it two. Short people drive very fast.
It makes them feel taller.
LUFTI
(under his breath)
I’ll never forgive you
for this. You come into my drugstore again, and you pay for your own goddamned
sandwiches.
MARLENE
There are other drugstores...and
other Egyptian countermen.
SPEED
Hey, man, I thought you said
you was a pharmacist!
MARLENE
The only prescription he
can fill is a tuna on rye.
LUFTI
If I ever see you again,
you cunt, I’m going to tear off your tiny cock and save you the expense
of the operation.
SPEED
Luxor. El Corniche. What
are we waiting for? You comin’?
LUFTI
(bitterly satirizing Speed)
Yeah, man. Sure, man.
SPEED
Maybe when I see her and
we make it again, we can have twin Messiahs.
LUFTI
I wonder if at this time
of night there is a wig shop still open in Cairo.
(LUFTI and SPEED
exit.)
MARLENE
Wait! How about a lift back
to Heliopolis? Whatever happened between us, Lufti darling, I forgive you!
(As MARLENE rushes
off, DOUGLAS and MRS. EVANS appear on the boulder. HE helps her down.)
DOUGLAS
At least we know now what
he wanted.
MRS. EVANS
It’s so extraordinary. I
can’t wait to tell Mr. Husayn. Is your life always this exciting?
DOUGLAS
Is yours?
MRS. EVANS
That’s the whole point. It
wasn’t exciting at all until I met you.
DOUGLAS
I’d hardly call a roomful
of silicone testicles exciting.
MRS. EVANS
Where did everyone go?
DOUGLAS
Everyone who?
MRS. EVANS
My husband. Your wife. My
houseboy. Our transvestite.
DOUGLAS
Who cares? Listen, my love,
do you believe in God?
MRS. EVANS
What a curious question.
DOUGLAS
Not at all.
MRS. EVANS
It is for me.
DOUGLAS
Why for you?
MRS. EVANS
Because I’ve always longed
for someone to ask me that...only no one ever has.
DOUGLAS
Until now.
MRS. EVANS
Yes, and I can’t wait to
answer you. I believe 3/l6ths in God.
DOUGLAS
(aside)
I think I’m going to
be sorry I asked.
MRS. EVANS
You see, some years ago,
after my father was run down by a lorry in Leicester Square, my mother
went on holiday in Spain. And every night I prayed for four things. One:
that she would meet a man on her trip. Two: that the man would be extremely
wealthy, because poor Father had invested his last shilling in a non-existent
oil well.
DOUGLAS
Where?
MRS. EVANS
That was just the point.
Not only was the oil well nonexistent, but so was the country it was supposed
to be in. Mother was so greedy, and Father was such an easy mark. Anyway,
those were the first two things. The third was that she would marry this
extremely wealthy man; and four, that she would live in a distant land
where he would take her as soon as possible.
DOUGLAS
And only 3/l6ths came about.
MRS. EVANS
On the contrary. She did
meet a man, he was extremely wealthy, and she went to live with him in
a foreign land. Only she didn’t marry him. I did.
DOUGLAS
Then you should believe three-quarters
in God.
MRS. EVANS
On the surface of it, yes.
But since the whole point was that this should happen to mother and not
me, I took away 1/2 which gave me 3/8ths. When I learned what a narcissist
Evelyn was, I took away another quarter, leaving 3/32nds. Then when I realized
what an ironic and nasty trick God had played, I took away another quarter
which gave me 3/l28ths. But I didn’t want to be completely unfair to God...and,
after all one—quarter and one—quarter do make 1/2, and 1/2 of 3/8ths is
3/l6ths...so 3/l6ths it was.
DOUGLAS
You’re not a CPA in your
spare time, are you?
MRS. EVANS
The moral, I guess, is never
marry a man who has the same name as you.
DOUGLAS
I’ll remember that.
MRS. EVANS
Why did you ask me about
God?
DOUGLAS
Because look what’s happened
to us tonight. I arrive here because my wife has lost a diamond ring supposedly
at this site earlier in the day. You have arrived here because of a note
you thought was meant for you, but was actually meant for your husband
since it was sent by a transvestite who just happened to be the ex-husband
of my wife who lost the ring. You then mistake me for the man you think
has sent you the note. What greater indication is there of a force working
outside our control? Run away with me.
MRS. EVANS
But what if God is playing
the same trick on us that he played with my mother and Evelyn? What then?
DOUGLAS
We can give it a try. Let’s
go away somewhere for just a week perhaps. To see how we’d fare.
MRS. EVANS
What’s a week? It’s four
years that count.
DOUGLAS
Then we’ll try it for four
years. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll bring you right back here where I found
you... and you can wait for the next American ventriloquist.
MRS. EVANS
Oh, Douglas, don’t joke about
something so serious.
DOUGLAS
My darling, one can’t control
the future. One can’t live searching for that kind of security. But please
let’s give it a try. One week...two weeks...
MRS. EVANS
It’s so tempting. But my
mother...
DOUGLAS
The devil with your mother.
Let’s go away somewhere where we can be completely alone. No wives, no
mothers, no husbands, no mummies.
MRS. EVANS
Yes! Yes, I will!
DOUGLAS
Come, then. We have no time
to lose.
MRS. EVANS
And I know just the place.
It’s this darling little inn in Luxor.
(THEY exit. LADY GORDON appears on the second boulder.)
LADY GORDON
Yoo—hoo! Evelyn! Where are
you going with that American? Come back here. She pretended she didn’t
hear me. And what is she doing with him when that little lame weasel ventriloquist
she really loves is still in the pyramid?
(We hear a car starting up.)
I’ll try the other Evelyn.
Evelyn! Taha! Where is everybody? And how the devil am I going to get down
from here?
(MARLENE enters from stage right.)
MARLENE
That sawed-off little Egyptian
prick wouldn’t take me. And neither would my ex-wife’s husband and Evelyn’s
soon-to-be ex-wife. How am I going to get back?
LADY GORDON
You there! Was that my daughter
who just got into that car with that American?
MARLENE
So what if it was? They still
wouldn’t give me a ride back to Cairo.
LADY GORDON
But we must stop them!
MARLENE
Why?
LADY GORDON
Because it looks like they’ve
run off together. And where is my son-in-law?
MARLENE
He has already run off. With
the other American.
LADY GORDON
Your ex-wife?
MARLENE
Don’t remind me.
LADY GORDON
But where did they go to?
MARLENE
Luxor. El Corniche.
LADY GORDON
How ghastly! Please. You
must help me down.
MARLENE
I have hurt my ankle.
LADY GORDON
What has that to do with
it? You haven’t hurt your wrists. Or maybe you have...years ago.
MARLENE
I am used to others helping
me down.
LADY GORDON
How very self-obsessed of
you.
MARLENE
And I do not help down those
who hate Germans.
LADY GORDON
Hate Germans? Wherever did
you get that idea? I adore Germans. I’ve spent a fortune on holiday in
Garmische. I have all my knockwurst flown in from Wuppertal. I bought my
daughter an electronic Olympia when she decided she wanted to write romance
novels. And my son-in-law drives not only a Porsche, but a Mercedes. If
it weren’t for our family, the entire German economy would collapse.
MARLENE
But underneath we are all
krauts.
LADY GORDON
Pas de tout. Underneath
you are a terribly kind and gentle people who dress up in your liederhosen…or
your picture hats with your little veils…and sing and bring enchantment
to ratskellars.
(aside)
Between wars.
(back to Marlene)
Really, my dear, do help
me down. It’s been a terribly trying evening...having my son-in-law run
off with an American and my daughter with one of the American’s husbands...and
trying to communicate with a five-thousand-year-old mummy. I’ve been deserted
by our houseboy, and I don’t even know whether my taxi is still waiting.
MARLENE
Taxi?
LADY GORDON
It was waiting by the other
side of the pyramid. It’s costing me a small fortune, and I fear I shall
be unable to afford such extravagances if it is true what you say about
my son-in-law and the plain American lady with the lopsided breasts and
the husbands.
MARLENE
Are you going back to Heliopolis?
LADY GORDON
Certainly. Do you live there,
too?
MARLENE
Yes, darling. I will be delighted
to help you down. Easy, darling. A woman of your age must be very careful
of falls. It killed George Bernard Shaw when nothing else could.
LADY GORDON
You really are a dear...boy...girl?
What do I call you?
MARLENE
Fraülein von Shluto.
But to you, darling, just plain Marlene.
LADY GORDON
And what an enchanting outfit!
I remember Evelyn Laye wore one just like it when I was a girl. Or was
it Ivor Novello?
(to herself)
The El Corniche in Luxor.
MARLENE
You are going there?
LADY GORDON
I will do anything to save
a marriage.
MARLENE
Ah, but you pass through
Cairo on your way.
LADY GORDON
Yes, dear, but the very last
person I would take would be a kraut. And the very, very last person would
be a kraut in women’s clothing. Ta—ta.
(calling as SHE exits)
Driver. The El Corniche
in Luxor.
MARLENE
(shouting after her)
Scheiss Dich aus Du
blöde Englishe Kuh!
(MARLENE sinks into
the Guard’s chair.)
MARLENE
I have never had a more miserable
night!
(Lights dim, rise
inside pyramid. GALYA, MOISHE and TAHA, still in bandages, are in the Chapel
pressing the stones.)
TAHA
Well, I thought they would
never leave.
MOISHE
Quick! We must hurry. Get
those bandages off, Hymie, and help.
GALYA
Wait. This is not working.
There is only one way to get to the secret chamber.
MOISHE
And that is?
GALYA
The same way I got there
the first time.
MOISHE
You don’t mean...
GALYA
That big sensational black
hunk had me pinned against the wall. He was squeezing me, grabbing me,
biting me, kissing me.
MOISHE
Oh, no! Oh, no!
GALYA
There is no other way. For
thousands of years, people have probably been trying to find that chamber.
They have most likely been poking walls just like we have done, but without
success. Tonight we learned the truth. There is something in the way a
man seduces a woman which can open stone.
MOISHE
That is the dumbest thing
of all the dumb things you have said since I first recruited you in Jackson
Heights. Hymie got in there without screwing anyone, didn’t you, Hymie?
TAHA
I hate to say this, Moishe,
but no.
MOISHE
But the English lady you
work for...she saw you in it.
TAHA
I was never in it. I was
here in the Chapel bandaging myself. She tripped over me. She was so frightened
she didn’t remember where she’d seen me.
GALYA
You see!
TAHA
I’m sorry, Moishe. Forgive
me for telling the truth.
MOISHE
I don’t care. I’m not going
to...
GALYA
I don’t want you any more
than you want me. After that fantastic stud, already carrying his child,
the next Messiah, I should stoop as low as you? But I have no other choice.
For the good of my country, I will do anything.
MOISHE
How do I get into these situations?
GALYA
Hymie, get out of here, Moishe
and I have work to be done.
TAHA
Poor Moishe. I will meet
you outside...if you survive.
MOISHE
Wait! Take the torch. I can’t
bear to do this and look at her at the same time.
(TAHA takes the flashlight
and wends his way down the Ascending Passage.)
MOISHE
All right. Where do we start?
GALYA
Here. I was standing here.
Joseph had his body pressed against mine. Press, Moishe, press.
MOISHE
I’m pressing.
GALYA
You call that pressing?
MOISHE
With you, it’s pressing.
GALYA
Forget about me. Forget about
you.
MOISHE
That’s like asking Israel
to forget about Syria.
GALYA
Think of the chamber. Think
of what our country will gain.
(MOISHE shuts his eyes tightly and presses as hard as he can.)
GALYA
Better. Then he grabbed my
hair and tossed my head to the side and opened my mouth with his fingers.
MOISHE
Hair...head...mouth...fingers...
GALYA
Harder.
MOISHE
Hair...head...mouth…fingers...
GALYA
Harder!
MOISHE
Hair...head...mouth...fingers...
GALYA
Oh, yesssss!
MOISHE
Now what?
GALYA
For the love of Israel, Moishe,
fuck me!
(As she says this,
the revolving stones open and take them both inside. Lights dim and rise
in front of scrim. MARLENE is seated in the Guard’s chair, looking very
forlorn. From the left, GUARD enters, groggy, disoriented. HE is holding
his head and muttering in Egyptian. MARLENE flashes him a winning smile.)
MARLENE
Oh, Guard. Guard, darling.
Is that your little car parked out there? You wouldn’t be going into Cairo,
perchance? I’ll make it worth your while. Sakkara? I’m not fussy, really.
(GUARD makes a disgusted sound and shuffles offstage right.)
Wait! Please wait!
(Sound of an accelerated engine is heard. MARLENE sinks back into the
chair.)
He tried to rape Mia,
and he wouldn’t even look at me. I’m much sexier than she is. I’ll just
have to get larger falsies. Men have such gross tastes. Oh, what a miserable
night this is! I’ve probably broken my ankle, and I have no way of getting
home. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me. I wish I were dead.
(TAHA appears on
the top boulder, still swathed in bandages. HE sees Marlene, sets down
the flashlight and decides to have a little fun. Stealthily, HE climbs
down and holds out his arms in the most menacing manner.)
TAHA
Oooo ba dooo ba doooo....
(MARLENE turns slowly,
cannot believe what he sees. TAHA is advancing upon him. Suddenly MARLENE
throws back his head in his sexiest manner, rises gracefully, places one
hand on his hip and begins to slink toward Taha.)
MARLENE
(singing)
Ich bin von Koph bis
Fuss auf liebe eingestellt...
CURTAIN
