RENDEZVOUS IN SAKKARA
 

ACT ONE


In two, we see a backdrop of King Menthesuphis II’s Pyramid in Sakkara. Or, rather, we see a section of it with two large boulders flanking the backdrop on the far left leading ostensibly to the entranceway offstage. In truth, there is no such pyramid in Sakkara, but then there was no King Menthesuphis II, either.

The backdrop is actually a scrim, and behind the scrim we will see part of the interior of the pyramid. Sitting near the first boulder in a tattered canvas chair is a fat, sleepy EGYPTIAN GUARD, gazing up at the stars and picking his nose.

In a moment, TAHA PASHA enters stealthily. He is slight and Semitic-looking. He carries an old-fashioned torch, unlit, in his right hand. HE tiptoes toward the Guard and bashes him over the head with it. HE motions offstage. EVELYN EVANS hastens on, breathless and beautiful. She is very English, very well-bred, but of a former era of china teacups and lunches at Claridge’s. We will refer to her not as Evelyn but as Mrs. Evans for reasons you will discover later.  (Evelyn, by the way, is pronounced with the long "E" as the English would pronounce it.)
 
MRS. EVANS
So fast, Taha? Are you sure he’s drugged?

TAHA

Rather, madam.

MRS. EVANS

What kind of drug did you use, for heaven’s sake?

TAHA

Hard drug. Very hard.

MRS. EVANS

Taha Pasha, you never cease to amaze me. No one else in Cairo...or, for that matter, all of Africa, has a houseboy like you.

TAHA

I am honor, madam. (pointing to entranceway) And there...freedom. (SHE suddenly draws back.) What is matter?

MRS. EVANS

I don’t know. All at once I’m frightened.

TAHA

But so excitement you have when you get letter.

MRS. EVANS

I’m still excited...terribly, thrillingly excited. But at the same time terrified. Oh, Taha, an anonymous letter...a rendezvous in a pyramid...nothing like that has ever happened to me. It’s probably never even happened to Mr. Evans. Although I daresay we can’t be sure, can we? I mean, any man who is driving his Porsche in front of the Museum of Islamic Art and gets peed on by a camel...

TAHA

Camel very high. Porsche very low. Window very open.

MRS. EVANS

Even if that’s possible, and I’m not saying it isn’t, how on earth does one also meet a potential lover in a situation like that? You saw her, Taha. He had the audacity to bring her home with him. To help wipe him off, I suppose. It’s a good thing I was out shopping with mother.

TAHA

Good thing.

MRS. EVANS

Was she...very beautiful?

TAHA

Face very small...breasts very large.

MRS. EVANS

And he’s big on breasts.
                                      (sadly)
I remember just after our wedding. An old actress at a party in Chelsea told me that the outside limit of romantic love was four years. We celebrated our fourth anniversary last May, and he’s been playing around ever since. I don’t know how she arrived at that figure, but she was absolutely correct. Four years.

TAHA

                                      (aside)
Would you believe a month and a half?

MRS. EVANS

What did you say?

TAHA

It grow late, madam. He maybe wait in Grand Gallery.

MRS. EVANS

How could he, Taha? He had to get past the guard. He didn’t mention a word about the guard in his letter. Listen: (pulling out a crumpled piece of blue stationary) "Dear Evelyn Evans——— I have seen you for a month now passing outside my apartment window. You are the most beautiful creature in the world."
                                         (looking up)
I’m not, you know.
                                        (back to the letter)
"Please will you meet me this evening within the Grand Gallery of the Dwarf Pyramid at Sakkara." Why do they call it the Dwarf Pyramid?

TAHA

King Menthesuphis II was two feet tall.

MRS. EVANS

Really? Was he a dwarf?

TAHA

No. Very tall.

MRS. EVANS

Tall? At two feet?

TAHA

Very tall if you are eleven months old.

MRS. EVANS

Oh, I see!
                                     (returning to the letter)
"...the Grand Gallery of the Dwarf Pyramid in Sakkara. If you do not appear I shall kill myself. I adore you. An admirer." Then there’s a postscript in a foreign language. I believe it’s German. "Ich bin von Koph bis Fuss auf Liebe eingestelt." I do hope he’s not German. Mother would be terribly upset. But, you see, Taha, not a word about the guard. Obviously, he is not terribly practical.

TAHA

Obviously.

MRS. EVANS

And there’s a curious scent about the stationary. Oh, Taha, what if he turns out to be hideous...or a madman?

TAHA

The proof of puddings...

MRS. EVANS

I’m not used to this sort of thing, Taha. I wasn’t like the other girls in Knightsbridge. I was never promiscuous. How could I be with mother? Not that I don’t love her...or that I resent her living with us. She’s awfully clever, you know, and she does think things out terribly logically.

TMIA

Oh, yes. Terrible logical is Lady Duff-Smythe-Cooper-Gordon.

MRS. EVANS

Of course, after it’s all thought out and viewed from every aspect, one doesn’t want to do whatever it was one wanted to do in the first place, does one? But where was I?

TAHA

Promiscuous.

MRS. EVANS

Oh, yes. You see how my mind does get lost and how I’ve always depended on mother to set me back on the path? Only I do wish it weren’t always the path to virtue. Anyway, I was telling you I was a virgin when I married Mr. Evans. Well, practically. I mean, there was that incident in Kensington when mother took a holiday in Spain. But we won’t go into that. Even when she wasn’t there, she was. I really belong to another age, you know. Lace handkerchiefs and cotillions and antimacassars...and Heathcliff. Oh, Heathcliff...

TAHA

                                        (nervously regarding his watch)
Come. We go. (HE takes her hand and leads her to the boulder, hoisting her up. HE lights the torch.)
MRS. EVANS
Sometimes I think the only reason Mr. Evans married me was because my name was Evelyn. Evelyn Evans and his wife, Evelyn Evans. If one only read the announcements, it would appear to be the perfect match for him. To marry himself. Then when he asked me to dye my hair the same color as his… (THEY exit. In a moment, from the left DOUGLAS and MIA KLETTS enter. They are both attractive Americans. MIA has a spectacular pair of breasts.  They both carry flashlights.)
DOUGLAS
You can’t expect to find the damned thing in the dark at this hour of the night in a fucking pyramid.

MIA

Of course I expect to find it. Besides, it’s not Cheops. It’s a small pyramid. That Pharaoh was only two feet tall.

DOUGLAS

Yeah, but they buried him in a crib ten stories high.

MIA

I don’t care. I must find it.

DOUGLAS

And there’s something spooky about a pyramid at night. There’s something spooky about a pyramid at any time, but especially at night, You remember the story about Napoleon the guide told us...spending the night in the pyramid at Giza and coming out the next morning white as a ghost and refusing to ever talk about what happened.

MIA

Oh, Napoleon. He was probably molested as a child.
                                    (going toward the Guard)
Let’s ask the Guard. Maybe someone turned it in.

DOUGLAS

An eighteen carat diamond encrusted with emeralds? I can just see someone in this poverty-stricken country turning it in.

MIA

Don’t you trust anyone?
                                      (to Guard)
Excuse me.
                                     (to Douglas)
How do you say excuse me in Egyptian?

DOUGLAS

Men fàdlik.

MIA

Men fàdlik, sir.
                                     (No response.)
Men fàdlik.
                                     (viciously shaking him)
Men fàdlik, goddamnit! Will you wake up? Look at that. All the Arabs are on dope.

DOUGLAS

So what’s to guard? The English stole everything eighty years ago. And there’s no proof you lost it inside.
                                     (consulting his guidebook)
You could have lost it this morning at the El Ashar Mosque, the School Mosque of El Guhri, the Mosque of Sultan El Muayyad, the Mosque of Kigmas ElIshaki, the Mosque of El Mardani, the School Mosque of Sultan Shaban.. .would you say it’s been a rather mosquey morning? (HE winces at his bad joke. MIA ignores it.)
MIA
I tell you I had it at lunch at the hotel.

DOUGLAS

Then you could have lost it in the lobby, on the floor of the limousine, here in the desert. How would you like to start combing the desert?

MIA

Don’t be such a smartass.

DOUGLAS

But it’s insured!

MIA

I don’t care if it is insured. It’s mine. It was made especially for me by my daddy. There’s not another one in the world like it.

DOUGLAS

We’ll have a duplicate made.

MIA

It won’t be from my daddy.

DOUGLAS

You’ll close your eyes and pretend it’s from your daddy.

MIA

How can I pretend it’s from my daddy when my daddy’s gone?

DOUGLAS

Of course your daddy’s gone. He was sixty-two when you were born.

MIA

You would say something like that about daddy. After he put up all the money for your lousy company! Without daddy, you’d be back in a sea of hot fudge. The only man in America who opened an ice cream parlor across the street from the Beverly Hills Health Club!

DOUGLAS

Daddy would have financed a stage coach route from Abilene to Cheyenne if it meant getting you away from that transvestite hairdresser you were married to.

MIA

Let me tell you something about that "transvestite hairdresser". He was better in the sack, my dear, than you ever thought of being!

DOUGLAS

                                   (pulling out a pack of cigarettes)
How would you know? You only did it twice.

MIA

Lower your voice. You’ll wake the guard. And please don’t smoke.

DOUGLAS

We’re out in the open air, for Christ’s sake!

MIA

Secondary smoke is still secondary smoke.

DOUGLAS

                                   (to himself)
So is secondary love.
                                   (to her)
All right. We’ll look for the damned thing.

MIA

                                   (by the first boulder)
Help me up.

DOUGLAS

I still don’t understand how it could have slipped off like that. You’ve worn it ever since I met you, and it never slipped off. I used to think it was part of your finger.

MIA

It was that diet your rotten sister recommended. The only weight I lost was in my hands.
                                 (as HE hoists her up)
Be careful of the tits.

DOUGLAS

You and those damned tits. I told you there’s nothing to worry about. Kletts-Kleinman makes the best, most reliable body prosthesis parts in the world.

MIA

I’ve been down to the plant. Be careful of the tits.

DOUGLAS

You had them done two months ago. Every time we get into bed, that’s all you can say, "Be careful of the tits." What do you think we use in our implants...jellied consommé?

MIA

Help me down.

DOUGLAS

You just wanted me to help you up.

MIA

Help me down, I said. The limousine was over there, wasn’t it?...where that black Porsche is parked. Funny, that Porsche looks like...

DOUGLAS

What?

MIA

Oh, nothing. I think I had it on when we got out. Let me just check.

DOUGLAS

I’ll wait here.

MIA

Terrific. I could be attacked or something, and how would you know? (SHE switches on the flashlight and exits right.)
DOUGLAS
                                        (calling after her, as he lights his cigarette)
If I hear you scream, "Be careful of the tits!" (The front lights dim and those behind the scrim rise. We now see the interior of King Menthesuphis II’s pyramid. There is an Ascending Passage which is so narrow one must crouch slightly when traversing it. Halfway up, the passage breaks off into a very small passage which leads to a tiny chapel. The longer passage extends further up into a Grand Gallery. Well, it isn’t all that grand, but Menthesuphis wasn’t all that important, either. Along the stone walls are dim remnants of hieroglyphics. TAHA has set his torch down in the Grand gallery and is stealthily feeling the stones in the walls to see if he can make them move. MRS. EVANS is staring down the Ascending Passage.)
MRS. EVANS
He’s not coming, Taha. Taha? What are you doing?

TAHA

Looking for man who love you.

MRS. EVANS

In the stone? He’s not coming. I know he’s not.

TAHA

You go outside. Maybe he wait there.

MRS. EVANS

But he stated emphatically "in the Grand Gallery". Unless there’s some other Grand Gallery.

TAHA

He no practical. You say that.

MRS. EVANS

He’s not coming. I know that. (Obediently, SHE begins the descent down the passageway. Lights dim and come up in two. DOUGLAS is staring at the star-splattered sky. MRS. EVANS appears on the second boulder. She is overjoyed at seeing him.)
MRS. EVANS
I’ve been waiting inside! (DOUGLAS turns. There is a sting of music, then an impossibly romantic theme. He is as pleased with what he sees as she is.)
DOUGLAS
Where did you come from, you vision of loveliness?

MRS. EVANS

The Grand Gallery. That’s what you said in your letter.

DOUGLAS

Letter?
                                       (SHE waves the blue stationery in the air.)
Oh, letter.
                                      (HE shrugs, then smiles. Music continues as THEY gaze at each other.)

MRS. EVANS

Well?

DOUGLAS

Well, indeed.

MRS. EVANS

You either have to come up here or help me down.

DOUGLAS

Is this for real?

MRS. EVANS

It was your idea.

DOUGLAS

                                       (aside)
Maybe this is what Napoleon saw and why he spent the night. And the reason he couldn’t talk about it was Josephine.

MRS. EVANS

I beg your pardon.

DOUGLAS

You really want me to come up?

MRS. EVANS

That’s the whole purpose, isn’t it?

DOUGLAS

                                       (tossing his cigarette aside, to the Guard)
If a blonde lady comes here, tell her I’ll be back in a little while.  You’ll know her when she says "Be careful of the tits".
                                       (to Mrs. Evans, ascending the boulder)
You incredible fantasy woman!

MIA (o.s.)

DOUGLAASS!!!

DOUGLAS

Oh, shit!
                                       (to Mrs. Evans)
Listen. Wait for me inside. I’ll be there in a few minutes.

MRS. EVANS

I don’t under...

DOUGLAS

                                      (reaching up, taking her hand and kissing her fingertips)
I promise.

MIA (o.s.)

Our goddamned fucking limo driver left!  I told you not to give him any money!  Those slippery Arabian assholes!

MRS. EVANS

Your...wife?

 DOUGLAS

                                      (nodding reluctantly)
I think the trait that endears her to people the most is her political correctness.

 MRS. EVANS

She followed you?

DOUGLAS

All the way from San Diego.

MIA

Bring your flashlight! I need two! I think I found something!

MRS. EVANS

How long have you been married?

DOUGLAS

Four years.

MRS. EVANS

It figures.

MIA (o.s.)

Hurry up, goddamnit!

DOUGLAS

Farewell...for five minutes.

MRS. EVANS

Farewell. (Music abruptly stops. MRS. EVANS disappears stage right. DOUGLAS exits stage left. Silence. Then we hear a throaty German female voice singing.)
MARLENE (o.s.)
Ich bin von Koph bis Fuss auf Liebe eingestellt... (Onto the stage flounces MARLENE VON SHLUTO. Well, it’s really Wolfgang Shulz, but Marlene von Shluto is what he would like to be known as for the rest of his life. He is dressed---or, over-dressed---completely in drag, except for his blonde wig, his black picture hat with veil and his black feather boa, all of which he holds in his hands, He is followed on stage by a very young and virile Egyptian homosexual, LUFTI KAMIL. Lufti’s only drawback is that he is just a little taller than King Menthesuphis was.)
MARLENE
You are an angel to drive me here, Lufti darling. As it is, I am fifteen minutes late. But, like I always say, if they really want you, they will wait forever. Here, darling. Hold this.
                                         (HE pulls from his purse a huge mirror which LUFTI obediently holds so that
                                         MARLENE can put on his wig and his hat.)
I would find a butch number with a jeep. Oh, well, you can’t have everything. Darling, if you only had a little money and height to go with that dimple in your chin.
                                          (squeezing Lufti’s chin)
So sexy. Not him perhaps. But sexy nonetheless. What a shame we like the same kind of men. Except for black ones. You do love black ones, don’t you? Oh, my dear, you should have lived in California like I did. You would have gone out of your Egyptian mind in Pacoima.
                                          (spotting the Guard)
And speaking of men...I think...what do we have here?
                                          (going to him, pulling his head up, then letting it drop)
Strictly for indiscriminate necrophiliacs.

LUFTI

Wolfgang, you are insane.

MARLENE

Please, darling...Marlene.

LUFTI

Marlene. If you get off at the Bahnoff in Munich and yell, "Marlene!", forty German faggots will come running. Didn’t they produce any other woman in your country?

MARLENE

Eva Braun. But she made the mistake of staying on, poor darling.

LUFTI

I repeat. You are insane. He will not show up.

MARLENE

Have I got news for you, darling. That is his Porsche parked out there by the refreshment stand. Black like his heart. But that is all right, darling. I like black hearts. As long as they are covered in white muscle. And what beautiful white muscles he has! Oh, he is gorgeous...the handsomest man in Cairo.

LUFTI

And you wrote him that letter this morning. He does not know who you are or what you look like.

MARLENE

Oh, he has seen me. But he never looks, darling. He is too busy being looked at.

LUFTI

Is he not married?

MARLENE

To some bloodless little English thing. Could not hold his interest for more than two weeks. What he needs is a good solid gnaediges transvestite. And, darling, he is not only gorgeous, he is loaded! He inherited a fortune from his grandfather, who was one of the Lloyds of London. He, himself, has an absolutely stunning position with IBM in Cairo. It gives him half the day free to work out and blow kisses at himself in the mirror.

LUFTI

And such a man you are desperate for?

MARLENE

I have been autosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual and...one of these days...transsexual. What other challenge does life have to offer?

LUFTI

And, tell me, what happens when les jeux sont faits?

MARLENE

My darling, what on earth do you mean? As if I didn’t know. When the chips are down, you sexy midget, I simply have my period.

LUFTI

For three weeks you can have a period?

MARLENE

If it suits my purpose, twenty years. But Lufti, my love, my angel, I am an expert at what I do. You should try me sometime. And there are other means...and other ends. And who knows? He may fall as madly in love with me as I am with him. Lots of men have, you know.

LUFTI

Love! What do you know of love?

MARLENE

What do you...at your age? Although I am only a few years older, darling.

LUFTI

In love, I am consumed, demented. That is why I try to stay away from it.

MARLENE

Well, my little consumed, demented darling, as I was saying, he may fall so madly in love with me, he will finance the operation. And once I become a woman, I need never have a period again. We will live happily ever after surrounded by my feather boas and his photographs. Darling, please lift a poor girl. I would so hate a run in my stocking.
                                        (LUFTI hoists him up the first boulder. MARLENE blows a kiss.)
Goodbye, darling. You need not wait. I will return to Cairo by Porsche. If perchance you get a postcard from some ancestral estate in Devonshire, you will know everything went according to plan. (Lights rise behind scrim. TAHA and MRS. EVANS are still in the Grand Gallery. TAHA continues hitting the stones in the wall surreptitiously. The torch is propped up by the side of the room. TAHA anxiously looks at his watch. MARLENE has just entered the Ascending Passage.)
 
  MARLENE Evelyn! Evelyn Evans! MRS. EVANS It’s he! He’s coming!                                                                 TAHA I wait outside. MRS. EVANS No, don’t take the torch. I couldn’t possibly meet him in the dark. (SHE grabs it from him.)

                                                       TAHA

 But I need torch to see down passage... (HE grabs it back.) MRS. EVANS How dare you!

                                                                                                TAHA
Just hold it at entrance.

(Angrily, SHE takes it back. In the struggle, the flame blows out.)
  MRS. EVANS See what you’ve done! Quick! Light it.

                                                                                                TAHA
I cannot find match. What did I do with match?

MRS. EVANS What stupidity! Bringing a torch instead of a torch. I mean, an electric one.

           TAHA

Electric one no work due to camel pee.

            MRS. EVANS

That’s absurd!

TAHA

Mr. Evans have it on seat of car.

MARLENE

Evelyn, darling...wo sind sie?

MRS. EVANS

What curious things a pyramid does to one’s voice! Oh, Taha, hurry!

TAHA

I leave match in Porsche.

MRS. EVANS

You fool! Go! He’s coming! (In front of scrim, LUFTI is just leaving when DOUGLAS hurries on. The action in front and behind scrim is now simultaneous. TAHA is making his way down the Ascending Passage while MARLENE is making his way up it.)
DOUGLAS
Do you speak English? I saw you drive up in the jeep. Are you going back to Heliopolis? It’s a suburb of Cairo.

LUFTI

I was born in Cairo. (In the pyramid, TAHA collides with Marlene.)
MARLENE
There you are, my darling!

TAHA

Darling? (MARLENE reaches out to embrace him, but TAHA is considerably shorter than he and Marlene’s hands feel dank air.)
MARLENE
Wo bist du, gorgeous?

TAHA

Ich bin in front of your nose.

DOUGLAS

Could you do me a great favor? Our limousine driver suddenly took off.  Could you take my wife...that blonde lady over there in the sand on all fours.. .could you take her back to the Palace Hotel? (LUFTI hesitates. He is not pleased. He thought Douglas was putting the make on him. MARLENE, who has been groping wildly in front of himself, at last reaches Taha. HE feels Taha all over and is thoroughly repulsed.)
MARLENE
Yuckkk! Who are you?

TAHA

Don’t stop. It feel good.

DOUGLAS

I’ll pay you well. (Extracting his billfold, HE peels off several notes. LUFTI still hesitates.)
MARLENE
You’re not Evelyn!

TAHA

Neither are you.                              (HE seizes Marlene and passionately tries to wrestle him to the floor.)
MRS. EVANS
I’m Evelyn up here! What’s going on down there?

MARLENE

                                        (socking Taha on jaw)
Get away from me, you skinny swine! (Lights disappear behind scrim, remain on backdrop.)
LUFTI
I would rather take you.

DOUGLAS

                                         (embarrassed)
Oh? Well, I’m not going. She is.
                                        (MIA comes on, brushing the sand off her dress.)
Wait right there.
                                        (going to his wife)
I’ve just had a wild idea.

MIA

Don’t tell me.

DOUGLAS

I’ve decided like Napoleon to spend the night.

MIA

You...what???

DOUGLAS

I want to know what he saw.

MIA

He was in Cheops...not here. And if you think for one second I’m going to sleep on some dank dirt floor...

DOUGLAS

Not you, love. I wouldn’t think of putting you through anything so uncomfortable. That nice young man over there is going to take you back to the hotel.

MIA

What kind of rotten trick are you trying to pull, you bastard! I saw that aging blonde chick with that silly Joan Crawford hat. Don’t give me any of that shit about wanting to sleep in a pyramid just like Napoleon.

DOUGLAS

Please, darling. Don’t get up tight, Look...
                                      (leading her toward Lufti)
Mr....?

LUFTI

Kamil.

DOUGLAS

Mr. Kamil is a gem of a little fellow. You will be perfectly safe with him.

MIA

All right. Two can play at that game, you know. I haven’t been exactly celibate since we hit Cairo.

DOUGLAS

You couldn’t prove that by me.

MIA

It just so happens that Monday afternoon while you were out peddling your silicone boobs and balls...exactly what Egypt is dying for...I met this absolutely unbelievable creature outside the Museum of Islamic Art.

DOUGLAS

Yes, dear. How nice for you, Look it’s getting late...

MIA

He had a black Porsche exactly like the one out there. It just so happens that a camel peed on him.

DOUGLAS

Tsk, tsk. Poor fellow.

MIA

It’s true, goddamnit! This camel peed on him...and I called a cab because the smell in his Porsche was unbearable. Camel pee is worse than cat pee.

DOUGLAS

Sure, because there’s more of it.

MIA

And we went back to his exquisite home near the Kabba Gardens and we...

DOUGLAS

                                       (kissing her cheek)
Goodbye, my love. Take good care of her, Mr. Kamil. If anything ever happened to my darling, God knows what I would do. (HE jumps onto the boulder and collides with TAHA, who is just coming out of the pyramid.)
DOUGLAS
Who are you?

TAHA

Who are you?

MIA

Lousy prick!

                                                                                           TAHA
Oh, I see.

                                          (DOUGLAS exits left.)

MIA

I don’t know how much my husband paid you, but is there a telephone around here?

LUFTI

There is a restaurant down the road.

MIA

Take me there.
                                         (fishing in her purse)
Good. I’ve got the number. I may not be going back to Heliopolis after all. (THEY exit stage right. TAHA scratches his head, looks in both directions, Then HE turns and begins to exit left. Just as he does a booming female voice with a Yiddish accent shatters the silence.)
GALYA
Hymie! (GALYA DORFMAN storms on, followed by MOISHE TSVIE. Galya is short and dumpy; Moishe is tall and gangly.) Well?

TAHA

                                        (speaking now without his houseboy accent)
Not yet. Complications.

GALYA

With you, there are always complications.

TAHA

How the hell long have you been an Israeli spy?

GALYA

I will have you know I am as good an Israeli spy as you are!

                                                                                           TAHA
You couldn’t steal the plans to a bagel factory.

GALYA

Only you would want to steal the plans to a bagel factory.

MOISHE

Stop it you two.   This is of grave importance. I cannot believe such a thing in this pyramid exists. If it does, surely someone over the centuries would have found it.

TAHA

But I tell you, Moishe, it was the head of the Egyptian Museum himself who said it. At the Evanses’ dinner party Saturday night.

GALYA

Dinner parties…ach!

TAHA

Listen to her…dinner parties, ach! Dinner parties are the only place to get information. Who in his right mind would invite you to a dinner party?
                                   (under his breath)
The ugliest female in Tel Aviv.

GALYA

How would you like a hit in the head?

MOISHE

Go on, Hymie.

TAHA

A Rumanian archeologist has reinterpreted the hieroglyphics on a libation table from the tomb of Akhti-hotep. Akhti-hotep, as we Egyptologists know, was the chief of the treasury and the granary in the Vth dynasty. This libation table…before they thought that on it was simply a legend telling how the Pharaoh drinks too much. But now this Rumanian archeologist swears it was a code that in the tomb of the Baby King will be found a secret chamber which will reveal the most startling secrets the world has ever known.

GALYA

What startling secrets?

TAHA

If we knew that, they wouldn’t be either startling or secrets, would they? And it was important enough for the head of the Egyptian Museum to say that he is closing this pyramid at the beginning of next week in order to send a team of experts to find the secret chamber.

MOISHE

If this is true, Hymie, it will be to the credit of Israel to get the documents before the fucking Arabs do.

GALYA

Fucking Arabs...fucking Egyptians. Look what they did to Moses and our ancestors. Of course, if it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t have matzos, would we?

MOISHE

What are we waiting for?

TAHA

There is an unforeseen problem.

GALYA

Which is?

TAHA

The pyramid is a trifle crowded at the moment.

MOISHE

I don’t care. We cannot wait. (HE begins to scale the first boulder and skins his knee, falling backward.)
GALYA
Oh, Moishe, my dollink. What is it? What happened? Oi gott!

TAHA

No wonder they recalled her from Lebanon.

GALYA

Don’t just stand there...in the Subaru...a first-aid kit... bandages. Go, you fool!                    (TAHA runs off stage right.)
GALYA
Oi, tatele, tatele, speak to me!

MOISHE

Will you stop calling me tatele? What kind of name is that for the spy who broke the uncrackable Syrian-Iraqi code?

GALYA

So? A tatele can’t crack a code? (Lights dim on them, come up behind scrim. It is still dark. A match is struck. We see DOUGLAS holding the match, feeling his way through the narrow Ascending Passage. MARLENE is approaching the Grand Gallery, where MRS. EVANS remains.)
MARLENE
Evelyn!

DOUGLAS

No, Douglas.
                                        (striking another match)
Fuck. That cunt took my flashlight.

MARLENE

What fuck? What cunt?

MRS. EVANS

Here. I’m in here.

DOUGLAS

It sounds like two women. Maybe she’s twins. I always wanted to make it with twins.

MARLENE

He keeps changing his voice. Why did he call himself Douglas?

DOUGLAS

Why should she call me Evelyn?

MRS. EVANS

Why does he speak with that awful German accent sometimes? Oh, dear, I wish I could light the torch. Where is Taha? Taha!

MARLENE

                                        (calling back)
Marlene, darling!
                                        (aside)
He sounds so gay.

MRS. EVANS

Why does he call himself Marlene when he called himself Douglas before? I hope he isn’t one of those.

DOUGLAS

Who is Marlene? Who is Taha? Who is Evelyn?

MARLENE

                                          (singing)
"Who is Sylvia...what is she?"

DOUGLAS

Sylvia? What is this...a gangbang? (His match blows out. Lights dim, come up again in two. TAHA enters with a small first-aid kit and an enormous roll of bandages.)
TAHA
Where did you get this? At a rummage sale after the raid on Entebbe?

GALYA

                                         (grabbing the bandages and tending to Moishe’s knee)
Here, my Moishe.

MOISHE

It’s only a little cut.

TAHA

During Desert Storm, I’m told she bandaged everything in sight. She would have bandaged Saddam Hussein if anyone could have found him.

GALYA

The situation is terrible. We were supposed to be alone here. And now it appears the only way you could meet us was through a common illicit assignation.

TAHA

It is turning out to be anything but common. And how lucky we are that Mrs. Evans received that note. Otherwise, how could I have gotten here without being noticed?

GALYA

You need a pretext like that?! What a fekokte spy!

MOISHE

We have no time to lose. We must get in there.

TAHA

But I tell you that pyramid is getting crowded.

MOISHE

We must chance it. If the Egyptians find the secret chamber first...

GALYA

Here. Take this. (SHE stuffs the remaining bandages into Taha’s hands. He puts them in his tunic. GALYA helps MOISHE up on the first boulder.)
TAHA
All right. But if a very large German lady socks you on the jaw, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

MOISHE

Give me the flashlight.

TAHA

What flashlight?

MOISHE

You didn’t bring a flashlight?!

TAHA

I had a torch. It is now inside. Unlit.

GALYA

Schlemiel!

MOISHE

We have no alternative.

GALYA

You mean we do it in the dark?

TAHA

You should be used to that. (Lights dim, come up behind scrim. It is still very dark, but we can see DOUGLAS wending his way up the Ascending Passage, lighting match after match. At last the matches give out. MARLENE is just a bit further in front of him, MRS. EVANS is still at the entrance to the Grand Gallery.)
DOUGLAS
Damnit! Empty! (HE tosses the matchbook cover over his shoulder. HE is now upon Marlene, reaches out and feels him. MARLENE melts.)
MARLENE
Ummm. Evelyn! Evelyn!

DOUGLAS

Evelyn? I thought you were Evelyn.

MRS. EVANS

I’m Evelyn.

MARLENE

Sorry, darling. Maybe some other time...in some other pyramid.

DOUGLAS

Wait!
                                       (But MARLENE has moved further up the passage.)
Evelyn sounds like a girl...and this one feels like a girl. And this one leaves to go to that one. What the fuck’s going on here? (GALYA, MOISHE and TAHA appear at the bottom of the Ascending Passage wending their way up.  MOISHE is limping slightly.)
GALYA
I can’t see a thing!

MOISHE

Give me your hand. There.

GALYA

There what?

MOISHE

I will lead you.

GALYA

With what?

MOISHE

With your hand, of course.

GALYA

That’s fine...except my hand is here.

MOISHE

Then whose hand have I got?

TAHA

                                                 (in a high falsetto)
I don’t know, tatele darling, but it feels wonderful. (Lights dim, come up in two. SPEED DUCAYNE bursts onto the stage. He is a big husky Afro-American, brimming with vitality, affection and acid.)
SPEED
                                        (to the unconscious Guard)
Hey, man! Is this here the Dwarf Pyramid? This must be the Dwarf Pyramid. It says in this here guidebook: the Pyramid of the Baby Pharaoh. And this picture looks just like that structure. Woooweee! I’m here!
                                         (running to the base of the pyramid, falling to his knees and kissing it)
I’se here, massah, I’se here!
                                         (rising and returning to the Guard)
It’s what you A—rabs call kismet. You see, man, I was at this Acid House. That’s Acid House Industrial Underground Party. You got things like that in this part of the world, do ya? Anyhoo, we starts out with a little sweet Acapulco gold, then some kickass Turkish hash, a few hits o’ coke and ex...and then some shagadellic acid. It was right about then... you see, this chick was doing her thing on her knees smack in front o’ me...and the only reason I’m mentionin’ this, man, is not because she was a coolarific white chick...cause she was... but because that’s when the vision done hit me like wham—bam—shazam! I mean, it was just there, man. And I hears the words "Dwarf Pyramid" and the voice sayin’ "At the Dwarf Pyramid, you will find her"... like God talkin’ to Charlton Heston. Now you gonna laugh, dude, and you gonna say that’s a bunch o’ bullcrap like everyone else, man. But them were the very words the Voice spoke. Up till then, man, I ain’t never heard o’ nothin’ called the Dwarf Pyramid. So the next day, man, I logs on this dude’s Mac and looks up in the WWW. Well, maybe not the very next day. Don’t remember what happened the very next day. But it was when I regained consciousness. Maybe three—four days later. So in this here search engine there was this thing about this here Dwarf Pyramid in a place called Sakkara... which I remembered ‘cause it sounds like Sahara... and, wow, man, it was like bein’ hit by the planet Mars! So I had to come, ya hear? I had to quit my job on the Stock Exchange and scrape together as much cheese as I could. And I starts in readin’ every book about pyramids and pyramid power. And, man, I woulda thumbed my way across the Atlantic just to get here. ‘Cause I knew that vision was telling me no lie. And now...
                                          (Glancing offstage, HE stops dead in his tracks)
Shee-at! She’s comin’! I never thought she’d come as quick as that. I thought I’d have to kinda sit here and wait... maybe a day or two. But, wow, man, there she is! She got the vision, too. And look at them maracas! (HE stands back in awe as MIA enters, a triumphant smile upon her face, followed by LUFTI.)
MIA
Thank you very much, Mr. Kamil. I won’t need you any longer. My friend said he was leaving immediately.
                                        (glancing up at the pyramid)
I’ll get you, you prick! (LUFTI sees Speed and stops, mesmerized.)
MIA
You don’t have to stay, really. I’m not afraid. (LU FTI steps toward Speed as if in a trance. But SPEED rushes past him to Mia.)
SPEED
Girl, it’s you!

MIA

What?

SPEED

You had the vision, too!

MIA

What are you talking about?

SPEED

You knew I’d be here waitin’.

MIA

Leave me alone.

                                        (SHE begins to back away. SPEED grabs her.)

SPEED

You kickass blonde beeyatch...when did yours come?

MIA

Get your hands off a me!

SPEED

I had mine at this Acid House Industrial Underground Party. I saw it clear as butter and heard the Voice.

MIA

Don’t touch me!

SPEED

Only I didn’t see your face...jus’ a fuzzy outline. I never dreamed you’d be that stacked!

MIA

Mr. Kamil, do something. Get this maniac off a me!

SPEED

Girl, you blow me away. Did you see me in your vision?

MIA

Mr. Kamil, don’t leave me! (LUFTI has now gone behind Speed and is feeling his muscular back as SPEED is feeling Mia.)
LUFTI
I wouldn’t leave you for anything in this world.

SPEED

Hey, man. What’s with you?

MIA

Douglas!

SPEED

You had the vision! I had the vision!

MIA

What vision?

SPEED

You and me, girl. We gonna give birth to the next Messiah.

MIA

DOUGLAS!!!! (MIA extricates herself from Speed, scampers up the boulder.)
LUFTI
You wouldn’t consider a nice Egyptian mother? (SPEED jumps up after Mia, and LUFTI jumps up after Speed. Unbeknownst to them, onto the stage has come a very elegant, stately, self-possessed middle-aged woman, LADY DUFF-SMYTHE-COOPER-GORDON.)
LADY GORDON
Hello there. I say, excuse me.
                                        (ALL THREE stop.)
Are you going into that pyramid?
                                        (THEY simply stare at her.)
My daughter is in there. No, don’t tell me she isn’t, because her husband’s car is parked right out there by the refreshment stand. Would you do me a great favor and tell her to come out as soon as possible, that her mother is waiting. Her name, as if you didn’t know, is Evelyn Evans.

MIA

Her name?

LADY GORDON

I certainly know my daughter’s own name. (MIA descends from the boulder and approaches Lady Gordon with irritation.)
MIA
That is ridiculous.

LADY GORDON

My dear, I am too old for games.

MIA

Games? My husband is inside with some frowsy blonde hooker, this stoned maniac has chosen me to give birth to the next Messiah, and now you tell me that the man I’m waiting for is your daughter.

LADY GORDON

Are you an American?

MIA

Yes, I’m an American.

LADY GORDON

Oh, dear, what you have done to our country.

MIA

Evelyn Evans, the Evelyn Evans, who has a black Porsche just like the one parked over by the refreshment stand, is a man, a very handsome man. He lives in a beautiful home in Heliopolis, and I just spoke to him on the telephone not ten minutes ago.

LADY GORDON

My dear young lady...

MIA

I am not your dear young lady, and I haven’t done a thing to your country. Evelyn Evans was peed on by a camel outside the Museum of Islamic Arts on Monday afternoon… (SPEED sneaks up behind her and grabs her breasts. SHE screams. LUFTI sneaks up behind Speed and does the same thing to him. HE screams. MIA runs offstage right.)
MIA
Douglas! Mr. Kamil! Someone! Help! (SPEED dashes after Mia, LUFTI dashes after Speed.)
LADY GORDON
Perhaps I just don’t understand the young people of today.
 
 

CURTAIN
 
 


Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1