Funny crap to say to Telemarketers
Okay no offense to telemarketers out there.. but y'all are just too damn annoying. So for us annoyed people, we've designed a few methods to get rid of the telemarketer.. forever! (( Note: This resulted from a twisted IM conversation between Steph and Kat.. Lord knows what happened lmao. And also from the boredom of Kathleen. :P)) Disclaimer: None of the companies stated are real. If they are.. oops. We had nooo idea.
Method 1: Gross them out
by Kat and Steph
Now the LAST thing you want to hear on the phone is someone telling you they're taking a crap, right? Exactly our point. Let's let Cletus here demonstrate the situation..
-phone rings-
Cletus: Hello?
Telemarketer: Um, hello, I'm Jen from..
Cletus: URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH...
Telemarketer: ...uhm..Phonebooths, Inc, and I..
Cletus: Can you excuse me for a sec? I'm kinda on the crapper.. and havin' some problems here.. come on you sumbitch.. urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh...
Telemarketer: Uhm.. Sorry.. -click-
So as you can see, this is a perfect way to scare off a telemarketer - FAST!
Method 2: Death Stunt
by Kat and Steph
Now the best way to get rid of a telemarketer in less than 5 seconds is to simply say.. the person died! Now I know it's kind of a sadistic way to talk to a telemarketer, but it DOES get rid of them fast. Let's let Sally here demonstrate..
-phone rings-
Sally: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello, little girl. I'm from Blenderco. Is your daddy home?
Sally: -sniff-
Telemarketer: What's wrong?
Sally: He died 2 years ago.
Telemarketer: Oh.. I-I'm so sorry.. -click-
Jeesh.. not even polite enough to say GOODBYE! Well anyways, you saw how short that lasted.
Method 3: Question Them Out
by Kat and Steph
Okay this is a GREAT way to piss off a telemarketer and to guarantee they never call your house again. All you do is - answer them in question! They get annoyed by the first 5 minutes. And it's even more hilarious if it's a girl telemarketer, and you're a girl talking to her.. read what Wendy here did and you'll see..
-phone rings-
Wendy: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello, I'm from Cheapasscontractor, Inc. Is your dad home?
Wendy: Is he?
Telemarketer: That's what I was asking you.
Wendy: You were?
Telemarketer: YES! Now please, can I talk to him?
Wendy: I don't know, can you?
Telemarketer: Yes I can talk! Is your dad available?
Wendy: Is my dad available?
Telemarketer: Yes!
Wendy: Why are you so excited?
Telemarketer: I'm not! Just please, let me talk to your dad!
Wendy: My dad?
Telemarketer: YES! Argh, please just let me talk to him.
Wendy: Why should I?
Telemarketer: Because I need to offer him something!
Wendy: Well, what is it?
Telemarketer: It's our low price marketing plan..
Wendy: You wanna talk to him about THAT?
Telemarketer: Yes! Argh fine.. can I talk to your MOM?
Wendy: I don't know, can you?
Telemarketer: YES! Argh!!
Wendy: What's wrong?
Telemarketer: Kids like you..
Wendy: What about kids like me?
Telemarketer: You're all.. argh never mind.
Wendy: No, really, what is it?
Telemarketer: Alright, let's start over. Is your mom home?
Wendy: Is she?
Telemarketer: ARGH LOOK HERE YOU LIL BRAT I WANT YOUR MOM!
Wendy: Oh, sorry.. I didn't know you were lesbian.
Telemarketer: GAHHHHHHHH!! -click-
So you see, it's very fun to question out a telemarketer. And you don't even have to be mean or say anything wrong.. well maybe the lesbian part.. but you gotta admit that's funny.
Method 4: 3 Girl Sex Line
by Kathleen
You and at least 2 other friends pretend the number is to an automated answering machine for phone sex operators. This method was tested by Moonlight, Sunnee and Heaven. And also Clint comes in pretending to be one of the girl's boyfriends. This method works best when there are multiple phones in the building that are on the same line. And if the telemarketer is male and you and your friends are female. And vice versa. Also, have a guy there to pretend to be a boyfriend.
-Rings-
Moonlight: Hello?
Telemarketer (male): Hi there I would like to speak with..
Sunnee: You have reached the Galaxy Line of Wonders.
Telemarketer: This is Micyutorse...
Heaven: Who would you like in your dreams tonight? Yes we do make house calls.
Moonlight: Press 1 if you are male. Press 2 if you are female.
Sunnee: Press 3 if you want to apply for a job. Press 4 for tips on how to enhance your sex.
Telemarketer: Hmmm. -presses number-
Moonlight: Thank you for calling Galaxy Line of Wonders. You are now being connected.
Sunnee: Hi. What's your name?
Telemarketer: Uh. Darren.
Sunnee: Mmm. Hi Darren. So, what do you want to talk about?
Telemarketer: Anything.
Sunnee: -has a real-sounding, LOUD fake orgasm-
-Clint yells in background-
Clint: WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO AGAIN?!?!
-Clint grabs phone-
Clint: WHO'S THIS?!?!?!?!!?
Telemarketer: -hangs up-