Hobo Bob And Sally
By Kat and Caroline
Narrated by Simon Cowell
Southern Dialect Key: The'em= them, kee-yids= kids, 'ah= I, swe'r=swear, win'der= window, he'yer=here, 'spect= suspect, this's= this is, ee'n= in, hee'yer= here, don'= don't, wha'chu=what are you, 'bout= about, more'n= more than, ta'= to, 'ah'll= I'll, bah'= by, tha= the, yer= your, sounda= sound of,may= me, dee-yid= did, ay-um= am, wut'er= what are, hee-yer= here, lee-ive= live, tah'me=time
NOTE: They're actually means there in this story.
Summary: One day a homeless hobo wonders into Sally's house� through a WINDOW. He swears a little boy named "Kuh-lucka-lucka-loo" opened the window for him. Sally is bewildered� who is this "Kuh-lucka-lucka-loo"? And why is Hobo Bob in her prized "nook"?
[A hobo by the name of Bob starts knocking on a door� no answer.]
Hobo Bob: The'em disrespectin' modern southern kee-yids� 'ah swe'r.
[Hobo Bob goes around the house to find a win'der� I mean window� I did... really.]
Hobo Bob: Well lookie he'yer! I 'spect this's a win'der!
[Hobo Bob begins to beat on the window.]
Hobo Bob: let me ee'n hee-yer, little lady!
[ Suddenly, a little boy appears and opens the window.]
Little Boy: Well, there goes another set of blinds.
[ Little Boy checks out the damage.]
Hobo Bob: I don' know wha'chu talkin' 'bout. I a'int did that!
Little Boy: I JUST WHATCHED YOU DO IT!!! Y'know what? I'm just gonna ignore that. We gotta find you a hidin' place.
Hobo Bob: Why I gotta have a stinkin' hidin' place?! She'd be more'n happy ta' have me here!
Little Boy: Yeah.. that's what I thought. Two minutes after I got in the door, she chased me out with a broom. Then I got in through her blinds... and ruined them. Still think she wants ya'?!
Hobo Bob: Well, 'ah guess 'ah'll take that nook over they're. Bah' tha way, wut's yer name little boy?
Little boy: My name is... well I'm known as Hobo Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo.
Hobo Bob: Y'know wut? fo'gee'yet your name! 'Ah think 'ah'll call you Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo!
[Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo rolls his eyes, and becomes frantic.]
Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo: LOOK! I got to go... Uh, she's kinda comin'..... WHAT ARE YOY WAITIN' FOR?! GET IN YOUR NOOK!!!
Hobo Bob: Mah nook.. 'ah like the sounda that!
[Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo runs away while Hobo Bob gets in his nook, chanting "Mah noook. Mah noook."]
Lady: Stupid pranksters.... always knockin' on my door, and runnin away...
[Hobo Bob falls into a sudden, deep sleep... little does he know, he talks in his sleep.]
Hobo Bob: SNORE...Hickory Dickory Dock... SNORE... the hobo went up the clock.. SNORE...
Lady: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Who are you?! Why are you-- how did you--?! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! THERE'S A HOBO IN MY NOOK!!!!
Hobo Bob: WHAT THE--?! WHO ARE YOU?!
Lady: I ASKED YOU FIRST!
Hobo Bob: Nuh-uh! You say-ed "who are" you didn't finish! So YOU have to answer MAY first! HMPH! 'Ah beat you!
Lady: I guess you weren't awake yet! Look 5-7 lines up! I DID say "who are you"!!!!
Hobo Bob: Well, 'ah be derned, ya' dee-yid! Well, 'ah ay-um Hobo Bob... you can call me.... Hobo Bob! Now wut'er you doin' hee-yer?... and who are YOU?!
Lady: I'm Sally.. and this is my house! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!
Hobo Bob: 'ah's needs a place ta' lee-ive!
Sally: So what? You choose MY house?!
Hobo Bob: Well, actually, 'ah guess 'ah dee-yid.
Sally: GET OUT!--
Hobo Bob: WAIT! Before you chase me outta hee'yer with a broom, lemme tell ya' 'bout may'self... ---
Sally: WAIT! How'd you kow I chase hobs outta my house with a broom?
Hobo Bob: Der, Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo told may!
Sally: Who?
Hobo Bob: Lemme tell mah story, woman!
OK, it all started when 'ah was born.. yada yada yada, blah blah blah... now 'ah'm hee'yer. *smiles*
Sally: UGH! CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! PLEASE!!!
Hobo Bob: Sorry 'bout that.. y'see all mah life 'ah ain't had no toothbrush. When 'ah came hee'yer, 'ah used YER toothbrush. Now it's all green.. If 'ah use it one more tah'me, it's probably gonna turn black!
Sally: WHAT?! THAT'S IT! OUUUTTTT!!!!!!!!
Hobo Bob: NOOO! Not til' 'ah get mesum coconut rum!
Sally: I'll NEVER give you that, now OUT! hey, how'd you know I had some?
Hobo Bob: Saw it in the cabunet, raht for 'ah... well, if yer lookin' for yer rabbit..... *burp*
Sally: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FLUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs out to find rabbit*
[Hobo Bob falls asleep again with a full stomach]
Hobo Bob: SNORE.... Coconut coconut coconut....SNORE... Rum Rum Rum Rum Rumm.... SNORE... Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit...
[Meanwhile......]
Sally: FLUFFY?! [notices butt sticking out of refridgerator] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There's a BUTT in my refridgerator! I must whack it with a brrrrrrrrroooooooooommm!!!!! *get broom*
Butt: O lord not again...
Sally: THE BUTT TALKS!!! THIS CALLS FOR THE VACUUM!
Butt: HOLY *BLEEP*!!!
Sally: [gets ready to hit "the butt"] Why I'll get you!
[Butt runs... revealing himself to be Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo.]
Sally: IT HAS A HEAD! Where's my pressure washer???..... I'm gonna take you out like they did in the Civil Rights Movement!! HOOOYAH!
Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo: O my God! You've GOT to be kidding me!
[after demolishing over half her house, Sally catches Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo and holds the pressure washer to his head]
Sally: I don't want no funny business, BUTT!
Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo: Don't worry, I'll see myself out...
Sally: UH-HUH!
[Once outside, Kuh-Lucka-Lucka-Loo goes around to back window and get in and destroys more blinds.]
Sally: Well, I handled that well!
[ Life goes on as usual. Sally never notices Hobo Bob again]
*NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE PROCESS OF THIS STORY*
I WILL never WRITE A STORY WITH HER AGAIN!