In a [not-too-]distant, dark future...

 

The German group Rammstein disappeared mysteriously. Although the press says they all died in a tragic airplane crash, the fans prefer to think they had too much sex and died of exhaustion. Both sides are very far from the truth...

 

Well, perhaps not *that* far.

 

Actually they were abducted by an evil and totally lunatic madman...

 

Dr. Yuko: *cough*

 

...madwoman. The six musicians are now held captive in a satellite, orbiting around the Earth, where their job is to review some of the most disturbing tales invented by obviously corrupted human minds. Dealing with terrible grammar, spelling, plot and with out of character behavior is just a small part of the challenge.

 

Today, you are invited to enjoy with us...

 

The Rammstein Science Theater 3000!

 

 

(waiting for the RST3k Love Theme...)

�

In the not-too-distant future--

Next Sunday in Berlin--

There was a guy named Till

Quite different from you and me

He had a really confusing mind

(the worst Dr. Yuko could find)

One day she took him to her base

But he turned into a basket case,

So she shot him into space!

 

She'll send him crappy fanfics,

The worst ever made (la-la-la),

He'll have to sit and read them all,

And there's no escape! (la-la-la).

Now keep in mind Till can't control

Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la),

As he tries to keep his sanity

And the sanity of his friends!

 

Rammstein Roll Call

Richard:

I Richard. You Jane. Ooga booga!

Paul:

Here we go! W00t!

Christoph:

IT�S SCHNEIDER!

Flake:

...*sneers*

Olli:

*silent*

 

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes

And other science facts,

Just repeat to yourself it's just a fanfic,

You should really just relax

For Rammstein Science Theater 3000.

 

*-*-*-*-*

 

Door 6: It�s a curtain made of beads. They explode when you approach.

 

Door 5: It splits in six ways.

 

Door 4: It falls towards you, almost hitting your feet.

 

Door 3: It�s a dungeon gate with upside down arrowhead bars. It rises into the ceiling.

 

Door 2: It's made of metal, and melts away when you touch it.

 

Door 1: It's a vault door. The center ring swirls and the door opens.

 

Door 7: It�s the swinging door of a theater.

 

*-*-*-*-*

�

Mein Held �

 

Flake: For those who cannot understand the vernacular of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, it means 'My Hero'.

 

by Elise Clarke aka Eliseski

Rammstein (Richard Kruspe-Bernstein) Fan Fic -

 

Till: What!? Is she implying that Rammstein is Richard only!? What the hell?

Richard: *looking at his [silver]nails* Hehehe...she ain't far from the truth...*smirks*

 

*Set in 1800's London*

 

"Wait until we catch you 'yer screamin' bitch. Once we're finished with 'yer, you'll wish you'd never crossed our path." Roared one of the three grotesque drunks.

 

Flake: Oh, the suspense! We have no idea what's going on! Oh...will she survive?

Paul: What a sweet beginning...

 

Lena darted down the alley. She was terrified. She would never have gotten into this mess if it weren't for that bastard of a man.

Well, it all started when she walked into the hotel she was staying at and made her way over to the bar. It was there, much to her dismay, she saw her beau draped with whores.

 

Paul: He was...dressed with whores?

Richard: I'd rather be UN-dressed with whores...

 

To make it worse, he was thoroughly enjoying it.

 

Richard: Who wouldn't!?

 

She approached him and he seemed rather un-phased by her presence.

Why that bastard...

 

Paul: <as Lena>...did that to me!?

Till: Because she doesn't spread her fucking legs?

 

"Sorry love, but how can we stay together if your not willing to spread yourself?" He said with a smirk, whilst barely looking at her.

 

Till: HA! See? I'm such a fortune teller!

 

Flake: *rolls eyes* Clap, clap, clap Till.

 

The whores laughed and ground themselves against him even more. With that, he gave a pleasurable little moan. That disgusted her even more, so she slapped him hard across the face and stormed out of the hotel, oblivious of the stares from the hotel's patrons.

 

Flake: Such a lady.

Paul: What? Wouldn't you slap him too?

Till: I would offer a group sex with the whores.

Others: *groan*

 

Fuck you and your little whores...

She ran down the crowded street with tears stinging her eyes. She didn't know where she was going, nor did she care,

 

Schneider: Why heroines must always run away from wherever they are so carelessly? Isn't there another way to find your Knight In Shining Armor� other than getting lost!?

Till: Shut up Schneider...you're spoiling the clich�!

 

she just wanted to be far away from that bastard as possible. She turned down an alleyway; she was unfamiliar with London, as she had just arrived from Edinburgh.

 

Paul: Use a fucking MAP then.

 

She kept running. The alleyway seemed to get darker, longer and more claustrophobic.

 

Till: Never Do's List: #1 - NEVER turn down a dark, unknown alley.

Flake: That won't keep those idiots from doing it, you know.

Till: I know, but at least my conscience will be clear.

 

She started to panic, but she brushed it off as being over emotional concerning her beau.

Next thing she painfully landed face down on the grimy pavement. She turned her head back to see a large stone that she tripped over.

 

How did that get there?...

 

Olli: Magic. Harry Potter's city, remember?

Till: Back again, eh?

Richard: STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!

 

"My my. What do we have 'ere boys?" Sounded a drunken, gruff voice.

 

Paul: Here we have a common kind of Marysueus sp.

 

She looked up ahead of her to see three men step out of the shadows and slowly walk towards her.

 

Till: What the hell? I thought the alley was claustrophobic, therefore, narrow. How could three men fit there like this, unseen and unheard? And how she did not hit any of them?

Schneider: No, you are not getting it. It was large claustrophobic alley.

 

Oh shit...

"We just want a little in-and-out love. It shouldn't take long - right boys?" The three men menacingly laughed.

 

Till: In-and-out love...I like the expression.

Olli: Rein-Raus love? *looks at Richard*

Richard: Don't even THINK that! *clings on Till*

Till: Er...I don't belong in this conversation, you see...Richard...?

 

She desperately scrambled to her feet.

"Hey, not so fast there love. We haven't even started with you yet." Growled one of the men.

Two of the men grabbed her arms and forcefully restrained them behind her back whilst the other man came onto her. She squirmed, but that made the men hold her even tighter. She gasped at the sudden pain. The man grazed her neck with his teeth and sucked so hard that it hurt. She felt sick, helpless and scared of what was going to come.

 

Paul: Or scared they were going to come...inside her. C'mon, someday she will have to spread herself!

Flake: Being aware of all the clich�s that MS stories usually have, I can assure you they won't be the ones coming inside her.

Paul: Damn, I was crossing my fingers for them!

 

Oh god...why me...why now...?

 

Till: That's what you get from turning down a dark alley...

Richard: YEAH!

Till: Richard...let go of my arm.

Richard: NO!

 

He began to tear shreds off her skirt leaving her suspender and stocking clad legs visible to the men. He then began to rip the top part of her dress leaving just the corset.

 

Olli: Is anyone else thinking about Edward Scissorhands?

Others: Yep.

 

I don't want to have to lose it this way...

 

Paul: You have no choice, actually.

Till: That's why you should have stayed with you beau and had a group se-

Flake: ENOUGH of group sex, Lindemann.

 

She could feel his arousal has he ground against her hard

"C'mon bitch I know you like this! This is what 'yer want!" He sneered.

Yeah right it is...

Lena spat in his face.

 

Schneider: How to be a Lady, lesson 56, page 102: NEVER spit in someone else's face. Even if he is an alcohol smelling drunk bastard that is trying to rape you.

Paul: Then what do you do to get rid of him?

Schneider: You spread your legs and quietly hopes he has premature ejaculation.

 

He jerked back, his face full of fury. He tangled his fingers in her hair had yanked her head back. Lena cried out in pain. Not that he cared. He brought his face close to hers, she could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Don't ever do that again." He growled and slapped her hard across the face.

Her cheek began to sting and that made her even more furious. With a great surge of might she stomped on the two men's feet with her stiletto-boots, she could feel the heels of her shoes penetrate their shoes through into the skin.

 

Richard: Wait, wait...she was running with Stiletto-boots? I guess the author has never worn stiletto-boots...or any stiletto things whatsoeve!

Schneider: Has never seen stiletto-boots sounds more appropriate....

 

The two men roared in pain and retreated. It was then that she drove her fist into the other man's nose. He bent over cursing and holding his nose.

 

Till: <as Mike> And so many people poured their entire weekend into the making of this movie...

Flake:...fic.

Till: Whatever.

 

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

 

Lena started running as fast as she could in her stiletto-boots.

 

Flake: Again the stiletto-boots. This is an overused technique - the author wants you to pay attention to a probably useless detail, so he or she keeps repeating it in every paragraph. Lame, indeed.

 

She darted down the alley and turned right into another one. She could hear the men starting after her. Suddenly a large arm grabbed her and pulled her into another alley, a lot smaller than the one she was in.

 

Till: *Smaller* than the already claustrophobic alley!?

Paul: An alley inside another alley...what is that, a city or a maze?

 

She was about to scream when a hand clasped over her mouth. A voice sounded in her ear. It was male, though a rather friendly one, with a touch of worry.

"Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you. Please, you must trust me on this." The man pleaded.

 

Till: <as Lena> Ah, of course, I was just being pursued by three drunk men, but now that you are holding me in your strong and� unknown arms, I'm in peace.

 

He let the hand over her mouth drop and he turned her to face him. The man had a handsome face, with beautiful steely-green eyes, she was mesmerised by them.

 

Till: Richard...let go of me...

Richard: What, aren't you mesmerized by my steely-green eyes?

Till: No, specially because your steely-green eyed self is cutting off all the blood flow of my arm...

Richard: Oops...sorry...

 

"Quick hide here." The man pulled her into a doorway.

"Stay here - don't move and don't make a sound." With that the man resumed his place at the entrance of the alley.

She could hear the man who slapped her yell, "Hurry up you blundering idiots...she's getting away. Quick she turned right down 'ere."

 

Flake: Now tell me, if they just wanted a quick in-and-out love, why they are still chasing her? Is she the only girl in the whole city?

 

The footsteps of the men became louder. She closed her eyes hoping that she wouldn't be found.

"Oi, you�you seen a lass pass 'ere?" Growled the man.

 

Till: <as Richard> Yep, she is hiding here. *points at Lena's hiding place*

 

"Why yes, she looked pretty upset...anyway, she ran that way." Replied the stranger who told her to hide, as he pointed down the alley that the other men were standing in.

 

Schneider: As if they gave a damn about her feelings...

Till: <as drunk man #1> She was upset!? Oh my God, what have we done!?

Paul: <as drunk man #2> Haven't you warned us, we would keep hurting her poor and fragile little heart!

 

"Right, let's get her boys." Shouted the man, and the three men ran down the alley out of sight.

 

Lena moved out of the doorway and made her way towards the stranger who was now facing her.

 

"Thankyou so much for saving me from that

 

Olli: <as Capitain Amelia>...ludicrous parcel of driveling galoots.

 

pack of rabid beasts." Lena said.

"You're welcome, well at least you are safe now." Said the stranger.

She noticed he had an accent. She suddenly felt a little embarrassed as she just realised that she was standing there with little but a corset, suspenders and save a few remains of stripped cloth that was once her skirt. The man noticed the sudden dart of eyes and the blush that crept its way up her neck. He couldn't

help but smile.

 

Till: <as Richard> Hehehe...so easy to get to her now...

Schneider: You are really starting to *love* that Mary Sue, aren't you? You all want to screw her!

Paul: *makes the The Sign of the Cross* Jesus Christ Schneider, don't blaspheme!

 

"Well, I think we should take you back to your house and out of harms way." Said the man gently taking her arm.

"I don't have a house...I am, well, was staying in a hotel..." Lena sighed.

"Well, how about I take you back to my hotel, my friends and I have a whole floor reserved, so how about I set you up in one the rooms, you will be safe there." Said the man.

"If it's not too much trouble, then that would be wonderful...thankyou once again. By the way I'm Lena, what is your name?" She asked.

 

Flake: She was almost abused but she didn't get any paranoid...what a strong little girl.

Olli: She forgot about the three drunk men when Richard's eyes mesmerized her. *looks at Richard*

Richard: *curls up in the corner of the seat*

 

"Firstly, it's no trouble, and secondly my name is Richard, I have not long ago arrived from Germany." Said Richard as they made their way out of the alley.

Suddenly Lena stumbled, but luckily Richard caught her in time. He saw she was wearing the stiletto-boots

 

All: *groan*

 

and gave her a concerned look.

"I'm fine...I'm just a little tired..." said Lena as she noticed the concerned look he gave her.

"I'll carry you." Said Richard.

 

Till: Never Do's List: #2 - NEVER let a stranger carry you to *his* hotel.

Paul: Unless you've decided to give up of your oh-so-dear virginity already.

 

Before she could protest, she was scooped up in Richard's strong arms and was draped over his shoulder. His shoulders were broad, broad enough so that none of her body was hanging off his shoulder.

He is so nice...

 

Schneider: Nice?! NICE, she said? He is a caveman!

Paul: <as Richard> Oooga-booga. Richard'n'woman to da cave.

Richard: Funny Paul.

 

She felt safe in his clutch despite what had happened only a few mere minutes ago. She even felt like she could trust him even though she had just met him. Finally sleep over took her.

 

Flake: Oh, sure! Richard's shoulders must be a really comfortable place to sleep.

Paul: I wouldn't trade my bed for them, though.

Richard: You are all jealous!

 

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

 

God she is beautiful...

 

Till: Since then God is a woman?

Schneider: Change of verb tense. The whole story is being told in the past, so why is this sentence not ffollowinthe same pattern? The author simply threw that nonchalantly in the text, for it's neither a dialogue nor an essential part of the narrative-

Flake: Schneider, make us all a favor and pull that rod out you ass...thank you.

Schneider: *snorts*

 

Lena had absently fallen to sleep. As for Richard, the further he walked on, the more randy he felt. Afterall,

 

Schneider:...isn't an actual word, you know.

Paul: I think AFTER ALL sounds much better.

 

every man's dream was resting right on his shoulder. Finally, Richard arrived at the hotel. Quietly, he walked up the front steps and closed the door, being careful not to wake her, well at least not yet...

He wandered down the corridoor

 

Schneider: It�s corridor. CORRIDOR!

Paul: Yeah, don�t use up all the �Os�!

 

and stopped in the doorway of the lounge where his two friends Till and Christoph were relaxing.

 

Flake: Yeah, right. They were *COUGH* relaxing together on the couch.

Till: Hahaha. Your humour sense astonishes me.

 

They looked up and Richard quickly put a finger to his lips and Till and Christoph couldn't help but smile when they saw the sleeping beauty draped over his shoulder.

 

Schneider: Okay, now we are two retards! The man shows up with a woman over his shoulder and all we do is to smile.

Till: It's clear for me that the author just threw us there because she wants people to think she actually knows Rammstein, and not only Richard...

Paul: <as Eliseski> Flake? Flake-who?

 

Richard then moved on to his room, walked inside and gently layed her on his bed.

Once he layed her on his bed, he then stood back and began to study her. She was only about 5ft2, she had shoulder length dark wavy brown hair, pert breasts.

Perfect for my hands and mouth...

 

Till: Perfect for your 'pert' gay hands.

Richard: Who is gay, the guy fucking the girl or the guy 'relaxing' with his other MALE friend on the couch?!

Till: The guy fucking the girl, obviously.

 

Kissable lips, deep chocolate brown eyes which were currently closed - when she came across him earlier he was memerised by them.

 

All: MESMERIZED!

 

And finally, her body. She wasn't skinny nor was she overweight - she was curvacious, and he liked that a lot.

 

ALL: MARYSUE!

Schneider: Typical, so typical it hurts!

Flake: Why can't she have 'superficial shit brown eyes'?

Richard: I wouldn't get mesmerized by shit brown eyes...

 

Suddenly she began to stir and she opened her eyes.

 

Schneider: This sentence is bad. It would sound much better if it said 'she began to stir, opening her eyes slowly'.

Till: *claps* There you go! Poetry!

 

When she saw Richard at the end of the bed staring at her she quickly sat up. He smiled and she couldn't help but blush and avert her eyes.

"Thankyou so much for doing this for me, I owe you many thanks." Lena said graciously, still a little embarrassed.

"It was nothing...though how did it haphappend did you know those men?"

"Well, it all started when I found my beau with a group of prostitutes, and well, he basically said we were over. So, I was rather upset and just began to run, I don't where, just faraway. Then I turned down some alley and I was confronted by these men who attempted to try and rape me. But I managed to get away and that is when I came across you."

 

Flake: They attempted to try?

Paul: Brought to you by the redundant department of redundancy...

 

"Your beau must be the biggest dick in the world!

 

Till: Be or have?

Flake: Is it bigger than Ollie's, Richard?

Richard: I have no idea what you are talking about!

Flake: <as the Matrix' architect> Denial is the most predictable of all human responses.

 

Why on earth would he want to give up such a lovely person such as yourself over some horrible whores?" Complimented Richard.

 

Paul: And how do YOU know they are horrible?

Richard: Been there, done them *smirks*

 

She laughed and felt her blush creep even further up her face at the compliment.

If only he knew...

 

Till: *points to the screen* Lena is a lesbian!

Others: What!?

Till: C'mon guys, don't make me have doubts about you intellectual capacity...it's implied in that 'if he only knew...".

Paul: Till, those Pamela Anderson and Jenna Jameson movies are doing you no good...

 

"I'll be back in a few minutes, so please make yourself comfortable and perhaps maybe try and get some sleep - whatever you please." said Richard as he walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

Yeah, a few minutes to have an icy cold shower! I hope she didn't notice my trousers, then again my shirt was hanging low so it would have been hard to see, I don't know. Verdammt! I need a strong drink, actually, make that two strong drinks...

 

All: *point at Verdammt!* Freetranslation.net.

 

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

 

Once Richard had "cooled off" he made his way back to his room and opened the door, there to find Lena trying to undo her corset.

 

All: WHORE!

Flake: Ah-ha! All she wants is a dick with lots of money!

Paul: Very quick, aren't we?!

 

"Ah, Richard, could you please untie me. I feel like I'm being squeezed to death!" Lena said turning around.

 

Till: <as Lena> Yes please, help me to get naked so we can start our sex scene already.

Richard: My pleasure, ch�rie.

Till: Richard, we are talking to the non-gay Richard, not you.

 

Richard began to untie the maze of bows and knots.

OK, there goes my cold shower and my two drinks...

 

Paul: They go? Where? I can't see them!

 

Finally, the corset was untied and Lena whipped it off, though much to Richard's disappointment, she had a little singlet-bra underneath.

 

All: *disappointed faces* Awwwww!

 

As Lena was rolling up the corset and putting it on the floor, she felt a hand tenderly slide down her back. She turned to find Richard smiling warmly at her. She looked in his steely green eyes

 

Richard: Mesmerizing steely-green eyes, don't forget please.

 

and he looked in her brown ones. He then brought a hand to her cheek and she absently leaned in to his soft, warm touch.

Richard slowly leant towards her face and waited for permission to go further. There was no protest, so he gently claimed her lips. Lena didn't know whether to kiss him back or to pull away.

 

Flake: All who would pull away, raise your hand.

Everybody but Olli: *raise hand*

Flake: ...you are seriously disappointing me, Olli.

 

It was just that his lips were so soft and his skin felt nice against hers, and she was sure she could trust this guy.

 

Till: But of course, how to not trust someone with soft lips and nice skin?

 

So, she began to kiss him back. Richard noticed this, so he embraced her in his arms and began carressing her body with his hands. He then deepened the kiss and she let out a little moan of pleasure.

 

Schneider: First, she is all protective towards her virginity; later, she is willing to spread her legs like a good whore. How do you explain that?

Olli: She can either have a multiple personality disorder, or be bipolar, schizophrenic...

Till: A mental? So she *was* inspired on the author, after all.

 

Richard suddenly scooped Lena up and layed her on the bed again and then quickly but carefully climbed on top of her. He kissed her deeply and he ran his hands up and down her body. He lightly teased her nipples through her singlet and felt them instantly respond to his touch. Richard ground into her hips and suddenly Lena became aware of where this was heading and suddenly pulled out of his grasp.

I can't do it...

 

Richard: No, of course I can!

Flake: It's not you, you retard!

Schneider: Quotation marks. Apostrophes. Brackets. I don't give a damn about which method you choose but please, please put something that make us know that's her fucking thoughts!

 

"Have I done something wrong...did I hurt you...?" Asked Richard a little alarmed.

"No no, you haven't done anything wrong...it's just that I've never made love before and I'm just a little scared that it'll hurt or that I'll be really bad and men might laugh at my performance and at my body." Said Lena slightly embarrassed.

"Is that why you're boyfriend left you?"

 

Paul: <as Lena> He didn't leave me - I left him.

Schneider: It's sad when the author can't recall her own plot...

 

"Yes, it is..."

"God...I'm sorry, I didn't realise..."

"You weren't to know"

"Also, as if men would laugh at your body. If anything, men would kill to touch and hold your body. Anyway, I'm really sorry" Said Richard looking longingly at Lena.

 

Schneider: Kill to hold her Mary-Sue body? I'd rather have a groupie.

Till: A male groupie, eh?

Schneider: I'll just pretend I did not listen to that.

 

"But, I want you to make love to me..." Said Lena looking up at Richard.

 

All: WHAT!?

Paul: She couldn't spread her legs to her "beau" but she does that willingly to a stranger she barely knows?!

Richard: It's because this stranger is me!

Flake: �not very comforting.

 

Suddenly Richard's attention was captured.

"Really? I mean are you sure you want to go through with it and that you're not feeling pressured to do so..."

"No, I want you to...

 

Paul: Yeah, sure, you want it NOW!

Flake: I told you - she wants a big rich dick.

Richard: Who wouldn't want Rich's big dick...tsk tsk...

Others: *groan*

 

but I've never done it before, so, I'm a little nervous about doing it. And from what I've felt, you're rather, um...big, so...yeah..." Said Lena, a little embarrassed, whilst giving a quick glance at his trousers.

 

"Oh ok, we'll take it easy." Said Richard, giving a little laugh at the comment.

 

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

 

Lena layed back on the bed and Richard resumed his place above her.

 

Richard: Now I will give you basic sex notions. This *points to self* is a cock. This *points to her* is a cunt. I put the cock in the cunt. Clear? Lets start then.

Till: Oh, brilliant! Where the fuck did you learn to have sex!?

Flake: Biology classes, obviously.

 

"Now, just lay and relax and let me do the pleasuring, otherwise I'll explode any minute." Said Richard taking off his shirt, exposing his masculine, firm-muscled body. Then he unbuckled his trousers and slid them off his vikVikingke muscled legs, leaving only his underwear.

 

Paul: VIKING-LIKE LEGS? *cracks up*

Till: Holy shit, she managed to concentrate in a single paragraph all the lamest and most over-used adjectives in the whole world!

Flake: A porno flick has a greater vocabulary than that.

 

Richard kissed her deeply and began to take her singlet-top off. It was at last that her breasts were exposed to him, as to which he began to gently suck, kiss and carress with his mouth and tongue. Lena gave a sudden gasp at the sensation and Richard began to suck and carress harder. He then moved onto the next breast, all the while, his hands lovingly roamed and carressed her body, sending her shivers throughout her body.

 

Flake: Caress has only ONE �R�. Thanks. And now back to our normal programming...

 

Once her breats were delt with, he moved back up to her mouth and he kissed, exploring her mouth, and she exploring his.

 

Richard: What exactly did i do to her breasts?

Till: You left them delt.

Schneider: delt (n. Slang) A deltoid muscle. Often used in the plural.

Till: Apparently someone forgot to spell-check.

 

He trailed kisses down her cheek, neck, collarbone, breasts and stomach whilst also massaging her skin with his tongue. Lena couldn't help but let out a few moans when he sometimes hit some sensitive spots and Richard smiled at this.

 

Flake: Eww...Richard's saliva...

Richard: Delicious and nutritious!

Till: Your SALIVA Rich, not your semen.

Others: *stare at Till wide-eyed*

 

Richard dipped his tongue into her navel and Lena gave a little giggle. Richard paused and sat up on his knees and looked up at Lena. She gave him a smile so he began to take off the remains of her skirt and then he threw them on the floor. Then he unhooked her suspenders and rolled the stockings off her legs. Finally, he pulled off her panties exposing her now fully naked and beautiful body.

 

Schneider: Damn it, I've never seen a girl wear so many clothes in an erotic story...

Paul: That's what I call 'useless paragraph'. Just say that he undressed her completely and lets jump to the sex scene already!

Schneider: ...naughty boy.

 

Gently Richard prised her legs apart and nestled himself between them. He could see that she was already rather aroused. He gently began carressing her clitoris, which suddenly made her gasp. He then began carressing her whole area with his tongue, moving quickly, slowly, hard and soft. He could feel her begin to pulse at the pleasure his tongue was giving her.

 

Schneider: What? No little clever comments about the author's total incapacity to write sex?

Others: *ignore Schneider, drooling*

Schneider: �unbelievable!

 

Watching her, he slowly began to insert his middle finger into her, she gasped and squirmed a little. Gently he began carressing her with his finger, he then inserted a second finger. She gasped again, but then she began to move with his fingers and Richard knew she was enjoying this. Not allowing her to climax just yet, he withdrew� his fingers and removed his underwear. He was painfully hard and Lena's eyes grew wide at the sight of his large, maroon cock.

 

All: MAROON COCK! *crack up*

Till: Guys, have I told any of you about my burgundy cock?

Paul: Hey Schneider, show us all your magenta cock!

Schneider: ...magenta cock?

 

"You're sure about this?" Asked Richard.

 

Paul: <as Lena> No. On second thought, I realize I have made a big mistake - I'll not give myself to you and your MAROON cock.

 

"Positive." Replied Lena.

With that, Richard positioned himself over Lena. She widened her legs and he lightly pressed the head of his cock at her entrance. He gave her a quick kiss on her lips and gently slid into her warmth, which suddenly made them both gasp, Richard at her tightness and Lena at his size. Richard paused to let her adjust to him and then he gently began to move in and out at a steady pace. Lena began lifting her hips and meeting his pace. She was filled with sensations she had never experienced before, she was completely taken up by the feeling and the moment.

 

Flake: Is that all? No foreplay? No mutual masturbation? How boring...

 

"Schneller..." Ordered Lena.

 

All: NOOOOO!

Till: <as Goethe> Nein Gott, neeeeeeeein!!!!!

 

Richard was a little surprised by what she just said, none the less, Richard then began to fasten his pace. Lena began to moan and she bucked her hips.

 

"H�rter..." Breathed Lena.

 

Till: *singing* Rein...Raus...Rein...

Paul and Richard: Tiefer....tiefer...

 

Again, Richard obeyed and began thrusting into her hard and fast. Richard started to pant and sweat dropped from his face and hair. He slightly changed his angle and Lena screamed at the sudden sensation. They were both so close to the edge. Lena wrapped her legs around Richard's waist and started to claw at his back.

 

Paul: Whoa...Animal XXX!

Olli: Only here, in the Discovery Channel.

 

They kissed passionately and as Richard couldn't hold out any longer, he gave one final hard thrust, roaring, he came into her, filling her every crevice with his cum. This sensation drove Lena over the edge and she screamed with pleasure as she climaxed, her muscles contracting around Richard's cock. Richard gasped at this wonderful feeling.

 

Till: The girl is so lucky she managed to have an overwhelming orgasm in her FIRST time.

Flake: There are no unlucky Mary-Sues, Till�

 

Richard collapsed in exhaustion and kissed Lena hard. He then withdrew himself and rolled over to lay beside her. The two just layed there exhausted and slick with sweat, the air scented with the smell of their love-making.

 

Schneider: ARGH! It's LAID, Eliseski, not LAYED! It's the third time you make the same mistake!

Till: *sings* Someone forgot to spell-cheeeeeeck...

 

"THAT WAS GREAT!" They both said in unison, then laughed.

"You were fantastic, and oh god it was great...but I hope I didn't hurt you at all." Said Richard.

"Yes, it was fantastic, and it didn't hurt much at all!"

"Much...?"

"Just the entering bit was a little uncomfortable. Besides that, it felt great. So, thankyou for such a wonderful first time."

"No, thankyou! Also, what was with the German?" Laughed Richard.

"Well, you made me feel so good that you made me speak in another language!"

 

Schneider: You made me this, you made me that...

Flake: Repetitive, aren't we?

Till: That's the LAMEST after-sex talk I've ever heard!

 

"Hmm...I wonder what I'll be able to make you say next round." Said Richard as he began tenderly kissing her face and neck and running his fingers all over her body.

 

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

 

Ha! We'll see about that! Laughed Lena as she sprang off the bed, out of his grasp.

"Ich geh dir hinterher!" Richard laughed.

Lena ran across the large bedroom, closely followed by a very hard Richard. He ached to be inside her again.

 

All: *groan*

 

"Gleich hab ich dich!"

 

All: *slam their heads against the wall*

 

A large lounge blocked her way, and when she was about to climb over it, she was suddenly grabbed and held firmly against the back of the lounge.

"Jetzt hab ich dich!" Richard whispered erotically into her ear.

 

All: SHUT UP RICHARD!

Till: You truly lack of creativity Richard...why can't you use your *own* fucking lyrics!?

 

Richard quickly, but gently entered her from behind and started thrusting away, kissing her neck and nibbling at her ears. If it weren't for the lounge and Richard holding her up, she was sure she would have collapsed from the wonderful sensations that seemed to turn her legs into jelly.

Richard grunted and moaned with pleasure as he drove into her at a gruelling pace. Lena was almost screaming with pleasure at each thrust. Richard had to lightly put his hand over her mouth to muffle her shrieking.

"Shh! They'll think I'm murdering you!" Richard laughed.

"You almost are!" Lena shrieked back.

Lena wiggled out of his grasp and ran towards the bed.

 

Paul: I thought he was INSIDE her.

Flake: He?! Inside her!? Nooo...where did you get such idea?

Till: *singing* Someone can�t recall her own ploooo-ooot�.

 

Just as she jumped on it, Richard caught her by the legs and flipped her on her back, in the middle of the bed. She opened her legs and Richard entered her swiftly, but carefully, so he would not hurt her.

Again, he began thrusting into her hard and fast. They moaned and kissed each other tenderly. Lena opened her legs wider and wrapped them around Richard's waist and Richard drove deeper. She wrapped her arms around him and ran her fingers through his damp hair, as he kissed her neck and face tenderly. They were both very close...

"Richard...Richard...!" Screamed Lena, as she grabbed his butt and pushed him in her as deep as possible, thus, sending them both to climax at the same time.

 

Paul: Holy shit, Lena is an acrobat.

Flake: No, she is a Mary-Sue.

 

Both exhausted, they laid there limp and slick with sweat. Richard closed his eyes and layed with his ear on her chest, listening to her heartbeat and feeling her contract around him. It was soothing, and he was about to fall asleep, when he suddenly heard a little voice at his ear.

"Um...Richard..."

"Hmm? Oh, sorry!" Said Richard, as he withdrew himself and layed beside her.

"That was unreal!" Said Lena, rolling over to lay her head on his chest.

"It was..." Said Richard, draping an arm around her shoulder and kissing her head.

She slid an arm across his chest and hugged him like a giant teddy bear, and gently toyed with one of his nipples.

 

Richard: Do I look like a giant teddy bear?

Flake: No, a giant teddy bear would weight lighter than you.

Paul: I've never seen a teddy bear with nipples...

 

"Ich liebe dich." Said Richard softly into her hair.

"Und ich liebe dich...mein Held."

 

All: *vomit*

Paul: AHHHH! Please God, take me now!

Till: Or, "Bitte Gott, nehmen Sie mich jetzt!", in freetraslation.net.

Flake: Clever.

 

The End.

 

Translations:

"Verdammt" = Dammit/Damn

"Schneller" = Faster

"H�rter" = Harder

"Ich geh dir hinterher" = I'm coming after you

"Gleich hab ich dich" = Soon I'll have you

"Jetzt hab ich dich" = I've got you/I have you now

"Ich liebe dich" = I love you

"Mein Held" = My hero

(Yes, some of these quotes are sung in �Du Riechst So Gut� � I kind of wanted that feel in the story!)

 

Flake: And you were a total failure, I'm sorry.

 

 

The REAL End.

 

Dr. Yuko: So guys...what did you think of your second mission?

Till: It sucked, just like the first one.

Richard: Nah, I liked it. This time at least I was In-Character! Richard: The Reproductive Male!

Others: *look amongst themselves* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Richard: What?

Schneider: I must say...I'm tired of making Richard-fics.

Flake: Oh, why? It's so fun to mock Richard...

Richard: What? Repeat it skeleton!

Flake: Oh why? It's so fun to mock Richard...

Richard: You asked for it...*jumps on Flake*

Olli: Er...guys...I'm hungry. What about going to the canteen?

Paul: And miss 'Richard vs. Flake: The Ultimate Battle'? You've got to be kidding!

Till: By the way, Doctor, what will be the next story about?

Dr. Yuko: It�ll be an Alien/Richard fanfic, with loads of tentacle sex and alien cum everywhere....

All: WHAT!?

Till: This is a big joke, right? Right? Dr. Yuko...?

*silence*

All: *groan*

 

 

-- WHOOOSH! --

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson and all it's

characters, trademarks and related indicia are copyrighted � Best Brains, Inc.

The Rammstein guys were created by...their respective mothers.

They do not belong to me, I'm just borrowing them for fun.

 

This is not a personal attack against the author of the fic,

no matter how much he or she may deserve it. Don't take too

seriously.

 

And remember: cries and complaints about how this MST has hurt

your feelings will just make me eviscerate you with a rusty butter

knife, then sell your mortal remains in the black market.

Ditto!