EXTRA POUNDS PROVES TO BE TOO MUCH FOR FORMER COLLEGE SLIM-JIM

His name is Andrew Douglas Xavier Rickert (Guilderland, NY), better known to others as Fat Andy. At an astounding 145 lbs. Andy lives in a life of torment and anguish as he must put up with comments that, at times, seem unfair and cruel, but are not far from the truth.

"It all began this past summer when I had to take off from running due to an injury. When that injury cleared up, I was ready to begin running again, but sure enough, I injured another part of my body, my leg," said the visibly shaken Rickert as he shoved a Ho-Ho into his mouth, "It's not that I've been putting on weight because I'm not running, it's because I have developed this uncontrollable urge to pick up things and eat them."

These "things" he refers to have ranged from Doritos, to cookies and it is even speculated that he tried eating his new puppy Addy because, "there was no more Captain Crunch and the dog just seemed like the best thing around." Andy was stopped abruptly by his mother, Pam Rickert (Guilderland).

"I had to wrestle him to the ground just to get the pup out of his hands! That's when I realized that he really was becoming a fat bastard," recalled Mrs. Rickert.

"We've tried everything," states Doug Rickert, Andy's father, "but the damn kid just devours everything he sees. I don't know where he gets his appetite from, but I sure wish it would go away. This kid is going to eat us out of a house."

Andy's roommates and long time girlfriend, Jen Monaghan (Guilderland) also feel the affects of his obeseness.

"One time we were watching the movie ALIVE, you know, the one were the people eat each other to survive being stranded in the middle of nowhere," lamented Jen, "Afterwards, Andy wanted to lay down, he brought some chocolate sauce into the room. I thought he was going to make an ice cream sundae, but he ended up pouring on my arm and almost taking a bite out of me. That's when I knew we had a problem."

In a one-on-one interview with "Ears What Really Happened" correspondent, Mike Poole, the paramedics had to show up to give Poole oxygen due to extreme gas inhalation.

"The interview was kind of 'iffy' to that point, he had eaten my pad and pen, so I was stuck trying to remember everything he as saying and eating, believe me he was eating a lot of stuff, so it's a good thing that I have a great memory," said Poole, "Anyway, we were sitting there and he was stuffing his mouth and all of a sudden, BOOM, he let out the nastiest fart I had ever smelt."

The fart was powerful enough to knock Poole unconscious immediately, which caused a need to call the paramedics.

"We got there just in time," said chief paramedic Tom Dolan, "We resuscitated Mike, but Andy was okay, apparently it is true, you really can't smell your own farts. After running some tests on Rickert, we found that he had some Taco Bell along with some Nestle Quick to wash it down. The Taco Bell seems harmless enough, but when you eat 12 tacos and a Nachos Bell Grande, something's got to give. Unfortunately for Poole, it was Andy's bowles."

"I'll never forget that day," said long-time friend Ryan Tastor (Altamont, NY), "Mike was blue for days to come and the odor on him caused us to have to wash him in tomato juice and burn his clothes. Andy was so upset at what had happened, that he locked himself in his room at school with nothing but a telephone, money and a Dominoes's Pizza menu.

Andy still remains locked in his room calling to order pizza every hour on the hour. Good news for Dominoes's, bad news for his roommates. It is estimated that Andy weighs anywhere between 145 lbs. and 152 lbs.

For now, we'll have to wait and see if Andy can get his fat ass over this hump in his life. If not, who knows how fat he'll get. Albany police officials are doing everything in there power to see to it that Rickert does not take this any further. Long-time weight loss fanatic, Richard Simmons, was brought to Albany to assist these officials in helping Andy come to terms with his weight problem.

Said very gayly, "We're going to whip this fat ass into shape or I'm not a tutu wearing princess," said Simmons, "You can sure bet that he's going to be trim and fit in no time at all."

Let's hope so. There's nothing that this world likes more than a trim, fit, and running Andy Rickert. Best of luck to you Andy on getting back onto the running scene. We're all pulling for you...ALL of you!

Published on 11.2.00

Email Mike Poole for comments and article ideas at [email protected]

The above article does not express the views of the RROL.

Note from the Editor: This article is not completely true, I do leave the room occasionally for classes

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