Mike Poole, Staff Writer
Guilderland, N.Y. - For 7 long days, Guilderland, NY residents lived in fear. Doors that were not normally locked at night were sealed shut and garabage can lids were placed on tighter than usual in the small suburban town located just outside of Albany.
One week ago today the sighting of, what was believed at the time to be a fully grown male black bear, occurred. While the bear turned out to be, in fact, not an adult, the adolescent aged "visitor" still striked fear in the hearts of the people who reside in Guilderland and surrounding areas.
It was today, however, when Guilderland police issued a statement that informed the town's residents that the bear has been captured and placed in custody. During his routine Sunday afternoon loitering, town juvenile delinquent, Willie Jacoby was on the grounds of Farnsworth Middle School when he decided to throw his remains of a goats milk container and rubarb stalk into a dumpster located on the grounds of the school. To his suprise when he threw the reminents into the recepticle he heard a growling noise that was emitted from the dumpster. Soon after, the head of a black bear arose, at which point Jacoby screamed and proceeded to run for help.
"I was just walking back to my trailer park when I decided that for once I would throw my garabage in the place where it belonged," said Jacoby, "I didn't expect that bear to be in there. I damn near peed my pants when his big 'ole head popped out."
Able to get to a nearby house Jacoby explained to Ed Winthrop the situation that had just occurred.
"I thought that little redneck bastard was trying to pull a prank on me or something," said Winthrop as he wiped the back of his neck with his dew rag, "I looked just past him over yonder hill and saw the bear climbing out of the dumpster."
The two then proceeded to call the town police on the town telephone, which was just over a quarter of a mile away from Winthrop's ranch. The police arrived 25 minutes later due to a broken wheel axel on their horse and bugy. When the police arrived, they were relieved to see that the bear had not harmed anyone and managed to stay in the same place. After loading their muskets the police proceeded to surround the bear and read to him his miranda rights. Fortunately for the bear, one of the officers thought to tranquilize him rather than, "Blow his goshdamn head off," as one officer so graciously put it. The bear was asleep within 10 minutes, at which point the officers, with the aid of Jacoby and Winthorp loaded him on to the bed of the town's only pick-up truck and proceeded to go to the town jail.
Placed in a cell, the bear was questioned as to why he was in town in the first place and on top of that, why was he eating from Mrs. Appleton's home-made bird feeder. After there was several hours of no responding the police realized that it was because the bear could not talk. Appointed a lawyer by the town judge, Bear Doe, who was given that name also by the judge because of lack of identification, will face a jury full of peers starting sometime next week. The jury, which was selected earlier this evening will consist of 6 male and 6 female members: two foxes, a rabbit, 3 skunks, and 6 human beings. Speculation that the jury was going to be dismissed arose when one of the human jurors complained of the stench of the skunks, which later was discovered to be one of the other human jurors. The smelly juror was dismissed and replaced with a racoon.
"We hope to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible," says town attorney and resident, Clyde Barker, "We don't want the likes of things like that in this here town and we want to know why he was here in the first place. You let one bear in and then all of a sudden they all move in. Before ya know it our wives are being hit up and our daughters impregnated. We just can't have that here in this town."
With hopes that the jury will make a decision to put the bear away or "just blow that there bastard a new [explicit]," the town will anxiously await for what appears will be quite some time. With evidence being carried in on horseback from the bear's hometown of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin (the leading producer in the country's milk supply) it could be several weeks -- possible months before the jury is able to arrive with a decision. But for now, the town must place there nucaces down and blow out the torches and await a fair, and hopefully, justifiable trial.
Mike Poole is not a real life reporter and has 0 credibility, however, he did hit the nail on the head when he said that the bear was, in fact, in captivity. Thank Christ.
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Published on June 4th, 2000
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