Geography Answers

• Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun.
• The people of Japan ride around in jig-saws.
• The plains of Siberia are roamed over by the lynx and the larynx.
• Lindberg is the capital of Germany.
• The chief animals of Australia are the kangaroo, larkspur, boomerang, and peccadillo.
• The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called Mummies.
• Don Juan is a town in the West Indies.
• Germany is an industrial country because the poor have nothing else to do, so they make lots and lots of factories.
• Where is Alaska? Alaska is not in Canada.
• Spain's national music is the cascarets.
• What people live in the Po Valley? Po people.
• In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.
• In Athens there is a temple called the Pancreas.
• The Alimentary Canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
• Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.
• When we cross the Hudson River we come to the United States.
• Where is the greater part of Europe? In New York.
• The principal export of Sweden is hired girls.
• The Indian squabs carry porpoises on their backs.
• Among the enduring remains of Egyptian civilization are pyramids and obsequies.
• The writing of ancient Egypt was called hydraulics.
• Rome had a fine defensive position, being seven miles from the mouth of the Tiger.
• The seaport of Athens is Pyorrhea.
• The Greeks wore scandals on their feet.
• In what general direction to the rivers of France flow? From the source to the mouth.
• The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
• Manhattan Island was bought from the Indians for about $24, and now I don't suppose you could buy it for $500.
• The United States are mostly populated by people.
• The State of Virginia was named for the Virgin Mary, who afterward married Captain John Smith.
• What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean.
• Canadians raise boll weevils for their wool.
• Where is Cincinnati? First place in the National League.
• Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.
• Denver is just below the 'o' in Colorado.
• They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow.
• The benefit of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him.
• Virginia is the mother of President Wilson and is also noted for her hysterical sights.
• The chief products of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall.
• Philistines were inhabitants of the Philippine Islands.
• The original tribes of Central America were the Axtecs, the Celts, and the Morons.
• New Zealand is a democratic country. they passed a law there preventing women from sweating in the factories.
• Malays are brown generally and inhabit Malaria.
• The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
• The Kaffirs of Africa are a very savage race. In times of war they beat their tum-tums and can be heard for miles around.
• The American Indians travel in birchbark canoes on little streams of water that they make themselves.
• The state flower of Colorado is the concubine.
• The soil of Prussia was so poor that the people had to work hard just to stay on top.
• The Mason line is the line running north of the Equator and the Dixon line is south.
• In the west, farming is done mostly by irritating the land.
• Oceania is a continent that contains no land.
• There is a great deal of nothing in the center of Australia.
• Asked to name six animals peculiar to Arctic regions, a boy replied, "Three bears and three seals."
• Climate lasts all the time, but weather lasts only a few days.
• Latitude tells how hot you are and longitude tells how cold you are.
• The Menai Straits are crossed by a tubercular bridge.
• Sienna is famous for being burnt.
• The climate of Bombay is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The sun never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.
• The trade of Spain is small, owing to the insolence of the people.
• The Eskimos are God's frozen people.
• The sun sets in the west and hurries around to the east to be in time to rise the next morning.
• Name three animals peculiar to frigid regions. The lion and the giraffe and the elephant are peculiar to frigid regions, but the polar bear and the seal and the walrus live there.
• People go to Africa to hunt rhinostriches.
• Glaciers spread a murrain over the land.
• The highest peak in the Alps is the Blanc Mange.
• The Equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth and through Africa.
• Imports are ports very far inland.
• Nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan is Chicago.
• The chief occupation of Perth is Dying.
• The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
• The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes.
• An Indian Reservation consists of a mile of land for every five square Indians.
• The only signs of life in the Tundra are a few stunned corpses.
• Among the islands of the West Indies are the Pyjamas, noted for their toilet sponges.
• Lipton is the capital of Ceylon.
• The population of London is a bit too thick.
• Persian cats is the chief industry of Persia, hence the word purr.
• The Mediterranean and the Red Seas are connected by the Sewage Canal.
• New York is behind Greenwich time because America was not discovered until very much later.
• Henry VIII had an abyss on his knee which made walking difficult.
• Certain areas of Egypt are cultivated by irritation.
• Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British Governor lives there.
• A watershed is a shed in the middle of the ocean where ships shelter during a storm.

 

A burglar went into the bank and pointed a gun at the teller and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!"

The teller laughed nervously, "You mean history, right?"

The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"

The geography teacher was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, minutes, and seconds the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes, 30 seconds north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes, zero seconds east longitude...?"

 

A man was driving down the interstate at 22 miles per hour. He never went above or below. An officer noticed and followed him a while and then pulled him over. Before the officer could even get to the window the man was saying "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding".

The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going to slow".

The man said "But the sign says 22".

The officer told him that he was on Interstate 22. As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three women sitting inside the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and said "What's wrong with them?"

 

Q. What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?
A. A con-tour map.

 

Q. Why didn't the map have any meridians?
A. It was a map of a parallel universe.

 

Q. What is the tidiest element on a map?
A. The neatline.

 

Q. Why did the cartographer put a band-aid on the map?
A. Because it had a bleeding edge.

 

Q. What do John Wayne and a map key have in common?
A. Both are legends.

 

Q. Why was longitude boiling mad?
A. Because it was 360 degrees.

 

Q. Why was the map gesturing wildly?
A. It was an animated map.

 

Q. Why are maps like fish?
A. Both have scales.

 

Q. Where to lines of equal pressure go to relax?
A. In ISO - bars (In Search Of isobars)

 

Q. Why do senior military officials like small scale maps?
A. Because they have been GENERAL-ized.

 

Q. What projection is used to map the distribution of chocolate lovers?
A. The Bonne-Bonne (bon bon) projection.

 

Q. What is smarter, longitude or latitude?
A. Longitude, because it has 360 degrees

Q. What do you call a map showing the heights of leafy-stemmed perennial herbs measured in centimeters?
A. A daisy metric map

 

Q. Why do paper maps never win at poker?
A. Because they always fold.

 

Q. What kind of projection do 3 out of 4 ear, nose, and throat specialists prefer?
A. A sinus-oidal map projection.

 

Q. What do you get when you cross a cowboy with a mapmaker?
A. A cow-tographer.

 

Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?
A. She didn’t like his bearing.

 

Q. Why does west longitude need to be cheered up?
A. Because it is always negative.

 

Q. What do a row of Bacardi bottles and a loxodrome have in common?
A. Both are rum (rhumb) lines.

 

Q. Why did the equator win the MVP (most valuable parallel) award at the Latitude Super Bowl?
A. Because it was a great circle.

 

Q. What did the mapmaker send his sweetheart on Valentine’s Day?
A. A dozen compass roses.

 

Q. Why did the dot go to college?
A. Because it wanted to be a graduated symbol.

 

Q. Why weren’t there any parallels on the map?
A. Because the cartographer didn’t have any latitude in his map design.

 

Q. What do you call a USGS quadrangle with green water, blue forests, and all the names spelled backwards?
A. A topo-illogical map.

 

Q. What kind of sunglasses do physical relief maps wear?
A. Hypsometric tints.

 

Q. Why couldn't Mark McGwire reach first after hitting his 62nd home run?
A. He didn't have a base map.

 

Q. What do you call a map of outhouses in the woods?
A. A shaded relief map.

 

Q. How can you tell if a map was made by a troll?
A. It is in the gnome-onic (gnomonic) projection.

 

Q. What kind of maps do spiders make?
A. Web-based maps.

 

Q. What do you call the queue of foreign couples outside the Hard Rock Cafe?
A. The international date line.

Q. Why didn't the map projection finish his speech?
A. He was interrupted.

 

Q. A Mercator, Lambert Conformal, and Homolosine projection met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Only the Homolsine Projection went on to heaven. Why?
A. It was the only Good(e) projection.

 

Q. Why do soldiers study their maps at stop lights?
A. Because their maps are red-light readable.

 

Q. How do maps get around London?
A. They take the map tube.

 

Q. How do you clean a nautical chart?
A. You give it an iso-bath (isobath).

 

Q. Why did the cartographer put the projection in a hangar?
A. It was a plane projection.

 

Q. What map element plays in the band?
A. The symbols (cymbals).

 

Q. Did you hear about the map that was mugged?
A. It was rolled by the map librarian.

 

Q. What is a nautical chart's best pitch?
A. The depth curve.

 

Q. Why was the map twitching?
A. It had a nervous tic.

 

Q. Why did the map crash?
A. It lost its control.

 

Q. What projection do birds use to track their migration?
A. A robins-son (Robinson) projection.

 

Q. What kind of map plays CD's?
A. A stereo map.

 

Q. Why is a lifeguard like a polar stereographic projection?
A. The lifeguard is a tan gent and the polar stereographic projection is tangent.

 

Q: Why did the innocent map go to jail?
A: It was framed by the neatline.

 

Q: What projection do lost sheep use to find their way home?
A: The Lamb-ert Conic Conformal projection.

 

Q: Why don't cartography librarians wear high heels?
A: They prefer map flats.

 

Q: What is the difference between a tub full of freezing water and a depth contour?
A: One is an icy bath and the other is an isobath.

Q: How do maps comb their hair?
A: They use a geographic brush.

Q: Why is the Jenks classification system like an orthopedic surgeon?
A: They both deal with natural breaks.

 

Q: Why didn't the marginalia go to the dance?
A: It didn't have a date.

 

Q: Why was the globe rated "R"?
A: Because of its gore. (In earlier times, a map that was pasted on the globe consisted of a number of tapered strips, called gores.)

 

Q: What is the difference between a black tie dinner for prisoners and a projection showing true shape?
A: One is a con formal and the other is conformal.

 

 

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi -&- Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! -&- We Also Take American Money

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good -or- Potatoes and Neo Nazi's... What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States -&- Where Science Don't Mean Squat

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes"

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die -&- Come Cut Our Cheese

 

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Canadians plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Canadians Sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

Italian Cars won't start

Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)

Distilled water freezes

Canadian water get thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)

Hollywood disintegrates.

Canadians rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

Mt. St. Helens freezes.

Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

Ethyl alcohol Freezes.

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.

Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

Hell freezes over.

 

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

 

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

 

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

 

"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

 

"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

 

"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

 

"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

 

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The barman says "Yep, thats them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are u guys doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

So Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

 

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

 

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: "Don't Step on the Ducks."

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

 

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as well.

 

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on. very tan, muscular and sexy. St.Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

 

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. Also for those of us that are old enough to understand George Carlin! A few statements to ponder...George Carlin quotes:

 

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

 

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

 

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

 

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

 

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

11. Is there another word for synonym?

 

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

 

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

 

 

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

 

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

 

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5lbs.

 

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

 

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

 

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

 

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then . . . .  . I regain consciousness (/sobriety).

 

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

 

Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

 

 

Hurray for the Indian Hell

 

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell, for each country.

 

He goes first to the German hell and asks What do they do here? "He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

 

 

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after Exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

“Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ..."

"Ah, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ..." "What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,00 OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too.."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those pres

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

 

There was this "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose from among many men, a husband for her.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in +ve attributes as you ascended up the floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you

couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girls go to the place to find men :

First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?".

So up they go.

Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking"

Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow!

say the women. Very tempting!!!

But, there's more further up! And up they go.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said