INVASION OF THE YACHT PEOPLE
     A Docudramatazation Based on Tabloid Journalistic "Fact"
                         By Robert Mauro

     "They bring in all sorts of horrible, even fatal diseases,"
decried one angry immigration official.  "Ulcers, heart disease,
hemorrhoids, obesity, even excessively high cholesterol!  Our
poor government is forced to supply them with all sorts of
expensive drugs and surgical procedures, not to mention bottled
water, swizzle sticks, and limo service.  And do you know what it
costs our government to supply them with Tagamet, Preparation H,
and liposuction alone??  And then there are all those exotic skin
peels and imported volcanic mud baths!  We don't even have the
pills, let alone the surgical instruments or the imported
volcanic mud!"
     Yes, the government of Haiti was furious some years ago! 
Hundreds of "filthy rich, ugly Americans were buying expensive
yachts and fleeing the United States for this "tropical
paradise."
     "Oh, these unsavory, illegal aliens say it is the violence
in their streets, all the drugs and drive-by shooting in the
United States that is making them flee here.  But we in Haiti
know better!" said the Haitian Chief of Police back then.  "It's
our more economical standard of living and, of course, our more
attractive income tax codes which they crave."
     Not coincidentally, this invasion of the yacht people all
started in 1992 -- that very same year the U.S. Presidency
changed hands.  Before 1992 it was the false promise of "no new
taxes."  And where there was once rampant greed and trickle-down
economics, suddenly, beginning in 1992, there were rumors of
universal health care and a humongous luxury tax on the rich. 
Moreover, it was also rumored there would be fewer frequent flyer
miles for the well-to-do.
     "We had to do what we could to survive," said billionaire
American Henry Chase Throckmorton the Third, who sought Haitian
citizenship.  "So prior to April 15th, we grabbed our stocks,
bonds, mutual funds, Visa, Master Card, American Express, Exxon,
Diner's Club, Discovery, J.C. Penney, and Bloomingdales' credit
cards and made our way to the nearest beach with the most
exclusive yacht club and yacht dealership.  It was all we could
do to get out of the country before it was too late!"
     It was true.  It wouldn't be long, some not-yet-homeless
billionaires thought, before a Capital Gains tax, a Luxury Tax,
and the Prime Rate would skyrocket.  And to those making over a
billion a year, it was time to gather up their meager
possessions, i.e., negotiable stocks, bonds, T-bills, Tiffany
jewelry, Rolex watches, yachts and flee for their economic lives!
     "Screw the Statue of Liberty and My Country 'Tis of Thee!"
cried Henry Chase Throckmorton the Third.  "I'm thinking of my
Liberty Bonds and my god-damned Pork Bellies!"
     By early 1995, the situation for the Haitian Government was
getting desperate.  Hundreds of Haitians were writing, faxing and
even telephoning their government to keep these filthy, disease-
ridden rich Americans -- "these ugly yacht people" -- out!
     "We don't need none of their filthy high cholesterol or
disgusting hemorrhoids!" became the hue and cry of most middle-
class Haitians.
     "We tried our best to blockade the entire United States,"
said the befuddled Haitian Secretary of the Navy, but with one
used Chris Craft and two leaky dinghies, this was an
impossibility.  You simply cannot blockade 12,000 miles of
pleasant, sunny U.S. coastline with three rust buckets.  Soooo,
we were screwed."
     Alas, there was one option left so the Haitian government
thought: the Haitian Coast Guard would just have to turn away
these unwanted, filthy rich yacht people.  But with hundreds of
yachts invading Haitian waters every day, it was impossible to
stop the wave upon wave of filthy rich, ugly Americans -- not to
mention their poorer dependants, such as their lawyers,
investment advisors, stock brokers, and so-called "certifiable"
public accountants.
     "We had one alternative," said the Haitian President.  "We
had to put them all in a camp."
     Jimmy Carter was asked to intercede.  Carter and his Habitat
for Humanity Project helped build dozens of palatial, centrally
air-conditioned mansions, each with sauna, Jacuzzi, heated pool,
and tennis court.  These meager dwellings, with but one satellite
dish and basement vault each, were strategically surrounded by
exclusive shopping malls with stores from Fifth Avenue, Rodeo
Drive and Madison Avenue.  Armed guards in towers stood at the
ready to keep the yacht people "in the camp and from invading the
local residential areas of Haiti."
     "We were very afraid," said the Haitian Minister of Economic
Development, "they'd cause havoc looking for a Perrier or other
brand-named bottled waters.  We just had that left-over stagnant
stuff in all those old, abandoned U.S. army trucks back then.  We
knew this would just not do for these filthy rich yacht people. 
So we were forced to build the shopping malls and air drop Evian,
Perrier, Caviar, and other gourmet delicacies into the camps to
prevent riots from breaking out in our humble country."
     "Furthermore, " the Haitian Minister of Health added, "we
were terrified of an outbreak of the runs.  We knew these filthy
rich illegals from America were simply not used to the cheap
stuff like black beans and army-surplus water in used army
trucks.  So, as I said, we had to give them Evian and Perrier. 
This cost a lot of money.  We did ask for economic aide from the
U.S.  But only Cuba would help.  And, sadly, they were out of
Perrier and Evian.  Once again we were screwed."
     For years the situation in Haiti remained serious, even
explosive.  The yacht people keep coming.  And they keep sweating
in their saunas through the hot Haitian summers.  Central air
conditioning was being taxed to the limit.  Meanwhile, the
Haitian government debated whether to send the filthy rich yacht
people back to the U.S. or try to sell them water-front property
and yacht club memberships.
     When this reporter asked one of the evenly tanned, but
extremely obese yacht people why they had fled the U.S., and
if it was, as rumored, because of all the violence in the streets
and the drugs, one yacht person sneered and said, "Hell no!  It
was all those god-damn taxes!  And besides, we can still get Rush
Limbaugh loud and clear right here, thanks to Armed Forces
Radio!"
     But then one day out of the blue suddenly everything
changed!  George W. Bush was elected and promised a trillion
dollar tax cut for the rich.  Immediately thousands of rich
American yacht people began fleeing Haiti for the U.S.
     "Oh, shit!" said the President of Haiti.  "And just as we
were starting to integrate those wonderful rich American yacht
people into our humble society!  And tell me, please, what will
happen now to all our humble Haitians who have jobs fixing yacht
and serving these wonderful rich Americans Perrier and Evian,
huh?  Oh, well.  I guess once again we Haitians are screwed."