Episode 1: Prelude to the Fiasco
As he entered the local diner, Ralph noticed a large transvestite looking at his unclothed crotch. He flashed a big toothy grin and winked, he also unwillingly showed his pleasure by the wagging of his tail. When he got a chance, he walked over and �accidentally� dropped his Hawaiian on the ground. She gasped and said, �Oh my god, that has to be the biggest phallic shaped pleasure toy I have ever seen!�
�Is it? Well I�ll have you know I rolled it myself,� Ralph suavely replied.
�Oh la la. I like a man who can roll his own pleasure toys.� Ralph decided to change the subject and lift the back of his trench coat up. She turned away at the sight of his matted rear. He then put his trench coat back down and sat in the stool next to her. He then realized that he didn�t want to sit down at all, and got up to check out his options. So he jumped up on the counter and straddled the space in front of her. �What do you think you�re doing?, I�m not that kind of�person.�
�Then what kind of person are you, baby?� As he said this Ralph suddenly realized that his small furry friend was getting out of control. His �tail� was moving so violently that her cup of coffee flew into her lap. �Mind if I clean that up for you?� he casually suggested as he shot her a rousing glance. It worked. Once again his doggish charm got him a sensual look back. Ralph took that as a yes and got down in the position on all fours. She looked down at him and she slid off her stool onto the floor next to him. She immediately started licking him in the �face.� He made a startled movement backward and said.
�Woah honey! That�s my job!� She looked at him for a few moments and then turned over, anticipating what was yet to come. He unintentionally rose up onto his hind legs, not thinking about what he was about to do. Then the word �transvestite� popped into his mind. He wavered in the air, not sure what to do next, although he was pretty sure what he didn�t want to do. Luckily the transvestite stood up out of boredom and knocked him in the chin. His vision suddenly went black.
Some time later when Ralph drifted back to reality, it occurred to him that everyone was gone. �What the hell is going on here?� he wondered. His vision was dark� wait, the lights were off. Then he realized that he was staring at his own ceiling. The whole thing was a dream. As he untangled himself from his sheets, he noticed the time. �Son of a bitch, I was supposed to meet a client at two this afternoon.� Ralph jumped out of his bed, threw on some clothes and ran out the door.
While walking down Chandler Avenue, he noticed that he didn�t have any cigarettes. The business dog walking next to him had a pack, partially exposed, in his back pocket. As he reached for it, someone bumped him from behind, and he went nose first into the dog�s ass. Then he realized it wasn�t a dog at all, but a large beaver. The beaver turned and acknowledges Ralph�s presence by letting a monstrous fart. Unfortunately for Ralph, his nose was still in the beaver�s ass.
�That�s what you get for sticking your nose where it doesn�t belong,� huffed the beaver, and Ralph was left alone, sitting in the street, with big clump of shit up his nose. He steadied himself, and walked down the street. Little did he know, that when his feet hit the pavement, his shorts had split, and his meat whistle was swinging to and fro for all the world to see. No wonder everyone was giving him funny looks, it�s not every day you see a dog walking down the street with his �power tools� hanging out. Ralph was still two blocks away from his office when it started to rain. As he was casually strolling along, it suddenly became evident to Ralph that a certain part of his doggly-hood was visible to all. He nonchalantly tucked his fragile parcel back in his shorts, only to find it swing back out the bottom. He was running late so Ralph decided to wrap it around his waist and finish it off with a Granny�s knot. He turned and ran to his office.
He rushed through the door, crossed the room into his closet, and shut the door behind him. Meanwhile sitting across from Ralph�s desk, Miss Imma Shager listened as Ralph rustled around in the closet. Her thoughts were interrupted as Ralph jumped out of the closet with his pants on backwards.
�I just had some business I had to attend to before we got started, sorry about that.�
�I bet you did, now lets attend to my business.� Replied Miss Shager. Upon hearing this, Ralph started towards his seat, and in the process, tripped over the floor mat, and ended up face-first in Imma�s lap. She screamed �I don�t know what kind of business you conducted in the closet, but this is not what I had in mind.� Ralph looked into her eyes for a moment and then said,
�I am terribly sorry Miss Shager, but I mistakenly put my trousers on backwards. You have to believe that I would never do such a thing on purpose.�
�Your apology is accepted, but I must comment on the enormous size of your shish kabob.� Ralph jumped up and looked down at his still knotted love wand. �How did you ever manage to get that many loops?� Imma said as she stared wide eyed at his now purple celery stick.
�It�s an old family secret� admitted Ralph, �I can remember my dad showing me how to do it in the bathroom.� He smiled to himself as he remembers the proud look on his dads face the day he had successfully tied his wang chung into a Granny�s knot. �So, what can I help you with, Miss Shager?�
�Please, call me Imma.� She flashed Ralph a big seductive smile.
Ralph became uneasy in his chair because he had never been aroused by a human before. He tried to stay calm and keep his sausage link underneath his desk. She easily picked up his sudden effort to conceal his lap. She decided to see how long she could keep him going by taking off her coat and revealing her skimpy dress. Ralph shifted again and then he inadvertently lifted his desk off the ground by his dog chimney. She watched in amazement as the desk rose higher and higher, until the ceiling in the office also started to rise. Due to the enormous size of his space needle he quickly lost all blood to his head and passed out. The desk came crashing down, trapping his schlong underneath. He quickly came to consciousness and wound his hose back into its rested position.
Embarrassed that he had shown how easily he could succumb to his primal desires, Ralph sat up without a word, and left his office. He didn�t know where he was going as he climbed down into the subway and got on the closest train. Little did he know he was being pursued by Imma.