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| I seem to be almost trapped in a perpetual mid-life crisis of some kind. Perhaps this is related to the "immaturity" of my brain. More than others, I wonder if this really is all there is. I want to get so much more out of life, but I�m not sure how to go about accomplishing it. Often I am defeated and discouraged to the point that I may think this is all I could have all that I could handle. I really try to "behave" myself, to be responsible at school, to do "the family thing" and to meet all of the other demands that life puts on me. But I struggle with restlessness and a drive for something more. |
| I came up with some way of coping with the realities of life. I wasn�t able to learn when I was a child, in the words of the Rolling Stones, that "you can't always get what you want." I learned how to either delay, defer or even to deny my own goals and aspirations for the greater goal of more immediate priorities, such as a family or a career. I can successfully "shift" my goals so that I don't feel like a failure for having not achieved a dream I once had but can instead find satisfaction in what I have accomplished. All people have the occasional bout of wanderlust, but I come through with little more than maybe a new car and a few ridiculously expensive clothes. I�m trying to come terms with who I am and to be able to be happy with those terms. |
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| To me, hope deferred most probably IS hope denied. I never learned the lessons of delay of gratification as a child. If I somehow did pick up on that concept, in some sort of abstract, theoretical way, my basic nature still makes it hard for me to apply it. There is always a feeling that SOMETHING is being missed. I�m gifted, creative, and intelligent, and being the diverse and imaginative group that that is, I deal with these facts of life in imaginative and diverse ways. Usually I just give up. I become defeated and a part of me deep inside is put to death. How much longer can the dreamer live, once his dreams are fully dead? I seem to have a difficult time in determining what is realistic and what is not. This problem can be solved by management and compromise. Management will not take away all of these feelings of restlessness, but it will help me cope with them better. |
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| The problem with me is that I�m looking for that "one big break" that will change my life dramatically and justify all of my unsuccessful pursuits. It's almost as though I want to turn the tables on all those encouraging teachers and parents of my childhood. I have something to prove- I want to someday say "See, I told you I could do it." (In fact, sometimes the fact that I have something to prove is what keeps me in a steady job, or a relationship, even if it�s killing me inside.) I don�t sleep. I lay awake at night, thinking. I tell my friends that the Lord has blessed me with longer days than most men. I function on between 2 to 6 hours of sleep a night. With that much time on your hands you have to do something. I rehearse and prepare for my big break. It's almost a Clark Kent/Superman dual identity. During the day, I am a student or whatever, but at night I am a writer, a poet, a musician. Or what ever my current "dream" may be. I create this secret world in a sense. |
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| I love this "secret" world I create, a world which is sometimes more real to me than the treadmill of the day. It meets some very basic needs of mine, such as a having a place where I am in control and I do not have to fear being reprimanded or criticized. This "world" of mine does not have the often-harsh limitations that are found in everyday life. For a time, at least, anything is possible. The most basic need of all humanity is self-expression. As for me, for whom self expression is often either repressed or rejected, finds it in this place. All of this is very good for me and even healthy, provided it doesn't begin to interfere with the "real world". If I start falling asleep at school, or I am so obsessed with a piece of work (such as a book) that I can't (or won't) do my job, I need to back off and reconfigure. Because of his fear of rejection, I may or may not share this world with others. "Do not cast your pearls before swine" (Matthew 7:6) certainly applies here. There is nothing more personal than something created by me. For that to be rejected is tantamount to a personal rejection of the creator. |
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