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Ralph's Guide to
Capitalization
Copyright, Ralph, 2002. All rights reserved.
Capitally.
CAPITALIZATION
Ralph’s
is all for capitalization, in publishing and in other areas of society. Go
Texas! But let's not just capitalize the laws with "humane"
executions (as if executing someone can actually be called humane);
let's break out nooses and axes and other fun tools.
In fact,
Ralph’s is of the belief that the realm of capital crimes should be extended
beyond just premeditated murder, to include robbery, nun beating, and, yes,
dangling modifiers. And especially using the em dash where a comma would
suffice. (But not for fragments.)
You would
certainly have schoolchildren paying attention in class for a change, if they
knew they would be drawn and quartered for failing to cross that t.
In addition, and far more important, copy editors would be taken far more
seriously. They would in fact become something like lawyers. They would
certainly be better paid.
In
fact, Ralph’s is in favor of bringing back the rack, the guillotine . . .
Oh, not that “capitalization” .
. . Oh.
Capitalization
Well, I
believe Karl Marx summed it up best in his great work Dos
Capital (Spanish for Tale of Two
Cities), by pointing out that workers are essentially cut off from an I-Thou relationship with the products they make . . . Oh? Not that capital
either?
Oh, this is
capitalization as in uppercasing. I get it.
Capitalization
There was a time when people capitalized ANYTHING. They thought capitalization
made words sound more Important. Read, for example, the United States
Constitution.
We the People of the United States, in Order to form
a more
perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility . . .
Talk about cheap writing devises. Why not just fill the sentence with
exclamation marks.
We the people! of the Unites States! in order for form! Yeah!
Anyhow, this of course had to be changed. Otherwise how would the style manual
read?
Capitalize the first, third, and ninth word of any important document . . .
And so some sensible rules were established. Following is a brief summary of
them.
Sentences
Like,
helloo! Capitalize the first letter of a sentence. Learn to read, to
write, and to whistle the melody of “Straight, No Chaser” while chewing
gum. This is pretty basic stuff.
What?! What if the sentence is in small caps? Don’t you know that sentences
look utterly ridiculous in small caps? But if you must set one thus, yes, use
a big capital on the beginning—something, say the size of Tokyo.
Wrong: the Republican Party houses the country's highest wisdom.
Still Wrong: The Republican Party houses the country's highest wisdom.
Right: The Republican Party looks better in pink wigs.
Proper
Names
Capitalize
all proper names (Tom, Dick, Harry, and occasionally Woodrow). Do not, on the
other hand, capitalize improper ones—such aberrations as boy george, prince,
and kd lang. No wait, capitalize that last one, and stick some periods in
there. But avoid capitalizing improper names, like the ones my colleagues call
me, like pea brain, squash head, and desk dancer (don't ask).
Sentences
Inside of Parenthesis Inside of Other Sentences
If
you have to put grammatically complete sentences inside of other grammatically
complete sentences (this is a practice which is terribly complicated and
distracting to readers, who, by the time they get to the end of the
grammatically complete sentence inside the parentheses inside of the sentence
they are reading, have lost the train of thought), it is not necessary to
capitalize the first letter of that sentence inside parentheses inside of the
other sentence, unless perhaps the first word is an abbreviation or acronym
that is normally capitalized, such as NATO, M.B.A., or TGIF (it is surprising
just how many sentences do, in fact, begin with these), in which case
lowercasing would be almost as ridiculous as impossibly long sentences
interspersed with other grammatically complete sentences in parentheses (these
are sentences that should be avoided).
Partial
Sentences
Do
not write partial sentences. Aren’t effective. Not partial to them.
Poetry
The
truly neat thing about poetry is that poets can do anything they please. Just
look at the example below.
I heard a Fly buzz—when I died—
The Stillness in the Room
Was like the Stillness in the Air—
Between
the Heaves of Storm—
—Emily Dickinson (J. 465, opening)
Imagine being this lady’s copy editor! Actually, copyediting for a great poet
would be a wonderful job. You cannot correct their punctuation or
capitalization. Probably the only thing they would accept would be typos, and
they’d probably find something poetic even about those. But the copy
editor’s job would basically just be running a spell check. Of course, poets
don’t make much money, and therefore would not likely pay much to have
someone run a spell check. Poetic justice.
Direct
Questions
The
first letter of the first word might or might not be capitalized, depending on
the wish of the author. If the author wants it capitalized, the copy editor
should argue that it cannot be so, and state his argument with a gun in his
hand. Should the author wish it lowercased, then the copy editor should by all
means point out how much clearer the meaning would be if it were capped.
Remember: Always keep authors on the run, and never, ever, let them think they
somehow understand the English language better than, say, a goldfish.
Indirect
Questions
If
you find authors beating around the bush with their questions (He looked at
her and opened his lips, saying, “Do you, would you, could
you, should you . . . like to,
well, you know, like . . .) cross all the text out with red pen and tell the
author to revise.
Americans
do not like indirect writing (hard to read? see the sections above on [a]
sentences in parentheses in other sentences and [b] partial sentences).
Look at
Mark Twain. Better yet, look at his writing. It says this in all the writing
books. They call you a sissy for using the passive voice. We at Ralph’s see
no reason to make indirect questions any different. If a writer insists on
such wording, call the swine a pansy and triple your fee.
Rules
and Mottos
You
can make rules and mottos much more official looking by adding in capital
letters.
Throw
away Coffee Cups after you are Done!
Do unto Others as Others would Do onto you.
Beware of The Dog.
Don’t Dangle your Modifier, at least not In Public.
However, beware of the ill effect of rules and mottos: They tend to aggravate
people (doesn't that usage of aggravate aggravate
you?).
After
Colons
There
is heated debate on the question of whether the first letter following a colon
should or should not be capitalized. Use this uncertainty. It can be an
excellent way to get under a writer’s skin. A quick journey through various
style books and the works of famous writers will provide extensive support for
either viewpoint, but writers generally do not look closely at the things
they read and most of them do not even know what a style manual is (they just
assume they have some sort of an inside understanding of the language that no
other person can pretend).
Therefore, when you need something for leverage (e.g., when you are about to
ask for a raise), or when you need to make a writer looks stupid, or when you
simply feel like giving a writer a hard time, state that you have done an
extensive survey of works similar to the one in question and found that the
style (cap or non-cap) that the author suggests (insists upon, as is usually
more the case) is almost unheard of.
Quotations
A
quotation implanted in a sentence should be capitalized if it is from someone
important, such as the president of the United States.
The
president shouted to reporters as he left
the White House, “We’re
having
hot dogs for lunch.”
A
quotation made by someone unimportant, on the other hand, is not normally
capitalized.
The
vice president looked at the class, smiled, and said, “mosquito? ooh,
that’s
a tricky one, but i know it.
it’s m-o-s, not m-i-s . . . m-o-s-q-u-i-t-o-e."
"Ha-ha!”
The class laughed.
TO
BE CONTINUED
Another time. |
