Three>>>Break Down
The radio is playing a song about love- how wonderful love is. A couple is walking into the dorms holding hands and laughing. I smell the air freshener Estelle bought me as a joke a couple weekends ago. I see the Starbucks coffee cup in my cup holder- the same place her and I went in between her classes a lot of days. The car in front of me is a Honda. Estelle drives a Honda. The bracelet on my wrist shifts as I drive. Estelle made it for me. I know I am about to break down. For the first time since the break up, I am about to break down. I start to panic as the tears start to roll down my cheeks. I pull into a random parking lot and park the car. Pulling my sunglasses on I get out quickly and walk into a random building.
I don�t know what to do with myself! I am breaking. I can feel myself breaking. I see a bathroom. I don�t know if it is men or women but I rush into it and slam the door, locking it. I sink onto the floor crying- letting myself cry. I let myself cry as loud as I want, kicking the floor a couple times and throwing my keys across the room. I don�t know how long I cry. But it feels good to cry. I haven�t cried yet since she broke it off. I tried so hard to keep together. I filled in all the cracks so I wouldn�t fall apart. But here I am. In the middle of a random bathroom sobbing like a pathetic moron.
I stand up and stare into the mirror, watching myself cry. I�m starting to enjoy it. It�s interesting to see myself cry. And it�s comforting- my own little pity party. Look how sad Taylor is. How could that cold bitch do this to him�poor Taylor. I need to throw myself a pity party right now. After a couple minutes I fall back onto the ground and start to think rationally.
Estelle is gone. Estelle is a bitch. Estelle doesn�t appreciate me for who I am. Estelle and I weren�t right for each other obviously. Fuck this! I love Estelle.
I finally ended up pulling myself out of the bathroom after a good 15 minute sob fest. I�m feeling fine now. In fact, I feel refreshed. As I walk up to Zac�s residence hall here at Oklahoma State University I notice a spring in my step. I feel almost relived. I don�t have to try and get her back anymore. I can�t try. It�s not possible. I can move on in my life. I walk in and make my way to the 4rth floor. I get out of the elevator and knock on his door.
�Hey dude. What�s up?�
I push by him and collapse on his bed. �Am I pathetic?�
�I don�t know. What did you do? Fuck Tay, did you go to that animal shelter again and�� He says, referring to the time I brought two little puppies home that my parents made me return.
�No!� How can he confuse the loss of a true love with my animal shelter compassion? �It has nothing to do with the abandon little puppies this time� But now that he mentions it, I start to feel that deep empathy for the conditions a shelter animal must endure.
He sits down at his computer and types something- probably talking to one of the fans he�s friends with. He�s only friends with them because they flatter him and enlarge his ego.
�Hello, I am going through a major trauma right now.�
�What, Estelle won�t take you back?�
�She wants NOTHING to do with me! I swear Zac! How can she love me for 7�almost 8 months and then one day just want nothing to do with me!�
He sighs and looks at me. �I don�t know Tay. Didn�t Lindsey do the same thing? And Nicole? Oh and how about-�
�You�re not helping.� What kind of support is this? He is supposed to be my brother. Help me through thick and thin. Pull me up when I�m down. You know. Not bring me through a painful trail of every previous relationship I�ve ever had.
�Well I don�t know man . Maybe you�re too�clingy after break ups. Maybe that�s why they suddenly decide they want nothing to do with you. I�m not a girl who�s dated you. In fact, I�m not a girl at all so�I don�t know what to tell you.�
I look at his ceiling and sigh. �I feel like my life is so meaningless right now. What do I have in my life Zac? Estelle was all I had to look forward to. And now she�s gone. I have nothing left. I�m empty.�
He looks at me, a sudden sense of compassion in his face. �You probably feel empty. But you just need�things to fill this gap Tay. Go to school, get a real job, join a club, go to church, play a sport, I don�t know. Fill this gap with yourself for once. Indulge in yourself�
�What do you mean?�
�Instead of finding another girl to take her place, take her place yourself. Focus on improving your life without pulling someone else into it right now.�
Maybe he has a point. When Lindsey left me, I quickly found Nicole. We hit it off for about 6 months. Until she decided I wasn�t right for her. Then I found Estelle. Maybe another woman is not what I need. Maybe my brother�s right.
�Zac?�
�Hm?�
�What do you think of pottery?�