My last official update in this layout. I'm working on a new one. This last entry was brought on by an quasi-epiphany i had on the way home from practice tonight. Also, this is definitely my last update because I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Kind of. For a while I believed myself to really really like this one guy. Doesn't matter who he is (i'll deny everything), but for the sake of this entry, we'll call him Aaron. This is the first male name under babynames.com, so don't start thinking anything. Anyway, I realized tonight that it's been over a year since I really, actually, talked to Aaron. And I remember this because it was almost exactly a year ago that I last had a phone conversation with him (at Heritage Fest, right when I got back from BOA camp. And no, I just remember because it was a weird place to call someone). But the point is, after a while I think I fell for the idea of him, not him himself. Because let's face it, I never really got to know him very well. Then again, maybe I didn't need to. Maybe I really do still like him. But this isn't going to get all stupid and girly. I truly do believe that I let myself fall for the idea of him instead of him himself. Or maybe I was attracted only to certain qualities of his. I don't know. But I've decided that this chapter of my life is closed. No more stupid crush. I wish I wouldve told him or something. I don't care anymroe. rawr. Being a teenage girl SUCKS. I don't think this is the only time Ive done this either. I let my mind make up personalities for people I dont know, kind of like how Shawn did in Boy Meets World when he told Cory his dad was a CIA agent. Except mine aren't that far fetched. Erm, at least I hope not. I tend to always believe that there is a little bit of good in people, which has always bitten me in the ass. I know Markham doesn't read this, but I'd like to extend a "thank you" to him for noticing how shitty I felt today and actually sounding concerned. It meant a lot. And I was just really tired and stressed, it's nothing new for the summer. So don't freak out that this is some stupid rant. I'm feeling really peaceful. Kind of. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of something I only halfway am sure of, but deep down I know it's right. Wow, this entry is getting WAY too Melrose Place for me. Oh well, nobody reads this anyway. I'm living vicariously through Megan's journal. I wish I had something profound to say in the last sentence. I'm sorry none of my entries ever seem to make sense. So I bid the Alias journal adieu, with this amazing quote from Antigone, which you guys should all read because it was really cool and really easy. Oh, and Sophocles kicks ass. "Blest are they whose days have not tasted of evil." Totally out of context, but I absolutely love it. Goodnight, everyone.
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
First, a shoutout to Roni for making me update.
Second, a shoutout to my brother for playing his trumpet so loudly I can't freaking concentrate on my homework and am forced to update
I had an unbelievably good day today. Yesh i did. Probably because I didn't go to school. I fell asleep in my clothes on the couch last night doing homework and I guess my parents took pity on me and called me out. Soooo I woke up at 9:30 and was freaking out at why I wasnt in school and HOW COULD THEY NOT HAVE WOKEN ME UP? So, I called my mom and she was like "I called you out, go back to sleep". But I couldnt. So, I worked on my English Hamlet project all day instead, and now I am done. bwahahahaha. Now I might actually have some time this weekend to do Degler and whatnot. Or maybe work on my thesis paper. Now THAT would be nice. Anyway...how have things been since I updated this last..hmm. I still like *him* (im not telling anyone, just accept it coughronicough), I am still worried about SATs, college, ACTs, my damn spanish grade...what am I NOT worried about? (nothing would be the answer). I got a 29 on my ACTs, which I guess is good enough for a lot of scholarships and whatnot, but I know that I'm totally capable of doing better, which is why I'm retaking it June 12th. huzzah. As for SATs...i dont even want to think about that test. And I probably should, since it's next Saturday and i havent had time to practice for it yet, but AGH. hmm enough bitching. I do believe I have entered what seems like the longest 40 days EVER. Although I dont practice Lent, and therefore have no other time in my life to wait for 40 days, and I dont usually count down until the end of school like this. Junior year fucking sucks, but who doesnt know that already? Ohhh yeah, I got my license since my last update too. It was weird...I got it, then I like went home and went back to sleep. I wasn't even excited. However, I also got pulled over in the month that I had it. Stop laughing, I wasnt speeding or anything. My fucking plates were expired, so he gave me a warning, and I blamed it all on my parents. 'twas a sweet thang. Thank you Anna for helping me not break down during that ordeal. DAMNIT SURAJ STOP PLAYING!!!! I'm getting rather desparate for stuff to say here. hmmm. Dude...he just stopped playing. Rock on. Peace out, I have to go do Newman.
The doorbell rang today, and that is what sparked this entry. I remember when I was little, and I'd run to the door like I was running a freaking marathon, determined to be the first one to answer it. Today, I just sat on the couch, and groaned when I had to get my ass up and answer it. When did I stop caring? I just don't care anymore whos at the door, or who's calling, and I can't figure out when it stopped. When did the excitement die in me? I guess it was just a gradual thing. And it's not just little trivial things like this, either. I look all around me, and I see everyone I know housing a passion for someting...anything. Music, dancing, drawing, cooking, tennis, softball, anything and everything. Nothing gives me that kind of passion that I see, and I must admit...I am very jealous. There is nothing in this world that I absolutely love doing. I am living for...nothing. I'm settling for a job I don't want, and it's driving me absolutely crazy. Sure, theres stuff that I enjoy but nothing truly...drives me.I dont want to settle for a life of mediocrity and working a job I hate so I can pay the bills. I want to be one of those people who loves to get up in the morning and go to work. This has happened to me in school too. I'm not taking any classes that I want to take because I'm genuinely interested in the content. No, now it's all about "what will look good on my transcripts?" and "what will colleges look for?". It's disgusting. I seem to have gotten myself into this slump that everyone else has, maybe it'll work itself out. Or maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of this awful problem I have and pretending that I'm okay with it when I'm really not.
On another note. I like *him* so much I can't even stand it anymore.
weird. should i be insulted? or maybe laugh at the stupidity of the person who made this? Or cry because I am such a loser?
Ok. MANY MANY MANY random thoughts floating around, so bear with me. First of all, I didn't get drum major. I was fine with it...a little disappointed, but okay with it. My first thought was...well, you all should know what it was. Anyway, given that news, I was thinking about quitting. Honest to god I was. I still am. (haha imperfect tense). If you didn't know already, I've been working on learning baritone, which I was planning on marching with next season in case I didn't get it. However, this can be very very frustrating, and the last thing I need after a 3 or 4 (or 5...) hour practice is (insert youknowwho here) coming up to me and telling me that I suck and that I need to get better. I don't know if I have the mental strength to deal with that for a whole season. And if I march flute...I'll just get frustrated because I would want to be section leader and that's Carla's turf now. Okay, number two. Like I said: I was absolutely FINE with not making it. Granted I've wanted it since freshman year more than I've wanted anything, but in all honesty I took it really calmly. And I was okay with it until Roselieb came up to me after my first Andy lesson (christ, he's such a good teacher) and goes "Yeah, it was a really really close call. But you really improved a lot!" Which...is not the thing that I wanted to hear. I wouldve much rather heard that I lost by a mile, or rather, not have heard anything. Who the fuck cares if I improved a lot...this was my LAST CHANCE TO TRY OUT. And I kicked ass. And oh my god I wanted to be drum major SO BADLY. But this makes it sound like I'm depressed, which I'm not. I just...really wanted it. For the past four years. And then comes the current drum major situation. WTG directors...put the person everyone hates (even the other 2 dm's) in charge! congratulations! Now people are quitting up the ass and its ALL YOUR (and andy's) FAULT. I love Destiny's Child. riight.
Next thing (I thought I needed a new paragraph). I have made it more than perfectly clear to Hornish AND Roselieb MULTIPLE times that a.) I am not trying out for flute sl, and b.) I AM NOT marhcing flute next year. Fuck, Hornish TOLD me not to. Soooo then I wonder why (along with what he said earlier in the entry) Roselieb was like "oh well, you're still marching flute though, right? Because that's what Mr. Hornish said. You should have tried out for section leader." ldasndaslkdaslkfndslnfrdnl. If they didn't give it to me because they thought I would march flute then they have another thing coming. I told them many times. They pulled me out of band twice (TWICE!) to check with me if I was marching/trying out or not. So that just made me aaannnggrryyy.
So basically, next year is going to suck (for me, anyway) whether or not I quit, and no matter what I do. All I can say is, one point tends to bite me in the ass a lot more than I'd like to think about.