CG's Poetry

CG's Poetry My Best Friend, Allison's Work...

There are no titles, only numbers, "for titles are merely subjective..."

Poems: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23

i stand here under your arm
the denim of your jacket absorbing the rain
your black hair shading your eyes
and you told me you could keep me safe
and you asked me for my hand

and i'm running
as if for my life
but i don't know why
or which demon's chasing me
sometime's i think your hand is the scariest thing i've seen

you say to relax, just be natural
stop putting on your act
and i look down
playing with the creases around my frown
"sometimes natural is the hardest performance to project"

you were screaming
i could hear you from the stairs
sharp words cutting my hair
biting my tongue in the dark

but i know enough to
close my mouth
that's what i was taught
and i learn my lessons well

and your speech still sings in my head
a soprano fighting with a baritone
but my throat hurts
and my lips are cracked and sore

and you found me on the bathroom floor
hiding inside a ribbon of light
and you put me in my bed
and closed the door

and i pull my tooth out in the dark
feeling the blood bathe my hand
pretty soft, pink faucet -- spraying
pretty red water

pulling my hair back with a rubber band
water running past my lips and neck
my upside down cheeks filling with red
even as my mouth is emptied of it

and the river runs off the counter
past me, onto the floor
but it's only water
nothing i haven't cleaned up before....

and 3

i'll tie a ribbon around my finger
so i don't forget
but the knots are fraying, coming loose
but i haven't remembered yet!

red ribbon unraveling on the floor
i shouldn't have played with the bow
and your heading for the door now
but it's not time for you to go!

right, i was going to tell you i love you
i was going to tell you i care
i wanted to tell you i'm sorry
and show you the secret i can't share

i loved you when i saw you
eyes, hair, body, and soul
and i loved your gentle smile
and your dull blue-grey glow

and i know you can't be this
i know this feeling isn't allowed
so i'll bury my heart inside my poetry
and my body inside the crowd

i had a dream where i kissed you
your lips were soft and slow
and i pulled you into my body
and felt your breasts below

but you have to know i'm sorry
apologies are all i have left
i left you bleeding on the tiles
and my courage buried in my hope chest

i wont bring you here again
i promise, i'll leave you alone
and crawl under the pages
and sew costumes out of stone

it's me again
i'm hiding behind the couch
i came out to play with you
but i can't stay long

sleeping with the dust bunnies
swept back into the wall
sliding around across the floor boards
dancing with lost coins and pretzels and dolls

it's dark back in here
but i suppose it's just as well
i can't see anything anyhow
my eyes burned out long ago

what about me
which selve this time
i stared at the mirror
looked myself in the eye
which one will i be this time?

her hair is red
her eyes are green
her hope is hiding
behind the screen
she's thrashing and flailing on the bed
and i imitate her movements,
even though they come in
and stare at my lone figure
dancing on the plain floor

doesn't anybody do this
staring at their faces
they can't be the only one home
don't they need somebody to play with
when they are all alone?

her hair is brown
her eyes are blue
she left to find him
she knows where he hides
and she runs, and paces
about her sanctuary, waiting
and i imitate her gait,
even though i know they hear my footsteps
tracing about an empty room

doesn't anybody do this
staring at their faces
they can't be the only one home
don't they need somebody to play with
when they are all alone?

her hair is black
her eyes are violet
she knows he will be home
entering through the door
and she waits for him inside the house, and then
talks excitedly to his bearded face
and i imitate her tone,
even though their ears are filled with my words
conversing with the empty air

doesn't anybody do this
staring at their faces
they can't be the only one home
don't they need somebody to play with
when they are all alone?

you thought you were alone
but i was watching you
i know everything
that you think, feel, and do

you thought i didn't know
but i was listening all along
i hear everything
i know all the lyrics to your sad songs

you thought i didn't love you
so maybe you were right
i wanted to run away and hide
from you, more than anything that night

but your scars held my eyes
and your fear clenched my hand
and my heart was a log, burning in your embrace
and i couldn't pull myself from your flames

so let's all sing songs
around the camp fire
you can put your arm around my shoulders
and pull out your crutch when i need a reminder

you thought i would leave you
but you missed something, hon!
you didn't see the strength in your broken bones
held to my head like a gun

and 7, (for good measure)
stupid little me {titles are for the selectively name-able}

i tried to mend the holes
you had made at the knees of your jeans
i patched them over with my hair
but it didn't reach across the seams

oh, stupid little me
dancing inside my dark cave
singing to the walls
stupid little me
blasting my speakers
above the sound of your calls
stupid little me
wishing you could hear me breaking
but i guess you don't have the balls

i had known you had fallen
but didn't know how far down
thought i could pick you up
and carry you on my own

i thought i could listen to you
but my ears couldn't take all the noise
and years of damage, ringing, resides there already
and there is just no more room for your little soldier "toys"

i thought you would notice
when there was nothing more i could do
but you only gripped tighter
and i can't break loose

i tried to pull away from your arms
but they are so much bigger than mine
and i want out of this hug
i can't breath inside your lines

your breaths are coming quicker
i can see you leaning towards me
and i'm frightened of getting closer
and i'm scared shit to pull away

and your body's touching mine
and i want out of you now
i don't want to be inside the house of straw
you made, when it comes falling down

i can't live inside the feel of your skin
my stomach's churning and knotting up
and my dinner's about to make a reapperance
and i don't want to be here when i lose control

i guess it's my fault now
i ventured to far out
and i'm losing track of where i built the walls
and i don't know how to get home

i guess the feeling is mutual
we wanted more than we could give
but i've died too many times with you already
and now i just want to live

i didn't really notice
when i disappeared
i have worn my uniform
like a good little soldier
and didn't see when
i blended into the sea of kacki

i marched slowly sometimes
holding up the line
never enough to break formation
never enough to mess up the rythmic
pounding of snychonized feet
beating loudly over the sound of my heart

i noticed movement across the field
and took leave of the troops
i drew fire from the enemy
and then waved my white flag
but someone has painted it red
and so a bullet flies through my head

but i don't really remember
when my thoughts stopped
i just feel this sensation
of dulling nothing in my head
and i don't know what something is
but i know what it is not

and i'm standing up in front
trying to hold back the crowd
i got a switchblade in my one hand
and a bandage in the other

and they're chanting their dissension
but the rain drowns them out
they're headed for the morning
and traveling by night

and someone throws a tomato
and someone else spits out a curse
and i've fallen to my knees
and the ringing in my ears is getting worse

and bodies are breaking in the rumble
and my courage is crumbling fast
and someone says he isn't coming
and my eyes break into a run

i can feel my pupils dilate
breathing in the light
and my head is swimming
from the lack of thought
and the reality is too thick to drive in
so maybe i should just go home

and 10

i can't tell you this
i'm not here for me
i'm here for you
anyway, i already tried
writing this poem
but i could never get the
words to sound right
and the lines were
too short to hold much

i can't go out there
the one i wanted
in the audience isn't there
maybe he forgot his ticket
maybe his invitation
was lost in the mail
but it doesn't matter
because the show wasn't
good enough anyhow

i can't sing this
my voice isn't strong enough
i always break up
on the third verse
and the chorus
is much too high
above my range
i can't fly there
with the pretty sopranos

i can't read this
and you can't prove
that i wrote this
the handwriting doesn't
look like mine
the letters are too small
and the slant is wrong
and the words are strong
and i can't see me in this at all

i can't be the one
in those eyes
that can't be my gaze
i tried looking in the
mirror but the surface
was too dirty to see
my reflection, or maybe
it's just my face
that needs to be cleaned

11 (why fucking not, it worked yesterday)

i slapped her thick little red cheeks
and pulled on her rich brown hair
and she wailed into the moonlight
and cried about how it was unfair

i pitched her body against the wall
skull breaking on the floor
and i marveled at the thoughts that rolled out
and laughed as i headed towards the door

and i broke his little arm in half
that skinny, white, pathetic thing
little boys and their little, frail bones
and they joy shattering them brings

i sold her out for ten cents change
and giggled as he touched her breast
she vomited up on the floor
and i helped him into her head

and i pulled at the tie around his neck
and tightened my grip on his shirt, pulling
the fabric down over his disgusting little ribs
covering up that shrunken squirrel under those clothes

and i'm looking
for a reason
to trust what's
outside my head
but the step ladder
you're offering for
me to stand on
doesn't look too
steady, and i don't
think that
it can support
my weight

and i'm looking
for a person
who'll understand
more than i do
who will see more
than i put forth
and wont turn away
at the sight
who will wander
into my bedroom
and wonder why
i'm up tonight

and i'm looking
for a sensation
that tells me
the power
is still on
inside, although
the lights are
all off, and even
their flickering has
decided to subside

and i'm looking
for an explanation
a small plague
in my art gallery
written by a
historian or maybe
just a man
detailing the
symbolism of the
paintings, the
materials used,
and the history
of the artist

and i'm looking
for a conclusion
somewhere inside
i've decided that
enough is enough
i don't think i can
keep up this pace
much longer, but
i don't see
the finish line
(god, or even the
striping on the road
anymore)
so, i guess i'll have
to keep doing

so i'm sitting here finger painting
and the colors are all mixing together
making a dark brown
blending into black
and she comes and critiques my work
and says "i don't think birds look like that"
so i add a little more yellow
and "accentuate the lines"
but i liked it better when it was blurred
so i think i'll just let it be for now

i asked her if she would talk to me
i needed to hear her voice
and she said i don't think i can do that
my words are too big for your ears

and i tried to understand what she was saying
and see her around what she was hiding behind
but she held herself together well before my eyes
and didn't allow anything to leak out

and she said she knew it didn't matter
that i didn't care anyway
and i wondered silently
how she could think that of me

and she ran quickly back to shelter
i guess it was raining too hard outside
but i know that sometimes she likes walking
in the downpour

and i'm rocking in the dark
my hands are wrapped
tightly around my knees
singing a silent lullaby
to the moon
and pretending that
i have a reason to be
here tonight

and i'm fading in
and out, like the tv
on my dresser
but he's still talking to me
i guess he didn't notice me leave
but then again
i don't think he ever
noticed that i was here

so they asked me,
"didn't you see this coming"
and i don't know what to say
i guess when she sped by me
my head was turned the wrong way

and sometimes i think that
someone installed my eyes wrong
weren't they supposed to be pointed out?
i don't remember which way i go anymore
maybe it's time i found out

and he left me standing in the rain
and this isn't the first time it's happened
and i know i'll let it happen again

he was going to pick me up
or so he said, or so i said
he was going to take me home

but he never came here
so i'm standing here alone
staring at the curb

and i've been hitchhiking for awhile
on other people's promises
along this broken road

only problem is i get lost sometimes
and some people take me in the wrong direction
and then i'm on my own again, two miles behind

and it didn't bother me when
i couldn't fool you anymore
what really shook my balance
and threatened my grip
was when i couldn't fool me

and he said he wanted to conquer the world
and i asked, so why are you going after me?
you want to rule over the earth
so why run your ship into the sea?

and i collected my small resources
against his army quickly moving in
and they pulled out their cannons
and i tried to pull myself out of the din

and he watched silently as i drowned in myself
the waves which were supposed to overwhelm him
and he sailed his ship smoothly over the waters
and i wondered why i hadn't thought of that

and they weren't watching
or maybe they just didn't care
because i was hiding
right in front of their face

maybe they weren't listening
because how could they not hear
i was whispering at the top of my lungs
right into their ears

maybe they didn't understand
but i thought i made it clear
i wrote in on my forehead
in my lousy chicken scrawl

maybe i wasn't really there
but it sure feels real
illusions are so comfortable, but
sometimes the computer graphics are awful

boys on the left side
girls on the right
dj in the middle
he can wait all night

and he asked her to dance
and she got some punch
and she chatted with her friends
and he eyed her from across the room

i'm sorry
i left you standing there
one hand in your pocket
the other picking at your boutenair
staring at the clock
looking out into the crowd
couples dancing round the floor
flirting round the punch bowls
while you waited near the door

one hand in her hand
the other on her ass
one biting her lip self-consciously
two tasting each other's tongues

and he asked her to his car
and she let him pour her a drink
and she whispered "is he looking?"
and he moved towards her

i'm sorry
i left you standing there
sitting in a dark corner
staring at your shoes
and the corsage in your hands
brushing back your hair
from out of your eyes
remembering how i told you
it looked better that way

the music alternates
first fast, then slow
and the dj spots a chaperone
standing all alone

and he asked her to the back seat
and she followed him onto the floor
and she spotted him looking at her
and he chickened out, and turned the other way

i'm sorry
i left you standing there
while i stood outside the gym
staring up at the moonlit sky
fiddling with the strap on my dress
staring at the spot on my wrist
where your flowers should have sat
letting the wind into my hair, thinking
that's where you're fingers would have been

and he dedicates this song for her
and she begins a silent blush
students utter a collective laugh
and then there is a hush

and he invites himself into her
and she rests her chin on his shoulder
and she winks as he blushes
and his friends urge him back

i'm sorry
i left you standing there
i know i should feel guilty
watching you through the window
and all the fun you aren't having
i kicked some dirt over my pump
and collapsed into the grass
opened the locket that you gave me
and stared at the pictures inside

now he play's her favorite "oldie"
and extends his hand out
beaming she accepts it
and let's him twist her old form about

and he smiles at his partner
and she wishes the music could play forever
and she chats with him silently behind a potted plant
and he ends up losing his nerve

i'm sorry
i left you standing there
but i couldn't go inside
so i left the locket in your car
and you left the corsage in the trash
stumbling to your transportation
desperate to get home
spotting the metal shimmering
in the flickering moonlight

and he walks her to his car
and offers her a ride
she steps a tender foot inside
and laughs just like a child

and he beams over his victory
and she holds him for just a second longer
and she drives home thinking of him
and he cries into his pillow

i'm sorry
i left you standing there
holding your heart on a string of gold
tearing the picture in half
and dropping the rest in the mud
i picked it up again though
watching you tear away
and sighed at the wreckage
of a happy memory

and 22

they wanted to come inside
but i didn't feel like opening the door
the house was a mess
and i didn't feel like cleaning
i only sweep it under the rug anyway
because the garbage men don't come anymore

they're trying to peer in through the window
too see if i am home
but i haven't washed the glass in ages and
it's hard to see through the dirt and dust
so they try jiggling the doorknob
and picking at the lock

i can hear them from where i'm sitting
looking for a way through the wall
and i think to myself, sadly,
if they really wanted to come in
instead of breaking through
why don't they just knock?

and they reached out
and i shunned their hands
what if i give it to them
and they drop it?

i can't trust them
with this, it's too much
for even me, so maybe
they should just let it be

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