| I sit here, staring at this black screen after the hell of the last few days and I wonder..."Has the last year of semi-stable sanity been just a dream? How could I freak out so badly? Why am I freaking out so badly?What is wrong with me?" I take my medication like I should, I see the shrink and my therapist regularly, I try to do everything I'm supposed to yet here it is, almost a year since I started and I find I'm right back where I was. I'm upset and crying at the drop of a hat. Nothing makes sense, nothing feels good or makes me feel better, no one seems to understand why I'm the way I am, or why I do or say the things I do. I try to be "all that I can be" but feel like it's such a waste of time. Guys tell me I'm beautifull, but when I look in the mirror all I see is ugliness. Friends tell me I'm strong, but I cry so much cause I'm so scared everything is going to fall on me and I won't be able to dig myself back out because I'm so weak. Friends tell me to get rid of the negative attitude and be more positive, but the negativity is just a reflection of how I really am, less than zero. What has really changed in the past year? Nothing, I've gotten rid of some stress but added on others, I couldn't sleep then, I can't sleep now. I cried all the time then, I cry all the time now. I felt so worthless then, I feel so worthless now. Most people don't notice and I try not to say anything that will draw attention to it but this is the truth..... I hate myself. I don't understand how I can spend so much time with other people and they not hate me too. I love lots of people in different ways, but can't find the strength or reason to love myself . My suicidal thoughts aren't because I don't want to live or because I really want to die. They are because I don't think a person like me should be alive to make others miserable. Even when they laugh and it seems they enjoy my company, I feel like deep down they wish I'd leave them alone.... I hate myself. I hate myself for being too weak to stand up for my rights when others trample on them, I hate myself for putting up with abusive men who only want to use me for sex, I hate myself for not being able to control my temper and yelling at those around me, I hate myself for not being able to feel how much others care about me, I hate myself for being ugly, wearing glasses, knowing more than those I live with, for doing for others while they do nothing for me, I hate myself for loving the wrong people at the wrong time in my life, I hate myself for not telling those that I do love just how much they mean to me, I hate the way I act when I'm sober, I hate the way I act when I'm drunk, I hate how I look, how I talk , walk, breathe.....I hate everything about me....and it gets worse day by day. i hate myself.... |
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