| Open letter to someone I love. I can't stand to talk to you sometimes. You make me so angry, with the way you just stand there looking at me like a deer in headlights. You never tell me what you are really think, or at least I don't think you do. You want to talk about what all is going on in your life, trying to put a positive spin on everything, but I know better than to believe most of what you say. I try not to get caught up in one-upmanship with you, but I can't help it. You always have more, or have done more, or are doing more than I am. It's so frustrating to watch you do that over and over. You make me just want to yell at you, but I don't. I act like nothing is wrong, hell I even smile at you and I never smile. I say and do anything I can to keep you from knowing what I'm really thinking, just like you do me. I just wish I could fool myself as easily as I fool you, but then, you want to be fooled. You want to think that everything is ok with me, so you don't have to feel bad about how everything is. Then you don't have to look at the hell my life has become, and you don't have to accept any responsibility for it. Yes I brought most of it on myself, but you aren't exactly an innocent witness in that, and you know it. I go to see you because I miss you, but I can usually come up with a decent excuse other than that for my visit, I need to know this, or I need to pick up that. I don't want you to know that sometimes I need to see you so bad that it's hurt my chest. I don't want you to know that sometimes, when no one is home I sit and look at your picture and cry because I miss you so much. I don't want you to know just how much I still love you, even though we are apart, even though we drive each other crazy, even though we hurt each other so much. I don't want you to know because I don't know how you feel. I don't know if you miss me, I don't know if you think about me as much as I think about you. I don't know if you have any feelings for me left after all the fighting and heartache we have put each other thru. I don't ask because I can't trust what you say, but that doesn't change how I feel. I've lied and said that it doesn't matter anymore. I've lied and said I didn't love you. I've said I'm happier now that you aren't here, and sometimes that's true, like when I think about how you lied to me, and lead me on and all the bullshit, and sometimes it's a lie, like when I'm laying in bed and wish so much you were there to hold me, and kiss me before you fall asleep. I sometimes think that my feelings for you will drive me crazy, keeping them inside and not talking about them to anyone, because no one understands how I can still love you so deeply when you hurt me so much, but I know that I hurt you too and I guess that's why I can and do still love you, because you have hurt as much as me. It doesn't change anything though. I'll still try to forget I knew you even though I know I can't. I'll still try to avoid you since seeing you smile breaks my heart. I'll still keep my feelings to myself and deny to everyone that there is more there than I say there is. I'll still cry when I'm alone in the middle of the night and thinking about you, and I'll still get up in the morning and go on with my life. |