| Love Sucks |
| I have the absolute worst taste in men, for example, the type of guy that usually attracts me is short, dark, looks like he can't hold a job and is probably a drug addict. It's a family joke that if the guy is absolutely wrong for me then I'm sure to fall for them, and if they are exactly what I'm looking for, smart, funny, reasonably attractive and working then of course I have no intrest in them. Up till I met KN I was pretty sure that the perfect guy for me just didn't exist. Now two years later I'm sure of it. I've spent the last two years in an open relationship with KN, he helped me to grow as a person, he was always there for me when I needed him and he understood me. Since I have chronic depression it's rare that I meet someone whom I can both get along with and actually enjoy being around but that was KN. Now we are no longer together and it sucks big time. This is the first relationship in my life that has ended without a big fight, because of abuse, or because of another person. I discovered tonight that it's a lot easier to get over a break-up when you are pissed at the person you are breaking up with. Then you can just be mad, curse a little and feel better that the "asshole/bitch" is no longer in your life. Been there done that bought the goddamn soundtrack. It would be easier to deal with if I could just be mad and hatefull, but I'm not. We are no longer seeing each other because he needs to be alone right now (long long story and I'm not writing it all down) and as much as I would like to still see him, I don't want to so much that I make him miserable. Regardless of what some people think I'm not the complete bitch I'm reputed to be. So now it's over. I didn't realize the last time I spent the night with him that it would be the last night otherwise I'd have gotten some serious cuddle time in. KN's shoulders have this one spot that my head rests just right in, and when he holds me no matter what is going on or how bad things may be, I always felt safe, comforted, loved, and now I sit and know I won't have that again with him. I think about how much I already miss his smile, the way he throws his head back and laughs when somethings strikes him as funny. I think about how his hands are callused and rough from work but how warm they always were when we held hands. I miss how he said "Hey beautifull" when I'd come over to see him. I miss everythng. There just aren't any really bad times to concentrate on so I won't remember how good it felt to be with him, and now it's over. He says it's not my fault, but I know in some way it is. I always fuck the best things I have up, always have, probably always will, and even if it's really not, I should have known better than to fall in love with anyone, it always ends badly. At least I don't hate him, or him me, but what do I do now? Run like hell the next time I start to feel more than just friendship for someone really great because I don't want to feel like this again? Or do I just say the hell with it and risk my heart over and over and probably wind up with another asshole like the one I just divorced? Men should come with warning labels and love just sucks. |