I've never cried
Like I cry as of late.
I've never slept
Like I don't sleep as of late.
I've never been so confused or lost or hurt
And it's because of Love.

I've can't find the comfort
Jack Daniels used to offer.
I can't feel the joy
The setting sun bestowed.
I can't find the way
To find my way alone.

I don't know what to want now
I don't know how to act
Or think
Or Breathe.
I don't care for right or wrong
Or meanings in how it's unfolded.
I'd take everything back and try it all again if i even could...
If i didn't think it would still play out the same...some day.

I curse myself and my actions,
My words, thoughts, omissions,
Like it was the catalyst to the end.
I hurt myself to distract my soul from the pain
That i selfishly caused her.
But Reality is most likely that reality didn't support us.
Thinking this is no help.

I questioned whether i ever loved her,
And decided i could not have with
Who i was and how i played my hand...
But now i think i was rationalizing,
Piecing together a path to follow
Through this lion's den of failure.

I still love her like i first thought I did.
I still live for a word, a touch, a thought.
I still yearn for a smile, a kiss,
A warm enevloping within her soul.
But i have to let her find her own way.

I find my tortured self in purgatory,
I cannot give her a map back to me,
I cannot see her wherabouts.
I do not even know the length of her road
Or when she expects to complete it.
I'm not even sure which side of the mountain she will come to.

Some days I find myself living
In a satisfactory fashion.
Other days i begin and end with tears.
Some memories make me smile.
Some make me cringe.
Still others make me cringe because of the smile...
Realizing what is lost.

The worst pain possible
Is that borne of hope.
Even when all hope should be lost,
When all reality and truth and facts
Deny the dream...hope remains
And my hope cuts me
Leaving me hanging onto to life
Just so.
Existing in utter agony.
Praying for death so that I might live again.