I'm talking with Meri via ICQ right now...A combination of that and my discussions with Dan and my delving into old entries has me pondering myself and my own life. I can't seem to find the fire and passion I used to have for the world's problems and my own neurosis. I sit here and type the same, boring, wandering, this is what I did today garbage I always used to abhor in other people's journals. Life is i guess just too normalized for me now. I don;t seem to think the saem way, nor think nearly as much. When I was in college I used to imagine how great a teacher I could be because I was alwasy thinking about this or that, or ways to tie things together. Now I never do that. No I spend hours doing nothing, contemplating my navel or something...I never read anymore..I haven't picked Les Mis up in a couple months. I'm too sated I guess, too satisfied with the way things are. Maybe I should start whining about being lonely again...but those pings haven't set in yet. Sure, it seems each and every day I lose one day of bliss in another's arms...but that understanding I yeaned for in the embrace seems so less necessary now. I hae ever been able to meet women in my life, not out on my own...every near miss in my life I;ve made contact through school, or work, or somewhere I had to be for some other reason. I've never gotten a phone number from a bar or club, never met someone on the road that lived nearby. I just can;t seem to find the nerve to do that...I;ve alwasy wanted to just sort of _slide_ into a relationship, not begun one with an abrupt introduction or pickup line...I've alwasy just felt it would make it easierto begin something with someone I knew stuff about already, someone I already good along with...someone I *knew* i was compatable with...
It hurts me, a lot, that I'm so dull when it comes to subtle indicators from women...still looking back, to this day I shold have tried to sweep Allisandra up into my arms...I liked her, a lot, and it pains me that I just stood there and let myself walk away from her. To this day and probably forevermore I will wonder if htere could have been something there. That's one question I will never have an answer for. I hate speculating on the past, but reading about it and thinking about it just makes me go arrggghhhh....
and Meri's been picking out a lot about myself (and these neurosis that I'm pondering) from those old entries. She's most certainly a bright women. She's pointed out the whole "'she' may already be in your life, you just don;t know it yet" idea that never really occured to me. I guess it's never occurred becasue all the women I've seen as compatable are no longer within grasp. Maybe Becca was the one, maybe, as I often ponder and curse when thinking this issue through, maybe Christa was the one. Sometimes even Amy or Allisandra or on super rare occasions I think of April. All these names, all these faces, and I have a serious, somber story for each...despite the near complete lack of relationships I've had with them all. She reinforced my thoughts that it will probably be an older woman. I have trouble imagining it but to *everyone* i have ever met since High School has thought me much older than I really am...my maturity level far exceeds my actual age it seems. I can live with that...oftimes it's a matter of pride actually, but i guess at the same time, it makes me seem stodgy and "non-fun"...
What is strange is my mind set right now. These kind of thoughts used to be accompanied with somber thoughts of solitude or lonliness. Right now though neither...just seems like balancing my checkbook...aimless wonderign about my life. Thoughts like this no longer seem to distress me I suppose it's because they've all been thought through so many times at this point it's nearly all just rehashing...Also, right now, my life has changed drastically. Everything is still new and exciting. My life now has gone in directions I never in a tousand years would have dreamed. I'm still settling into myself, and I'm becoming more and more at peace with myself. I don't feel lonely now, not with so much fresh stuff on my mind, but I really think once it all wears off and it's just my life again, lonliness is gonna sink in, and it's gonna be a drag...
God I just always fell like I'm rambling aimlessly, running circles and circles and circles again everytime I think about this topic. Some people just weren't ever meant to find their soulmate. Some people had their chance and blew it, or it didn't work out or SOMETHING just fucking HAPPENED!
grrr...whatever.
Mrs Right, if you're reading...if yer willing to travel if need be, I don't know...just get here before everything starts to get bad again, please...
By now, the movie Singles should be like my anthom. That part where the one women says, "I wanted someone kind and caring, someone to make me laugh, someone to etc. etc....and someone who said bless you when I sneezed" and then says 'now I'm just lookign for someone who says bless you." I so feel that is me. I see it getting to the point where I'm so sick of being single nearly anyone walking by will be my dream woman. Maybe that's how thigns happen, people lower their standards to the point of gravel and *boom* in that perfect match comes...i dunno.
I just got the sickest thought. What if Meri was someone pretending to be someone else...I trust her implicitly, but what if she was someone a)from the states and just like me wondering where "he" is...But I really doubt that...I have such trust in her that I couldn't possibly imagine why she'd lie about everything. But I guess maybe it's hope searching for a way?