03.02.99
BDU Trousers (washed out the starch so they'd tale 'em) & class A shoes - "lowquarters"...Got back, took a shower, masturbated, & went to class...
Becca messed me over for a life. Even here, I think of her every time I masturbate, unbiddne she floats into my head. Maybe when I actually meet a woman and finally have sex, she'll be exorcised...or will my life be forever haunted by her & Chris. Distance, I've learned, may mask pain & may heal wounds, but memories are undisturbed, good and ill.
37 days left untill graduation, including today, and that fact has me flying. Every day is a step out of IET/SIT status...it will be six months once I'm done, six montsh since I put my life on hold, my college on hold. Sometimes I think I made a horrific decision coming here, becoming what I've become. I am no longer a pacifist or optimist, and the military is the contributing factor behind that shift (although I never was truly an optimist...) Yet, every time that thought flows in, I ponder what exactly I had going for me as a civilian...and the answer is nothing -- lacking initiative, my life was going nowhere. lacking restraint, it was spiraling out of control. lacking a reason/focus/will to live, it quite nearly ended. Here I make restitution. Here at last I am aiding something greater than myself -- protecting my nation, but more importantly, my family, my friends -- Amy, Christa, Sarah, Ed, Greg, and that woman I doubt I'll ever find.
I should write Amy a letter. Now that I have an address, I have no excuse. I've burned too many bridges in my life -- now it's time to mend a few.