I over-intellectualize. I am unbalanced. I need to grow
up. Some things are better left private. Throwing everything away and becoming
a bum doesn't teach you about life, it teaches you how to be a bum. I am
inconsistent. Music is not *a* life, it is merely a *part* of life. I am
not unique.
All this from my father.
Quite an interesting discussion we had on Friday. I agree completely with some things he said. I disagree completely with some things he said. I learned how easily influenced people are by words.
Maybe this surprises him, that it took me this long to
write this entry about our talk. I know he's been here since we talked,
but before today. It isn't that I didn't bother writing anything, I just
haven't had time.
Our discussion didn't make me consider stopping this
journal. It did make me think about being a bit more carefull with style
and content however.
I've discussed music a lot in this journal. I've stated that "music is my life". Well, this is one of those bits that influenced false thoughts. Knowing me in real life, then reading this journal...I guess that makes it easier to believe everything as the be all and end all of my thought--well, it isn't. This is a life in progress, and this journal is a work in progress. Thoughts come out when they arise, and as they develop they are referenced, "footnoted" and locked away from future use in this journal. These thoughts are sometimes "over the top" and unrealistic. Sometimes I say I am things I am not. Sometimes I deny being things I am. I am human--I do these things. I *know* there is more to life than music. I *know* it would be great o be in more intimate relationships, a girlfriend/wife/lover call it as you will. I also know that while I piss and moan and type up long, eloquent, passionate and "over-intellectualized" bits about ove and my life, there are aspects I am fairly sure of. Right now, I'm not actively seekin out a soulmate. Why I piss and moan abotu not having one is because I'm human, I'm inconsistent, and sometimes I feel alone, as all humans are want to do. Sometimes I'm happy single, sometimes I'm depressed as all hell I'm single. It's all cyclical, just like life.
Now, being unbalanced, I agree. Parts of my life are all helter-skelter. Maybe I do "over intellectualize" a few issues, maybe I *am* "not unique". So what-it's my life. If I want to ponder my navel lint for five weeks, it's my right. So what if it is meaningless to others. I didn't put this journal online just to please other people. It's online because I thought it would be fun for *me*, and interesting to see what kind of reaction I could get from other people about my life or what I have to say. Most importantly though, it's here for me. That's why I don't care about always making sense, or being inconsistent, or "over-intellectualizing". If I lose readers, so what. If I alienate people, so what. If I anger people, so what, So what, so what, so what. Criticism is nice, and I am always happy to please a reader or a friend IRL for that matter, if I can do so without serious trauma. But then again, the more that the aid is needed, the further I can go out of my way to provide it. I am not a cold, heartless Mo-Fo as been suggested. I have feelings, I have dreams, I have scruples. I have an inconsistent value system, I don't deny that. I don't have the right to say some thigns I have said, or do some thigns I have done, so what? I've been hypocritical, judging the world harshly, even thought I have done the very thing I cry out against. I've never tried to defend my hypocrisy. I have pointed it out on numerous occasions. I have asked myself just how full of shit I am often times as well. I don't pretend to be a role model.
I need to grow up. Well, in some respects, yes, I *do* need to grow up. I have some rather childlike views on some things. I'm selfish sometimes. I've induced ignorance on certain issues, and tried not to implicate myself in other things--I have shirked responsibility right and left I admit it. I have done wrong. I don't really have anything more to say there.
I am unique. Well, in some respects I am, in some, no. In some respects, I am in the minority where perhaps I had kidded myself that I was unique...whatever. (Some person's person indicated in jets that use of the word "whatever" makes one a cool, 90's gen Xer...I don't really understand why though...) Great. I'm all for meeting other people like me, other people with my same views/faults/etc. I love to interact with all kinds of people. Now, whether my thinking I'm unique is because I'm too sheltered or because I am just a bit unique, I couldn't say. I don't think I'm average ordinary everyday Joe. Maybe I'm wrong there--maybe I'm just as ordinary as the next person--maybe I should just say fuck it all because there is no escaping normalacy. I dunno.
Getting back to the issue that "some thigns are better left private"...I touched on this in the "so what" section earlier. Does it matter to me what results from your reading this journal--well, somewhat I suppose. I hope you read somethign that makes you think. I would hope you like somethign you read and come back to read more. However, that does not keep me from writing what I want to write because of what one might think of it. I *do not* belive ome things are better left private. If I want to write it, I'll write it. If I want to keep it private, then I'll keep it private. I don't see a preordained list of things i can't write about--that's what I call censorship. If there is *anything* I shoudl feel free to speak freely in, it's this journal. It's *mine*. Maybe I can't walk dow nhe street waving my dick about and screaming obsceneties, but here, if I like, I can do things akin to that. If peopel like it, great, if not, well, go away. I'm not *forcing* you to be here. If there is somethign here you feel obligated to read, then read, but don't complain about the content--if the format bothers you, like there aren't enough breaks or "p" markings, go ahead and say so. If you'd like me to clarify something, say so. If you'd like me to try a different background or archiving system or HTML issues--go ahead. But *do* not tell me I can't write about masturbation or crime or politics or literature or the bible or satan or "whatever". This is *my* forum. If you don't like something, sorry. If you want to tell me you don't *like* something, feel free. That is completely different than trying to force me to change. Maybe I'll see sense in what you have to say, maybe I'll agree, and maybe I'll try to change in that case--but the second you try to ram somethign down my throat is the second I dig my heels in. This is *my* forum, not yours.
No live show tonight as I write.
I've been getting a lot of mail from Ed McMahon and friends lately. Kinda makes me think I could actually win something someday, even though I've never won a lottery or raffle or some such game of chance *ever*. OK, I made four dollars on a CA scratcher once, but that was the best...
Now, what kind of excitement did today bring? None. I did laundry, mailed a couple of packages, and did homework.
I was thinking earlier today, how neat it would be to have an eight track. Not an eight track recorder, which is what I'd think when anyone else said eight track, but an actual, straight from the 60's eight track cassette player. I mean, let's see, I've got type I tapes, type II tapes, Metal tapes, DAT tapes, CD's, vinyl albums...need to throw in an eight track for good measure--what about a reel to reel? Heh Heh--there's an idea for a job, make an audio device museum, charge admission to my bedroom...course, I dont have a CDR, or minidisc, or midi, soundcard, record lathe, DCC, Hi-fi VCR, bunch of stuff. Oh well. It's been a boring musing anyway.
Liz and I were discussing xmas break. She asked me if I was still going to look for a job over break. She told me her employers are good friends with a couple who own a posh resteraunt in Eureka, who need a dishwasher. Oh yeah, what a wonderful job. But then, jobs here are scarce, and all Liz has to do, I gathered, was put in a good word and the job's mine--two to three nights a week, probably minimum wage. Better than nothing I suppose. Definately not something I'm going to school for, but if I can't find anything else... Drudgery.
I started today's entry because I haven't been writing much lately. I didn't want to get into a habit of updating once or twice a week. Unfortunetly, I really have nothing to write about. HOWEVER, my gramer, punctuation, and spelling has been atrocious, even embarrassing. I'm trying to improve that. Presenting my thoughts in subpar English is not very conducive to anyone's benefit. Gives me bad habits. I swear, that "ign" typo (instead of "ing") is really getting on my nerves. I need to really concetrate on working that one out. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going dyslexic!
Lately I've been noticing this slight clicking sound when I sit at my desk. It sounds like wires knocking against my dresser drawer, but everytime I look at all those wires running from my stereo behind it, I see nothing. I check this wire, I check that wire, I try to reproduce the sound--nothing. I swear, It's driving me apeshit. Damnit, there it goes again...here and there, a few seconds at a time. Crazy! To hell with it, I'm just gonna go to sleep now.
Hey, guess what exciting event today brought? Yeah, I bought a new pencil! Oh yeah, ain't that grand? Spent five minutes looking through mechanical pencils because I realized all the lead I have stockpiled is 0.7mm but all my pencils (well, my *one* pencil) is 0.5mm.
Bored yet?
I hate having to turn people away when they email me about trading shows...I just have to cut back on spending there so I can afford Maui. Especially since I decided I'm going to get my brother in law some Scorpion shows for Xmas...means I need to use some of few blank DAT's I have left for him...In fact, I need to turn Radiohead off pretty soon and start on a clone for one of those trades for him...
Bored yet?
I haven't been paying as much attention lately. I did, however, see the beautifull after effects of this morning's sunrise--seeing the frothy white clouds stained hearthfire orange by the sun, still hidden behind the hilly redwood forest...gorgeous...tried to write a poem about it in poetry class tonight--didn't turn out so great.
I haven't been able to write decent shit lately. I'm going through another phase of writer's block. In a way though, it's good. It seems as if every time I go through these blocks, I come back writing better material. Not say it's all that great now, but it's certainly better than it used to be...I used to think I would eventually become a great and world reknowned writer, at the least a meritable writer. Well, it's starting to be born in me, more and more, that that may just plain never happen--probably won't happen. I look at my work, and it's *plain*. There's no real great images happening, no cool word plays or structures or messages or whatever--whatever goes into making great poetry. I look at some stuff and wonder how I thought it was good once.
Of course, I go through these same thoughts every time I get this block. Maybe it's just another cycle: write poetry, get gradually better, run out of ideas, stop writing, go into writers block, question the work, debating whether to continue or not, eventually continually, write poety, get gradually better....etc. It makes sesnse, and it's simple--the two main requirements for all good theories. Completely uninsightfull though. I think a 5 year old could have said what I just said.
Another obligitory mention of a "fan" who sent me email...Darcie. She ran into this journal by doing a random journal function on Open Pages. She liked what I had to say--that it mirrored many of her own thoughts, particually 11.10.97. Seems a nice person. You can visit her journal by going *Here*
I need to tidy my room.
Jeesh. Here I am, with a confirmed new reader, and nothing note worthy to write. Go figure.
There is a pack of cigarettes to my left right now. I caved in and bought a pack in Willits on my drive back from vacation. At least the pack is still almost full. Nrrdboy wrote in his journal a few days ago that he wanted to bgo from "a smoker to a non-smoker who smokes occasionally." That's what I am now, an occasional smoker...la de da.
I'm role playing tonight. I've missed the last two gaming sessions. The first time was to see Suicidal Tendencies, and the next time to see Pearl Jam.
Yes, I *did* tidy my room last night.
OK, so here's the truth of tonights entry--I'm killing time until I'm done cloning this DAT. It's for the other Scorpions DAT I'm trading for.
And, I'm sorry Eddie, but Neil Young turned 5*2* that night, *not* 51...sheesh!
I had tuna fish sandwhiches for diner (and for lunch for that matter) today. Haven't made it to Safeway to get groceries...
HEY, (with the milk) I got all the four food groups in (if you count pickle relish as a vegetable...)
My roomate doesn't drink milk. I tell her she'll get osteoporosis when she's older, but she still doesn't drink milk. Me, I go through at least a gallon a week. Yes, I love milk.
Some people drink Mountain Dew, some people drink lemonade, me, I drink Milk.
OK so I drink rum and coke and tequela and coffee and tea and such too, but I really really like Milk, ok?
I think that's about as much talk I can make about milk for now. My tea's ready.
"I admit it, without shame, I'll relive it, without pain."
I just read Darcie's journal entry for today...1204.htmlVery interesting.
It seems to be that someone is going through nearly exactly what I have been going through--and thinks along many of the same lines *i* think...at least as far as music/love...role in life...Her mother apparently just found *her* journal, and confronted her via email--quite nasty. My dad didn't *quite* that bad...
The whole thign with the parallels, is, honestly, making me edgy. What are the chances she would find my journal, and just days after I had my confrontation with my dad--she had one with her mother...I feel paranoid.
I mean, there have been people lately admitting to writing faux journals--fake people with issues written about like a real person, in a journal---much like a impersonator is a nasty way to think...I know Gus was doing those, and a couple other people. This girl darcie hasn't been journaling long--I'd never seen her site, and I thought I tried *most* of those...Maybe it's someone trying to play off my journal? Paranoid. very.
And it's terrible to see it that way, too, do you see? Why can't I just accept it that this is another person in straits like mine...I can't email her directly and say these things. If she reads it (and probably will since she just started reading this...)she'll see...I state it her for her like it was stated and open for my father to read. Whatever. Hope you're not terribly offended, it's not *you* per se, but *me*. I'm probably just too paranoid.
I mean, really, I should try to console her with fellow misery and empathy; yet I think it's a joke (Hah-two independent clauses--that is proper grammatical use of a semi colon, two fully independently clauses--to check it, I could place a period there in stead, and it would still make sense...Jeesh, thinking grammer usage there sure seems to demean the idea, doesn't it. What's more important, spouting off about my knowledge of writing, or getting down what I need to write about the subject...This here, was overintellectualizing of a different sort!
I've been considering Maui lately--as in, considering *not* going. It's at mimimum $365 plane + say $40 for food, $40 for room at hostel, $30 or $60 (assuming a second show...) for tickets, gas to get to san fran area ($20 there and back!) *Sigh* Definately need to get a job or no go, that's a given.
Ran into Frank's girfriend ELizabeth at Steve and Greg's place while gaming--told her I had the catalyst tape and wanted to get a copy to Frank. Well, Frank came over later for other reasons anyway, so I told him I'd make him the tape...the one I'm making now is for him...got his phone number, yet left it at Greg's--they're having a party tomorrow, and I might *have* to go to get the phone number (course, Frank might be there ofor the party himself, so...) Oh yeah, that secret should be fruitfull soon...!!
Well, that's enough. It's late, and I have probability to look at. Brit lit is at 10AM, seven hours--meaning six hous of sleep time. That doesn't give too much time to work on the probability though...thought abotu an all nighter...I could fill the cat DAT I made earlier, work on prob...
No more journal entry tonight...try to get some sleep
later, after working.
I wanted to write an entry last night, I *really* did, but I couldn't. I was too drunk. My car is at my friends house right now because the party died out quicker than I had thought it would, and I was nowhere near sober enough to drive. I thought the walk would be good. It's only about a mile or two, and Arcata is a relatively safe place, even at midnight...no worries mate. I actually made it home without puking again.
I went to this party because I needed to unwind. I had spent seven hours in front of a computer working on a project for probability class...not my idea of fun. That shot my whole day out of the water...seven hours in addition to the three I'd already spent--in the middle of now, two weeks b4 finals...
I shouldn't *really* complain. Ten hours is *nothing* for a normal engineering project, but it was a weekly deal--evey week, so and so in the class would do this project, well, this was my week. great.
The part was a blast, drank a little bit too much too fast, then everyone starting leaving--the neighbors got mad about the noise...
I need to go get my car this weekend--proably tommorrow I suppose. I'm too tired right now--just spent another six hours on *another* engineering group project. Will spend more tommorrow...ah ya da. Too much school stuff. I hate crunch time.
I need to do my weekly cleaning of the apartment too--today or tommorrow. Jeesh.
So anyway, there I was last night...cup of water at my side, bag of white bread at my foot, thumb in _Sirens of Titan_ by Vonnegut...I always tend to reread Vonnegut when I'm drunk and trying to sober up enough to go to sleep (burn it off so I don't wake up with a hang over...). Elizabeth's boyfriend called at about 2AM, and since I wasn't too completely still, I musta sounded like I just woke up...he needed Liz to come give him a ride home--he was drunk too. He was closer to home than *I* was and he couldn't walk. Pussy.
Oh yeah, I gave Frank that tape of the PJ show at the party. His eyes were just a fire--it was glorious. Hope he enjoys it.
Yes, I'm making another tape right now-this time for blanks and postage. I get a couple free blanks outta the deal. I get two blank analogs, the other guy gets four filled tapes with the recent PJ shows (i'm getting two of the other PJ opening gigs from the oakland stones show too!--any day now!) Also expecting some *super special* and incredibly awesome PJ stuff any day now...Just think traffic sign. ;)
btw, if some old entries seem to be missing backgrounds now, it's because I just removed a few background image files. I'm almost out of space on my web server, and don't have time to go fooling around with setting something else up--I just now I'd end up spending way too mus time tinkering around when I have other things I need to do.
Nrrboy hasn't updated in two days. I'm annoyed at that. I've read all of Darcie's entried so far--she doesn't normally updae daily it seems, and she hasn't updated for two days now either. What is it, some kind of conspiracy thing or something? Well: "People down on the streets, they don't know who I am I watch them from my room, they are just passing by But I'm not just anyone, I'm not just anyone Got my time machine, got my 'lectronic dream, Sonic Reducer, Sonic Reducer" PJ (covering the Dead Boys)
"Troubled Souls Unite! We got ourselves tonight." PJ But the two journals I checked don't seem to be there tonight...
Ok, that was a really bad funny. Shoot me, kill me, fuck
me, eat me, I donna care.
"Drop the leash, get outta my fucking face." PJ
"Delight, delight, delight, in our youth..."PJ
Now I gotta jet and work on school work.
Good morning, er, afternoon (it's 12:45 PM as I write this. I think I'm coming down with a minor case of mono...I could easily sleep *way* to much. I swear, once finals are over, I'm gonna take a day off from the world, and stay in bed as long as I can. Should probably be all day long...)
I had a dream about Maui between 9AM and 12PM this morning--after I turned off the alarm clock, realized, screw this, it's sunday...and went back to sleep. It was an odd dream. For some strange reason, I had to take an earlier flight--leaving monday or tuesday instead of friday b4 the shows. It was some really important reason, but I don't remember what--needless to say, I was concerned abou an entire week of class, but knew that I had to go early, and I was *not* coming back until after the shows... I found a hotel (i didn't think it was the hostel, but turns out it was (or the price was just the same...) checked in...memory fuzzy on exactly what happened next. Bottom line is thus--my MOM was there. She seemed to be there on business or something (odd, it's my dad who usually travels for business...) She wasn't too surprised to see me, even gave me a ride around the island for a bit...we drove through some city (can't recall which--busy city) and drove by this tiny little music club. There was a mass of people outside, and I could have sworn it said "Pearl Jam Dec 5 and 6" on the showbill...I was like MOM, we gotta stop now! You gotta let me out!! (so I guess the date was dec something, and *not* feb...odd dream) But she just drove by without really hearing. We drove by and I saw the bill said something "sailors"."Horny sailors" mayhaps? Didn't really see it too well in the dream...It *did* not say PJ, so I assumed it was an assumed name...
SO my mom and I are driving around, and we get into a little bit of traffic-seems all these people are going to this same place, an isolated freeway leading to some factory or something...steep as grade to get in, like 45 degree angle. I was concerned mom's rental car ( which looked *a lot* like mom's real life 85 thunderbird....) wouldn't have enough torque to make it, and we'd come crashing back down...but we made it up. My mom parked and then I faded out or something...went back to the hotel room. I watched people in the park across the street practicing martial arts or something. Obviously, in real life I wouldn't have heard there mutterings between each other, but in the dream, I did. They needed another partner I guess. So then, the dream flashes to me, doing moves on one of those wooden practice dummies...the ones with no head or anything,,essentially a long wood pole with other poles sticking out perpindicular to it, like several arms...I of course, don't know martial arts IRL.
Then, after that, I vaguely recall running into Barb somehow,
but I can't recall anything about it.
That's all I remember...
So it was an odd dream, and I think it meant something...but
I don't want to sit here and fiure it all out. I've got my ideas...relationship
with me mom compared to how she sees me and how my dad sees me. My over
consuming lust for music and PJ in particular, reasons against Maui...
Hopefully you caught the sarcasm.
On a more serious note, I hate pens for the most part. Whenever you mess up, ou're screwed...white out is just a pain in the ass, and never looks right anyway. eraseable pens don't write well, and it takes 1/2 the paper away to erase anyway. I like a good mechanical pencil, Mars plastic erase, a some notepaper--that's me and note taking, engineering problem working. Writing, I'm all over the keyboard--I can't stand pen *or* pencil. My take is this--If it's any good, it'll go into the computer anyway to preserve it,, or then to print it out, so why bother with hard copies...sort of a strange contrast I guess. The point is though, permancy. A pencil you can erase, a computer pixel you can delete--toss it away and leave it for dust--no marring the surface forever. Once something is marked with a pen, it's there for good.
It's a lot like my life in some way--afraid of permancy. Is it a fear of stagnation, or simply a fear of being "stable". Is my conscious decision to use pencil a physical manifestation of my fear of relationships? Hah. That's something for a shrink to debate, not me. It's overintellectualizing to connect the two like that.
So now I'm done with Thermodynamics for the night--no
eraser. That's why I'm writing again. Of course, the second I write that
last sentence, my mind blanks on *what* to write. I'd go get my car instead,
but it's rainy, cold, dark, and icky outside right now. I wonder what Greg
and Steve and them think abou my car sitting there in front of their house.
I essentially just got home from school. After 7.5 in class, I had another 3.5 doing project work. Dontcha just love crunch time?
Tommorrow I have a lot to do. Get my car, finish my thermo lab, work on the same project I spent tonight working on. At least the fluids homework isn't due until friday...and the thermo homework doesn't need to be turned in...yada yada yada. I'm even boring myself with this bemoaning of school...
Got a couple new DAT's today. One of those Scorpions and two of the PJ Oakland gigs I missed...Good thing too. I was browsing my collection last night and realized I hadn't gotten new material for a couple weeks already...I needed new tunes!
This second show (i got 11.15 and 11.19) sounds *a lot* better...the taper falsely reported quality on the first show he gave me--***way*** too much extraneous crowd noise...ah well. I hope the Scorpions dat is good enough to give Ron a copy for xmas...
hi dad
He He, I found out today that Mudhoney will be opening for PJ in Maui. Mudhoney is a key band in the past development of the "seattle sound"...I've never seen 'em live so this will be a real treat. I was hoping the opening band would be worth seeing, let alone worth taping...
I was pondering this the other day...there are numerous DAT sources for the PJ show in Santa Cruz--a few better sounding than mine probably. At first, I wanted one of them, but now I've decided my master sounds more than good enough for me...besides, it means more to me to listen to my own tape, even if it *isn't* perfect, than to hear someone else's night. That's what the tape is, a snapshot of life. I tape to celebrate *my* life, more than anyone elses...
Rain Rain Rain Rain
It's been rather chilly here in Arcata lately.
I found the eraser that I'd already replaced. Yeah, now I have two...
Stop smoking so much nrrdboy--You can Do it!
Keep writing Darcie--don't let 'em tear you down. Hope things are well with Marc :)
Let's see, Amanda, you still here? Hope all is well. BW?, Renee? ditto.
If I missed you, feel free to call me on it. I don't even know how many regular readers I have so...
I must say no more. I have already said more than I should.
In other exciting news bits, I have no other exciting news bits. I spent today, er, yesterday (see, told ya!) getting my car, grocery shopping, cleaning the bathroom, thermodynamics, dinner, than that damn fluid mechanics semester project again until 11:30. The same fucking one I spent last night on, and the night before that and I don't even remember how much b4 than...Hopefully we finish tommorrow. I plan on playing D & D Thursday night.
Along the lines of D & D, I was thinking how much fun it would be to write _The Engineers Dungeon and Dragons Problem Book_ I could do a chapter on various gaming systems..car wars (anyone remember that one?), classic D & D, cyperpunk (kinda hard for that one tho...), and others whose names I forget now...I could get really into it, researching all kinds of obscure systems 'n' such. Give other D & D enginers a *fun* set of fluids/dynamics/mechanics problems to help them learn their stuff...bending and sheering forces on a sword caught in the ribs of a draconian, force of an arrow in flight, boundary layer seperation on a body being keelahuled by pirates, time to ford a stream given that Mermen are pursueing--will the baddies get the PC's? Things like that. I could really see myself getting elaborate. Hell, who knows, maybe even print up copies and distribute them to friends or something...maybe publish? I'm rather sure it's an original enough idea...
I got mail from my "favoritest...extraordinariast, most humble cousin" today, Carol. The one who's wedding happened to perfectly coincide with Sheryl Crow...I wonder if she planned it that way just for me ;) Anyway, that was quite a pleasant surprise.
Now I go to do more homework...great break I just had.
OK, so see, now I'm not writig today's entry "today". I aplly Glen's First Theorem on sleep and time. If one does not sleep, time does not change for one. I.E> today ain't today, it's yesterday, which is why this entry is on today's date, and not tommorrow, althought, officially, my dumb computer tells me its 12.12.97, and everyoe on this planet will act as if it is friday--means I have to too.
I mean, imagine living a day behind everyone? Getting old newspapers, old this, old that, blah blah.
SO I've been up all night again, but I'm really proud of myself. I actually got everything completed that I hoped too--not *just* the stuff I 100% absolutely, positively had to do (like, my Brit Lit paper , which I decided to do on Joyce's "The Dead". Once I got back from Cake, I whipped out the final three pages like nothing--two hours and I was dialed out.) then I moved on to Fluid Mechanics--six problems on material I hadn't had *time* to read or really learn, so I had to learn them now...
Oh yeah, I didn't game last night. I found out wednesday my favorite SF/Sac area band was playing only about 70 miles south of here...Cake. SO I blew off gaming and went to the show. It was really cool too, cuz the sound peopel there were clueless abou tapers stealthing, or they just didn;t care..I was able to juryrig a sort of mic stand to buffer crowd noise...good thing too cuz there was a lot of it...tape came out really good, but I haven't had a chance to play it very loud since Liz was sleeping, so I can't say specifics yet. Great show, although the band had been better when I saw them in January at the Fillmore...Just before the encore, I ran downstairs to the side of the stage (a true benfit of not having the taping eqip on me..I could leave my taping spot...and pleaded with the drummer (the closest band member to me) to play a certian song I loved, but they skipped it in Jan. I grabbed the guys shoulders and all but begged..."Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle."
It's ironic that I shoudl like the song so much, since it's kind of an insult to anyone who clubs a lot or goes to too many shows...But the fact that I can see bits of myself thrown into that tirade makes it interesting...
So now I need to stay awake long enough to get on campus, print out my essay, turn in my fluids, go to brit lit class, turn in paper, pick up take home final, then I can come home and go to sleep. That's only about 4 hours from now.
Two all nighters in three days is not fun. At least all my homework is done, the fluids project got finished, the thermo lab was finished for wednesday the essay got written, everything seems to be working out. After I wake up saturday though, I have to start a crash course on finals studying. I didn't want to wait until the last second, but I just have had no other fucking time. I can't study 24 hours a day, I need breaks. This journal entry is one of those breaks. 30 min from now I will be on campus with my english paper printed out, proofreading it.
goodbye for now.
12.12.97
"Yesterdays" entry whad bad grammer, typos, and mispellings--highly reflective of my state of being, so don't expect me to go back and "fix" it like I am want to do on other bad entries.
I have slept since that entry, which is why I can write on the actual date. THe rest of the world has caught up and now it really *is* friday. Thank God everything is done. Now it's just finals (OH yeah, did I mention I have all three of my engineering finals on Wednesday? Fluids at 9AM, then directly to Thermodynamics at 10:20, then probability at 7PM. Oh dear.)
It's 9PM now, and I doubt I will be able to go back to a normal sleep pattern without getting drunk first. I suppose that's not so bad, I could use a good spout with the bottle right now.
MY room is a pigsty--direct result of my hectic life in the past week or so. So much to do, aso little time to do it. Last night I shouldn't complain too much, seeing as I blew seven hors away from the time i left for the concert until the time I got home. But I enjoyed myself immensely, and that's what counts. It took a lot of the edge off, that show. I did a bit of snooping online too...that was the first show in the united states for several months--and they're going back to europe soon. So school worked itself out well by allowing me to be up here when they were. I won't get to see the magain until aug 16...Hopefully they play "Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle" then--they didn't last night :(. I snatched one of the handbills that advertised the show on campus...good for my concert scrapbook (Of course, I have tons of scraps, but no book to put them in. I need to pick something up. Of course, I've been meaning to "pick something up" for a couple of years now.)
"How do afford your rock 'n' roll lifestyle?"
Diary-L has been dead lately, very few posts since the last thread about family/friends reading our journals fizzled out. It's odd to open up my mailbox and not see 20 new messages from Zach. He's an interesting guy, but says too much, and too unneccesarily. Ah well, I suppose I could just remove myseflf from the diary-l mailing list, but every once in a while something worthwhile comes up--like that family/friends thing
HI dad.
OH jah, go visit Ray's journal...some interesting things in the past few days...Hypocrisy
Well, I guess that's about all I have to say right now.
Sorry if it was boring.
I am finally able to relax a little bit. It feels *nice*.
Last night after I awoke around 7 PM and wrote a bit, I got this craving for Ben and Jerry's--specifically, "Rainforest Crunch". I got dressed and actullay walked down to Safeway to realize that, once again, they didn't have it in stock. I was bummed, so I took the couple bucks I just put away for the ice cream, and bought a drink at Toby and Jacks. I still had too much pep from sleep to get back in bed...ran into a coupel engineering buddies and we shot some pool. Quick game--I dropped four balls in a row--all difficult cut shots. I felt proud, but we lost anyway :(
I had this urge to say nasty thigns about other peopel earlier today. Why? No reason really, just felt like being a dick. I didn't have anything to say thought, so I didn't. Right now I'm just in too good a mood to bring anything down. Maybe I'll try Wildberries for that ice cream. They're open now...
Did I mention I got a bunch of tapes yesterday? Mainly blanks for other people to make tapes on. The janes DAT I'm dubbing right now for Barb sounds unbelievably good...
Laundry
"Sex it is Violent!" PF
I've got a ton of blank analogs now. Good thing too...I promised Katy a copy of the Cake show. I'll make it and go over to her house tonight. Maybe her cute roomate will be home...Beth I think it was
SO I have all three engineering finals on Wednesday. Won't be a very fun day, but at least it gives me plenty of time to study. One day + for each subject. My Brit lit final is a take home due friday---Thursday alone should be plenty enough time to do it--easy A there.
Laundry.
SO, what am i thinking, as I stare out into the rain, into the darkness, into the trees, the sun, the clouds, the sky, the microwave?
I'm alone, ponderign the music in my head--the voices that now make me happy, relieve the tension that weeks like last week cause in me. I'm trying to think, trying to solve the worlds mysteries, maybe just trying to figure out my place in society, whatever, trying to pieve together questions and answers.
The problem is, it never works. The music i so desperately want to be there *isn't*. The answers I so desperately want to be there *aren't*. The thoughts I yearn to decipher are just plain absent. It's not a daydream, it's not an illusion of inner calm, it's a blank page of notepaper.
I won't say clean page. There's smudge marks from erasers, scribbled out ink blotches--evidence of attempts at understanding. But nothign is legible, no remains are left unaltered, intact, or whole. Nothing is there worth decipering.
So then I come here. Pixelated screen, cheap bits of plastic formulated together to become one ig expensive peice of plastic. It is a tool, nothign more, nothign less. This tool serves as a key, as an pencil on that blank page. This pencil is not smudged when I view the page. This pencil is not indecipherable when I piece it all together. However, this is a key to my mind, my thoughts. The thoughts that will not formulate within my own, seperate personal entity within my noggin, wel, they come here.
So what we have then, is a spewing point. This is where I can think. This is where I can throw out ideas and gloss over them, or get as detailed as neccessary. Inherent in every word I put here is a thought, a thought that may not make a picture in my mind, put will here for me. It's a very personal thing, this word, this thought, this pencil.
I've been doing this for a long time now. I've been putting this online for a lot less time--only about 2 months now. Looking at that span of time, I realize thigns have happened because of that decision to put my consciousness online. I essentially created a "wed creature". I feed it, make it grow, dicate it's actions. Other people interact with it through their equally or even more expensive pieces of plastic. Right now, it's just an idea, a mind, their is no actual body projected forth.
SO why am I saying this? I really am not sure. Just as I'm not sure why I'm really putting these thought online--this "creature" out there for you to see/read. It's a piece of me, really, and it draws a lot of shi from me and my personal thoughts. It is my "notepad" i suppose-where I jot down my thoughts. It has taken on it's own ife I guess. People see it and judge it. By judging it, they judge me. There is a problem there, however, for, just as this journal is only a part of me, these thoughts are only a part of the person beyond the plastic. There is only so much a word can do. There are however, a thousand interpretation of every word.
I suppose I'm just talking about how incomplete this journal is. This is rambling here. This is an twinkling of reality. What is here is not all that is there in RL. For the most part, there is where the problems resdie, or the real succes. Just as daily life is not always inherent here, much of what is here is not inherent in RL. I'm am not demeaning what I write here. I am sure it seems that way. This journal is a large part of me as a person, *but* to judge me conclusively by what i write here is prepostorous.
I just don't know what I'm trying to say here. I suppose that is essentially what I am trying to say. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY! This is a sounding board.
Don't think, because of what I am saying, that a picture of me is not produced by my words. I very real picture of me comes from what I say, but it is not neccessarily complete. I am not a product of words alone. The internet is not a perfect representation of 3d RL beyond the plastic. Just like tha, these words are not a perfect 3d RL picture of me. It's close, but not quite there. Everyday thoughts are updated, discarded, left behind. Here, however, I'm sure you could go back 2 or three or more months (or even more recent than that likely) and see thoughts I have discarded, or even forgotten. In real life, those thoughts are gone, maybe made room for next years model, maybe just erased. Reading old entries is a a great way to follow my progress as an individual, but reading an entry two months ago and basing a reality check against me today is absurd. Not to say nothing i wrote in the past applies in the future.
So all I can say is that, IF you are someone I know, take discreation in reading. Its a ramblig mess here. If you are not someone i know in RL, still take discreation...it's a volatile place, this journal.
Point being, basing a evaluation of me on this journal
is a little difficult. This journal is not the whole picture. This journal
is what I see worth showing. It is my trauma (real or felt), my joys (real
or imagined), and all kinds of things get left out. I am a person away
from this keyboard, always remember that.
I had this strange feeling when I logged into my system today...like I was a stranger, like I didn't belong here. I don't know why I felt that way...it was that same feeling that I'll get passing by the house I spent my earlier childhood years in, in Dublin...just out of place.
Maybe it's a reaction to all the journal thoughts that I've had, all the other journals I've been reading lately. I know my father doesn't understand this, that was made clear to me.I've been maintaining all along that I don't care if he reads this, but I dunno, lately I've just felt weird about going home for xmas vacation and him having read everything since we talked. It's a new experience, him knowing everything there is to know--being so open and above boards is a new thing for me--not having anything not hide. But it's a good thing really.
So I was returned to thoughts about how easy my life has been, so carefree. All my stress and worry have been over trivial things. All my pontificating has been on useless matters. I explore pain that I have no right to have--faced with real trauma and real pain. It's almost like mourning a stubbed toe I guess...Maybe that's why I feel so out of place here, like I don't have a *right* to be here.
"Why do we crucify ourselves, everyday I crucify myself Nothing I do is good enough for you." TA
You can't please everyone however. No matter how trivial your problems are, they are still worries to you. Every worry deserves an explication, a notepad to scribble itself out into the open on.
Maybe it's easier now--life is relatively carefree. I still need to find a job, but that's in the future. I hear McDonald's is hiring....gyah...gack. "Would you like fries with that sir?" I need to ask Liz about that resteraunt...sigh.
My dad emailed me today and asked me about my hair...like, was I ever goin to get it all shaved or not...well I've thought about it a bit...it's too frickin' cold now. I mean, c'mon, it's winter. I'll do it just b4 I go to Maui.
I have four of those sweepstkes type crap loads sitting on my desk. Wouldn't it be nice to be rich. *Sigh*
Sometimes I think I'm just not fit learn to be an engineer. Sometimes I look at the equations and how they all work out together and I wonder, *why* am I doing this? It's not like out in the field I'd really worry about this--there are computers and calculators and all kids of shit like that...so much of what we're learning here in school is useless information. It's the concepts that matter is all.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier if I had never started on my engineering major. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier just going to school to be a teacher--I'd make a great teacher, I know. Now, it's just not going to be that way. I am too far along to ever consider *not* using my engineering units. In a way, I'm resigned to this fate. That's why I am trying to get into technical writing now. Just in case the technical side blows me away, I can do the writing...I can see it now, in an engineering firm, all I'd ever do is write reports...wouldn't be all that bad, I don't think. I dunno.
thoughts in progress
what if. that's life...i coulda been almost out of school right now...what if. i wouldn't have these finacial worries because of that...what if...i'd be doomed to a busy life, not going places i dream of going because a teachers salary wouldn't get me there, not seeing shows i'd want to see cuz of papers to grade...who knows. Who knows abotu it all now. I don't know what i'm going to do this summer for a job. i need something that pays, so great, cool, get a job at mcdonalds. great, that doesn't get me enough money. i spent all my money, and now it's biting me in the ass. it a responsibility issue, and i just can't accept that. i can't grow up yet and go withotu certain things. so shoot me. i am still going to go to maui, even though i know it will hurt me.
this is all babbling. i am getting nowhere here. this should be an entry i leave out of the journal. but i won't, and screw off if that's a problem with whoever is reading it. i don't care. right now i just don't care about the future. i'm sick of thinking about the future.
so now i picture it like this...i'm going to end up taking a year off from school after the money mom and dad loan me gives out. hopefully i can finish things off and get a job to pay them back. it's not how i want it to happen, but it looks like the best bet right now. Maybe i can get loans from the state, but, with mom and dad's income i doubt it--even if i am not listed as a dependent... can only hope. looks like the internship i was hoping for this summer is falling through. a few more leads to try out...i'm rather certain i could finangle something up in Humboldt, but it would be for no pay, and mom would be depressed iwas spending my summer up here and not with her.
"This old man, he played one, he played knick knack on
my thumb..."TA
I HATE shoreline ampitheatre. It's like watching eMpTyV with 20,000 other people...sigh. But TOOL was playing Lolla and that was the last lolla stint...At least I was able to finagle a closer seat for TOOL....
Diary-l has been discussing titles lately--as in, use them or don't use them for every entry. I was gonna post and say, I use what i'm listening to as a title, but then, it doesn't really serve as an otherall theme to the entry...just the mood. Take this DAT for example--it's almost rap for christ's sake, and I hate rap. Somehow, thought, this group's got an odd hold on me. I didn't tape them the night before at the Concord Pav, but I wish I had...It's one of those great tapes to play when you're unsure what mood you're in...offbeat and unusual. Very bass heavy, no guitar. Usually my judge of good music centers on the guitar. Usually no guitar means I won't listen to it..but this is "different".
I've gotten hooked into view lately. Something about her style just has me coming back for more. I'm not sure exactly what it is...stream of consciousness that just *works* for me. Lately it seems to me my own journal has gotten away from this style. Maybe it's because I know my dad is reading? It's had an impact on my writing, subtle maybe, maybe not so subtle. It's hard for me to decide...that whole idea of centralism--I'm sitting here, on the center, so how can I judge it impartially?
But, anyway--take last night's words...that was the most pressed entry for a while--those thoughts were not just stream of consciousness..I had to sit and think about each sentence. It was *hard* to write last night's words.
"Just like a movie, it doesn't move me.
Life like's a movie, it doesn't move me, it doesn't move
me..."Tricky
How little a quote of music can convey when it is the
whole music that fills the seams--the violen like synth in the background...eerie...
Eerie...
So I'm done studying now. There isn't any more I can fit into my noggin really. It's not like one can cram a whole semester into one or two days anyway. What I haven't learned in 16 weeks will not be learned in 3 days...Especially classes like Fluids--casses where everythig builds upon everything else. To understand things like steady flow vs. gradual flow--open channel flow, sub critical and supercritical flow--hydraulic jumps, etc...one must be stooped in knowledge of the First Law of Thermodynamics, the Law of Continuity as it applies to Control Volumes....the Law of Momentum for a Control Volume...
The great thing about Fluid dynamics is that it takes all these things we were force-fed in earlier classes and explains it--through a working knowledge of such concepts of forces and sum of forces and moments and free bodies and all those weeks of working over dynamics and statics--now to see how we could say the sum of the forces is zero--see how that isn't true if there is an energy flux--even if the "forces" themselves really is zero...but I'm babbling engr. stuff no-one will really follow if I continue to carry these thoughts out...it's just an overall idea of what's going on that is important here. I like Fluids--maybe I will take applied Hydrology, essentially Fluids second semester--and do fluids as my major emphasis...
The funny thing is, regarding last night's entry--I *do* *ENJOY* the engrineering, the forces, the moments, the flows, etc. etc. There are just these moments of doubt occasionally--those down to the wire just before finals crunch time when everything just comes crashing in on you, when everything seems so pointless due to overexposure--all the all- nighters, the papers, the reports, those last few problems to work that you can't seem to find time to do excpet for the night before they are due...all the pressure of finals...
I really do hate the last two weeks of the semester...
This is a poem from the writer of view. It's one I really
like.
"sweet tiredness
envelop me in your arms
soothe my eyes
weary from all the hurt
calm my spirit
wounded by words and silence
hold me tight
force the breath from this body
kiss the full blue lips
and restore my faith
dance around me sweet tiredness
shimmy up close
smile and let me touch you
before dawn creeps in
i want to rest
lay down my weary shell
i fear i am so lost sweet tiredness
visions of death and destruction
they come to me in the cold
lie beside me and shield me
my angel
lick away the tears
caressed by the mad fever in my brain
don't destroy me
i am so
tired"
so if you like that at all, go to view and read some journal entries. It's good.
Now I need to email her and told her I put this here.
bye for now. I shall return later probably...
It's odd, using a campus computer to write. First off, the keyboard isn't crunched up like my notebook. Second off, my macros are gone.
I just took four hours worth of finals. Fluids then Thermo. Both went really well, actually. I shall get decent grades in both classes. That's good-I don't want to be kicked out and on my own.
In seven horus, one more engr. final--Probability. Hopefully the karma I had for the tests this morning will carry though...
Checking my vain little counter system/system info...I have almost filled the top 25 click throughs section. Yay for me.
I miss my 'br' macro...*sigh*
I still need to finish shopping for xmas--whatever in the world can I get my father? He is so impossible to shop for...
Diary-l is doing a collab on xmas lists, long or short, real or surreal, so here goes mine:
Listed in order of importance...
A decent job
A complted college education
Enough money to pay back everyone and everything I owe.
A person to love
Inspiration
A pile of dough for Mum and Pops
PJ 02.19.92, 9.5 qual DAT aud
A new car
A new computer
A set of Schoeps CK4 microphones
A shockmount mic stand
A DAP1 Tascam portable DAT recorder
A Mackie VL20Z preamp
A Core Sounds high end (B&K capsules) set of stealth
mics
Tickets (plane and admission) to every PJ show from now
until I die
A lifetime supply of Ampex 124 min DAT tapes.
The ability to know when I'm full of shit, 24/7/365
A condo in Maui
A condo in Sydney
A condo in Perth
A condo in...you get the idea...
or, take the the first five and throw in about $1,000,000
and that's it.
That was lame. Not nearly as fun as I thought it woulda
been at all.
"Listen to an Angel Sing..."SS
I have nothing more to say right now. Much be the change of writing atmosphere.
Liz ain't home.
Just got done with my Prob. final. Did OK, but not steller. Oh well.
"Just fucking DO IT damnit..."
"I wish we could do twist--I wish we could put twist
on fuckin' tape..."
"Wanna hear it?"
"Fuckin' piece of shit..."
Korn--prattle...
"Tell me I'm a pussy and you're harder than me..." Korn
I am bored. I can't think of anything worth writing about either. I want to go down to the bars and have a drink, but I don't want to go down to the bars and have a drink. I just wanna hang out with pals, but most I know are gone already...
sux being alone sometimes. Usually is cool, but sux right now.
SO Nrrdboy's a "traitor"? Nah. Who cares why you started journaling--the point is why you are doing it now. I mean, besides, it's not *why* you do it, just that you are honest about doing it. Ask me, I'd say go ahead, write the article. I'd meant to say somethign earlier, but mulled it over a bit. So yeah, write your article, make a few bucks to pay for the sink, or toilet, or wall paper, or whatever needs to be fixed now...heh, seemed like a while back everything in his apt was falling apt...
Now I'm writing abotu someone else's journal instead of my own..that's a true sign of my boredome I suppose. Odd, I just *feel* like writing here, even though I have nothing to say. Release from all the dang engr stress today? I can't seem to work out poetry, and I don't have any ideas for a short story--the rewrite on _Riches to Rags_ got lost a long while ago...heh, scary thought. this is my only creative outlet right now. Jeesh. What's worse is that people might be reading this. People just as alone as I am, just as bored as I am. I've been spending a lot of time here, lately, sitting in front of this piece of plastic. I suppose it's good I'm goin on xmas break as of saturday...gimme me a break. Not that I really have many friends to hang out with over break...I wonder how Chirs/Becca are? WOnder if they're still sharing an apt with Jimmy? Oh well. Maybe I should try to find them and see how thigns are for them. Maybe Chris has grown up a bit more--not like I'm such a great role model I suppose--scurryign all around the country for concerts, disregarding financial responsibility for shows and tapes and such. AH well, At least I won't regret missing shows when I'm old.
That is one thing I'm looking forward to if I actually get married and have children--getting them into music, going to shows with them. I'd make sure they were introduced to good tunes early on in life, let them see the joy and beauty I see...I want to be one of those old fogeys at metal/hard rock shows all the kids look at and wonder about...Heh.
"Ring around the rosey, Pocket full of posies.
Ashes, ashes, we ALL FALL DOWN!"
Korn doing nursery rhymes...quite a rendition.
I like the way Tori Amos did "This Old Man" when I saw her in Oakland, very cool...GOD what a great show that was.
NOW< sarah just went and said how "I have more to say
than her" and here I am just rambling on about nothing. Jeesh, go figure.
I don't like any of the essay questions for part two of my brit li take home final. Oh well. I've got no-one to complain to...at least it's a take home and not an actual test.
I am anoid. No, actually, I'm annoyed. That Scorpions DAT hasn't shown up yet, and niether has Cohen's 5.13.93 PJ...*sigh* The first ain't so bad--he promised to send analogs to Mom and Pops if the DAT didn't get here in time, so I can still give it to Ron. Cohen's is anotehr problem...his 2nd DAT deck went down, so he sent me *his* DAT and a blank so I can make the clone myself..well, if it don't show up tommorrow, he's gonna go a month w/o that dat...
Chance's are Eolian Harp will be down for a month while I am gone. Usual place I get net access in Bay Area will be unavilible, and even if I coudl finagle time on Dad's CPU, I doubt it has telnet on it--he's very possessive of his CPU, ever since I um, destroyed his old one and forced him to completely rebuild the hard drive...hey, it happens. Sorry.
Maybe I can do what I need to do on my sister's computer...
Now that I think of it, telnet wouldn't be so great--cut and pasting onto sorrel seems to take ages unless I'm directly hooked into the server via ISDN...I'll need a way to ftp to my account. That shoudl be easier to finagle on either Dad or sis's CPU.
Anyway, enough on that.
"So much for pretending, cuz bad luck's never ending. And I know that, Money comes in, but the fact is, it's not enough to pay my taxes And I, I can't cry anymore."SC
I gotta go--gotta make dinner.
But then, what's so wron with TV? Afterall, we spend our entire lives trying to be somewhere else, be *someone* else, see something differently, etc. Every second spent on "entertainment" is a second spent trying to escape reality...Music, books, TV, films, sports, alcohol, drugs, dancing, whatever--you name it...What is good literature? Good literature is such that it completely removes your life from you the second you pick it up. Good literature dissolves your worries, your pain, your joy...transporting you elsewhere, be it a different time, a different locale, into a different person, whatever.
SO, with that in mind, online journaling...let's think about it. What is this but a way to make you leave your life and live mine? What is this html document with it's pixels and binary code and such, but entertainment? A way to reach out and make a connection, sure, but still entertainment, in that it's designed to transport you away from your worries, your joys, your pain...into mine.
With that said, it's safe to say that people like my father who read this, who know me, are not gettin what they should be out of this. People who are reading just for details, just to be sure I'm not "fucking up" are not being "entertained" by this...Their loss. An online journal is a way to live a life we can't, don't, or won't live ourselves...it's a way to experience pain we cannot ourselves experience, or want to. It's a way to see beyond this simple fork in the road. Much more consoling than a couselor or shrink could be...one can read, first hand, how certain paths turn out...how certain decisions affect lives. How wonderful a tool for the popular pyschiatry? How clinical a study that could be made fro ma handfull of diaries? DO this, you'll get this far in life, or, do that, you coudl get this far...a point by point detailed flowchart of life...sounds almost fascist or totalatarian..._Brave New World_ almost...so will be found, our feet turning this way, then that, our hanging body given to the wind...maybe it's not such a great idea afterall
But then, it's *an idea* at least--a somewhat serious thought...i've been rambling here far too much it seems lately...pontificating for the sake of pontificating...pleasing myself by putting useless bits of trivia (at Best) here, kidding myself that other people enjoy it.
*Sigh* Maybe I should go out and rape and pillage so I could have exciting things to describe...JK.
(JK means Just kidding, for those of you who are contraction
inept...)
Some show on TV I flipped past, I think it was Dateline,
was talking abou the common occurance of "this generation shortening things"
I.E. _Independence Day_ = ID4, Internet = "'net", and others that I have,
of course, forgotten due it's meaninglessness. Then the guy went on to
describe how this generation defies "labels" an that corporations are scrambling
for one..."Generation X" doesn't cut it, he admitted...no shit, all that
"gen x'er" crap and it's stereotyping is utter bullshit. Why do ppl insist
on stereotyping us...trying to pin down what is different about each new
generation. I mean, WHO GIVES A SHIT!? It's not like there's this one underlaying
theme to everyone in my "generation". we were all born at around the same
time in history, and we've all had to grown up with the same world order
crap. That's about it. There is no "gen x'er agenda" just like there is
no "homosexual agenda" just like there is no "white male agenda" etc. etc.
Ppl are just fucking ppl for crying out loud--there are no mystic ties
between us. Maybe there should be, maybe we should all be linked by a mind-meld
or something...telepathy-somethig nto give us all a clue to everyone else--mayeb
there'd be less crime, less need, fewer wars, fewer "problems", if we all
could just fucking *understand* one another.
So I guess something I'm trying to do here--foster understanding. I mean, I don't pretend to speak for anyone other than myself, but maybe, just maybe there are other ppl out there who have had some of my same dilemnas, my same concerns, whatever. Maybe understanding my problems helps us understand other pople's problems? I mean, after all, how many different worries can a human have, right? There's got to be a way to narrow it down in to a fear categories...lonliness, pain, fear, etc.
Then again, what problems do I have? Looking at the world around me, sure seems trivial to be worried about money when other peopel are worried abotu eating...being worried about a concert in Maui sure seems egotistical and uppity when it all comes down to it, if you ask me. But then, I've grown up in a certain society, accustomed to certain things. I'm used to having what I want, more or less. I am, in some ways, spoiled...in some ways not. I have a roof over my head, a future ahead of me (unless I fuck it up which is always possible...), a family that cares about me, good health, free will, certain "inalienable rights", etc. I'm quite a lucky guy, really.
I ran into anoher girl at the onset of the evening, but she left on a friend's call early on...bugged her a couple times later, but I got the vibe...she wasn't interested. *sigh* maybe love just ain't mie to have...
"I'd rahter bem I'd rahter be...I'd rahter be with, an ANIMAL!"PJ
"I don't mean that, it's just in the song" EV $ Gv (at this point!)
I'm DRUNK! wy are yo here, go home, enjoy real life. I
can't at this point...
WATER 'N; BREAD. WATER 'N' BREAD. Water 'n' bread...
AT LEAST I FOUND OUT THAT FREE BEER TOMMORROW at SIx River Brepup was just a joke...save meself some money. Maybe I'll sober for tommorrow, read this, then remember 'bout that friend and tommorrow night. maybe not.
Will see Barb, drop off tapes, then go home saturday...
"She's a beauty queen..."TA
Footnotes in time, ripple of history...Just had an incredible conversation with my mother. Introduced were elements of the "Dad" talk, but interjected were also some really amazing bits...
I feel odd writing these things down...it seems almost to profane my mother's words and thoughts with *my* own journal...I seem to be the reporter in this instance, and that isn't what this journal is for...
My mother and I don't really *talk* much. I mean, we make pleasant conversation and all, but we don't just sit down and pour out our thoughts really--not like a confident type friendship would allow. And it's strange to realize this--I love my motehr so damn much, it's not funny. We just never "talk"...
We talked about life, the future, my future, her life,
her future, and her past. The first few words above, footnotes in time,
is how I shall describe some of what she said...Everyone is put here for
a reason, here on this earth, and most of the time, it is merely a grain
of sand to the dunes...that is, a word here or there to a friend, who in
turn will do a good deed with those words in mind, which will in turn make
a sad person happy, which will brighten someone's else's day by seeing
that upturned smile--which will strike up an idea in someone who will go
on to do some great thing with that as a catalyst...the list could go on,
but you get the idea....each person is responisble for a ripple per se,
a setting block, a step on the staircase leading to greatness...we each
somehow influence somethign that makes a true impact of the rest of us...Those
that we regard as "famous" or "important" are made by the rest of us, for
whatever reason one person draws together everything atop that staircase...
I *LIKE* the way she put that...very excellent description
of life.
It's rare that I get to see my mom as a *person* and not just my mother. I feel odd in talking about it...it's an odd thing to put down into words. Mom is usually, well, *mom*...special for being my mother, and it's rare to get past that into herself as just a person, a person with insights, with thoughts. I'm not demeaning my mother. She's a bright woman...just that it so rarely shows past the motherly functions. just weird...still not truly pinning that bit down.
We talked about her brother Larry...Christmas Eve, 26 years ago, he died in a car accident caused by a drunk driver, on his way to see my mother...It never even occurred to me what must go through her head when I ring the doorbell everytiem I first come home...that thought that it's the police, coming to tell her that her son, like her brother 26 years before, is dead...
And I could picture it then, the jump in her heart, the terror that would rack her brain at that doorbell, hear her prayer that it was *not* the police. The picture of it was as clear as the fog coated redwoods on the drive home--those beautifull, majestic images that would cascade upon me for several hours as I made the drive here.
And we talked about vices, about, in particular, addictions. She expressed a concern about me, that addiction runs in the family (Dad and cigarettes (...), my cousin John and alcohol, her father and alcohol) and that I might take up a vice also, like alcoholism...and I've occasionally worried that same thing myself...finding myself ath bars, late at night, often these last coupl of weeks, just for "one" drink to settle myself so I could go to sleep. Usually it was just one drink, thank gawd, but maybe it could escalate into "just two...one don't even get me buzzed", or "two, if i'm gonna drink, need to ge a really good buzz", etc., etc. And she said maybe I should consider latching onto a vice, one that wasn't as destructive as alcohol, or drugs, or whatever else. I heard that and immediately this came to mind--this journal...the internet, email and electronic contact...then she brought up Pearl Jam, and I shall dismiss that portion--virtually the same as Dad's opinion. Summation==great, but you can't afford it, don't throw school away.
And then she told me a few other things--about the ghost of the murdered little boy in Tahoe--who'd slipped into her and father's room so he could "sleep with them, because he didn't have his own parents" but when confronted, left as asked. I was weirded out, but I could only believe her, so deep was her conviction. Then the snippet about Nana "being with Justine in her car accident"--the one that totalled her camaro on I-5...*smashing* it into the concrete divider--the crash she should *not* havejust walked away from...Katrina as the reincarnation of Nana, my mother's mom. She could be either her mother, or *father's* mother, actually. Katrina was born the 15th of April. Nana was born the 14th. Father's mother was born the 15th--same day as K. Maybe somehow she is a rebirth of *both* of them? It's an interesting idea. The two of them were *very* close when they were alive...almost soulmated you could say. Could it be that they were simply two sides of a coin, and that Katrina is that coin? Both sides reunited once more? Could it be some prophetic joining of two souls for some important event? It all sounds rather high brow/out there to think about, asking my opinion, but who knows...I'm a bad person to ask, agnostic as I am. sceptic as I am, questioner as I am. I cannot take anythign on faith alone--yet, maybe this is part of that "sign" I've yearned for so long...
Mother did say she felt sure there was someone watchign over me...some spirit or angel. A guardian if you will. It isn't the first time the idea has been presented to me, but, face with our discussion, and the turn of events--all this talk...maybe? I can accept the fact a bit easier now--even consider the fact. I've been an incredibly lucky person, all in all, getting myself out of several situations I shouldn't have. I don't know the number of times I awoke just before drifting off the road or into a big rig those years ago going to the Grand Canyon--so sleep deprived with a long way to drive home...what about this computer? That all turned out *too* well...I was never caught doing anything below boards back when I was *doing* so much below boards...What about that easy confidence in deciding not to drive after the party at Greg's--I was really drunk...could I honesty have realized it on my own and walk home? Or was there some angle whispering into my ear? Everytime I go to a show--is there some spirit there trying to shoo away the "screamers"?...or was that spirit there that first Pearl Jam concert, the one I almost fainted from dehydration/exhaustion/heat fatigue...maybe the angle likes to mosh? Heh. Heh.
On the same hand, maybe s/he/it hates rock music?
Heh, heh, not I've stopped being serious--but I actually *am* being serious. I mean, what if? Who knows?
Everyone wants to believe we have someone or something looking out for us, that our loved ones go to a better place and can aid us in our time of need...it's a natural human desire--everyone *wants* to believe, **somewhere** that there is a reason for our existence, be it just a ripple or whatever. Have I just been missing all the signs? have I just been "blocking them out" as my motehr said hurridly, almost glossing over.
I should state that part of me wonders about the truth
of my mother's words...if she was really seeing a ghost, if this, if that...who
can say if it was true or simply a "wanting" to believe...whatever. Just
a thought to keep in mind is all...
After all, plato's cave.
Yes, I drove home today. I caved and bought cigarettes too--I'm *bad* Damn I wish I didn't have these six hour drives right when I'm getting sucked back into the habit--it is *so* damn hard to fight off the urge for that whole drive!
I stopped at Barb's house in Richmond to drop off her Jane's Addiction tapes. She was out at the hardware store--getting things to finish various household projects with...her brother who lives up on the island near Seattle was down for xmas and helping with said projects...nice guy, talked with him a while.
Anyway, Barb gets back and we start talking tapes/trading/shows/etc again. I told her I'm thinking of going to see Megadeth when they play San Jose State Event Center next Sunday (heh, same place I made this tape i'm listening to right now at, heh...great place to see bands--I love it...). Should be a fun gig--and Barb said she might want to go too...Also Primus doing their Annual New Years show would be great too.
Barb *also* let slip that she was gonna ask the tech writing
management if they could use an intern at all for summer! (Keep you fingers
crossed in a big way, would ya? I could *SO* use such a job--it's exactly
the field I want to get into, and it could possible even pay well...perfect
opportunity...but of course, I never get these type of things--I'm always
just a dollar short and/or a day late...but, must think positive! Must-Think-Positive.
I am OK. I can GET this...) Please oh Please!
Like a fadeout during the last echoeing of bass guitar
feedback...you know the song is over, but still feel cheated by the obmission
of those last few seconds of bliss...
That's what they did to _Little Woman_ tonight on TV.
I knew damn well the movie was over, yet it's such a beautiful story and
the movie does the novel plenty of justice...i felt cheated by the cheap
fade to black at the kiss in the rain.
I suppose that's a lot like life, really, everything we care about always seems to fade out before it's all truly over...the sun sets too fast.
It was a day marked by many cigarettes and a failed quest for type IV (metal bias) 100 minute analog tapes. I needed to make Ron's tape and wanted a metal tape since it would sound superior to the type II I eventually had to go with...*sigh* No-one around here carries those damn tapes. Cassettes are so undervalued now-a-days, what with CD's and minidiscs, no-one cares enough to sink the extra money into cassettes. Oh well, a small bother only.
I got home than realized I'd forgotten the cable to hook
the DAT to Mum and Pops cassette deck...back to Radio Shack. It actually
wasn't so bad--i'd forgotten there were cute women workign there...quite
a nice conversation two of us had. :)
*Sigh*too bad I'm going back to school soon. I can't
try my hand at any relationships...even if I *do* get good vibes from the
other party. *sigh*
New Years Eve=Primus this year, at the Henry J. Keiser
Aud. in Oakland. Saw Soundgarden there last year--one of their very last
shows actually...accoustics suck toward the back--need to get up close
for a decent recording--it's something I'm recording for Barb--a thank
you for everything she's been doig for me in the past month or so...what
a wonderful lady. Plus, I've been wanting to get into Primus for a while...everything
I've heard I've liked.
Three days b4 that is Megadeth at a venue I simply adore--SJ
State Event Center.
Both tix were farely cheap, so I can afford it. I won't
get another chance for good music for a couple of months...need to get
my "fix" while I can.
I saw an add in the paper this morning for round trip
airfare to Maui for $229. It was Sutrips, and I checked the dates, my airfare
I already reserved with ST should apply for that price...I need to call
and talk to them about that. Will do tommorrow. It would save over $100...making
my trip *much* more viable. Still having serious thoughts about canceling
my plans. I have until Jan 15 to cancel and pay only a $25 penalty fee
on the airline fares for doing so. SO, the plan I suppose is thus: if I
don't have a job in hand or near so by then, I will *not* hit the Maui
show. There will, after all, be plenty of shows to see on the US Leg of
the tour...at least one or two bay area shows, and perhaps a seattle show
or two.
But money talk is not why anyone might want to read this
(except for my dad, but I already discussed his place in this a few days
ago.)
I have inspiration for some new poetry...I've felt it growing within me the past couple of days. So I'll leave this for now.
And, to (almost?) quote Carli from House
of the Moon "seconds for you, ( many minutes )
for me"
First draft of: Driving
is here with the rest of 'em.
I never got to the DMV...ended up sleeping *late* (god not having class is so damn nice...), did yard work (leaves, weeds, etc.) and my sister wanted to spend time with me, so I spent the afternoon running errands with her and Katrina...Then dad took my sister, bro in law, mother, and I out to dinner...Chinise Food. Heh. IOt was really good too...there's leftovers, but I'll probably let dad eat 'em tomorrow for lunch. I gotta mail a few things and hit the DMV tommorrow. Mom wants me to vaccuum and clean cobwebs tommorrow too, so no sleeping in. Probably pick up some cigarettes...what a craving. It's like Mom's mention of cigarettes the other night as a vice better than booze put my cravings into overdrive...
Barb hasn't called me yet about Megadeth or a possible internship. Knowing Barb as I know her, it only means she hasn't decided about the show yet--says nothing about work...she'll call and let me know about the show once she figures out her $$ situation. She'll tell me about work then probably. I so need that job. I'm saving $100 on Maui now, but I figured cost analysis for next semester real quick, and, w/o a source of income, I have enuff money for the apt, books, car insurance, reg. and Maui (with my tax refund)...but *not* food. 4.5 months is a long time to go on potatoes and otehr cheap food sources (Top ramon for dinner anyone? *sigh*).
I am *definately* going to Maui now though--getting that reduced rate was all the further convincing I needed. Now, leaving a day early, means even more time to enjoy Maui, not just the show. Also means I can tape the soundcheck--no worries about missing it :) That makes me happy.
So, fact of the matter is this--I *need* a job, be it 7-11, McDonald's, washing dishing, cleaning ashtrays, *whatever*...something to just pay for *food*. Not eating is not a very nice picture to paint. Let's see, how long will my bodily fat reserves keep me alive? JK
Oh yeah, rewrote the code for the base entry template...made it more "professional" and clean with the 'head', 'body', 'title' commands. i mean, it still looks fine w/o it, but someday maybe it'll crash a system. who knows? It's bad form to not have it there anyway...
Yet, those are priceless.
What a cliche way to end this entry. *sigh*.
Not to say I'm unsatisfied with what I got--it works
fuckin' awesome...the main thing is the DAT. Upgrade to DAT, then you can
at least *trade* for shit busting icredible sounding tapes...the base line
CoreSound mics are the standard starter set for taping. They work, but
not perfect.
See, I'm trying to defend my rig here. The important thing to convey is that my shit sounds *good* is used correctly. Even better under optimal conditions. It's just that, just as there is always somone smarter than you, someone faster than you, someone prettier than you, there is always better equipment...
Hmm...levles on this sheryl show are little low...coulda been a *bit* higher, but still OK...God, the sound was mixed *very* excellently for this show...the Greek Theatre has got *great* sound and the engineer set up a sweet stereo mix.
Happy Christmas Eve...
I actually wanted to listen to somthing soft and lulling tonight as I sat down to write this...why? because I'm in that pleasant, happy with the world, all is OK for now, feeling. I got car insurance and registered my car today--making me a law abiding citizen once more, and easing dad's fears on the matter. Makes a nice xmas gift to him i suppose.
I admit, I had several reasons for doing it--laying out the cash i could really use for other purposes...7 days till the new year, and all a cop'd have to do is glance at my license plate to tell my tag was up (still had the whitish 97 marker--contrasts visibly with the 98 sticker....they make color change dramatic for that very reason--too catch ppl like me.) Anyone--just a quick glance, a siren whine or lights a flashing, and my car would be taken away, impounded, my license revoked, my financial position quite dubious...bad place to be.
BUT now, no more...I can drive w/o fear of losing my rights/car/finances in an auto insurance (and moreover--the same for my parents) I can drive w/o that nervous feeling I used to have. I can be another fitting into society groove kinda guy--in a good way. I feel happy.
Unfortunetly, I did pick up more smokes :(
I sent my money order off my PJ tix for Maui today too.
Haven't heard from Barb yet though. Had a lovely dinner of steak and jumbo
shrimp with my parents.
Dad was quite visibly in the Christmas Spirit tonight--after I told him I was "now legal". I'm so glad. It was killing me to think I was dissapointing him--Justine told me the other day that he didn't think I was gonna pay up, and how stressed out he was about it. Looking back, seeing how often I've lied and cheated and such in the past, I can see how he had trouble taken my word that I'd go through with what I finally did today--I have such a terrible history of not finishing things, not coming through I suppose...I didn't stop to think about it then, but, now that I can, I realize how easy it must have been to believe that I was simply lieing to him, telling him "what he wanted to hear".
I'd like to say that it's terrible when a father won't trust his own fucking son, but, looking at this son, I can't. I've misrepresented myself and my actions so damn much I don't blame him for withholding his faith. The track record just points in every otehr direction. My adamant decision to go to Maui for the concert points in the other direction also.
Perhaps I did a little growing up today. I can't really think so however, since real maturing would be canceling Maui--I just can't seem to do that...despite thgouths about it. I've already cut down the costs. I'll find a job at school. I'll find *somethign* for the summer...be it minimum wage or whatever--it'll be a start...I won't squander it all away like I did this summer. Regardless of how much I want new microphones, a new receiver, new speakers...I won't blow my college money on that stuff--I have enough to make me happy, and I'll stick with it until I can afford to do better. I'll be spending money on concerts this summer as it is...i'd say two or three PJ shows this summer, maybe more...probably one or two other shows as well. I plan on missing shows I really want to see this summer. I can't afford to see everything...must make do with a couple club shows in place of one arena event to get my fix...
"Suggest that he should relax.
But he's always moving much to fast.
...
Said he'll see me on the flipside
Of this crazy trip he's taken for a ride..."PJ
Oh yeah, a sidenote--cleaned cobwebs today with the vaccuum/PVC
pipe extension...sucked up a couple spiders too. poor guys, but, think
about it, where else could they go anyway? I mean, the whole purpose was
to destroy their homes...I guess that makes me mean and horrible to some
people, but to me, it just makes me human...disregarding other's for myself
and my own needs.
Maybe somone reading will supply me with the source for
that quote? Doubtful
Seems to me I should not try to write for an audience
on these entries here, since only by backtracking will they get read...now,
who all does that?
Biggest laugh should be getting access to email again
(i plan on going back to Arcata Jan. 5th or 6th) and finding 0 (zero) emails
for the notify list...but I'm hoping the few I know read on occasion will
have sent a quick note...maybe five or six people?
What will be a real laugh is to check the siteflo counter stats when I get back...
Well, beaten around the bush a bit now, haven't I? Should be glorifying my xmas shouldn't i? Well, not too much time on it...
As an agnostoic, the holiday is an odd one for me, to say the best. Unsure of a diety's existance, I have to question the existance of Christ and his birth--the entire reason for this holiday, at it's essence. What i get out of this holiday is the gift rush, the "spirit" of joy, and my family. The latter two are enough reason for a holiday alone, imho, but the gift rush is so damn annoying--although I layed out a good chunk of cash this year--for mom, dad, justine, ron, katrina, and really, sarah and katy. I coulda skimped citing my low finances, and everyoe would have been OK about it...but i woulda felt bad--this whole gift rush society has taught me that small gifts of love aren't as nice as big gifts of $$$. And I heartily believe in big gifts and tangible rewards...the spiritual and emotion stuff is great, but having something to actually hold in your hand concretes things...i tend to avoid such rewards myself however...small potatoes. Not just because I feel insignificant in the eys of the world and society usually, but just because the limelight often makes me uncomfortable. Yet, it's nice on rare occassions...that makes my wanting a large "fan base" for this thing strange I suppose, but then, online is so etheral, so otherworldly, so removed from reality. people reading this (strangers--dad and others like him don't count, obviously) will never meat me IRL, unless by some fluke...or at best one or a handfull by plan. It's instant gratification and limelight, with no strings, but a safe "two club distance"...my club is one of those long two handed putters--as far as possible. An email is no comparison to a real time conversation in real life--even real time chatting is completely unreal in comparison.
I got some neat gifts--seat covers for my car (*badly* needed), an bigger umbrella (also *badly* needed), boxers, jeans, socks, bear, foodstuffs 9the latter two in the stocking--who else can claim getting stove top in their stocking? Whadda 'bout olive oil?, sugar?, flour? It's funny if you ask me--almost a joke...but it's great--I could use it all so I'm happy--even the BBQ sauce and pasta sauces.
Sometimes though, it's the simple things that are the best...like my oversized "cafe lait au" coffee cup/saucer. I love it, it's os cool...one of those artistic, fancy schmanzy (sp?) cups like you see zoomed in on in the opneing of "So I Married an Axe Murdered"...this one is human sized though--not *quite* as big as Mike Meyers cup was...
"Hello, I ordered a *large* cappuchino..."MM
Heh
So it holds about 2.5 cups of coffee...more than the mug I got from Greg a year ago when we lived together...works great for Hot Cocco too...which is what I really craved after my chain smoke walk around the neighborhood this evening. I like a semi-long walk in the evening every once in a while--calming effects. Very good to do.
Of course, the cigarettes are not so good to do. I now face it and admit it--I'm addicted again. More accurately, I've picked up the rate of consumption...I never really quite...i stopped or a couple of months back near march, starting smoking only on occassion--most usually clubs/drives...now I'm back into normal smoking. *Sigh* and I thought myself so strong for quitting back in march. Now i think myself so weak. That five/six hour drive is just so arduous--just *murder* on my nerves. It's hard to stay sane without smoking to keep me occupied.
Course, now I'm actually an insured motorist with registration, so I no longer have to cringe or pray when I see a cop behind me--that sure is a nice feeling. I still feel rihteous about that. I shouldn't--everyone else does it as part of their normal, everyday life...it's not a big courageous event for them to get insurance and registration like it was for me. I shouldn't feel special...but I feel proud of myself nonetheless--bummed about the $$$, but I'm *always* bummed about the $$$.
Still haven't heard from Barb yet. I'm assuming a no go on the show and the internship. Oh well, looks like meanial labor + perhaps a few hours volunteering at a engr. office. I had a feeling that way anyway. It was a big thing to expect of Barb, and I felt bad for even bringing it back up--*especially* with her adamant views on "helping yourself"...i.e. her, "put yourself through school" kind of kiss off to her children, who she loved so much, just couldn't and wouldn't give me hand-me-outs to.
Well, I've nothing more to say I 'spose. G'night.
I suppose Rap music is an escape towards tribal life. The rythmic drums, heavy, throbbing, life energy bass a focus and a distraction, none-too-sweet lyrics giving voice to rage or disharmony or, as it seems to me, just plain old nursery rhyme...now, "rap" that actually says something, *with* guitar ;) that I can get into...not that I've gone out of my way to venture in that arena though...my experience with rp music portrays music for the simple act of entertainment and nothign more...nothign wrong with simple entertainment, but music is our modern poetry, this centuries uprising art form...no that music hasn't been around forever--it has, just seems to me it is only begun to "say things" in the past few decades--a way there to actually make change, make opinions known, portray evils that shouldn't be, bring about change in society, in rulership, in ideals, laws, morals--revolutions. Just like literature is there to *make you think*, so has music become a catalyst for thought. tribelike music just doesn't seem, to me, to promote thought. BUT, as I've said, I really can't claim to be much of an expert on rap, or such "tribe-like" music. I mean, there is rap I've liked, or at least, could stand and respect...tricky is great, beastie boys--that "token rap group" it seems to be for us white boys...cypruss hill, but they only seem to care about pot...i mean, it's saying *something* but there is such a thing as focusing *too much* on one thing..."Insane in the membrane"CH...forgive me for thinking, however, that that is a song that doesn't seem to say much...music should be more than just heavy bass and shouting. It frightens me to think that rap is the largest selling medium in music. thoughtless, meaningless, tribal music designed to simply entertain for a few minutes. Music should be more than just mindless entertainment. YES, we can leave our own shitty rathole lives and learn something while we're at it, *thank you*. So why don't we?
But then, that's just me and my thoughts. Who am I to say what should and shouldn't be. I can only think, and purge myself of such thoughts. You're here, reading it, so I guess I could say I am, in a fashoin, "preaching", but I'd druther not be thought of in such a light...just another man with something to say, unashamed to say it. I wish everyonewould be unashamed of their thoughts. I wish everyone would simply say what they meant, without this duplicity, without all this lying. Not saying it's easy...i used to be a two faced lying cheat myself--I used to be so much like people I dispise...but I did at least admit to my flaws, and my inadequacies as a human being even then. Few out there I suppose will be so frank about it. Even as a lier, I was honest...heh. figure that one out. Now I can be true without being a lier. nice feeling there.
My dad has his idea about weeding. It takes only a short
while, and looks nice. just ho it up, then smooth it over to hide the weeds
there.
I have my ideas about weeding. It takes a long time and
looks nice. Pull all the weeds, then smooth out the plain dirt so it looks
nice.
His way allows the weeds to grow back quickly, and is
less effective in the long run. My way is a longer lasting solution...removes
the problem instead of just covering it.
I wish all of life were that simple a choice.
Perhaps I came across too strong laast night with my denouceing
music that "doesn't say anything." I mean, after all, I have liked music
and musicians that doesn't/don't say anything...just seems all those tastes
ran dry with the song/group...Bush, Counting Crows, 7 Mary 3...etc. Music
that seemd good at first, now gone stale, leaving a bad taste in my mouth...
Bottom line, music doesn't always haveto be meaningfull
in lyrics, toe be meaningfull or good...I watched _The Kid's are Alright_
This afternoon, the The Who first documentary...enjoyed it emmensely, but
left it wondering how muc hthe lyris said...yet amazed at how much the
score said...
Let me put ti this way. A painting does no speak, yet
it can be great and meaningfull and revolutionary. Lyrics then, must not
be powerful, but *something* should mean something...be it an inspired
solo or creative drum loop...
A free dinner *sounded* good...they *said* they'd only
be hanging out at the bar afterwards for a few minutes...well, that "few
minutes" turned into almost two hours...*sigh* bored, not wanting another
drink, not wanting to get drunk beacuase I *really* felt Dad shouldn't
drive and someone needed to sober up...everyone there at best middle aged,
out of my loop as was the music for the most part (I *had* to leave when
YMCA came on, and smoke...also when that guy got up and did kerokee Elvis
music...somethings are just not meant to be heard at times...don't get
me wrong, I like YMCA on occasion, but that was not the occasion...Elvis
is tolerable, but I really think that a three song limit should be placed
on kerokee--if the singer is good or even just OK..which this guys was,
I admit...)...and of the two girls about my age there were either huggy-kissy
with another guy, or just plain avoiding my gaze...
BUT, I did get three beers and dinner on Dad, so I'll
stop complaining. PLUS, he was OK to drive, so that was good.
So Megadeth tommorrow night. Pack is all done up, xtra
tape. xtra batteries...who knows what might happen--standard speil.
That should at least alleviate tension from tonight.
Mom wanted me to dance with her, but I didn't want to. Give me a break,
I'm not a dancing kind of person...gimme a hot date and OK, I can manage
just fine...give me a ton of pent up rage or too many loud shows taping,
OK--THEN I can dance...but last night was simply a no go for me. Sorry
mum.
Barb still never called. Oh well. McDonald's is it i spose, if i'm lucky even. *sigh* life is hard, then you die.
Um, I think I'll take the check now please then...
Oh, I forgot to mention, waxed *almost* poetic today at
the coffee shop...Saturday
Afternoon/Oft Flipped WindThere with all the other hack stuff.
Well, the recording turned out OK so far...good show.
I really needed some heavy head banging, LOUD, music. Funny thing is, usually
it's the headliner that has the volume cranked...the opening acts were
louder than Megadeth. Huh, odd.
I was pleased--they played that song "Angry Again" from
the LAH sountrack.
I couldn't sleep last night. Kept waking up every couple
hours or so, feeling like total shit. Can aspirin "go bad"? I took a couple
b4 bed, then realised they had expired back in october 96...hope it doesn't
kill me. Didn't seem to help my decibel induced headache any.
I really ought to do more yardwork today...my idea on weeding vs. dad's idea again. My conclusion--pay a gardner if you need lanscaping. I just want several condos in various parts of the world...a place to stay when I'm in town on tour ;)
"It forces mental overload
Angry again again again,
And again and again and again"
Of course, first I gotta get through school. I've been wondering about "life after college" a bit lately. I mean, I've been sucked into and through school so long now I've become accustomed to it as a way of life. What is life gonna be like when it's all said and done...the last paper written, the last exam completed. Go to work in the morning, come home, have dinner...work on bring home work? Go out, have a drink? Make plans with friends, co-workers? Plan my vacation hours? Spin clones? I know it's not really going to be drastically different than life now, but little nuances will change--worrying about exams and homework will shift into worrying about projects and bosses and co-workers 'n' work stuff. I dunno...i just never really looked at it--so far in the distance...now just a couple years...far still, but drawing within reach, slowly but surely.
But the thought of having money for new mics and preamps and decks and buckets of blanks is almost orgasmic...a budget for tix far greater than the one I kind of have now...all those I kind of want to see but can't now because of $$$, I will be able to in a few years--after debts are paid, car payments are figured in...I stopped at Guitar Center in Walnut Creek yesterday on my way to San Jose...drooled over various techno baubles--a tascam mkII for $800, Neumann KM184's for $650...i forgot to ask if they have SBM1 in stock or about mic stand/preamps...I was too busy fantasizing about the otehr stuff. Heh.
Last night I saw a roady ask a girl to be "hot coffee"
for the band (At least, that's my assumption...she was *hot* and the guy
(who was scoping out the audience) seemed to be leading her backstage...)
Kind of funny to think about musicians and touring that way. Pigs.
I'd liked to say guys in PJ and TOOL and other bands
I admire---ppl like Rollins, Watt, Yorke, guys in Cake, etc...that they
don't scope for "hot coffee"...but I can't really say, can I? I can say
from my knowledge that PJ doesn't *seem* to engage in such things...
But to think some people will fuck you just because you're famous. What a messed up world, that sex is so casual a thing, to be used like that. jeeze
I remember once I hadn't had a checkup for like a year and a half or something...not too long ago, really, about 4 or 5 years I guess. I got all paranoid about my teeth falling out of my mouth, like I was an old man with dentures or something.
I watched _Singles_ earlier today--great movie. I taped it off HBO when it was on by some fluke a few months ago...1st chane to watch it in a long time. Heh, Liz was saying she wanted her parents to get her a VCR for Christmas. Would be kinda cool if they did get her one...Course, I feel sorry for her right now--what with the problems the family seems to be having. I won't go into detail, because, hey, it's not my life, my family. I have no right talking about it where a zillion (potential) ppl could read it...I can spout off all I want about me and my life--about the porn sitting next to this text box, about my erect penis--about to be manhandled, heh...but that's my life, not hers.
This recording is kinda weird...some odd phase shifting on occasion from moving around too much. Oh well--only taped it on a whim for Barb-who said she liked these guys...they were good. VERY LOUD. made me wish (for the first time ever mind you, and I've been to some *loud* shows b4) that I'd picked up earplugs...my hearing is precious and I don't want to lose it...Entertained the thought of losing some of my analog collection today. I could sell the tapes for just enough to cover my investment in them ~ $4.00 each (including postage...). I have a few extras lieing about...but then, all those "non-extras" I still like to lisen to on occasion. But then again, I've got tapes I haven't played for ages...bands like Bush, Counting Crows, +Live+...hmm, lemme look over my list a bit...yeah, quite a few tapes I could get rid of. I could use the money too. Now, perhaps you're think I'm being a hypocrite again...thinking of selling tapes...well, I'm not...this kind of thing is completely respectable in the trading community, as I am not reaping in large profits of these...after postage is paid for, at best one dollar per tape. What I get back is the investment of $2.00 to $2.50 per blank. Ima going to try to get a job first, and see how things go. I just don't like to think of losing tapes...a show is a show is a show....even if I don't listen to it often--it's still sitting there, begging to be played, experienced.
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