Warnings: homosexuality, spoilers, stupidity, repetitiveness, Harry Potter bashing, adding words to the English language, ect...
Disclaimers: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. I think she would roll in her future grave if she read this.
Harry POOOOOTER and Some Rock we Don�t Remember What it�s Called... Sorry
Harry Potter was an ordinary boy living an ordinary life, �till one day, a giant gay... a gay giant came and kidnapped him from his terrible life somewhere some place, at some time (the Dursley�s house).
But, before the gay giant... the giant gay, there was a boy (he lived), his parents (they died), and the Durselys (haven�t died yet... yet). Vernun Dursely was a big fat SOB who would turn redder than a tomato�s ass (you�ve seen the crack�of course tomatoes have asses!!) if angered... which Harry could manage quite nicely. Petunia Dursley was a rat. Okay, not really. Petunia Dursely was a skinny lady with hair. Most people have it, you know. She liked to pucker, if you know what I mean! (Author 1 laughs, Author 2 looks at Dilbert cartoon).Dudley is a dud. And he will be a pothead. More on this in book five. Anyway, Dudley is a fat dud. No, he isn�t half rat. We already told you his mother is not a rat. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Harry �The boy who lived� Potter was stuck living with these three rats (humans) because his parents (not rats) were dead. James (known for his wild parties back in his school days�more on this in book 3) Potter was a pretty cool guy. His mom�s name escapes me. No, really. What is it? It�s a flower. Lily? Lily and James? Sure, why not. Lily did not approve of James� relationship with his friends Remus and Sirius in school (more on this in book 3), but was pretty easy going. Then she died. How sad. Harry, however lived. Go Harry.
Which brings me to the murderer. Let�s just call him �George�, for he is �he who shall not be named�. Wait�didn�t I just name him? Shit! Anyway, Harry smote George upon their first meeting... but it would not be the last. George would come back to claim Harry as his... SWEET LUVA!!
Which brings us to the gay giant... giant gay. His name�s Hagrid, if you were wondering. He�s cool. Really. We aren�t making this up.
But, anyway, he brought Harry a cake (his own little declaration of love) and swept the boy off his feet. This was no wonder... Hagrid is like eight feet tall. Harry is eleven. Do the math. Anyway, Hagrid told Harry, �You�re a wizard, Harry.�
�No shit, Sherlock,� muttered the potty-mouth eleven year old kid. I wouldn�t let MY eleven year old son say that!! �I LIVED, didn�t I? Hence the name... �the boy who lived�? You know, as in not dead? Hello!�
Then... some stuff happened. And now, they�re at HSOWAW (Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry) playing with the sorting hat. Yea for the sorting hat. Go sorting hat.
The sorting hat was getting head from each of the students so that it could determine which house they belonged in. Slytherin�the bitchy people. Hufflepuff�the one with the funniest name. Ravenclaw�RWAR. Or Gryffindor�the most FLAMING house you could possibly imagine.
The sorting hat was quick to decide that Harry should be placed with the other bitchy people in Slytherin. But, do to Harry�s... erm... �preferences�... he was placed in Gryffindor with his new (nude) acquaintances... Ron �Ron Ron� Weasley and Hermione �The mute� Granger.
Moving on, the staff of HSOWAW was world renowned... sort of... Not really. Anyway. Albus �I�m a old fart and still kickin�� Dumbledore was the headmaster... because he was older than everyone else at the school. He had lapped most people at least twice. Except for one person. �George�. George isn�t on the staff, though, now is he? HA! Anyway.
Professor �I have a first name, really I do� McGonagall was cool. She likes stuff. Yea.
Severus �I walk in at the worst imaginable times (more on this in book 3)� Snape was the potions master. He liked to favor his Slytherin boys, if you know what I mean. *giggle* (Author 2 says something about bitchy people being as bitchy as Snape). We love Snape. Really. Expect him to die at least once a book. But not really. You�ll think he does die, but he won�t (More on this in book 3).
Some person... it�s like Q-U-I-R-E-L-L. (Author 1 would like to call him �Queer�. Author 2 would like to call him �Squirrel� Please take note who is writing.)
Author 2: There�s an �e� in Quirell.
Author 1: Like I care. *fixes it anyway*
So, yes, Sprout. Is not in this. But, we like her. More on her in book 2. Yes (says Squirrel fan Author 2 as she chokes on her water).
Anyway. (This is the most re-occurring word in this text. Oh well. Fuck-diddly-oh). Anyway, we don�t remember this book very well, but we know some stuff definitely happens. There�s something about an ogre, and maybe something about some rock... but, who knows? Who cares? Not me. Not the other author. No one. Not even you, the reader, should really care. C�mon, admit it, the first one is the worst one. You haven�t read it since. You don�t remember. You probably haven�t even seen the movie more than once. Terrible movie. TERRIBLE. The second one was good. More on this in book 2.
They tried to keep their love affair secret... wait... that doesn�t make sense. I should at least introduce the lovers. Wait�I already got one of them. Meh, who cares.
Now, introducing... the lovers.
In this corner, wearing the doofy glasses is HARRY POTTER!!
In the other corner, the boy who looks HOT when he isn�t dressed up as Draco Malfoy.... DRACO MALFOY!! (Random cheering ensues).
Really, they hate eachother. Really. For like... three seconds. Then they realize, it was meant to be. It is DESTINY. They were DESTINED to be together. (Author 1 rants about �X/1999� and Subaru and Seishirou to the side while Author 2 patiently smiles).
Yes, so, this brings us to the real story.
Welcome to the real story.
Some stuff happens. Really, it does. We just don�t remember what. So, we�re going to wing it.
Harry and Draco fell madly in love much to the newly smitten Ron Weasley and the mute Hermione Granger�s dismay. Harry and Draco spent lots of time together�and even had a chamber named after them (more on this in book 2). Ron, predictably, was saddened. Greatly. It was sad, how much Ron was saddened. He was really sad. How sad was he, you might ask? Really sad. Really, really, sad. It was sad, how much he was saddened. And then the rats came. Rats make him sad. Ron was sad once....
Anyway, Ron, as you might have guessed, has a rat named Scabbers that makes him sad. Really sad. How sad, you might ask? Really sad. Really, really, sad. It was sad, how much he was saddened. And then the rats came. Rats make him sad. Ron was sad once. He locked himself in his room, alone, with his rat. And then more rats came. Rats make him sad. Ron was Willard once....
Harry�s aunt is a rat (human), you know? It makes Ron really sad. How sad, you might ask? Really sad. Really, really, sad. It was sad, how much he was saddened. And then the rats came. Rats make him sad. Ron was sad once. He locked himself in his room, alone, with his rat. And then more rats came. Rats make him sad. Ron was Willard once. He locked himself in a room....
Anyway, enough of that. Yes, moving on. (Pause for Authors to breath and stop laughing long enough to keep typing...) We could use a plot right about now. I�m amazed you�ve stayed with it this long. If we could only remember the damn book... isn�t there something with a chess game? (Author 2: Yeah! They have a giant (gay) chess game, and Ron gets injured. And then Harry fights the Squirrel guy with George growing out of his head! Author 1: ...Are you sure? Author 2: I�m sure.)
Okay, we can use that. No use in winging it. Yes, we�ve just been killing time so far to keep you readers distracted while we tried to remember the plot (or if the book HAD a plot�lord knows the movie didn�t). Which brings us to where we are now. Ron was �riding� a �knight� if you know what I mean. Suddenly, he was attacked by a queen... a big drama queen who was bitchy. As you may have guessed, it was DRACO MALFOY AVENGING HIS LOVE... OR SOMETHING!!
�Potter! ?� Draco shouted.
�What?� Demanded the other boy.
�Oh, nothing, really.�
�Oh, okay.� Harry was fighting the Queer guys. Sort of. Not really. He wins really stupidly. It isn�t really an action scene. I mean, the dude just sorta dies. For no reason. At all. (Author 2: he touched him, and his hands burned... Author 1: Yeah, like that is a good reason to die.)
�I love you!� George suddenly declared, as his other head was saying, �My hands, they burn! Eugh.� Needless to say, those were his dying words. Ah, the confessions of a dying man. How poetic. And pathetic. Both fun words.
�Really?� Harry whispered, inching toward the shriveled up burnt carcass.
Anyway.
�But, I love you, Potter! ?,� Draco declared miserably.
�Really?� Harry whispered, inching toward the shrivle�erm, Draco, his SWEET LUVA.
Thus, they proceeded to apparate into the sunset . Oddly enough, it was morning. Ron was the only one who made any effort to tell them this. But, they couldn�t hear him. Not to mention, he�s bleeding to death with the shriveled up carcass and that rock. What does the rock do, anyway? I honestly don�t remember. I have a feeling it is what killed the Squirrel Queer George man. Or, maybe it made Harry and Draco rendy. Yes, let�s assume the latter.
Later, Snape was walking into his office to grab his lesson plan, when his eyes fell upon something most distressing indeed. Yes, most distressing. �Bloody Hell,� he grumbled, leaving the office. �Horny little eleven year old boys. Now, I�ve seen everything.�
Then, he was eaten by an octopus. Or maybe the ogre. What did the ogre do, anyway? I think he was in the girls� bathroom. Then again, what was Snape doing in the girl�s bathroom with an octopus and an ogre? Is he a girl? I guess he does have sort of long hair.
Well, long story short, Snape was eaten by something, some where, at some time. Be he boy or girl. The end. Of Snape, not of the story. Okay, not of Snape, either. We love him too much (boy or girl) to kill him... really. Honestly, he went into the girls� bathroom when he heard the terrible noise of an ogre being eaten alive by an octopus. Snape managed to ward off the octopus, but it was too late for the ogre. How sad. How sad was it, you may ask? Really sad�(Author 1 is booted away from keyboard long enough to not be babbling about sadness anymore).
Wait... what just happened? Something about horny boys, octopuses... octopi, and ogres... ogri? Oh, okay, yeah, I know where we were.
So, anyway, that�s where the story ends. Sort of. Harry needs to go back to the Dursley�s house for the summer... with Draco... his luva.
The next scene... which we lovingly call the �they come home and Dudley becomes smitten scene�. Yea. Or something.
Welcome to the next scene. Harry and Draco returned from their honeymoon... in Snape�s office... hint, hint, wink, wink... shudder, shudder... to the Dursley�s house with one intention in mind... and wouldn�t you like to know what it was. I�m not telling. So there. Ha. I win.
At first glance, Dudley hears bells... wait, that doesn�t make sense. That does it, no more writing for Author 2. (Author 2: HEY!) Dudley heard... �doo doo doo doo doo doo doo DOOOOOOOO!� (Author 1: WTF?!) And Dudley daydreams that Draco and he are running through a field of daisies toward eachother, arms spread, fat bouncing.... (Author 1: We are scrapping this whole paragraph and starting over).
Harry and Draco entered the house. Upon seeing Draco, Dudley�s heart began to beat faster. Could anyone so perfect truly exist? Had he just laid eyes upon an angel? (Author 2: A bitchy angel. Author 1: Oh, like you did any better). Dudley was already making plans for their wedding and everything afterward (namely, a honey moon on Snape�s desk), when Draco spoke�a sound clear as bells, �Potter, love, who is this... �charming� fellow drooling on my shoes? ?.�
Author 2: Draco shouldn�t use the word �charming�, it will give Dudley false hope.
Author 1: That�s the point. Make Dud boy think he has a chance, you know?
Author 2: AHHHHH... I see now, said the blind man to his deaf dog.
�Deny thy father and refuse thy name!� Dudley said suddenly. You know, chicks (and bitchy gay boys) dig the Shakespeare.
Harry blinked at his �coz�. �That�s startlingly appropriate, actually. Well, in book five, anyway.�
�RIIIIIIIIIIGHT,� Draco muttered, a la Doctor Evil.
*Note: We work in a theatre box office. This will become startlingly clear as we continue.
Okay, anyway. Ah, yes. Good ol� movie theatre. Wait�I thought we were moving on!
Oh, yeah, she says. *shakes head* Anyway, some stuff happened, Draco and Harry were... doing.. stuff... Often... at least twice a night... and Dudley tried to watch.
*Did you know: Voyerism can be more erotic to some people than sex itself? For some, it is the only way to experience orgasim. This tid bit brought to you by Author 1. Author 2 is too young for this.
Author 2: JUST ONE YEAR!!
Author 1: Quiet, you. Respect your elders.
Author 2: Damn you, elders, damn you! You�re like the Walmart greeters!
Author 1: More on this in book 3.
So... end credits. Let�s roll them now. Yes, good. Bye.
Okay... so... end credits.
Draco Malfoy played by... assume we made some witty joke here.
Harry �The boy who lived� Potter played by the boy who lived.
Film from Kareoke night on set plays to the side of the credits.
Harry and Draco are holding mics, and dressed in gansta robes. The sing, �Just... the.. TWO.. of us. Just the two of us. You and I....� Suddenly, they were cut off, as a large, round boy rolled onto the set.
Dudley Dursley played by Duddley Dooright
Dudley stole Harry�s mic, and sang to his object of affection (Draco�in case you didn�t catch that... somehow. We beat you over the bloody head with the idea, after all), �I could stay awake just to HEEEEEEEEEAR you BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATHING. Watch you smile as you are sleeping... watch you far away and dreaming....�
Harry jinxed Dudley. Thank god.
Ron �Ron Ron� Weasley played by Willard.
Ron took the fallen Dudley�s mic and began to sing in a low falsetto, �No-BODY knows... the trouble I�ve seen... No-BODY knows the sorrow.... No-BODY knows the trouble I�ve seen... GLORY HALLELUYA.....� There, he stopped, because Author 1 doesn�t know any more of that song.
Severus �Octopus Lover� Snape played by a girl.
Snape took Draco�s mic, with a purposeful look, and began, �I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty! And witty! And... straight. Yes, I am the only straight character in this story.� At this point, Hermione would comment, but we don�t really want to write dialogue for her. Too bad. So sad. How sad you may ask? Really sad....
The Queer Squirrel played by... well, a Queer Squirrel.
The (dead) queer squirrel man got up and sang (with no mic), �Wake me up inside! Call my name and save me from the dark! Bid my blood to run, before I come undone, save me from the nothing I�ve become....� No one answered his pleas. No one cared. At all. Do you care? I don�t.
George played by Lord Vole Vole Vole. More on this in book 3.
George did not sing. George does not exist. George is a figment of your imagination. Who is George? Who knows?
The giant gay... gay giant played by Hagrid. Duh. We told you that, already. Hello?!
�Dun, dun, dun... Green Giant!� Hagrid declared, running onto the stage.
�That isn�t a song, you moron,� Harry snapped.
�You would have made a lovely Slytherin,� the sorting hat commented.
Albus Dumbledore played by Harry Potter.
�This is the song that��
The end.
Really.
Stop reading.
Now.
I mean it.
No, Snape is not dead. Go away.
Oh, fine. One last scene.
It was the shout heard �round HSOWAW... (yes, Dudley is dreaming). �BLOODY HELL!!�
The end. (More on this in Book 2)