***

I've got my head, but my head is unraveling
Can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling
I've got my heart, but my heart is no good
And you're the only one that's understood
I'd come along, but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go, but you're reaching, dragging, shaking me
Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky
The more I give to you, the more I die
And I want you
You are the perfect drug

***

Kazahaya was awoken by a rather ungracious kick to the skull about two hours earlier than he wanted to be conscious on a Sunday morning. He shot up, swatting away the foot instinctively, and his eyes set in a death glare on the offending attacker. �What the hell do you want, you bastard? Haven�t you heard of sleeping past dawn?�

Rikuou gave a flippant shrug, sitting on the edge of the bed. �Kakei came upstairs and asked me to wake you.� Kazahaya�s rage subsided at those words, if only briefly, and he regarded Rikuou more seriously. �I think there�s something wrong with him. He has a job for you, but he won�t tell me about it until you�re down there. And, he also said that we aren�t supposed to say a thing about it to Saiga.�

�Weird,� Kazahaya muttered, pulling the covers down so he could swing his legs over the side of the bed and sit beside Rikuou. They were silent for a moment, until Rikuou suddenly put a hand on Kazahaya�s thigh, gently stroking over the bare skin. �What the hell are you doing, bastard?� Kazahaya demanded, batting the hand away violently.

Rikuou smirked at him. �I�ll stop when you go make breakfast,� he promised sweetly. Kazahaya stuttered something incoherent before fixing a glare on Rikuou once again. If he wanted breakfast, all he really had to do was ask. Instead, every morning, Rikuou would find some new creative way to force Kazahaya into it. Kazhaya rolled his eyes and turned away, when suddenly he felt a hand slide over his stomach, pulling him down into the bed underneath Rikuou.

 �What the hell�� Kazahaya was cut off as his voice caught in his throat. Rikuou�s lips were lightly dancing over the skin just below his left ear, trailing absently in random patterns down his neck. �Rikuou, stop.� Kazahaya pleaded, not sounding particularly passionate about Rikuou stopping. If anything, he sounded like he wanted quite the opposite.

 �You know damn well how to make me stop,� Rikuou replied, whispering against Kazahaya�s collarbone before trailing back up the other side of his neck. Kazahaya let his head fall back, exposing more skin to Rikuou who was gently caressing below the hair that he so carefully moved with his nose as he went.

 �Wake up, you dumb monk,� Rikuou shouted, throwing his shoe at Kazahaya. The blonde came out of his dream with a start, a little surprised to find that he was dreaming. He looked around the room for a moment before realizing he was in Rikuou�s room. He blinked twice, and looked over at Rikuou. �You�re in my bed because you collapsed in the shop, remember? I brought you here because, like an idiot, you put some lock on your door and I don�t know where you put the damn key.�

 �Well, how else was I supposed to�.� Kazahaya trailed off as he began to feel dizzy from shouting. He put a hand to his forehead, placing his thumb and forefinger on his temples, spreading his palm over his eyes. He managed to sit shakily, leaning forward. �What�s wrong with me?�

 �Kakei said something about you needing the �perfect drug� to recover,� Rikuou replied, crossing the room to the bed and sitting down on the edge. �He said that you caught the same bug that he has. He wants you to go get the �perfect drug� for him so he can recover, too.� Rikuou brushed Kazahaya�s hand away, placing his own palm over the smaller boy�s forehead. �You�re burning up. I don�t think I can let you go out like this.�

 �No, I want to get paid,� Kazahaya replied, looking away from Rikuou�s suddenly intense gaze, to watch the snow gently drift to the ground outside the window. �But, why don�t I remember any of this?� Kazahaya, now that he thought about it, did remember going into work that morning, seeing Kakei act strangely, seeing Saiga act even more strangely, then something about Kakei�s office, but all else was a blur.

 �It�s St. Valentine�s day tomorrow,� Rikuou said suddenly. �Kakei said that was the deadline for this job. Perhaps you should just give me the instructions and I will complete the job for you,� Rikuou suggested, being uncharacteristically nice.

 �No. I�ll get some medicine from the shop, and I�ll solve this�� Kazahaya insisted, brushing away Rikuou�s hand and standing slowly out of the bed. Instantly, he swayed heavily. Rikuou caught him around the waist, gently pulling the other boy back down and into his lap. �Look, you bastard�.�

 �Just be careful, Kazahaya,� Rikuou whispered, his eyes frighteningly close. He leaned forward again, lightly brushing his lips over Kazahaya�s. The blonde melted into the touch, letting himself meld against Rikuou�s chest.

 A hand slapped Kazahaya across the face violently. He opened his eyes to see Kakei staring at him from only inches away. Had he been dreaming again? �You collapsed, Kudou-kun, when you came down to get some medicine. Unfortunately, the �perfect drug� you need is no longer in our shop.� Kakei looked bone-weary as Kazahaya felt.

 �Is this real?� Kazahaya wondered quietly, reaching up to put a hand against Kakei�s very palpable cheek. �Are you really here, this time?� Perhaps he hadn�t been dreaming, and this was the dream. Or maybe, it was all reality, and he was having lapses in memory. Then again, maybe he was always dreaming. Had he ever been awake to begin with?

 �You�re having lapses in memory due to your illness. This will all pass by tomorrow, if you get the �perfect drug�. I, too, am having trouble keeping my thoughts and my heart under control.� Kakei sighed, leaning back in his chair. It was then that Kazahaya realized that he was, for some odd reason, sitting on Kakei�s desk in his office. �I sent the instructions to your cell phone. Himura-kun will come with you.�

 �But�� Kazahaya began before Kakei�s eyes turned on him. Those eyes were dark and icy as though he felt nothing at all. There was no doubt in Kazahaya�s mind that the face now looking up at him was the face of a killer�or at very least, a face of the capable of killing.

 �There is no room for debate, Kudou-kun. You�d do well to remember that,� Kakei stated frigidly, his eyes drilling into Kazahaya�s very soul. Kazahaya nodded carefully. Kakei stood, going to the door. He opened it carefully, as though half-expecting someone on the other side, and looked a little disappointed when there was not. �Bring me the �perfect drug�. It is a cure-all that promises the user immortality.�

 That was all the description Kazahaya was given before being dismissed. He left the room and the shop, unsurprised to find Rikuou just outside the door, waiting for him. Kazahaya was surprised when Rikuou suddenly reached over and gently took his hand, smiling at him. Memories quietly slipped into Kazahaya�s mind, playing images of himself unconscious in the snow, as if willing himself to die, though still maintaining enough of a will to live to weather the biting cold.

 Beautiful, a voice in his mind whispered.

 Kazahaya, his lips slightly parted, looked up to Rikuou. �I hate the snow,� he whispered. Rikuou�s smile disappeared, dissolving into a frown.

 �Me too,� was his only reply before they set out for their first destination�a used bookstore.

 ***

You make me hard, when I'm all soft inside
I see the truth, when I'm all stupid eyed
The arrow goes straight through my heart
Without you everything just falls apart
My blood, it wants to say hello to you
My fears, they want to get inside of you
My soul, it's so afraid to realize
How very little there is left of me
And I want you
You are the perfect drug

***

Kazahaya looked around the store, unsure of quite where to start. Rikuou was already dancing around in the fantasy section, not really paying much mind to their job, which was just fine for Kazahaya. He searched through the history section first, gently running his fingers over the spines of each of the books in turn, looking for something special. Nothing caught his attention, so he moved on to the next section over�romance.

Again, nothing particularly eye-catching was in the memories of any of the books. Kazahaya went through all of the books in mystery, true crime, self help, fantasy, scifi, literature, fiction, nonfiction, and the children�s section with no luck. Finally, left only with the poetry section, he began to slowly search these books as he had done for the others. At that point, he couldn�t tell where Rikuou had gone, but he didn�t really care.

Finally after over an hour of searching, a book produced a memory. Kazahaya slipped the book out from between the two books next to it. Carefully, he read the English title outloud to himself, �The Complete Works of Emily Dickinson.� He flipped through the pages quickly, finally resting on one page in particular that only had a single poem on it and no other typed words. Some hand-written notes followed below the poem in scribbled kanji.

Kazahaya decided it would be wiser to read the poem first and then he would get around to reading the note. The top of the page was titled �Number 809�, with no other words to farther identify the poem.

Unable are the Loved to die
For Love is Immortality
Nay, it is Deity�

Unable they that love�to die
For Love reforms Vitality
Into Divinity

Kazahaya regarded the poem in silent awe. �She says �Love is Immortality�?� he repeated back to himself, this time translating it into Japanese. So, if someone who was loved could not die, and had �reformed vitality�, did that mean that they had obtained the �perfect drug�? So, was love the �perfect drug�?

How the hell am I supposed to bring Kakei love? Kazahaya wondered miserably to himself. Then, with a blush, he realized that Kakei had said that Kazahaya also needed the �perfect drug� in order to overcome his own illness.

To distract himself, Kazahaya read over the note at the bottom of the page. The writing was terribly hard to make out, definitely male, and written as if only to ever be read by the person who originally wrote it�lightly and highly stylized. Kazahaya read aloud, �The fountain of youth within my grasp�.

Kazahaya�s fingers lightly trailed over the text, and suddenly he was laying in very green grass, looking up through the summer leaves of an aspen tree. There was a book resting lightly over his stomach, and he could hear the gentle breathing of someone beside him. The sun poured through the leaves above him, but he did not have to squint because there was something over his eyes, darkening the images he saw�probably sunglasses.

He tilted his head to the side and saw someone with light hair and a beautiful face at his side, lightly dozing in the afternoon sun. He knew this person loved him�and dearly at that, he just wasn�t sure that he felt the same in return. This gorgeous person, whoever it may have been, treated him so kindly, but also was so cold. They were like two of a kind.

Kazahaya continued to look into that face, trying so hard to remember who it was he was looking at while the person he was looking through gently reached over and trailed his fingers over that delicate face.

Suddenly the face became his own, laying on Rikuou�s bed back in the drugstore only hours before they left for the used bookstore. The feelings he was receiving were the same, but now the vision was clear. He could see in normal color the distinct paleness of his own skin, the washed-out light brown hair that was almost honey blonde, and the slight, beautiful curve of his collarbone that he loved so well.

Not Kazahaya, but his admirer.

Suddenly, Kazahaya was jerked back to reality. Rikuou was shaking him by the shoulders, looking very intently down at him. He was lying on his back with the poetry book over his stomach as he had in the memory, only he was still in the used book store. Rikuou looked somewhere between annoyed and worried. �You collapsed again,� he explained curtly.

�Oh,� Kazahaya managed to reply dumbly, sitting up as soon as Rikuou would let him. He held up the book, and Rikuou took it from him. �We have to buy that. It will take me to the tree.�

�What tree?� Rikuou wondered, looking at Kazahaya strangely. He pulled out his cell phone, scrolling through the instructions they�d been given, finally resting on one in particular. �Oh, okay. That tree.� Rikuou helped Kazahaya to his feet before going to the front desk, paying for the book, and walking out hand-in-hand with Kazahaya so that the smaller boy could track the location of the tree.

It was a surprisingly short walk from the store to the aspen tree that was easily blending into the white backdrop with its white bark. Under it, extremely conspicuous, was a dark black coat hanging off of one of the branches. Rikuou stopped, pulling Kazahaya to a stop with him. �Doesn�t that coat look familiar to you?� Rikuou asked catiously.

Kazahaya dropped the hand holding his and clutched the book against his chest as he went to the tree. He gently touched the coat and memories overtook him again. He had never felt such a strong emotion in his life at the emotion that hit him when that blonde man he�d seen earlier came into his vision. It was� it was doubtlessly love.

�Kakei,� Kazahaya realized numbly. �That man, it�s Kakei!� He clutched the coat excitedly. �This is Saiga�s coat!� Kazahaya whirled to face Rikuou, snatching the coat as he did so. �We have to find Saiga!�

�That�s the first time you�ve wanted to see him that I remember,� Rikuou mentioned dryly. Kazahaya looked at him reprovingly a moment before pulling the coat over his shoulders, tucking the book into an oversized pocket of the coat. �It�s huge on you,� Rikuou commented, motioning to the coat that was indeed trailing on the snow below Kazahaya.

�It�s warm,� Kazahaya replied defiantly. �And, if you�ve forgotten, I have a fever, so�.� Kazahaya trailed off as suddenly his legs gave out beneath him. Before he could collapse into the snow below him, Rikuou�s arms were around him, gently holding him to his chest. �We� need to find Saiga,� Kazahaya insisted, trying to get off of Rikuou�s chest long enough to start walking. Unfortunately, Rikuou would allow no such thing.

�Idiot! If you�re sick too, then we need to get you the �perfect drug� before tomorrow, as well!� Rikuou put his hand to Kazahaya�s forehead. �What�s the �perfect drug�? I need to know, so I can ask Saiga for it so I can cure you,� Rikuou said matter-of-factly.

�I can�t get it from Saiga,� Kazahaya said with a laugh. The world was fading in and out of darkness. �The �perfect drug�� is love.� He felt himself go weightless, fading back out of reality into darkness.

Kazahaya opened his eyes again to a dark bedroom lit only by moonlight. He was distinctly warmer than he had been before, and that was probably due to the person who shared his bed. He knew, even without being able to see the man, that it was Rikuou who shared his bed�or perhaps Rikuou�s bed� it was hard to tell which room it was in the light.

The other thing was, he felt much better. All of the strange symptoms he had been experiencing were gone. He tilted his head to the side a little, wondering at this, and sat up to get a better look at the boy at his side. He really was gorgeous, and much cuter when he was asleep. Kazahaya, under any other circumstance, would have freaked out and woken the other boy. Instead, with a smile, he slipped cautiously out of the bed and left the room.

It had been Rikuou�s room. Good to know, for future reference.

Kazahaya descended the stairs, hoping to catch Kakei and apologize for not being able to do anything�for passing out. A glance at the clock told him that the likelihood of Kakei still being at work was low, but there was a light under the door to the office that gave him a small margin of hope. Also, he could hear voices lightly drifting through the store. As he got closer, Kazahaya was able to pick out Saiga�s voice as one accompanying Kakei.

�You went through a lot of trouble, this year,� Saiga pointed out quietly, sounding like a young kid that had just been scolded. Kazahaya had never heard the tone in the man�s voice before. �I think this is even more trouble than you cause on Christmas Eve two years ago when you tried to get me to propose to you.�

Kazahaya nearly fell over at the words. He did freeze, now looking distrustfully at the door, and listened carefully for Kakei�s reply. At first, the blonde�s light laughter was all that met his ears. �Saiga, you know I get heartsick this time of year�the time for lovers.� There was more laughter, now a harmonious mix of a light tenor and a deep baritone.

�But, to make some huge deal over a �perfect drug�, Kakei? Really, that was over the top.� There was the sound of movement, followed by a long silence. �What do you want me to say to you, Kakei?� Another long pause followed, and Kazahaya found himself growing extremely curious.

�That you�ll be here for me on White Day,� Kakei said utterly serious. �That you�ll be here with me tomorrow, for Valentine�s Day.� Then, there was another pause, some more shifting, and a small almost giggle from Kakei. �And that you will propose to me this Christmas Eve.�

Wryly, Saiga grumbled, �apparently you�re cured.� Again, light laughter, and then a much longer pause than the previous ones. �Did you really think, Kakei, that I didn�t love you just because I didn�t come into work for a few days before Valentine�s Day?�

�When you put it that way, I sound like a fool.� Kakei sighed. �I just� I like to be reminded.� Kazahaya smiled, leaving his boss and his boss� dear �lump of tuna� to themselves in the office. He climbed the stairs again to his room, unlocking the lock that Rikuou had complained about earlier, and flopped down in his bed. Easily, he fell asleep.

It was also the first time in a while that he was allowed to sleep. He woke naturally the next morning, following a delicious smell to the kitchen that was unoccupied. But his seat at the table, there was a folded newspaper and a stack of still-steaming chocolate-chip pancakes. Surprised, Kazahaya went to the seat, and found a note was sitting below the plate of pancakes.

Breakfast is on me. Happy Valentine�s Day, you stupid monk.

The note wasn�t signed, but it didn�t need to be. Kazahaya smiled at the sentiment of the note, setting it back on the table lightly. He then began to eat the pancakes at his leisure, enjoying the moment alone for once. He turned to the paper, opening to the front page, and looked to a particular part that had been circled in red.

He brought the paper closer to his face to read the small print. �Valentine�s Day is traditionally a day for lovers,� he read aloud. He then continued to read the opinion piece sent in by someone on the subject. At the end of the article, the poem Kazahaya had read the night before was quoted. Then, there was one last blurb at the bottom. �So, working at a drug store, the best analogy I can make is that love is the �perfect drug�. It�s a cure-all that gives us immortality.�

�Sappy and annoying,� Kazahaya declared, about the throw the paper away. Of course, not without seeing who the author was so he could laugh at them.

�Huh?� He blinked. Why was his name listed as the author of the letter to the editor. He certainly hadn�t written it�.

***

�YOU BASTARD! I�LL KILL YOU, RIKUOU!�

Three heads turned heaven-ward at the shout. Then, both Kakei and Saiga looked to Rikuou for an explanation. He just shrugged flippantly and went back to stocking shelves with a smug smile on his face.

***

take me with you
without you�
without you everything falls apart
without you�
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

***