TITLE: Joyce
AUTHOR: Rainie
EMAIL: [email protected]
DISCLAIMER: Joss, not I.
DISTRIBUTION: Please ask first
CATEGORY: S/B
RATING: M
PART: 1/1
FEEDBACK: Yes please!!!
VISIT ME: http://www.geocities.com/rainee_sl/
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, after reading the last transcripts I felt sorry for Spike, so shoot me!
Joyce
"Slayer?"
"Go away!"
I don't look up.
I can't look up.
I don't want him to see my face.
Not now.
With my mother's lifeless body less than 10 feet away.
Not ever.
Cuz it's not him who's supposed to be here in the first place.
"Forget what I said earlier."
He flops down next to me on the damp grass.
"Go away!"
I don't know how long I'll be able to keep up my brave face.
I don't want him here.
I don't want him to see my tears.
I don't want him to feel sorry for me.
I'm glad Dawn is not here.
I wouldn't know how to face her.
I wouldn't know how to explain to her that her mother just left.
Just like that.
Without good-bye.
Without a single last word.
A tiny sob escapes my hoarse throat.
I force myself to concentrate on my breathing.
I don't want to break down.
I can't break down.
Not in front of Spike.
Another sob.
And another.
My body seems to have developed a will of its own.
"I'm here, slayer."
I feel an awkward cold hand patting my back.
"There is no us, Spike, never will be, get it!" I shout.
I hope that if I get angry enough the pain might goes away.
"I'm here."
It doesn't work.
He simply continues to rub my back.
And I just can't but sniffle and drool.
"I don't want you, Spike! I want Angel! I want Willow! I want Xander! I want Giles! - Mommy…"
My voice cracks.
And the only thing I can think of is mom.
Why her?
Why now?
Why couldn't I save her?
Why couldn't I at least tell her good-bye?
Why couldn't I tell her that I love her one last time?
"I'm here."
His cold arms are holding me close.
Why can't he just go away?
Why can't he just leave me alone?
"I'm here."
Somewhere on the edge of my subconscious I realize he is right.
He is here.
Always has been.
Alright, mainly reluctant.
Always under protest.
Never on time.
But here nonetheless.
"I've got you, slayer."
Oh yes, he is evil.
Always will be that.
But if there is such thing as honor amongst thieves…
Or in his case demons…
"I'm here."
No, we're not friends…
We'll never be friends…
I disentangle myself from his arms.
"Spike?"
I look at him.
I mean really, really look.
I take in his ridiculously blonde hair.
His incredibly blue eyes.
His slim figure.
"Thank you."
I nervously reach for his hand.
He is waiting.
Puzzled.
I think about Angel and Willow and Xander and Giles and all the others who should be here instead.
Mommy…
I feel new wells of tears building up behind my eyes.
My heart is bleeding.
Torn apart.
Frozen.
Oh Dawn…
I think about the little girl.
Real or not - she still such a baby.
And the house - how am I supposed to study and slay and make sure all the bills and mortgages and tuition fees are paid?
"I'm here."
I realize I'm still staring at Spike.
Drowning in his unwavering blue gaze.
Yes, he is here.
Still.
Despite my harsh, meant-to-hurt words.
Quickly - I mean really, really quickly, before I have the chance to think about it - I lean over and bury my face in the curve of his neck.
"I'm here. I've got you, slayer."
His free hand comes up and cups the back of my head.
I don't care about my tears, my image any longer.
He is here.
On his own free will.
"Thank you," I mumble into a mouthful of tee shirt. "Thank you for being a friend."
For one second his body goes rigid.
And I can feel him taking a long unneeded breath.
Then it's over.
Back to normal again.
I shyly peer up at his eyes.
He is blinking.
Rapidly.
Fighting against ruby red tears.
He hasn't realized me gazing - yet.
And I want it to stay that way.
I sigh, a deep, I'm-carrying-the-weight-of-the-world sigh, and once again seek comfort in his chilly embrace.
If one door closes…
I feel new tears streaming down my face.
"I've got you, slayer."
His hold on me tightens.
And suddenly I know, I've made the right choice.
The End